Elle, 26. Taiwanese American, disabled, trans woman, Appalachian lesbian from Lexington, KY. My life is a big mess, and that’s okay. You can find more about me here.
Two years ago I dated a cis woman for two months. In that time, we had sex at least 50+ times. She said “I love you”, joked about running away together, called me her soulmate, and made many other lofty promises.
Yeah this is fairly typical behaviour of a couple in their early 20′s.
Then one day out of nowhere she breaks up with me, saying she has some mental health issues she sometimes deals with and shouldn’t be with anyone right now.
So she set a boundary for herself for the benefit of her mental health. Good for her.
For six months we have an on and off flirtation with lots of “I miss you"s and more “I love you"s thrown around, and even some sexually explicit photos.
Once again, not atypical behaviour in an early 20′s breakup.
Then she finally admits that she broke up with me because I have a dick.
Clearly you’re not compatible.
Apparently she was penetratively raped by a cis man when she was younger, and my body was triggering for her.
So she was raped by a male and feels uncomfortable with male genitalia. This is a fairly common reaction to sexual trauma.
Okay but, 95% of the sex we had didn’t involve penetration at all? We had sex dozens and dozens of times?
If you’re uncomfortable with penises than any sex act, including non-penetrative ones, is going to make you uncomfortable.
She called me her soulmate?
Turns out you weren’t soul mates.
Turns out, all that mental illness bullshit of “I just shouldn’t be with anyone” was actually “I just shouldn’t be with you, a girl with a dick”.
A victim of sexual assault ended a relationship for the benefit of her mental health after determining that she was uncomfortable with male genitalia. This is a perfectly reasonable decision.
You are taking a decision she made for her wellbeing, making it about yourself, and distorting reality by implying that she made this choice because you’re transgender (”a girl with a dick”). She made this choice because you have a penis and she is uncomfortable with penises. This has nothing to do with your “gender identity”. You are twisting facts to make yourself out to be a victim of “transphobia”.
She never gives me– no, US– a chance to make things work.
You are not entitled to a relationship with her. You dated two years ago for two months. Accept the fact that she has a right to make decisions for herself and move on.
She never communicates her feelings of trauma despite my baring pretty much everything about my own many years of child sexual abuse and rape.
She is not obligated to disclose anything to you just because you choose to disclose many highly personal details.
She never thinks, “hey, maybe this person would understand how I’m feeling and I can reach out to them”.
You never think “hey, maybe this person doesn’t want to relive the trauma she experienced by sharing it with someone who doesn’t respect her right to set personal boundaries”
She never tries to make it work, despite calling me her “soulmate”.
She’s not interested, dude. You’re gonna have to come to terms with that.
She never stops to think that sex with a trans woman does not necessarily involve penetration.
You have a dick. She’s uncomfortable with dick. This is really not difficult to understand.
I even tell her this, and say I don’t care about sex at all, I just want to be with her, I’d even be fucking celibate,
Maybe she doesn’t want a sexless relationship with someone she feels uncomfortable with? Maybe she wants a sexually fulfilling relationship with someone she’s actually comfortable around? Or no relationship at all? Just a thonk.
and she isn’t convinced. She “just wouldn’t feel safe”.
Maybe stop trying to “convince” her to do things she doesn’t feel safe doing?
Honestly I feel like I was fucking used as an experiment, just like several previous relationships.
So you’re projecting past experiences (which you also haven’t moved on from) onto her. Lovely.
Her trigger wasn’t transphobic,
A trigger can’t be transphobic.
but her TREATMENT of me was–
We’ve already established that her decision not to date you is entirely reasonable. Not dating someone isn’t an act of discrimination.
I went from “dream girl” (her words) to nothing in an instant.
So you were really enjoying being put on a pedestal until she dumped you.
I wasted six months thinking I’d be back together with this person.
It’s unfortunate that you didn’t set appropriate boundaries for yourself and stop contacting this person after the breakup. It’s also unfortunate that you blame her for the fact that you kept your hopes up even though she communicated that she does not want to date you.
