To Be Determined

This blog started as a way to share my JVC experiences.  Now, stick around as I figure out what simple living, social justice, community, and spirituality are all going to look like in my life as an FJV and how I can live like a Jesuit without actually becoming one.

[amandazfjv]

Finding Easter in a Desert Hike

Phoenix is interesting because it is a city surrounded by mountains.  In a 15-20 minute drive, a hiker can go from being surrounded by buildings, people, and traffic, to stepping out of their vehicle and walking towards their chosen trail for the day.  At the top of most summits, hikers can easily see why Phoenix, and the surrounding cities, are referred to as the valley because in their view lays the grid system the streets are laid out on, the surrounding cities, and the other mountains dispersed throughout the valley.  But, what does a desert hike have to do with Easter? 

Well, even in the desert, spring is a time for new life.  Just as trees start to bud and birds start to come back to Wisconsin, the desert starts to bloom (for a short amount of time) and critters start to come out of hiding (aka rattlesnakes and scorpions).  As temperatures start to rise and people start to adjust their lives so they can stay safe in the looming desert summer temperatures, thanks to these changes, new life is forming all around us.  This is perfect timing since, around the world, spring is also when people are entering into a new life in the Catholic Church through Baptism, the Eucharist, and Confirmation.  When walking along a trail, it’s hard not to think about the beauty of the Vigil while discovering small specs of color in the normally extremely brown environment and appreciating the inventor of 64 oz water carrying backpacks while rehydrating.  Just as the water sloshing in the backpack provides the fuel needed to continue on the path, the waters of baptism fuel us to step onto God’s path in a way we couldn’t before and just as water will wash away all the sweat and dust to prepare the hiker to complete the rest of their day rejuvenated, the waters of baptism wash away all the sweat and dust we have accumulated through our brokenness so we, rejuvenated, can work to complete the work God is calling us to.  Water fuels the next steps needed to find the color within the desert and to continue on with the day; baptism cleanses the soul and fuels the next steps needed to fully enter the church through the Eucharist and Confirmation.  And, just as the colors of the desert catch a hikers attention and remind them of the beauty of creation (even when it’s hotter than should be possible) the graces God gives the pilgrim along their way remind them of the beauty of the world among the brokenness of sin and destruction.  Thanks to the Holy Spirit, these graces are especially present in those coming to a sacrament for the first time.  

At the top of the summit, the hiker is greeted with a perspective only reachable through proper hydration and physical exertion; at the top of Triduum (the Easter Vigil), the pilgrim is greeted with a celebration and an “Alleluia!” that can only be fully appreciated after a time of spiritual hydration (prayer) and spiritual exhaustion (fasting and almsgiving).  Just as the view from the summit catches the hikers attention in a way the view from down below does not, the word “Alleluia” catches the ears of the pilgrim in a unique way after not hearing, or saying, the word throughout all of Lent.  New life rises in the desert to reveal there is still life among the dryness, and life rises at Easter to walk out of the tomb and to provide new life for all of those waiting for Him and to show what was once thought to be the end is not truly the end.  

Reaching a summit on a hike or being filled with grace at Easter (or any time) is never the end though.  There is the journey back down to where we came from.  Going back down also takes work and, at the bottom, we have two choices: we can keep the views we have seen and the graces we have received to ourselves or, to help share the beauty of creation and continue the work of God, we can share our experience so His message can continue to spread.  To encounter the beauty of creation and the grace of God, both the hiker and the pilgrim need to be willing to put in the work, but this work cannot be done without the guidance of the proper fuel and support.  In the end, the choice to do this work always belongs to the hiker and pilgrim, it’s just a matter of what they are more willing to do: put in the work to experience new life or miss out on the journey and the beauty of creation and salvation.  

When Jesus returns, I hope He finds me putting in the work to spend eternity with Him in the summit of the New Jerusalem.  This Easter season, will you join me on this climb?  

[amandazfjv]

A Mix of Worlds: Where do I fit in?

Note: In this blog, when I mention discomfort or things being different, I am by no means intending to say one situation is better than the other or that the discomfort comes from not being happy or things being bad.  The discomfort I am mentioning is the good type of discomfort that happens when you are being drawn out of yourself and into a fuller, more well rounded, world view and that comes when you are trying to wrap your mind around things you have never experienced before or have never learned about before.  I have so much respect for everyone mentioned in this blog and would never want to do anything to either put them on a pedestal or lower who they are as individuals.

More than once, Cailin has so graciously let me attempt to unpack to her what my experiences have been since moving to Phoenix.  One experience which has come up more than once is the way, in one day, I can switch from a neighborhood where evidence of people living in poverty is very clear to a church/school campus which clearly has more money than is ever truly needed (green grass year round in Phoenix, while looking nice, is always a sure giveaway of a properties financial status) to my apartment complex which falls more in the middle of the spectrum.  When going for a walk or jog, I will leave my apartment and pass the country club across the street, a gated apartment complex, some of the more popular places for people to stand along the street and ask people passing by for help, people taking a nap behind a rock or under a tree with a cart or pile of materials next to them, people trying to catch the bus, people driving way faster than they should in their fancy sports cars, and so much more.  Coming home from my walk, or coming back to my apartment after school or a church event, it is not uncommon for people to be digging through our apartment complex dumpsters.  Moving between such opposite ends of the financial status spectrum has me wrestling with how God is calling me to fit into all of this.

Now, especially those who know the different things I am involved in, might be thinking, “Amanda, you already do so much, just keep being you.”  If you are thinking this, my question is why?Among my transitioning from different social classes, a similar response I get when telling people from higher social classes where I work is almost always something along the lines of, “Good for you.”  Again, my question is why is this their, and maybe your, response?  There is no reason to pat me, or anyone working with people on the margins of society, on the back for what we do.  Is working at St. Matt’s draining sometimes, sure.  Here’s the thing though, so was working at Holy Apostles sometimes and, besides being a Catholic school, HA is essentially the opposite of St. Matt’s.  The reality is all jobs are draining from time to time, so why do more people feel the need to give me a pat on the back for working in a school that happens to have less resources and more police helicopters flying over than what I had at HA?  And, how do I share what I am learning and experiencing without accidentally, or rudely, dismissing other peoples thoughts  that my life is important because, through their eyes, what I do is work with “poor kids.”  Last year, Joe said multiple times suffering is not meant to be compared (I don’t remember if he heard this somewhere or just says it) and I absolutely agree.  Do a lot of my students’ families have financial and food insecurities as some of the things they face in their day to day lives? Yes, but this doesn’t define them.  Yet, when I talk about school, this seems to be all that people see.  And, when I made the switch from HA to St. Matt’s, people’s view of the work I am doing went from a “that makes sense” attitude to a “that’s so wonderful” one.  So, how do I help spread the messages that my kids don’t need other peoples’ sorrow, they need to be supported just like every other student in this world and their suffering does not define them, who they are as a person does?  Hopefully, this blog post is a start.

Next, let’s take a look at SFX.  Yes, this church is in debt like I imagine all are, but a main reason it is in debt (to my knowledge) is because of a recently built parish hall which is decked out with a couple projectors, a sound system, and probably other features I don’t know about or haven’t learned how to run yet.  Every winter and spring, the grass gets changed because the best way to have green grass year round in the dessert, besides using an obnoxious amount of water, is rotating between summer and winter grasses.  It is also obvious to me how some of the people I interact with there on a regular basis, whom I love because they are awesome and my life wouldn’t be as great without them, come from families who have or had more money than I’ll probably ever have and have parents/relatives who went to college.  NOTE! This IS NOT me saying having a lot of money is bad or saying not getting a bachelors is bad, it is just different and noticeable because with each background comes different sets of unspoken rules, different styles of communication, and different views of the world.  As a result of these differences, I once again find myself trying to figure out how I fit into this culture I am not used to.

Finally, there is the world I enter when I go home at night and where I spend the majority of my weekend in.  If I was living by myself in a studio or one bedroom in my complex, it would not be as affordable, but splitting a two bedroom with Cailin makes living here extremely affordable, especially given its location.  I like how my complex doesn’t appear to have taken steps to report the people who look through our dumpsters.  I have never seen this, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if some people sleep on the property of our complex because I know there are a couple spots down and around the block where people will spend the night.  The do have green grass year round here, but no place is perfect, right.  :-P  Looking to the future of my complex, which just changed names under new management, I do have some fears though.  It has been less than a week since we learned of the name/management change and changes will already begin to happen to the appearance of our complex in the next few weeks.  The video they have playing in the leasing office, which shows previews of the upcoming changes, gives off the vibe they are trying to draw in a different crowd.  Right now, there is a good mix of families, couples, and single people, but the upcoming changes look like your stereotypical millennial apartment complex and, with these changes, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if they upped the price.  My gut tells me the upcoming changes will contribute to the unjust process currently happening in Phoenix where people experiencing homeless or who have incomes below the poverty line are being pushed away from downtown and towards neighborhoods where people avoid and which are further from a lot of key resources people need.  This is happening because affordable housing is not being put up as the city develops.  Before sharing this next point, it is important to keep in mind the reason I may be noticing this is because last year was my first year in Phoenix, but as this school year has progressed there seems to be more people experiencing homelessness on the stretch of road my school is on.  To me, this is very tangible evidence of the ways the city, as it develops, is not taking into consideration affordable housing and is just trying to be a hip city, especially since my school is in one of the parts of the city a lot of people try to avoid.  So, if my fears are true, how do I fit into this?  Do I stay in this complex and let my rent support the gentrification of Phoenix or do I try to find a place taking steps to not support gentrification?  And, while here, how am I being called to enter into community with the people I pass in my day to day life.

