rehab... a new life

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September 4th 2022

September 4, 2022,

which equals out to be 153 days clean and sober. We (Steven and I) rode in my mother's Ford Edge for approximately 3.5 hours. My mom put aside everything in her life to cater to us.

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truly, madly, deeply

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He Quit on Me

Last night, Larry finally answered his phone on the absolute last ring.  He rudely asked me what I wanted. Then continued on muttering something about being busy just before hanging up.  His attitude wasn't surprising considering I already figured he'd spoken to Brooklyn.  And as Larry trusts Brooklyn and Brooklyn's fairytales of bullshit and lies, I was DOA before I even knew it.  As for me, it isn't a trust issue, which he doesn't have for me either, it is a Puerto Rican pride / respect thing.   Perception is reality.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether or not I am guilty.  The appearance, or a story with no pictures or video, is good enough.  In his eyes, I've betrayed him (again), and I don't love him. 

So, after hanging up on me, he sends this four page text message apologizing for failing to give me hope.. that he'll never find another woman as perfect as me.. blah, blah, blah. NOW, PAUSE FOR THE TRANSITION.... He also said, "I just can't fall any deeper in love with you." His words.

Rico was his name on the street.  On the street, he sold dope and managed bitches.  I met him, fell in love (his charm was irresistible), hustled together, and made good money.  But, Rico was a motherfucker.  As a result, I became all too familiar to second, third, forth place; silence; the after-thought, side-note, or secret.  Also, if I am honest, I have to admit that I definitely acted the part too.  How he treated me and how I accepted it both grew worse and worse.

Away from the street, Rico is actually Larry.  Larry works 80 plus hours a week, has a car and insurance, is drug-free, has money, etc.  He has completely changed - decisions, actions, perspective, outlook.  I fell in love all over again.  And although I've struggled leaving and staying away from the streets, I allowed myself to dream (first time in a while) of a future with Larry as a normal couple.  I actually fucking fell for it. Dumb bitch.

Her name is Megan.  I've never seen or met her, but because I know his type, I can imagine.  Megan is why Larry/Rico can't fall any further in love with me.  Megan is why he was so quick to let me go and move on.  Megan is probably the complete opposite of me.

I haven't cried.

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I had planned to write after my latest heartbreak, then I heard this song, and there is nothing left to say.

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Something so simple... Becomes all fucked up and complicated.

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I was broken down bad when you said you would help

Red Roses by Lol Skies

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NoWhere Left to Turn

For so long, we may not have really liked one another, but never, ever would we have turned on each other. Always, it was us versus them (police). Never was that brought into question.

But beginning around the time Regina was arrested, everyone began talking about everyone else. The fakeness, bullshit, etc began to build. The same two people that were kicking it that morning were enemies that night... And the worst part was that absolutely nothing had happened. The only difference is that someone else said something or told some story. The saddest part is that those words were taken as truth without second thought or fact checking. Best friendships were destroyed, almost like they had never existed. Caution, fear, and ignorance controlled everything.

So, now, six months later, I found myself questioning my relationships with the two closest to me: Adam and Regina. Part of me was hesitant and felt stupid for even having the thought. My relationship with each had been tested again and again.

Adam is still and will always be my ace boon coon. Period.

Regina, however, after having found herself stuck between a rock and a hard place, has to stick to her guns, I suppose. Once you tell someone you will "never lie" to them, if you do, where can you go from there?

Before Terry got out of jail, I remember thinking how much it'll suck when he does because he felt he couldn't trust anyone before. Upon his release, one can hardly trust themselves.

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Something has gotta give...

So, he's been great. No telling. No intimidating. Hugging. Kissing. Cuddling. Holding. It's beautiful...

... And as no surprise, there's a but... Of course there's a but... He isn't bringing anything in. No money. It all falls on me. Today was the first day in months that I wasn't able to pay my rent. I had to borrow the money.

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It's the same people I allow to break my ❤ again & again.

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Sometimes, it’s as simple as a few pairs of socks…

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24 hours of sleep

It was about 11pm yesterday when I finally got the courage, rather desperation really, to come onto property and knock on his door. I got in! I was awake for maybe 5 minutes before falling asleep.

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A means to an end. And nothing more.

Knowledge is power.

Denial is dangerous.

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... and then someone comes from far, far left field and surprises the FUCK out of you...

... So much so that you reevaluate damn near everything you have ever thought about them.

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Self-imposed Purgatory

Growing up Catholic, I remember learning about purgatory in Sunday school as the place you go before you get to go to heaven. Now, I don't necessarily remember any specifics. I just remember the overall notion that if you get to purgatory, you will end up in heaven eventually. It is gonna take a bit longer, but nevertheless, heaven will still be the final destination. I have been in purgatory myself for a really long time. And most days, I dont feel like I am getting any closer to heaven.

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Going back back to Chicago

I had been the this train hundreds of times before. But always with some kind of anxiety. Years later, I sit here at peace. Calm. I still carry the scars, but they are different now. And I can feel it.