The book that change my life.
Saezuru is a story of two men beset by traumas that changed their perception of life, relationships and themselves. Yashiro a man abused as a child who exposed himself as a teenager and adult to more abuse to create a sense of control, making his way in the yakuza through violence and his intelligence to make money. Doumeki abused as a teenager (he has not processed that event yet) and then seeing his own father rape his younger sister, distorted the concept of what a sexual encounter is to the point of believing that everything is "abuse" and that wishing another is wrong.
Two men who have not known affection or happiness, fall in love in the middle of a violent, cruel, dangerous and ruthless world. Both try to protect and save themselves without the other's request.
Yashiro, between the duality of knowing that the only good thing that has happened to him in life has been Doumeki, but accepting that would be the destruction of the cage that cost him so much to do and that gives him security, and the doubts and questions that begin to haunt his mind: What would happen if Doumeki rejects him in the future? Or Doumeki ends up dying because of his reckless attitude? Yashiro, who has never been chosen by anyone, who thinks that he is not good enough to be next to someone as pure as Doumeki, who has a place to return to, decide walk away, avoiding facing that situation, at the cost of his own pain. Doumeki who wants to get rid of everything he is, does not want to return to the past and carries the guilt and pain, falls in love without hesitation, accepting all the good and bad of Yashiro, a love so great that it suffocates, he feels guilty for wanting Yashiro, he feels weak for not being able to resist that love and in the end, in his own innocence he did not know how to handle the situation losing the man he loved, even so, thanks to Yashiro's love, he is saved, reborn upon meeting him.
A story so real that it comes off the page to confront our own ghosts. A story so raw that it will make you cry, but also laugh and reflect.
Four years have passed and they meet again, one determined to get the other back and the other living in the past and the bitterness of having let go of what he most wanted to have. When they see each other, controlled by their emotions, they cannot avoid getting closer but their own insecurities and ignorance of their actions lead them to hurt each other with words, all this while a new quarrel is brewing between groups of the yakuza, the struggle for power and the honor.
I personally trust how Doumeki's character handles himself, in the midst of that halo of mystery and with that fixed position to save Yashiro from his self-destructive attitude and show him that he is worth all the joys and sorrows. Yashiro who finally faces his feelings, seeing that he does not need to protect anyone and that it is time to remove bar by bar to be able to take flight and free himself from his own chains. With no other choice, we are getting closer to the strong point of this story and its quick outcome that we may see in about two more years but that will undoubtedly keep us aware of this unconventional love story and that most people wish for the happiness of both, a happiness where they can be together and gradually heal each of their wounds, learning to love themselves in order to appreciate the love that others have to give them.
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