As I switch from situation to situation, the diversity (or lack of) also changes.  In the St. Matt’s neighborhood, and at school, I am one of not very many white people present.  At SFX, unless I am at youth group, it is mainly people who are white unless you go to the Spanish.  At my apartment, there is a little, not much, but a little diversity among who I see.  As I white woman, how do I fit in to all of this? 

In all three situations, I often ask myself, “How am I being called to enter into community/reach out to the people living in each space?”  Sometimes, it’s pretty easy to figure out (like the ways I have been able to get involved at SFX) and in others, it’s not.  Even in places where it seems easier to figure out, a try to always consider how I am called to go deeper.  Among all of this, I am slowly finding ways to find answers to these questions while also checking my bias’s along the way because labeling/generalizations/assumptions are always a dangerous road to go down (hopefully, to those reading this, it doesn’t seem like I am making generalizations/labeling because that is the opposite of what I want to do.  To the best of my ability and knowledge, I am trying to accurately share what I see and experience on a day to day basis.  

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The reality of this blog post is I am out of my comfort zone in a lot of ways, not because things in my life are bad, but because life in Phoenix is very different than life in WI.  So, as JVC always pushed, it’s important for me to keep leaning into the discomfort to learn, grow, reflect, and (when called) enter into these different worlds.  What will this look like?  Only time will tell.

[amandazfjv]

When reading St. Ignatius’s autobiography A Pilgrim’s Journey, one thing which stuck out to me was how, multiple times St. Ignatius was sent home when feeling ill because they thought being in his home air might help.  At the time, it seemed like a strange, if not last ditch, way to treat an illness; I get it know.

Over winter winter break, I was fortunate enough to spend two weeks back in Wisconsin.  This was the first time I had been back in six months and was the first time in two years I had experienced a Wisconsin winter.  Walking from inside the airport into winter temps for the first time in two years, I was extremely excited to have to bundle up because, believe it or not, when you’re used to four seasons a year shorts weather year round can actually get kind of old, especially for someone like me who is very clearly built for Wisconsin weather.  Why God built me for cold temps then sent me to Phoenix is beyond me, but I definitely plan on asking if I make it to heaven one day.  The cold was wonderful, but the lack of snow was a little disappointing (only a little because I was also extremely thankful winter weather hadn’t messed with my travel plans).

With two weeks in the state, I had a lot of ground I to cover, especially since I most likely won’t be back again until this summer.  Thanks to the amazing generosity of so many people, I was able to get a lot of what I wanted to do done (although, sadly, there is never enough time to see everyone, especially since everyone is spread out all over the state and my car stayed in Phoenix).  I was able to see a few friends, over 50 relatives at Kieffer Family Christmas, one of my cooperating teachers and his family, and my godparents.  I was also able to catch a few Newman people when I attended mass in Point, go see The Greatest Showman with my mom, and get in some much needed godmother/godson time, during which I officially planted the seed that marriage isn’t the only vocation out there; God might also call him to the priesthood, religious life, or the single life.  He can’t talk yet, so it was a one way conversation, but I’m sure he absorbed what I said and is already discerning.  :-P  Sadly, it was to cold out to go sledding or check out the Marshfield lights.  Maybe next year.

Now, I am a teacher, which means no break is ever truly a break.  During this down time, I was also able to get a good amount of work done to help me hit the ground running when school starts again on the 8th.  To all of you thinking, “It must be nice to have off until the 8th unlike most of WI schools who went back on the 2nd.” don’t worry, I’ll be paying the price this summer when it’s possible teachers will need to report back on July 31st.

As I sit in the Milwaukee airport, looking out the window at mostly empty gates and putting the finishing touches on this post, I am a little sad to be heading back because only getting to go home twice a year isn’t always the easiest, but I am also ready to go back.  During break, I took a lot of time to reflect on where I’m at and check in with God about his current plan for me and if I am still meant to be in Phoenix.  Through prayer and reflection, the answer I got was yes.  Meditating on my own death (a meditation I am finding to be quite common in the Jesuit world) forced me to rethink about all of the things I am missing as a result of moving so far away: godson growing milestones, babies being born, bridal showers, baby showers, and so many opportunities to get together with family and friends.  My Wisconsin community means the world to me, and missing so many milestones in their lives breaks my heart sometimes, but among this sadness I found God whispering, “Keep going back.” and while I was packing I knew I was packing to head back to keep doing the work God has called me to.  

Boarding my plane in 30 minutes is definitely the next thing I need to do, but I also know I would not be as rested going back to school as if I had not made it back to Wisconsin for Christmas or if my family had come to Arizona for Christmas.  There was something about breathing in the cold winter air, seeing a little bit of snow on the ground, and eating the food I grew up with (by this, I mainly mean eating lots and lots of cheese of course), and attending mass in a town and parish which radically changed my life that restores the soul in a way nothing else can.  And, unexpectedly, it gave me a little better understanding of the life of St. Ignatius of Loyola and reminded me to get back to a pilgrim’s and servant’s mindset (well, the servant part came from Fr. Tom’s homily when I was in Point).  Thanks to everyone who made this break such an amazing one!!  As the plane takes off, you can bet I’ll be giving you all, and this state I love, a peace sign out the window.

[amandazfjv]

It’s hard to believe it is already Christmas break.  During JVC, months between Orientation and Christmas seemed to last forever (not in an I just want these months to be over kind of way, just in a time seems to be moving slower than normal kind of way).  I remember enjoying this strange phenomenon because, entering JVC, I was terrified my JV year would flash before my eyes.  Thankfully, it wasn’t until after DisO in January when time started to move quickly.  Five months into my first year as an FJV, time is still flying by.  I am sure part of the reason is because so many things have happened in these last five months.  I have helped run a full Alpha series, been a core member on a middle school and high school youth group, been teaching 39 lessons a week while building two curriculums and teaching myself how to teach one subject (Computers), traveled out of town for Thanksgiving (thanks to the Burr family!!), started to get to know this year’s JVs, chaperoned my first school dance, participated in a busy person’s retreat, started the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises, and done other things I am sure I am forgetting.  Plus, there is learning how to be an adult so far away from home.  

As I approached Christmas break, with the guidance of the exercises, I realized just how bad I have been at taking steps to reflect and to keep up to date with people back home.  During  JVC, I used social media and this blog as a way to stay in touch, but as soon as JVC ended I did a semi dropout from the social media world.  I have definitely spent more time looking at posts than sharing, which is the opposite of what I did last year when I would sometimes log on just to post my weekly update and then log back off.  While the break was definitely needed, it is time to get back to things: 1-While I am thankful God has given me so many things to be a part of in Phoenix, and it is important for me to be present to them, it is equally important for me to stay connected to everyone back home who helped me get to this point in my life because their relationships are just as important to me as those I have in Phoenix.  2-Not taking time to reflect goes against a key part of Ignatian Spirituality and will hinder my 19th Annotation experience.  3-Journaling/blogging is a key way for me to process what God is doing in my life, look at where I am dropping the ball and where I am getting things right, and see what direction God wants me to keep heading towards.  And so, with this blog post, I am vowing to get better about writing posts, whether on Facebook, Instagram, or this blog, in order to stay more connected to God, my friends/family, and myself.  If no one reads them, that’s fine, but if you do I hope these posts help you learn a little about what one person’s experience might look like while working/living in Phoenix.

St. Matt’s:  Walking into St. Matt’s every day, you never know what is going to get thrown your way.  The day could go smoothly; there could be a lockdown; or I might need to balance planes going over so my voice can’t be heard, a student throwing up for the umpteenth time this year, two kids getting upset because they both want to be the line leader, and the next two grades arriving and heading straight towards the puke while all of this is happening.  As chaotic as it can get sometimes, I love it.  I am fortunate enough to teach each of my just over 200 students 4 days a week and I get to teach my kinder-4th graders five days a week.  Seeing them this often, an now teaching most of them for a second year in a row, they own a piece of my heart in a way they did not last year.  For some, especially the older students, the transition from having a JV teach P.E. to the building of a P.E. program hasn’t always been easy, but I couldn’t be more proud of them because of how much they have learned and how much they have grown as individuals since I first met them.  Each day, my kids do something to make me laugh, teach me something new about being a teacher or being a selfless human being, melt my heart, and (usually) do something to make me want to pull my hair out and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  But, my students aren’t the only people who make this place worth going back to each and every day; there are also my coworkers.  If you need a lesson on being flexible or taking care of others, just come work with my coworkers for a day and you will leave a better person.  Each teacher at St. Matt’s wears more hats than any person should ever have to because they know, at the end of the day, it’s what’s best for our kids.  This attitude is clearly picked up in our students who never think twice when someone needs help and care for their younger siblings in a way I have never seen kids do before.  My coworkers are clearly helping students prepare for life in general, not just the next test people want to throw at them, and I am so thankful to get to see them work, to work with them, and to learn from them.

AZHPE:  This year, I was able to attend Arizona’s state P.E./Health Ed. convention.  I attended two of the three days.  During the convention, I was able to learn more about education at the state and national level, learn some new games and strategies to take back to St. Matt’s, and make a few connections.  From these connections, I have since attended a board meeting for our state organization and will, hopefully, be able to start getting involved with the organization sooner rather than later.

