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When I deserve a title, I shall receive one. Help me reach that goal. Follow me down the rabbit hole.

[alma3737]

[toytowns]

'what flavor lipgloss is that' 'pspei'

[thepacificrimjob-deactivated201]

dont forget about fnata

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

You mean you don't like Cola Coca?

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Molding and shaping the idea of who I want in my life. People don't fit in perfectly obviously, but they can come close. With all of this recent conversation and random happenings, I am starting to develop a much happier mindset, albeit empty. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

People take things all of the time. But people take it for sensation, and stop at that. They are simple. They do it for the idea of enjoyment. And yet, all of these substances have untapped potential. The things the mind sees on these trips. Do you wish to live in ignorance? You can be taken places that the mind can't know unless the key is there. If you stop at sensation, you are an addict. If you push forth however, if you use it for invention, paired with control, it is something that is dangerously unstoppable, yet limitless. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

The Night I Nearly Willed Myself to Death

It began with a bite. 

Have you ever felt yourself in three places at once? And then simultaneously seen yourself in all three of those places? You know how they say time is a mental construct, and everything just IS? I can't begin to give justice the world that I saw, and yet I wouldn't necessarily want anyone to experience that trip. Yet, at the same time, I would want everyone to see it, and survive to tell the tale.

I was gripping on to my friend's wrist. My pulse was slowing to an alarmingly low rate. My brain was on fire, and I knew something was being shot inside there that isn't meant to be released at just any moment. I was going in to some sort of state of mind that you simply can't achieve normally. 

The weight of the world felt as though it was coming down on me. My mind kept saying, "Fight it. Now is not the time." I kept telling my friends sorry, this is it. I wish I could make it. I wish I could go on. But this was it. This was going to be the end of a rather anti-climactic life, done in by a simple bite or three. 

But looking back, it wasn't the bite that was killing me. It was my own mind that said, according to everyone, this is the kind of moment where you die, so I am going to show you what that feels like. Has your body ever felt 100 degrees and 40 degrees at the same time? Have you ever really seen your life flash before your eyes? Have you seen who you would get married to and yourself becoming old and grey? Have you felt your body and mind being thrown in to a gale storm for what seemed to be an eternity? 

Has your grip ever gone limp, your body felt cold and dead, and everything just gone away?

I don't expect you to get it. I don't believe in God. Yet in that moment I thought I saw one. I don't believe in second chances, and yet in that moment, I believe i got one. 

I willed myself back awake. Back alive. Different. 

I realized my mind chose to simulate death because my mind didn't understand what was going on. If that is what death feels like, I don't ever want to feel that again. But I know I will. It is scary. But I guess I just have to keep living. I have to will myself to keep living. 

Your will is a powerful tool. Resolve is a powerful thing. Find your resolve. That will carry you to old age. I promise. We all need a purpose. Keep living. For you. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

This world has too much to offer

I have seen too many facets of this world, in different states of mind, I have seen time bend and shift and turn out of control. This world has too much to offer. Why am I so stagnant here though? The wind of change is coming, as it always does. I feel it. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

"We know the fire awaits Unbelievers, all of the sinners the same.  Girl you and I will die Unbelievers bound to the tracks of the train..."

It's a beautiful song. As sarcastic as it is. 

And that's all I have to say about that.

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Am I addicted to college because I am having withdrawals from being surrounded by myriad of people at any given time. Silence. The lax life of San Diego. Nobody 2 rooms away to talk to. It's depressing at times. But then again, sometimes I suppose we just have to be alone. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Words on False Ears

Or is it ears fall upon false words? You see, for many a point in my life I have played a game, actually, I have played life as if it were a game. Making calculated decisions based on my own personal analytics. A lot of the time I took steps to ensure this or that happened, that I maintained control of situations and state of mind.

It was a safe way to live life. It was almost as though it was a controlled sense of chaos. To everyone around me it seemed as though I was behaving rashly, with reckless abandon. But I never really abandoned my inherent moral code.

My inherent moral code. I guess that's the thing that is specific. It doesn't necessarily follow societies moral standards, but then it doesn't break the bank on that either. For a lot of life, I did what was best for me. Sparingly, I would do good for other. Eventually though, through intoxication and the allowance of emotion I made quite a few mistakes.

I felt like a Villain in my own story. Something was always whispering in the back of my head though that something was wrong. And as we all know, I spiraled out of control and lost grip of life.

At that point, I was forced to re-examine everything. I didn't come out entirely unscathed. I didn't come out completely selfless. I didn't think to myself, "You need to uproot your life and pull a 180." No, everyone that knows me knows that it was more of a 90 degree turn. Now I am somewhere in the middle.

I have more liberty for doing things for others. But I am not the entirely nice person that people seek to befriend. But for those friends that need my help, whatever it is they think I might be able to offer, I try my best to provide for them. I could hold it over their heads, but I won't. This isn't a favor for favor life I want to live. I wouldn't give in to those sociopathic tendencies in fear of becoming a villain once more.

No. I'm much happier being Vegeta. An Anti-Hero to the Gokus I try to surround myself with. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Synthesis

Creation. The creation of new ideas. Where do they come from? People believe they just spawn out of nowhere. That a new thought can be created out of nothing. But this is not the case. Matter is not born, matter does not create new matter. At least I think it doesn't. I am an English major so how would I know?

I do know that something can't be created out of nothing.

No. These new things. These ideas, these thoughts, are all decompositions of other generalizations, facts, and experiences I have held. I synthesize all of this random information and create something absolutely new and beautiful.