And that’s the difference here, because you wouldn’t see a cis woman treated the same way.
A “cis” woman wouldn’t be dumped due to another woman’s penis repulsion because “cis” women don’t have cocks.
This cis woman made everything about her trauma
Which she has a right to do seeing as she doesn’t owe anyone anything and can prioritize her mental health if she so chooses.
without stopping to consider how fucked up it would make me feel, as a survivor, to be implicitly called a potential rapist because of my body.
As a “survivor” one would expect you to be able to empathize with her not wanting to date someone whose genitals make her feel uncomfortable, seeing as coercing someone into having sex that makes them uncomfortable is rape.
Rape affects women disproportionately, with the majority of people convicted being male. The man who attacked her was male. You are male. Given your repeated lack of respect for her boundaries and obvious sense of entitlement to her sexual interest, I am not surprised that she feels unsafe with you.
Instead of having the guts to admit the truth, or work things out, she made me spend half a year waiting and hopeful,
She told you that she was uncomfortable with dick and you spent 6 months being hopeful that a relationship could occur between you? That sounds like a you problem, buddy.
only to fuck me up so bad that I was suicidal and spent another six months trying to recover from this fiasco.
So you threatened suicide when she re-asserted that she wasn’t interested in dating you. Perhaps you’re the one who needs to take some time off dating to work on your mental health, or rather your abusive behaviour and attitude of entitlement towards women.
My transness made me totally unapproachable and impossible to talk to, apparently.
Ah yes, it’s the “transness”, not the myriad of red-flag behaviours. This is my favourite tranny meme. 0 accountability for their actions, ”everyone leaves me because muh transness”. If these people didn’t like you because you were a tranny they wouldn’t have started dating you to begin with. Yet somehow it’s always the transness that’s to blame.
My transness made my feelings matter less than a cis woman’s.
Your sack and dongle made a rape victim uncomfortable, hon.
My transness made me undeserving of an honest explanation,
How is “I’m working on my mental health” not an honest explanation. She left a relationship that caused her distress due to her discomfort with male genitalia. That’s an excellent decision for her mental health.
She doesn’t owe you an apology. She doesn’t owe you a relationship, She has done nothing wrong. She set a boundary for herself. If you’re offended by her right to set boundaries for herself then you’re the problem here.
and of any consideration for my own experiences as a survivor.
The fact that you were raped doesn’t mean she owes you a relationship, or any information about her own experience of being raped.
And this is what happens to trans women who are also survivors every day– we are traumatized by society and then the cis women we love, who are supposed to be safe, betray us and treat us even worse.
So every day trans “women” try to guilt “cis” women into sex and then call themselves a victim of oppression when the women refuse?
I promise you, behind every story of “I’m a cis woman and I once dated a trans woman and I realized I’m just repulsed by penises”, there’s a heartbroken, irreparably damaged trans woman who has probably thought about, if not tried, to kill herself
Yeah unfortunately I don’t doubt that for every instance of a woman who sets boundaries for herself there’s a tranny who’s tried to guilt her out of leaving by making suicidal gestures
because of the experience of feeling as if your entire body, your very existence is wrong, or that you were unwittingly used as a “learning experience” or “experiment” .
Wow it’s like totally awful that someone learned something about themselves while they were in a relationship with you instead of just feeding you sympathy until they died of exhaustion
There’s a cis woman who couldn’t reconcile their transmisogyny to make a loving, communicative partnership work,
Guilting someone into fucking you via a public essay 2 years after a 2 month relationship with them doesn’t sound like a “loving, communicative” partnership, it sounds like the setup for a bad Stephen King novel.
and who instead took the path of least resistance,
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 relationships aren’t supposed to involve resistance 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
which meant stepping all over an extremely vulnerable and multiply-traumatized person in the process.
“stepping all over an extremely vulnerable an multiply traumatized person” you mean like calling a rape victim an “oppressor” for not wanting to pursue a relationship with a manipulative man who’s trying to guilt her into doing something she’s expressed multiple times she feels unsafe doing?
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