Teaching in general:  Teaching Computers is something I never thought I would do (what I would give to be able to go back and shake my high school and college self and tell myself to remember more of the tech things I was learning).  It is clear my students have not had the access to computers society assumes every kid has so we are working on the basics and then will build up from there as the program grows.  The internet has been my best friend as I learn how to teach this subject.  The internet has also been my best friend when it comes to growing as a P.E. teacher.  Through a couple memberships and various social media outlets, I have been able to connect with teachers from around the world and they have been amazing in answering questions and providing resources as I build a P.E. program from scratch.  I am having a blast getting reconnected to the P.E. world and cannot wait to see what I will learn and experience, as well as how my students will benefit, as a result of these connections.

SFX: During my JV year, I found a couple of ways to get involved at Saint Francis Xavier (a Jesuit Parish).  After JVC, I became even more involved and became an official member of the church, something I hadn’t done since filling out yearly registration cards for Newman.  SFX has been one of the key ways I have found/been able to live out the pillar of Community since leaving JVC. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for the friendships, and sense of community, I have found here.

19th Annotation:  In the months after JVC, I decided to participate in a Busy Person’s Retreat through SFX.  At the end of the retreat, it became pretty clear God was inviting me to complete a version of St. Ignatius’s Spiritual Exercises with the director I had for the busy persons retreat.  I am about a month and a half into what is a several month long retreat.  In this retreat, and in my weekly spiritual direction meetings, God is calling me out of my comfort zone in ways I would never have thought to do on my own.  Only time will tell what type of growth God has in store for me through this retreat, but I am trying to just enjoy the experience without skipping to the end.

Wrap Up: Deciding to move so far away from home for who knows how long was not an easy decision to make.  Only being able to make it home a couple times of year can make it even harder, but it is so clear Phoenix is where God wants me to be right now.  I have found, when I am on God’s path for my life, opportunities arise and things fall into place in a way they do not when I have stepped off this path; in Phoenix, things are coming together like when I am on His path for me.  All I can do is take it one day at a time and trust He knows what He is doing.

[amandazfjv]

Let’s Contemplate!

Today is my 41st day as an FJV.  In the grand scheme of things, this is such a small number compared to, God willing, how many days I will live as an FJV.  Yet, there is already a lot to contemplate.  Depending on the person, life as an FJV might look like going back to school, getting a job in the JV’s placement city or at their placement, getting a job back home, or moving back home to figure out the next step.  For me, my FJV life hit the ground running because teachers needed to be back to St. Matt’s two days after my JVC contract ended.  Between moving out of Casa Bart, starting school, getting back into a “real world” routine, and prepping for the two youth groups I am helping with, I have been guilty of focusing more on the action part of the Jesuit phrase “contemplatives in action” than the contemplative part.  This morning, at a Java with the Jesuits event, they played a song which put me right back to JVC because it was the same song my community used when we led prayer at DisO.  This song, combined with all the Jesuit talk of the session, inspired me and so today is the day to actually sit down and reflect on life as someone who is 41 days into her FJV life.  I had originally created this blog to share my experiences during JVC, but it really helps me reflect on life, so I am going to keep doing it.  Is this something people can benefit from?  Who knows, but I do know, now more than I knew when I signed up that serving with JVC is just the beginning of the story so, feel free to join me as I figure out what ways God is calling me to live out the new me, and continue to grow, on this FJV pilgrimage.  

Here is a general timeline of some thoughts I have had since JVC ended: 1. I have to wait how long to get paid? 2. It takes HOW long for my insurance to kick in? 3. Wait, it’s time for me to get paid again?  I just got paid two weeks ago. (note: stipend day was the first of the month and only on the first of the month). 4. I’m sorry, you mean I don’t have to consult with 5 other people before going grocery shopping? 5. I need to get home.  It’s Monday (or Wednesday) which means I have….oh wait, no I don’t.  Business meetings, community nights, and spirituality nights are no longer a scheduled thing in my life. 6. These new shoes cost almost as much as a full stipend. 7. My money isn’t just mine, it is meant to be used to help others way more than it was in my pre JVC life. 8. Cleaning an apartment where two people live is nothing compared to cleaning a house where 6 people live, but only having one chore a week was nice. 9. What will each of these pillars look like for me now? 10. Going back into the JV house is weird, but the new JVs are awesome. 11. My FJV timeline is accidentally somewhat matching my JV one (I found myself spending time with the Jesuits and in Jerome over Labor Day-just like last year-and found myself at the JV welcome potluck one year after ours was). 12. Time as a new FJV is going much faster than time as a JV did (time felt both fast and slow in the first months of JVC, now it just feels fast). 13. I miss my community.

Going into JVC, you have no idea how you are going to be changed, but the list above lightly shows some of the ways I am already seeing changes.  The way I pray, the way I notice the injustices of the world, the way I view/appreciate relationships, and the way I go about teaching have all changed.  I feel like they are all more intentional and well rounded because I am able to have a bigger picture in mind than when I started JVC.  Overall, one of the biggest things I’ve noticed is the doors God is opening in my life.  I’ve found that when I am on the right path I have more opportunities than I know what to do with, but when I’ve strayed off the number of opportunities also declines.  It is truly amazing how God works when you give Him permission to do so.

Becoming a JV changed everything for me, and waking up in Phoenix every day is a reminder of the ways I have grown in the last year.  I still can’t see the big picture yet; I still don’t know why God has moved me 2,000 miles away from my family (I haven’t met some of the newest members of the Kieffer clan because of this distance and have only met my godson once) or what he wants me to do with these changes and, sometimes, it can be easy to want to jump to the last pages of the story so I can start taking the right steps to get there but, a recent theme reminds me to step back and enjoy the ride.  I know this is a common thing for people to say, but within the last week on almost a daily basis someone as talked about how it is the journey, not the destination.  So, I’m going to do my best to hear what God is saying to me and enjoy the ride while trying with all of my strength to trust that He’s got this.

AMDG,

Amanda

[amandazfjv]

Now What?

Photo Source: https://quotefancy.com/quote/1303313/Ignatius-of-Loyola-Teach-us-to-give-and-not-to-count-the-cost

Today is the feast day of St. Ignatius of Loyola (the founder of the Jesuits-whom I have a love/hate relationship with and of a spirituality which I have come to love).  Today is also my last day as a JV; when the clock strikes midnight on August first, I will go from JV to FJV (Former Jesuit Volunteer).  I know it’s time to transition, but I’m by no means ready.  There is no way I can explain what it is like to have to say goodbye to a year of being connected to an organization that’s challenging you to be the best version of yourself and that feels so much like home.  There is no way to truly explain how hard it is to go from living with five complete strangers to having to say goodbye to living with five family members.  There is no way to even start explaining everything I have learned this year about simple living, social justice, spirituality, being a contemplative in action, striving for the Magis, community, God, or myself because I am just starting to process it myself and am told I will be processing it for years to come, if not the rest of my life.  I can, however, share where I am at now.

Driving to mass last night, walking into church, and sitting in the pew was a little harder than I was expecting it to be.  This is because it hit me it was the last time Joe and I would make the drive to SFX together this year, the last time (this year) we would be at LifeTeen together, and the last time (this year) we would have a Sunday night chat on our way home about anything from food to the deeper topics of life.  And, this made me sad.  Thankful for the friendship Joe and I have formed, but sad to think about how it will have to continue from a different state starting on Tuesday.  But, as the choir sang a version of St. Ignatius’s Suscipe prayer, God spoke to me in this sadness.  For those unfamiliar with the Suscipe prayer, it goes like this:

                                 Take, Lord, and receive all my liberty,                                      my memory, my understanding,                                                and my entire will,                                        All I have and call my own.

                                        You have given all to me.                                          To you, Lord, I return it.

                          Everything is yours; do with it what you will.                             Give me only your love and your grace,                                           that is enough for me.

“You have given all to me.  To you, Lord, I return it.”  I said no to God’s invitation to do JVC right after college, but God gave me a second chance.  He gave me this year to be a JV and the opportunity to live in a way which is most likely the closest thing to a Jesuit I am ever going to get.  Now, it’s time to give it back.  It’s time to give God all of the experiences and growth I have gained this year so He can help me process, help me continue to grow, and help me become the person He is calling me to be.  It’s time for me to attempt to stop running the show and let him transform my FJV life into something that will give Him the most glory.  It’s time to use my life as a way to say thank you to Him for giving me this year, and this life.    

My year as a JV coming to an end is hard, but this message helps bring an overwhelming level of comfort and peace among the fears and sadness I have because the end is hear.  And, “Here I am Lord” being one of the communion songs was the icing on the cake.  This song was key in my JVC discernment process so it was only fitting that it was part of my last Sunday mass as a JV.  

If I’m brutally honest, this year has taken a lot out of me.  St. Matt’s experienced more heartache than any school deserves to have in one year, living in intentional community is not always easy, and being exposed to the injustices of the world in a whole new way can all work together to break a person down.  But, I believe it’s a breaking down that needs to happen to make room for the build up of a more loving, caring, well rounded individual.  So now, it’s time to be patient with myself by allowing myself to be sad about the end but it’s also time to start the rebuilding process and see what all comes out at the other end.  As I spend the rest of my life processing this year and the many years/experiences which got me to this point, I have no idea where God is going to take me.  Only He knows, but until then:

Here I am Lord.  You have given me this year, to you I return it.  This year, I have wrestled with you, St. Ignatius, and myself and, as a result, you have ruined me for life.  Please continue to do so by enflaming the desires in my heart which will help me become who I am meant to be and taking away the ones which will draw me away from you.  Everything is yours Lord.  Let’s do this and let’s do this together.  

