My name is Am.

General F*-up

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One day before breakfast, an orange rolled off the counter and escaped its fate, bounding happily through the kitchen door. Filled with hope, the egg followed.

The Tiny Book of Tiny Stories - Joseph Gordon-Levitt

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Multi media painting by Jane Davies

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Wild Rivers - Do Right

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So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Chef’s Special - Nicotine

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Alone again?

Although I had a good time with one of my best friends this evening I can’t help the feeling of lonelyness now I am home again.

Being with other people makes my inner pain and all my doubts go away; we just have fun and just be together because we like each others company. And now I am truly alone I feel lonely, not because I AM alone, but because I have to face my own troubles and thoughts all alone. This is how I lived each day, just being by my self, contemplating about my life and my decisions. Slowly I am meeting my friends a bit more frequent again so that is nice and it keeps me busy. 

Only half a year ago I could go about my days and just live a whole week or so without talking to anyone. My depression and my psychosis were at their worst and all I could think of was separating myself from my friends, but that, of course, only made it worse.. Stupid what you can make yourself believe even if those thoughts make everything worse instead of better.

Now, despite me not wanting to at first, I push myself to go meet people and to invite myself over at my friends homes even if I don’t want to go and it always turns out better than expected. I just have to focus on the good time I will have and not think too much about not being good enough, or fun enough. I have always worked so hard to be the best version of me I could possibly be, and it is now time to just be myself.

If I could only love me as much as my dog loves me..

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Somehow this artpiece feels like peace..

Art by Vanja Vukelic, ink and digital media

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Art by Kelsey Smith

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Siv Jacobsen - Blanket

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Empytness

Sorry I have been so absent. My past couple of days have been quite empty and meaningless. I have had a procedure on my back which resulted in me having back pain for the last couple of days. The neurologist thought I maybe had a damaged nerve in my back so I had to go to emergency to be checked out but they deemed me ‘fine’ and my muscles and my bones were just hurt. So I am on a lot of pain medication which makes me a little absent at the moment. I am still in pain and I am unable to work, which sucks because I really need the money. I hope I can start working again somewhere next week.

I also seem to fail to take care of myself. I don’t feel the need to shower, or make myself look pretty or to put on nice clothes. I am just at home or walking my dog, so I don’t really care. There was a time when my looks were so important to me (like in high school or when I was in uni) and it ruled my whole day. I felt I needed to look nice to impress my friends or to keep up with trends or to fit in. Now I don’t anymore and just do as I please, which is great!. But the last couple of days I just couldn’t care less and I just walk around looking and feeling like a,.. well I don’t know, but its nothing good. Just sloppy and unkept I guess.

Well I hope my pain will soon be gone and I can go on living again and just being my own kind of happy..

Because this sucks.

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When inner scars Show on your face And darkness hides Your sense of place Well I won't speak I will refrain and be the song Just be the song

Foy Vance - Be The Song

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Perspective

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S. Carey - Fool’s Gold

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Pip Blom - I Think I’m In Love

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....What was mudded, was mudded: life, once grubbed, could never be won back ....

Passage from ‘Van oude menschen, de dingen, die voorbij gaan.. by Loius Couperus (1906)

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Snake