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@alviebrave
Dec 2,2024
I enrolled again in review school. I know I will never regret and will never think it as 'sayang' but regardless of plans to take or not take the boards I hope this time I'll have the courage and time to be serious in this review. I hope so. I really do. Please self.
Nakakalungkot na ilang lakad with friends na ang tinatanggihan ko this august,well 2 plang naman pero you know ang bigat lang sa loob na unlike last year na I dedicate my year enjoying life prang when I turn 26 biglang back off ako sa ganong life style. It makes me feel regret now to do things bc I already let myself do it last yr. Whyyyyyyy caaaaaant I juuuust enjooooy liiiiife? No matter what age am I?
Haaaay but yeah I just know that I need to be on track again.
AND I NEED TO SAVE MONEY. thats it.
But surely I will be back again in Lakbay before this yr end.
This is me overthinking:
I can almost imagine him giving opinions about me on our common friend on why he decided to stop. I can almost hear him saying "okay naman sya pero..", yes the BUT right there is giving me a dejavu haha like I mean, prang nangyari na yon before. To those guys who yet again failed to go over my great walls then giving shit about me just bc again they don't reach my standards.
Yes it's me overthinking.
But the possibility is high swear.
Ang hirap.
Grabe na sungit ko beh. Pang menopausal level na HAHA
Ang sarap mahalin ng sarili. Ang sarap i-spoil ng sarili.
Not until people around you make you feel that your spoiling yourself too much so you'll feel bad about it.
Why life makes your life hard then you try yourself to make life bearable but still life will make you feel shit about it. Like how am I suppose to live life?
Hindi ko makuha yung gusto ko for myself (like professionally) so I try to do other things that can make me feel good bc fuck it I feel so lost in life but then everytime I do my thing, why do I feel like people around me is not happy about it?
I just had a mental breakdown 3 hrs ago.
And I'm okay now. I should be bc life did not stop.
Step back. Limit ourselves. Put a distance. We may be family but in all situation you still need to be a little indifferent. Too much closeness is not adviceable. You will just expect more and be dissappointed more.
Lets live our life separately. I just hope they will not make us feel less human just because they have more money when in the first place wala akong pake sa pera nyo. May trabaho lahat.
Haaaay after planning to have a special 30th birthday for her, here I am being pissed on them and not doing anything I planned. Life just fckn sucks.
Life lately.
Sadness, tiredness, anxiousness, lahat na ata ng may ness.
I miss him, but not him, but the feeling of having someone to talk to at the end of the day. But that 'feeling' is not enough for me to bring it back bc I know I should not.
Then my life been so busy bc of the small business that my family decides to re-open. They've been helping but I feel like the burden is in me or that is what I thought so.
And while these feelings are eating me inside, my mind ofcourse won't help to make things easier but rather make it worst. So yeah thats it.
That's life lately.
And I want to give up everything all at once and go to a far far far very far away place.
Today I feel like it a day to clap for my friends achievements while deep inside asking life when will be my turn by also asking myself what do I do in life to be deserving like them?
I feel like Im a lost girl who still expect to figure her life out without doing any shit in life. What a bulcrap self. Way to go.
They have been busy living there own lives and I feel like I become someone like an intruder to they supposed so planned life. Masakit na nakakapanlumo na ewan basta nakakalungkot. Sa madaming aspeto.
Una. Becuase in my POV they are soo busy with life as if taking everything seriously now and IM NOT.
Pangalawa. Because as if they already figuring everything out positively and IM NOT.
Pangatlo. Because as if they are already in their harvest season while Im still in my waiting season.
But Im happy for them. Trully. IstG. They all deserved it. Esp koko, It just that Im sad for myself. I hope I can figure my life out, what are my plans and goals and somehow harvest even tho I dont know if I already plant enough to do so.
Yung mga nakikita ko online abt toxic Filipino family traits? Nangyayari pla talaga, NOW in my own family.
Alam kong di kami perpekto pero di ko inexpect that they really outlive those things I've read online. And it happen not even because of me but the burden Im feeling for my family and sister is to bothersome to not mind. My family has its own struggles can they be not one of those?
But yeah di nga ako ang trigger on why they are like that but thats the point, I who are 3rd party to it can fell how fuckin toxic they are.
Gaano ka ka overthinker?
Ka chat palang kita, pero yung isip ko nsa year 2038 na HAHAHA aigoo. Di kpa nagrereply pero yung pagod ko nsa breakup na HAHAHA
Ilan ang inaya ko ng gala since last week? And guess what? Wala, nga nga haha I sound desperate pa na ilang beses ako nag aya. Ang sad lang haha well they are my friends and lets understand na busy sila. Dapat dn kasi busy ka self. Well Iam busy making myself sane since last week tho.
Since last yr nababanggit kong gusto ko mangibang bansa, but the last few months mejo pushy na si mother. I like the support but I'm sad bc I know the reason why the sudden push hehe
I want to go abroad to earn money for myself. Thats my goal, kaya rin di ako masyado mapilit mag hanap abroad kasi my goal is not enough (atleast for myself) but the burden of going abroad for the sake of others say my sister college, is too much/ burdensome for me. I feel like once I go wherever that place is, I'll be like the normal ofw who works their asses off but not for themselves.
I want to help, I'd love to help. Actually sending my sister to college is the 1st/last thing I want to give to my family but being ang ofw is not easy, I don't want to be one if it will be just bc of my sister. I WANT IT FOR MYSELF. call me selfish but I'll die if I dont say it. I love them but I want to love myself. Bc no one can.
I feel like I'll give up right away if I dont have the right reason to go.
Feeling sick.
May time na pag nafifeel kong magkakasakit ako Instead of drinking meds I choose not to. Why? Becuause gusto ko magpabebe and its a valid reason to take a sick leave for a real reason this time. But at the end of the day I did drink my meds, bc why will I wait to be sick to take a SL? I can fake it if I want and still grab the chance to have a break without having sickness allthroughout the day and lastly I don't like myself when Im sick. Im so a cry baby literal and i should not burden anyone at this age right.