[amandazfjv]

My JV fam, this one’s for you.

As my JV year comes to an end, there are so many thank you’s to be given and so many lessons and experiences to process as I prepare to transition back into “the real world.”  One of the biggest thank you’s I have to give is to my West Coast JVC family.  It is the west coast JVs, staff members (shout out to Sarah and Patrick for sticking this bumpy year out to the end and for picking up the work of all of those who did not end the year with us), and support people (you rock Emily and Rich!) who made this year a life changing one.  I do not know if I am ever going to be able to find a group of people as genuine, caring, funny, affirming, and authentic as you all.  Each of you, through your example, taught me what it means to live out the four pillars and what it means/looks like to be a good human.  Think I’m wrong?  Keep reading for your proof.

Cue DisO and the gallery walk activity Meg led us through.  This activity was a crucial one for me when it came to finally being at a place to emotionally start to transition from JV to FJV and, as I reached this moment, I broke.  I was a blubbering mess (which says something because I DO NOT cry).  Somehow, in all of your kindness, you created an environment where my eyes decided they could leak like crazy in front of you (well done on your end).  The term “authentic” is thrown around a lot in the JV world, and I’ve already used it once, but I am still going to use it again here.  You all, in sharing your authentic selves with me, have also challenged me to be my most authentic self and to create relationships where others feel they can be their most authentic self as well.  In this, you have also shown me an uncountable amount of ways to serve others and fight for social justice with joy.  Possibly most importantly, you all have taught me to see the world through a different lense.   

Sadly, this post is going to be shorter than some because, In all honesty, one blog post could never truly capture everything I am thankful for.  There is the usual words can’t always do a thank you justice reason, but there is also another one.  This reason is because I am only just starting to scratch the surface of all the lessons I have learned this year.  I am assuming I will be processing this year, and discovering ways it has affected me, for the rest of my life and, as a result, I am sure I am also just starting to grasp all of the lessons you all taught me.  I fully expect to still be having JVC light bulb moments when I am well past retirement age and teaching P.E. while using my walker or when sitting in my rocker at a nursing home finding joy in the simple moments (like when my fake teeth fall out in my soup).  So, thank you in advance for these lessons as well.  :-) 

To all of the JVs, the Phoenix local support system, PCs, JV staff, and Jesuits who have supported me this year, THANK YOU!!  Being a JV is definitely not always easy but, thanks to all of you, the challenges are bearable and contribute more to growth than to emotional exhaustion.  I wish you all nothing but the best in the next adventures of your life.  Now that I have officially entered this strangely small Jesuit world, I hope your paths will cross again.  JVC Class of 2017 class reunion anyone? 

[amandazfjv]

DisO Reflection: Simple Living

Photo Source: https://simplelivingover50.com/2014/11/07/11-07-14-friday-remember-to-live-a-simple-life/

*This is the text version of a reflection I was recently fortunate enough to to give at the JVC West Coast DisOrientation.” 

Before I get started, can we all take a moment to acknowledge that if someone had been getting paid for every simple living joke made this year, they probably would have made a pretty decent profit.

While jokes about life are what helps keep people going, especially when working in areas as stressful as our placements can be, the reality is it is time for us to set some of this joking aside and figure out what each pillar, including simple living, is going to look like for us as we head into our AY year or our first year as an FJV.  Will we continue to live out the pillars in the same ways we did this year?  Will we lighten up a little bit, or maybe a lot?  Or, will we take steps to live out the pillars in an even deeper way.

Personally, radically living out simple living makes me the most nervous.  You see, the ways I most naturally live simply are also ways which can very quickly disconnect me from whatever is currently trending (although, thanks to my students, I could talk to you for hours about DIY slime, bottle flipping, fidget spinners, and DIY lanyards).  Pretty much everyone I meet says I am not your typical 25 year old so, yeah, choosing to separate myself even more from my peers is terrifying.  But, as a conversation with my college campus minister led to, what was the point of doing JVC if I wasn’t going to let it change me.  

And so, in true Jesuit fashion, it’s time to put the contemplative part of contemplatives in action to work.  To be brutally honest, because of how I was raised and how the JVC budget/stipend is set up I expected simple living to be the easiest and, as a result, it was lowest on my priority list when it came to reflecting.  Joke was on me because it was this pillar I wrestled with the most as I came to JVC and I am wrestling with it again as I transition out.  

Let’s go back to August 3rd, the night before we all were going to begin our year together.  Was I worrying about what community life would be, the things I would see at my placement, living in such a big city compared to what we have in WI, or flight delays/cancellations?  Nope, I was worrying about how much stuff I had packed.  The brain is very powerful and, somehow, mine had convinced me I had packed to way much and at the same time not nearly enough.  I think I weighed my larger bag at least 3 times before finally accepting it was less than 50 lbs and spent an hour rearranging and repacking before I finally listened to my mom and her boyfriend and went to bed for the short nap we all got to take before getting up to hit the road and get me to the airport by 3:30 am.

Looking back, these fears make me laugh because (as some of you may remember) Casa Bart Casa Bart came rolling in with more bags than pretty much everyone else because we were given different baggage directions than what most had received.  But, look back these conflicting feelings remind me about the strange relationship people have with things.  I can’t help but wonder how society has gotten to the point where getting rid of items they never use causes some more stress than swiping a credit card to add to the collection.  And, when did society get to the point where a high schooler can get torn apart by her classmates as she walks down the hallway because she didn’t know the shoes which were donated to her, shoes her family could never afford, are called Sperries?  And, more importantly, how do we fight these attitudes?  For me, it looked like getting rid garbage bags worth of items when I went to visit home for the first time in June.  As I was going through my items, some asked, “what if you want them again or need them later?”  People won’t always get it, but just imagine how the world could start to change if each of us could, through our actions, inspire others to simplify their life.  They, in return, might inspire others,  Before we know it, who knows what type of chain reaction we could have!

Clothing is just scratching the surface when it comes to this pillar though.  Living simply is about so much more than what makes up your wardrobe.  It’s about being smart consumers and considering how online shopping and Amazon might affect retail stores and the people they employ.  It’s about reducing waste, maybe by composting without a family of maggots moving in (a task Casa Bart was unsuccessful in) to protect what Pope Francis calls “our common home.”  It’s about forgoing that text, Facebook post, or snap to take the time to actually make a phone call, write a letter, or talk in person.  It’s about turning off phones while sharing a meal with others.  Or, when alone, it’s about still taking the time to enjoy your meal instead always eating mindlessly while catching up on your Instagram feed or the newest Netflix series.  It’s about this and so, so much more.  Well, to me it is anyway.  To each one of us, it’s going to look differently.  The big question is, how do we live out the parts of simple living we relate to while possibly, no probably, being questioned by everyone from our coworkers, parents, best friends, clients, students, and even a complete stranger?

It’s fascinating to think about because everything we own has the potential to start a conversation with one of these individuals.  Think about all of the conversations you’ve had about your favorite stores or, on the flip side, about the ridiculous item you and a friend saw that you can’t believe anyone would buy.  Plus, think about all of the experiences you have invested in-concerts, trips, ice cream dates, late night tbell or half priced apps runs, which have helped form either past or current relationships of yours.  Or, think about an experiences you’ve had this year with clients or students which revolved around their wish/struggle to obtain items they want and/or need but don’t have the resources to obtain.  Conversations about simple living are easy to have when everyone involved sees eye to eye.  The problem is, sometimes your view of what you can invest in when living simply doesn’t always match what others think can be invested in when living simply.  This is a situation I found myself facing in October.

From the day I applied to JVC the first time I knew I wanted to live within my stipend (even to cover my plane ticket home) and, with this year very much being a second chance from God, I didn’t want to waste it.  This desire caused me to have to make a pretty tough decision-spend $30 to go to a concert with the rest of my community or save it in case I ended up going home for the holidays.  At the time, I didn’t know if I was going home or not because I only planned on going home if no one in my community was staying.  So, out of the chance I would be going home before the end of JVC, I knew I needed to save as much money as possible if my stipend was going to cover my plane tickets.  Because of this, I didn’t go.  It’s important to note my community was very supportive and never tried to sway me to change my mind but, to this day, I don’t know if I made the right decision.  Living simply is an extremely important thing to do, I have learned there is a fine line between living simply and staying connected to those you care about.  This experience helped me recognize some of the anxieties which can come from living simply and how crucial it is to check those anxieties on a regular basis to discern if they need to be listened to or if they are controlling my life in an unhealthy way.  The decision sucked in the moment and, like I said, I still question making this decision, especially since there is still so much relationship building to do at the beginning of JVC, but I do know this struggle helped me find a better balance when it came to what I was willing to do for my one-on-ones with my community.  It has always been hard for me to spend money, and it probably always will be but,  as a result of this experience and the type of community member I was trying to become, I believe I was more inclined to go out and spend a few bucks with my community members every now and then.  Turns out, simple living isn’t so black and white.  In my experiences, most of the time, simple living encourages relationships to grow.  In this case, the decision I made did the opposite.