New is merely a subjective term. I just take what I know is already there and morphing it in to something else. 

Let's break down the legos and build a structure more awkwardly beautiful than anyone else could have imagined.

Examination. Analysis. Deconstruct. Add. Synthesize. Love.

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Sometimes it takes you so long to painstakingly transform. To shift the waves that make up your sound, to sound like something different, to be ambient noise rather than the loud bangings of bass. It takes so much time to recover from plagues and bacteria that chewed and killed your immunities, that decimated your very morality.

You lie there, in bed, one day, and say to yourself. I am not this. I am not that. I was something. But even then. I was just a stone. Da Vinci had a plan for me, and yet somewhere along the way a devil took a hammer and chiseled in to my obsidian and made me something of darkness.

There were times though, that I saw life as something else. Everything was something. I had a plan. A plan to weave friendships and mend broken hearts and always be faithful and always make the most out of any given situation.

But I didn't have the tools. I was lifeless. Potential was wasted and molded in to everything except what it was meant to be.

The lessons were there. I've lived through a lot. And yet I've applied little. Living a college lifestyle. Living something else. For something else. I really lost control of myself and forget what one word meant.

Friendship.

I always go back to it.

But the past tainted it. My brain morphed. I wasn't ready. I was immature. And in the process. I hurt a lot. A lot of people.

And although I've gotten better, I feel as though I've become careless. 

I do care. And yet I still feel careless at times. Stoic. Unemotional. But life is trying to show me something else.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting closer to answer it. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Changing my Path

With everything in perspective, with everything I've had experience with and how I understand life panning out, it came time to set my sights on another career path. It's not set in stone, however, I have a definite good idea on where I want to go.

No longer is it about teaching. As much as that was the plan for so long, I realized my skill set it more balanced for something else. I really want to go in to Public Relations. I really want to work on a team and work my way up the PR ladder landing an Exec position one day.

It fulfills my creative and life standard goal. It is something that I realize my life has molded around in the past 6 years. All of these writing years, clubs and organizations, my English degree, and the way I've seen how to handle a public image, has pushed me in to this zone. It is hard to believe I can be giving up a teaching dream, but as we grow older, dreams change, and it doesn't cost much of anything extra.

Am I glad I stayed in school so long? Absolutely. Now let's see what the future holds.

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Sitting

So I am just sitting here at a table with 6 seats. I was alone. Sitting here at a table with 6 seats. With me sitting in one, that makes 5. 5 Seats available and I see my friends come up and down the stairs, both leaving and coming to the library. No one sits here because everyone is in a hurry. Everyone is in a hurry and nobody really sits and here I am, headphones on, thinking to myself, I have a midterm in 3 hours. 

Friends come in, say hello, and leave. Still 5 seats. And then out of nowhere, some random girl comes and sits down. No question of whether or not I was saving seats, or whether it's okay to sit here or not. Sits down, sets up camp, and begins to work on whatever she has to work on. 

I've never been one to just randomly encroach on somebody else's space. I have always been too shy to do so. Or I believe they're always saving a seat for someone. Or that I can just find another, just as good space.

But maybe I should start being more like this girl, because too many people are just like me. 

[j4ya]

really tho the fictional character that’s been treated the worst by its writers is Scrat

#HE JUST WANTED THE ACORN

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Or you know, this guy. 

[dellbby]

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

Truth

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

It's a manga. Yes. But the lessons are lessons. Luffy's first mate took all the pain that was transferred out of Luffy. He literally took it upon himself to remove all sense of pain and fatigue from his captain. And yet he never wanted any praise, nor for Luffy to know. 

Unconditional reliability. Unconditional friendship. Unconditional sacrifice. Selflessness. Does it exist. Does it. 

To be a man. To be the man I want to be. I believe it can be achieved. And I believe my life slowly but surely shifts to exactly where I want it to go.

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

That is the stupidest idea I've ever fucking heard. You're saying you want to line 5 shots in a row and take it down within a matter of 15 seconds? You want shotgun a four loko and do a 5 second handle pull of 151? You want to pour Skyy in a beer bong and see how much you can take down? Kill every bottle that was brought tonight and leave no can uncrushed?

That is the stupidest fucking idea I've heard all year.

Let's do it. 

[alwaysfindinglife-blog]

We laughed. We sure did Laugh a lot.  After every shot After every drink After every shotgun Of beer And cheers we made To the people That weren't here. Or  Passing the test. Or To friendship. Or To bad ideas.

The bad ideas we would make At the bottom of every bottle, Listening to Jack touch the Skky, Jager, Absolut craziness,  How time flies while taking down Whatever's left in the freezer Blowing our minds away and doing Stupid things.

We laughed. Oh we sure did laugh Until we started to yell. Until the emotions We all hid so far underneath Welled up like an anthill, And spontaneously com busted out  Of our chests, Letting everything go And yet never saying the whole truth.

Spit spraying out, glasses shatter, Fists fly, I cry, they say What's Wrong I say Who the fuck cares As I cling on to a bed wishing I could Drink until it held some resemblance to  You, But I could never force the feeling Out. No all I could do is scream and shout And make up excuses as to why I was breaking down; Gibberish. Intensity. Stupidity. Naivety.  Trying to drown my problems Away. Keep drinking. Keep drinking. Losing the ability to Stand. Losing the ability to Breathe. Losing the ability to Vomit. And yet you can't get out Of your head what the Fuck has been going On, all along.  All along.  My greatest gift Being that I am never  Wrong. Oh how beautiful it is To be never wrong.

Drunk. Blacked out. But never being able To forget that you Were Never  Wrong.