Just like everything in life, it’s about balance.  But, what do you want your scale to look like?  How heavy, or how light, do you want the simple living side of the scale to be?  And, more importantly, why do you want it to look that way?  My college professor used to say he cared less about your answer and more about the why’s you had to defend it.  So, what are the “why’s” in your life that will transform simple living from something you happen to do into a personal, intentional decision you make everyday.  Or, if you don’t relate to this pillar, why will you choose to not live this lifestyle?  Come August 1st, I want to live simply because I don’t want to lose the freedom that has come from limiting my social media use to weekends and days I don’t work.  I want to live simply because I no longer want to waste energy on whether or not I am fitting in with the times.  I want to live simply because, especially as someone who is a sucker for quality time, I don’t want to contribute to the forming culture of it being acceptable to be on your phone when someone is trying to talk with you; I want to be present to the people in the room with me and to the world around me.  I want to live simply because I believe a simple lifestyle will keep me closer to my students.  I want to live simply because I want the world to see working at a low income school is just as important (and just as possible) as working at the rich white school across town, even if the school can’t pay you as much.  Most importantly, I want to live simply because I believe it is what God is asking me to do.  These are just some of my why’s.  What are yours going to be?  

[amandazfjv]

Summer LP at Brophy (the video is from one of the kids music classes)

During the month of June, Chris and I worked with the Summer Loyola Project (LP) Summer School Program at Brophy High School (the local all boys Jesuit High School).  Chris and I shared the responsibilities of running the morning and after school care program for children of Brophy staff members, but were placed in different classrooms.  Summer LP serves the children of teachers at Brophy as well as children from schools throughout the Phoenix area (including St. Matt’s).  To help with transportation, they have busses and vans to pick up students from central locations so they do not have to be dropped off.  For example, some of my St. Matt’s kids are dropped off at St. Matt’s and then ride the bus to Brophy.  I spent half of my time working with Flavio in first grade and the other half running first grade on my own because Flavio needed to leave to start his new job. My typical day looked like this:

7:30 am-8:30 am: Morning Care (board games or Uno anyone?)

8:30 am-9:00 am: Summer LP Sign in, bus/van arrivals, and hang out session on the front lawn where the students sign in and meet up with their tutors.

9:00 am: Gather for announcements/morning prayer before being dismissed by grade level to the classrooms.

9:15 am-9:45 am: Writing

9:45 am-10:15 am: Snack/Recess

10:15 am-10:45 am: Art, Music, or Faith Formation

10:45 am-11:20 am: Math

11:20 am-11:50 am Reading

11:50 am-12:00 pm: Clean up/dismissal

12:00 pm-1:30 pm: After Care (more board games or Uno anyone?)

In my classroom, I had two of my St. Matt’s kindergarteners who are going into 1st grade as well as students from a few other schools.  No matter the grade, students are assigned to high school tutors (either incoming sophomores at Brophy fulfilling their Sophomore Mentor Project or high school girls from St. Francis Xavier (an all girls high school school located on the same campus as the Jesuit parish, elementary school, and high school but not affiliated with the Jesuits).  Each of the tutors in my classroom was assigned to one or two 1st graders who they worked with during each of the subjects listed above.  The tutors do most of the work; I am mainly there to provide lesson ideas for those who need it, help keep things organized/get supplies, and provide behavior management when needed.  Essentially, the teachers mentor the tutors who mentor the students.  

Summer LP, with the ultimate goal of reducing the amount of information students lose over summer break, also does activities such as water day (with giant, blow up water slides), a talent show, and a movie day.  I have really enjoyed being a part of such an amazing program (this blog post description does not do it justice) and supportive community (all of my coworkers are amazing!!), but being at Brophy was also tough to absorb sometimes.  Let me explain why.

St. Matt’s and Brophy are very, very different.  St. Matt’s serves primarily students living in poverty and, while Brophy does have programs to serve students in similar situations as my students (and sometimes our St. Matt’s kids do get to go here!), Brophy primarily serves students who come from very wealthy families.  As a result, Brophy is loaded.  Being a college preparatory school, they have their campus set up with multiple buildings.  They also have a beautiful pool for which they make their own chlorine, grass that is mostly green even though it has been triple digits for weeks, cafeteria options which go beyond your stereotypical hot lunch options (but also quickly add up in price), classrooms as nice as my university ones were, and more resources than I could ever imagine (as is shown by the number of retreats/immersion experiences happening each year).  Being in this environment has been a constant reminder of how unfair our educational system is set up, how a families income status can have a drastic impact on their child’s educational experience, and how forgotten students on the margins are.  

Where is the justice in some schools having enough money to make their own chlorine while others can’t afford to fully staff their school?  Where is the justice in some schools getting to have green grass in the blazing Arizona summers while some schools get nothing more than a parking lot?  Where is the justice in some students having to grow up knowing their address or their family’s paycheck are the only things stopping them from a better education?  Where is the justice in students with special needs not being able to have their needs met in so many private schools because the resources these students need aren’t typically provided?  Where is the justice in teachers having to choose between serving in a low income school and serving in a school that can actually give them a competitive wage and decent benefits.  And, where is the justice in students in low income schools having to deal with high teacher turnover as a result of this and so many other factors?  

I wish I had a quick fix to make this better.  I wish I had a way for all students to have access to schools with all of the resources they need and deserve.  But, I don’t....at least not yet.  I do know this though: there is no way I can, or will, just sit by and watch this.  My career has to, and will, involve taking steps to fight the injustices and inequalities within our educational system.  I’m not sure exactly what this will look like yet but, for the sake of all students out there, I need to fight for change.

[amandazfjv]

Border Immersion Day 3

*As part of my JVC experience, I participated in a three day border immersion trip.  Because there is so much to discuss, I will be writing three blog posts (one for each day) to share my experiences with you  This is part 3.*

For the final day of our border immersion trip, Casa Bart and Casa Nacho were once again participating together.  We needed to pull out of the driveway by 6:45 am to get to the parking lot where we would be meeting our guide for the day.  Pulling into the parking lot, one of the first things in our line of vision was a small shed.  Inside of this shed is supplies which include food, water, and migrant trails.  Before heading towards Nogales, AZ, but not to, water and food was loaded into our guide’s SUV.  We would all be carrying these supplies on the 7.5 mile (roundtrip) hike through the dessert we would be embarking on.  The goal of our water drop hike, done by multiple organizations on many different trails along the border, is to place food and water at the border to provide migrants crossing with nutrients and water to help them survive their dessert trek.

After a little over an hours drive down the interstate and a drive down a gravel driveway, we parked our cars in a shaded, wooded area.  In some ways, the scenery felt like a mix of a Wisconsin forest and the Arizona dessert.  Before going on our hike, we had to make room in our backpacks among our packed lunches and water for the food and water we needed to take to the border.  Once everyone had their bags filled, our guide once again reminded us if we are not peeing on this hike we are not drinking enough.  Then, we were off.  All and all the trail, which in a lot of parts was a river wash area, was not super hilly, but was long.  During the hike, there were a few things which really stuck out to me:

The clothes and food among the trail.  Sometimes, it was a stray jacket (thick enough to be a WI winter jacket) or a stray can of food (which was identical to the supplies we were carrying in our backpack.  One place stopped us in our tracks because there were so many items laying next to each other.  The spot was so full of food and clothes it was clear someone had stopped there to rest but, for some reason, left their items behind (including a nice pair of jeans).  Our guide informed us the amount of items at this spot most likely meant the person had been arrested by border patrol.  I couldn’t help but wonder about this person and what had happened to them.  Was this their first time crossing?  Had they hired a coyote who had then abandoned them in Mexico, once they got to the border, or once border patrol arrived?  Had they traveled alone or with others?  If with others, were they arrested to or did they get away?  Were they treated fairly by border patrol or were they now part of the growing statistics of people who’s rights are completely ignored?  Had they been hurt on their journey or by border patrol?  Had they been sent back to Mexico already or were they still in a detention center?  If deported, would they try to cross again?  If so, would they use this same path or a different one?  If deported, would they eat at the comedor, where we had just been two days ago?  What services would they need KBI to help them with if they do/did go there?

How ridiculous it is that people have to risk their lives in order to get to a safer place or a place where they can actually find a way to support themselves and their family.  

A barbed wire fence.  At the spot of the border where we sat and ate lunch is a simple barbed wire fence separating Mexico from the United States.  No markers label it; it’s just barbed wire, posts, and a bolder where the barbed wire fence couldn’t be built.  If I had been walking in the area by myself, I would have had probably assumed the fence was just separating one person’s land from another person’s.  

Along our walk, we did not see migrants or border patrol officers; both have happened to my guide before.  Our guide has also been doing the hike and come across migrants running from border patrol.  Once we arrived at the border placed the items along the fence, our guide yelled out to any possible migrants to say who we were and announce we had food and water for them.  Sometimes, migrants come out from the woods; on our hike no one did.  So, we ate our lunch and headed back towards our cars.  As we left, I couldn’t help but wonder if any migrants had been on the trail but hid once they heard our group coming and wonder how soon it would be before someone would find the supplies we left.  

Would the supplies be life saving for them?  Maybe, maybe not.  But, hopefully, the supplies would be a sign of hope for them; a message that, among the current political climate in the U.S., there are people here who do not hate them, who want to get to know them, and who see them as an individual with rights not a threat who needs to be gotten rid of.

[amandazfjv]

Border Immersion: Day 2

Border Immersion Day 2

*As part of my JVC experience, I participated in a three day border immersion trip.  Because there is so much to discuss, I will be writing three blog posts (one for each day) to share my experiences with you  This is part 2.*

Day two of our border immersion trip had Casa Bart and one member of Casa Nacho (Tucson House) on the road at 6:45 am driving to Nogales, AZ.  As you get closer to the border, not to far south of Tucson, the road signs start explaining distances in kilometers instead of miles and once you get into Nogales, AZ you can see the border wall dividing Nogales into two parts-Arizona and Mexico.  We met our guide, Julie, payed $5 to park our cars on the U.S. side of the border, and walked with Julie to the border.  Once at the border, it was a piece of cake to get through.  All we had to do was walk through a turnstile and head for the Kino Border Initiative (KBI) Comedor.  On the Mexico side, no one questioned our presence or asked to see documentation; we were greeted with a friendly good morning and were allowed to go on our way.  One of the first things I noticed as we walked to KBI was a vending machine that said one bottle of soda was 9 euros.

It took us less than 10 minutes to arrive at KBI.  Walking into KBI two things I immediately noticed were: 1) For some reason I was expecting the commodore to be larger. 2) The mural on the wall of Jesus as a migrant, wearing a backwards cap, surrounded by his 12 men and women disciples who are also migrants.  The comedor serves two meals a day to women and men who have recently been deported.  In order to enter, the guests show the greeter the piece of paper they are given when they are deported.  They then find a seat at one of the long tables, with women sitting at the table closest to the wall with the mural and men sitting at the other tables.  The guests sit and chat among themselves until the pre-meal routine starts.  The routine involves information about the different services the comedor provides (cell phone calls, changing the U.S. dollars into pesos-any money earned while in jail is given to people in american dollars even though they are being released in Mexico-, wound care, and a lawyer consultation, just to name a few); a light hearted activity to help the guests relax, smile, and have a little fun; and a prayer.  After this, the meal is served.  A few individuals load plates in the kitchen, pass them to a volunteer (this was my job at one meal), and then are passed to the head of a table to be passed down.  Plates are handed to the women’s table before being handed to the men’s tables.  Once everyone has been served, people walk around offering seconds to anyone who wants them.  Then, dessert!  After guests are done, they bring their dishes to the dish washing area and then socialize, leave, or take advantage of the services offered.  

After clean up from the morning meal was done, we all sat around a gentleman who wanted to share his story with us.  Andres had lived in the United States longer than I have been alive before being deported.  Do to a family emergency he returned to Mexico and, upon returning to the United States, he was arrested.  When telling his story, raw emotions appeared as Andres told us about how inhumane his treatment was when in jail, including multiple strip searches.  Within his story, there was also some familiarity; he was talking about Phoenix.  He had lived in Phoenix, stayed on the same campus Cailin works at, and attended church at St. Matthew a few times.  He had a life in the same place we all do but, because of where he was born, he is not welcome.  Hearing and reading the stories of people who have been deported always blows my mind because people who are undocumented are able to get special tax numbers so they still pay the government but yet could be sent back at any moment to a country they have not lived in for years, and may not even remember.

Our time with Andres was interrupted by a reminder we needed to be heading out to make our appointment at the KBI women’s shelter across the street.  After climbing up a few stairs, entering the building, and climbing some more, we entered a room where we met with four woman, three adults and one teenage, currently staying at the shelter.  All of these women had come to the border with hopes of crossing but now were unsure of what their next step would be.  It was clear they did not want to share a lot of their story with us, so after introductions and a small conversation, we walked to the neighboring room to purchase bracelets and earrings.  Women make these (only bright colors allowed) while staying at the shelter to help keep their mind off of their struggles and raise a little money.

From the Women’s Shelter, we walked through Nogales, Mexico for our lunch destination (where each person was able to eat a large meal for about $5).  When walking around Nogales, one of the first things which stuck out to me was the amount of pharmacies, dental businesses, and hair care places.  We were told a lot of people walk to the Mexican side of the border to take advantage of lower prices at these places and then head back home.  While walking around, it is also impossible to ignore the fact your white skin makes you stick out like a sore thumb, but not to many people made comments about out group of white people walking through their town.  Of everything we saw, there were three things which really stuck with me:

1) We stood on the opposite side of the fence where we had attended the mass on the border earlier in the year.  On the U.S. side of the border, you cannot just walk up to the fence because there is a bar blocking you from the parts of the walls which have space between bars.  On the Mexico side, you can walk right up to it.  For me, this was a very strong reminder of how it is the U.S. forcing people to be prisoners in their own country.    

    2) On the U.S. side of the border wall, no one is allowed to alter the wall in any way.  On the Mexico side, they might not be able to, but people still do and it is not covered up or taken away like it would be on the U.S. side.  As a result, a part of the wall is painted blue (with the idea if you walk down the alley far enough and look at the wall, it will blend in with the sky), a part is painted with candles, and a part has  wooden crosses set along the border in remembrance of those who have lost their life to immigration related issues.  

3) On part of the wall, there is a large windmill which fills the air with a beautiful sound but the reason it is there is connected to a gut wrenching story.  One day, a couple men shimmied up the fence and crossed over, but a border patrol officer saw them so they retreated and climbed back over the wall.  While this officer was trying to arrest these two individuals, a teenage boy was walking down below where the wall sits and across the street from it (where the windmill is placed, the wall goes up and down with the terrain of a hill so there is a significant amount of land underneath the wall).  The officer claims his life was in danger because of rocks being thrown up high and through a large wall with spaces so small a human can’t fit through so he needed to fire his gun an abnormal amount of times.  Angled down and away from where the windmill hangs is a picture of this teenage boy on a wall at the location where these bullets shot and killed him.  There have not been repercussions for this man who killed an innocent teenager as he was walking home from playing basketball.  There are a variety of excuses given for why this man has not been taken to trial yet, but one of the arguments is connected to the fact this teenage boy was killed in the limbo area that exists on each side of the border (60 ft each way I believe) and he was killed by someone on the opposite side of the border from where he was.  The exact details are hard to explain because they don’t make a lot of sense.  I can’t help but wonder how the story would have played out if the roles were reversed and a white teenager had been killed on the other side of the border by police officers on the Nogales, Mexico side of the border.

Once we were done wth our walking tour of downtown Nogales, we caught a bus (all the buses are refurbished U.S. school buses) back to the comedor in order to help serve the second meal of the day.  After this second meal, some of our group heard the story of another gentleman and some of us heard the story of a Jesuit Novice who was on his month long pilgrimage.  He was provided transportation to his starting point and then had $35 and a month to journey wherever he wanted to and find his way back to St. Paul, MN by the middle of May.  After these final conversations, we took a few pictures with people from the comedor and headed back towards Nogales, AZ.  Getting back to the U.S. side of the border was also very easy.  Julie prepped us by telling us we were to say we were on a border immersion trip through KBI and reminded us how most people were bringing bracelets and/or earrings back to the U.S.  We walked in, had our passports scanned (no stamps for this journey) and crossed back to the U.S.  Julie went first and explained how we were all with her so some of us did not even have to answer any questions as we crossed back and none of our bags were checked for items we might be bringing home.  Then, just like that we were back in the U.S.  On the drive back, the most we had to do is take a quick break to tell a check point officer everyone in the car is a U.S. citizen and we were coming from Nogales, Mexico.  Then, we were allowed to continue on our way back to Casa Nacho.

Of all of the days, this is the day I am still processing the most.  I am still wresting with the idea of a group of privileged white people being taken through Nogales, Mexico to hear a few stories and then head back to the comfort of their own homes.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe these experiences are extremely important and added a new component to my understanding when I arrived back at school to learn one of my kindergarten students and his mom are being deported and have until June to leave the country (his dad was deported this school year as well).  The thing I haven’t figured out is what I am going to do to make sure this trip wasn’t just an experience for me and leads to action.  It isn’t fair people have to choose between living in a counry full of violence and no job opportunities, staying away from their family, and/or staying in an area when the drug cartel is threatening to harm them or their family if they do not help them all because of a border we have created.  I don’t know what I am going to do to make sure I use what I have learned to take action, but hopefully this blog post series is a good first step.  

[amandazfjv]

Border Immersion Day 1

*As part of my JVC experience, I participated in a three day border immersion trip.  Because there is so much to discuss, I will be writing three blog posts (one for each day) to share my experiences with you  This is part 1.*

This was a lot of a day.  The morning came all to quickly since I was not ready for our silent retreat to come to an end.  To take advantage of the last moments of the retreat, I got up at 6 am to pack my things; do what I needed to check out of my room; and spend some time in my usual spot during retreat (a rocking chair) to read that days readings, reflect on my retreat experience, and reflect on what was to come.  After breakfast (which occurred in silence from 8 am-9 am), silence was broke for us to debrief the retreat as a group (4 JV communities were in Tucson for this retreat).  By 10:30 am, while the other communities hung around the retreat center until after lunch, it was time for the two Arizona communities to hit the road to start our border immersion trip.  

It didn’t take long for all of the noise of the world to get on my nerves.  I knew the transition from silent back into the world wouldn’t be the easiest for me, but I didn’t know I would become so sensitive to the noise that each car driving past us as we walked around Tucson would sound different.  Once at the diocese, where the walls of the building at least blocked out some of the external noise of the world, we learned about a court program we were going to witness in the afternoon called Operation Streamline.  This program was created in response to high numbers of immigrants being arrested and deported.  Those who qualify for Operation Streamline are being charged with a misdemeanor charge of illegal entry and a felony charge of reentry.  Instead of being charged with the felony and making five court appearances as part of the trial process, all of the defendants (as a result of a 30 minute meeting-if they are lucky, usually less-with a lawyer) have agreed to plead guilty to the misdemeanor charge in order to have their felony charge waved and are only seen in court once.  Then, in the afternoon, they are seen by a judge.   A prosecutor who stayed around after court to talk with us/answer our questions, along with the judge and two court marshals, explained how those who qualify for Operation Streamline can vary depending on how many arrests have been made and how many guilty charges they feel they can obtain if they send people through the entire process of being charged with a felony; there are no clear cut guidelines for who will be sent to Operation Streamline and who will have no choice but to go through the full process of being charged with a felony.  Those who are chosen for Operation Streamline, if they plead guilty, will face 30 days to 6 months in jail before being deported.    

After learning about Operation Streamline, a little history about immigration law, trends in arrests/deportations, and eating lunch at the diocese, it was time to make the walk down the street to ensure we were at the court house in time to make it through security before the 1:30 pm start time.  Going through security was just like going through it at the airport (except we got to keep our shoes on).  We had to show our IDs, take off anything metal, and walk through a metal detector before being allowed in.  Once upstairs, we had to wait outside the courtroom for someone to let us in.  When we were allowed to enter, we were told to make sure our phones were turned completely off and then were told exactly where to sit.  As we walked through the door, it was obvious we were the only ones there to see this hearing; everyone else appeared to be connected to the courthouse somehow.  We quickly sat down to witness the hearing, which had already started.  The judge was speaking to the 14 defendants (a low number compared to the maximum 75 who are allowed to be seen in one day) who were already sitting down.  After the judge’s introductory words, which involved him talking to the defendants and the lawyers, the first seven defendants were called up and their lawyers stood behind them.  Before the defendants stood up, it was clear there was a translator speaking into a microphone, but I could not tell where the microphone was going to.  Once the defendants stood up, I saw they had headphones in (the type which wrap under your chin) so they could hear what was being translated from English to Spanish.  The next thing I realized is these headphones were probably not put in by the defendants themselves because each defendant was in shackles with their feet chained together and then their hands chained to their feet so they could not raise them.  This meant they could not raise their hands to do movements many often take for granted such as adjust their headphones or scratch an itch.  This also meant, instead of the defendant being able to, a lawyer had to take the headphones on and off their client if they had something to say to them.  Keep in mind, one of the reasons these individuals were sent through Operation Streamline was because they aren’t a threat to anyone’s safety; outside of the reentry charge, they have had no major charges against them and don’t have a lot of smaller charges either.  It doesn’t matter how clean their record is, or the fact they are just as human as you and me, they are still chained up as if they pose a major threat to those of us in the courtroom.  

With the seven defendants standing up by microphones, facing the judge with their backs towards us, the judge went down the line one by one asking them all the same questions, some of which included questions about when and where they crossed into the United States.  The final question asked by each defendant was how they pled.  Once the defendant pled guilty, the judge gave them their sentence and moved onto the next person to repeat the process.  Once he had talked with the first seven people, he gave the lawyers a chance to speak before the first set of defendants were escorted out and the next seven came up.  As I listened to the results, it was clear the signs that not every defendant truly understood this process did not matter.  For example, when one defendant pleaded not guilty, he was allowed to quickly change his plea to guilty and then the judge moved on as if nothing had happened and when a lawyer pointed out the date it was said their client crossed (which their client agreed to) was incorrect (they had crossed in February, not in April like the judge had asked) a verbal note, and maybe a written one, was made and the judge moved on.  After all of the defendants had been taken out of the court room and the judge was talking to us, he had no solid explanation as to how he determines if the defendant is understanding what they are being asked and what they are agreeing to and no solid answer to what he would do if he believed they did not truly understand the court process or what they were agreeing to.

In total, we were in the court room for about 50 minutes.  About 25 minutes was spent watching the court proceedings and the other 25 minutes was spent talking with the judge and prosecutor.  So, in 25 minutes, 14 people (13 men, 1 woman; 13 people who had crossed the border in the last week and 1 who had crossed in February) were processed through the court system.  Remember, if a defendant is taken through the full trial process, they are seen in court five times.  Fourteen individuals times 5 trials per person means 70 court appearances were represented in one 25 minute trail.  During the trials where 75 people have been present, 375 court appearances are represented in one trial.  The judge we met said he breaks larger trials into shifts, and it can take a couple hours to get through everyone, but there are some judges who take pride in getting done with everything as fast as possible.

After learning all of this new information and witnessing the Operation Streamline process, we met with a couple JVC Program Coordinators to process the experience.  Day 1 of our border immersion trip was just the beginning of seeing the ways the system is designed to dehumanized people.  It is hard to truly explain what it is like to sit through an Operation Streamline hearing and to hear 14 people plead guilty for trying to make a better, safer life for themselves and their families (I imagine I would make the same choice they did to cross if I was in their shoes) and to think about how my kids are so closely affected by this and some of them may have had relatives stand in the very courthouse we sat it but, I can tell you this: it involves utter disgust for the horrible ways people are being treated.  As I went to bed that night, knowing I would be crossing the border myself in the morning, I could only imagine the stories I was going to hear from the people I would meet who had been recently deported.

[amandazfjv]

Dear God

Hey Abba,

We need a little bit of help down here.  Somehow, Adam and Eve eating a piece of fruit has escalated to nations carelessly attacking each other.  Somehow, between the beginning of time and now, we have decided violence is the answer to solving problems and disagreements, even if it means innocent blood is going to be shed.  I don’t understand why we have created these invisible country lines to divide ourselves up instead of sharing our space and resources with others.  I don’t understand why some countries seem to be forgetting the importance of taking care of each other, even if their story is a little different than ours.  Heck, the U.S. has caused a lot of the destruction which is causing people to have no choice but to move to America and yet there are people who don’t understand why it is our responsibility to help them get back on their feet.  Abba, I am only one person, but I want to do everything I can to fight this mindset and to teach my students to love as you have called us to love.  Whatever this might look like, please help me to see the direction you are asking me to go and to never turn away from an opportunity to be there for others in the same way you have always been there for me.  I know I have failed you in the past, but I promise to try and do better.  I give each moment of each day to you to use as you desire to get this world back to what it was meant to be, a place where all are welcomed, all are loved, and all are taken care of.

Until next time,

Amanda

[amandazfjv]

Dear Leaders of the World

The following letter was written as a way to process the recent events in the news.  This is by no means meant to be an attack against those serving our country (I have the upmost respect for each and every one of you) but is meant as a reflection on the struggles that come with societies contradictory messages.

Dear leaders of the world,

On Tuesday, I opened my news app to see Syria had been bombed by my home country.  I read the article to read about how the leaders of my country decided the only response to violence was more violence and took a moment to pray for all of those affected by this violence.  The innocent moms, dads, sons, daughters, wives, and husbands who’s lives were changed forever (and, for some, ended) as a result of a leader in another country deciding they had the authority to destroy their homes, their lives, and their country.  As I continue to pray for all of those affected by this event, I will also pray for those who ordered the bombing and those who were a part of the attack.  I will pray that they come to see what their actions have resulted in and then immediately realize God loves them just as much as he loves the people affected by war.

The timing of this news was interesting.  You see, on this same day my students attended an all school assembly.  During this assembly, a member of the Harlem Globetrotters taught my students about the ABC’s of bullying.  In his presentation, he told our students to stand up with action, bravery, and compassion when they see someone getting teased or bullied.  He didn’t tell them to fight back, yell, call names, or get violent; he told them to call to stand up to the bully, to be there for the person being bullied, and to ask for help working this problem out if needed.  

As a physical education teacher, one of my main jobs is to teach students this same message, and to teach good sportsmanship, so students understand the importance of respecting themselves and others.  But, leaders of the world, how do I convince my students how to love themselves, and others, if all they see on the news is attack after attack being done by leaders from all around the world?  Why should they practice what was taught at the assembly when the news is teaching them they better be prepared to fight because no one, including the innocent, is safe when trying to fight terrorism? How do I teach them nonviolent methods are the best ways, and there are serious legal consequences connecting to living a violent lifestyle, when people across the country get paid to kill innocent individuals?  

How do I teach my students bullying is not the right thing to do when countries all across the world, including the one they currently live in, are bullying less powerful countries? 

My kids already have to fight for their lives every day.  Many of them come from violent neighborhoods, and homes, and every teacher in our school is trying to teach them their is another way, a more peaceful way.  But, leaders of the world, how can we teach this message if they (and their families) have to be constantly on guard because, citizen or not, their country is full of people who are going to assume they don’t belong here?  

Dear leaders of the world, before you order your next attack, consider who it is affecting.  Consider the innocent lives which will be changed forever, consider the lives which will be lost, consider the danger it is opening your country to, and consider the message you are sending to the future teachers, doctors, military personal, and leaders of this world.  What type of message do you want future generations to be taught to live out, one of violence or one of peace?

Sincerely,

A concerned teacher

[amandazfjv]

Phoenix, I’m begging you, please give drink to the thirsty.

Every Friday is a half day.  This combined with Sarah being out of town with her family, Chris being out and about with his mom, and everyone else still being at work left me with a rare moment where I had the house to myself.  I don’t really watch tv, but for some reason I decided to see what was on in the hour before the evening’s March Madness games started and found myself watching the local news.  Among updates about the record heat Phoenix is having and local St. Patrick’s Day events was a piece covering some of the preparation taking place for the NCAA Final Four tournament coming to Glendale (just down the road from Phoenix).  Specifically, they were talking about the extra water tests taking place to account for the surge of people who will be using, and drinking, the water during the tournament.  Test after test after test is being done to ensure the water is fine for the teams, and fans, coming to Arizona in a couple of weeks.  

This news clip immediately caused me to want to chuck our tv out the window.  Why in the world would a clip on making sure Phoenix’s water is safe make me so angry, especially when one of the Corpal Works of Mercy is giving drink to the thirsty?  You see, 15.0 miles away (according to Google Maps) from the stadium where the Final Four will take place, is St. Matthew Catholic school.  This school sits in a neighborhood inside of what is called “The Zone.”  The Zone is one of the parts of Phoenix where there is higher crime rates and a larger population of people living in poverty or experiencing homelessness.  Inside of this school (and possibly this neighborhood), clean water is not a guarantee.  Heck, having access to water at all when at home is not a guarantee (some families at our school have limited, or no access, to water at their house).  More than once this year, the announcement has come over the intercom saying not to drink out of the water fountains until further notice (the picture above is form one of those days).  This means, if it is a P.E. day, I spend the entire time telling my students they cannot get a drink even though they have just spent an entire class period being active.  Just this week, even though the announcement was never made, it was clear the water wasn’t at a super high quality because students were complaining about the taste of it and were asking why the water coming out of the fountains what white.  In these situations, I don’t know what is worse, the fact the water being bad at school most likely means it is bad at their homes as well or the fact the city doesn’t seem to have the water my students, and their families, use and drink at as high of a priority as the water being prepared for the upcoming tournament.  For example, the first time we arrived at school to find the water a different color, we didn’t find out it was unsafe from the city, we found out it was unsafe to drink from a connection one of the teachers at school has.

In these situations, what are you supposed to do?  Teachers often share their clean water with students, plastic water bottles are purchased, and students are allowed to use the teacher cooler.  But, when this goes on for multiple days in a row, these resources only go so far as well before water bottles become empty and the teacher cooler runs out, especially with 220 students plus teachers and staff needing clean drinking water.  Now that it is hot again in Phoenix, if the announcement to not drink the water comes over the intercom (I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t again this year), I imagine the situation will get even harder to manage. Students will probably actually start to complain (our kids rarely complain about anything), and I will have to rethink my P.E. lessons if the kids don’t have clean water to rehydrate with.  But, no matter how much the staff at St. Matt’s does to give the kids clean drinking water at school, what are they, and their families, supposed to do at home, especially now that it is getting hot?  

I think every teacher has moments throughout their entire career where they feel helpless.  It might be because a student just isn’t grasping the lesson, but often times (based on the stories I have heard) this feeling of helplessness comes, at least somewhat, from the frustrations which come from not being able to give students the education they deserve because of budget cuts, limited resources, and such high focuses on standardized tests instead of actual learning.  In the “specialty” world, there is also the stress which comes from teaching a subject not respected in the same way “core” subjects are.  For example, P.E. is often seen as recess and so many teachers don’t think twice about keeping kids from P.E. as a punishment for not doing their homework or behavior issues which occurred in the classroom.  It’s not right, but the reality is these are all stresses teachers sign up for when declaring their teaching major and, if attending a strong university, professors will help these future teachers prepare to handle these stressors and challenges.  But, how does anyone prepare you to teach in a school that people just don’t care about?

As I sat on the couch seething with anger, yelling at the tv, and daydreaming about what my letter of complaint would say on how I wish I had the power to fine the city for forgetting about my kids, underneath there was a different kind of helplessness fueling this flame.  You see my school, and the parish connected to it, is considered the short straw of schools/churches in the diocese.  St. Matthew has a history of serving the poor, and will probably always continue to do so, but for some reasons this means it gets left out of the group.  When there is a severe police incident at the gas station across the street during school hours, no one thinks to tell us to be on guard.  When a staff member passes away, the principal (the teacher’s wife), leaves and a classroom teacher resigns (all in a couple of weeks), crisis councilors are sent for a day and a couple of supportive e-mails are sent, but we are left to fend for ourselves to fill the positions for the rest of the year.  When the water is unsafe to drink, there is no one who thinks to tell the school and there never seems to be a rush to fix it.  There also seems to be no rush to figure out how to stop this from happening.  Yet, when a few basketball teams come to town, all hand are on deck to make sure the water is going to be ready.  I can’t help but wonder how the city’s response would be different if these things were happening at a rich school full of white kids.  Now, the answer to that questions is a news piece I would like to see.  

[amandazfjv]

If you ask me what you are to do in order to be perfect, I say, first- Do not lie in bed beyond the due time of rising; give your first thoughts to God; make a good visit to the Blessed Sacrament; say the Angelus devoutly; eat and drink to God’s glory; say the Rosary well; be recollected; keep out bad thoughts; make your evening meditation well; examine yourself daily; go to bed in good time, and you are already perfect.

John Henry Newman

[amandazfjv]

The Four JVC Pillars: Spirituality

Note: As the West Coast JVC ReOrientation approaches (actually, it happened already) at the end of January, I will be reflecting on each of the four JVC Pillars, what they mean to me, and how they have impacted my experience so far.  This is the second of four (maybe 5) reflections.  

One of my favorite things to do, at least when it’s not 100 degrees everyday, is head to the track across the street for a workout.  If I am doing this, it means I have managed to find some time for self care to be active, listen to music or a podcast, and enjoy the nice weather.  It is in these moments where I often, unexpectedly, find God.  On the track, there are always a wide range of abilities and ages represented.  There are parents there with their children, individuals of all abilities, and groups working out together (one group I think is from a local boxing gym).  If my timing was right when the sun was setting before 6 pm, my workout would often end as the sun was setting behind the mountains.  As I am working out, I often find myself thinking about how, even though there are so many backgrounds and abilities represented, a common desire to better ourselves has brought us together to this one location.  We never say anything to each other; at most we look at each other as our paths cross or as we try to figure out how so many people are going to use the stairs on the bleachers, but yet we are spending time together.  It is these same set of circumstances that bring so many people together each Sunday.  Those of us sitting in the pews come together from a variety of backgrounds, all have different reasons for being there, and are all at different points in our faith journey and relationship with God.  We aren’t all going to talk to each other, but we are still spending time together.  Seeing parents teaching their kids to be healthy and seeing people who aren’t letting their age stop them from being active always inspires me in the same way seeing parents bringing their children to mass and seeing how many people volunteer their time to make the mass possible does.  If people with kids can find time to be active, than I should definitely be able to, even if I am living in intentional community.  If people raising kids and people who feel like their life falling apart can make time for personal prayer, than I should definitely be able to, even if I am living in intentional community.  The most important thing these people might be teaching me is this: the love these people have for themselves, their children, and God are reminders to me about the love God has for me and the people I interact with everyday.    

These moments on the track and at mass are little, but important, and I don’t know if I would notice them, at least as often, if I hadn’t discovered Ignatian Spirituality in college.  When I was first learning about Ignatian Spirituality, I remember immediately feeling connected to everything I was learning about.  The key parts to Ignatian Spirituality either lined up with desires I already had or finally formed words to desires I already had, but hadn’t figured out how to explain yet.  The ideas of God in all things, Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam (AMDG-for the greater glory of God), Magis, Contemplatives in Action, Men and Women for Others, the Spiritual Exercises, and the Ignatian Discernment process were all things I was drawn to right away.  During my JV year, I have been fortunate enough to be a part of a Jesuit parish and to have one of the priests of this parish be willing to be my spiritual director.  Both of these resources, as well as several online and book resources, have all combined to help me continue to develop this spirituality, which I have taken on as my own since the moment I first discovered it.  Thanks to Ignatian Spirituality, I have gone from a place where God was a distant person who cared more about what I did than who I became to my Abba who walks with me every step of the day, even when I fall asleep while praying the night before or, worse, don’t even try to do my examen before going to bed.  In this growth, God has also become someone who is more present in the small moments than I ever noticed before.  I now strive more to see Him more in these little everyday moments than in mountain top moments.  Thanks to this growth, my relationship with the Eucharist has also changed to where what the Catholic church teaches actually makes sense to me.  This realization has drastically impacted, in an extremely good way, the way I experience mass.

Even if the Jesuits won’t let me in, I am grateful for the spirituality St. Ignatius of Loyola developed/taught and for the way it is written in a way to be used by anyone (even those who do not believe in God can easily take several of the key Ignatian Spirituality ideas and discernment processes and adjust them to meet their needs).  As I continue with my JV year, my goal is to take a break from intensely reading about Ignatian Spirituality and really focus on living out the values I have been studying over the last few years.  What this will look like, only time will tell, but I am extremely thankful for the support system I have around me to help me figure it out, including the people I encounter on the track for the little reminders of how God loves us and about how we are called to love ourselves and love others.