O C E A N S I D E

private practice multi-muse.

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON  MONTGOMERY.

                     that night, he went home and took a shower like usual, cooking dinner for himself, and getting a beer before opening his iPad and beginning his search for homes. he has the money —- but he has to find one with a spare bedroom, for the future with his daughter. he’s looking at beach houses in specific, always wanting to live on the beach in malibu && he’s telling himself that it’s got nothing to do with addison. he’s wanted this dream since he was just a resident, and morgan and himself had just gotten married. she’d protested when he said he was looking at houses on the beach, complaining that the smells and sand would make her job much harder, so he didn’t fight her. even then, their marriage was starting to fall, slowly. 

                     he goes to bed with a feeling in his stomach, tossing and turning before he’s finally asleep. he’s thinking about her; her hair, the curves on her body, the scent of her body in his nose; he’s dreaming about her. touching her, grinding against her, and going all the way with her. it’s what he’s wanted since the first kiss, he now realizes, and today had just given him all new material. reminding him of everything he’s fallen in love with. wanting her by his side, so he could give her everything she’s wanted. scratch so many itches and finally go all the way with each other. it’s what he’s wanted for so long. and when he wakes up, he’s rushing to the bathroom and splashing water over his face and getting the shower ready.

                     he’s buzzing all over the hospital that day, going from patient to patient. and in the mix, he sees her talking to charlotte king, meeting with patients, and signing off papers. hell, he even sees her scrubbing out, but decides to go elsewhere. she needs her space, he tells himself as he sees her, and goes the other way. and when he’s scrubbing out of his last surgery of the day, half-hoping he’d run into her, he looks up at the clock to see it’s nearing the end of the day. he has to sign off on papers, and then he’s off to the locker rooms to change and find out if he’s going out on a date night with los angeles’ most prestigious fetal surgeon. he’s at the nurse’s station, pen scribbling on paper and signing off with added notes and concerns about the patient, sighing as he feels like the day can’t end any slower. just show up, he thinks to himself, mentally slapping himself for thinking about this YET AGAIN.  so he writes off the paper, handing it to the nurse to file before he’s looking up at the clock one last time, before heading toward the locker rooms. here we go, he thought to himself.

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON  MONTGOMERY.

She’s slipping deeper and deeper the longer he’s standing there, looking into her eyes and saying exactly the right things. He’s pulling her in and she’s losing her resolve. Maybe he’s right. Maybe she’s being too uptight; too concerned with appearances and her already tattered relationship with Morgan. Maybe they really can do this. And he wants to. He wants to so badly. She can see it in his eyes; feel it in the way he’s caressing her skin with gentle strokes and soft kisses. And her heart is beginning to race in her ears as his lips explore her jawline, her eyes rolling back for just a moment. “Uh-hmmm” she hums, voice husky as it escapes her throat. She wants to know him, too. Every inch of him. But then he pulls away, and reality chills the air around her body in an instant.

She clears her throat, her cheeks flushed, and she’s embarrassed that she has so little control when he’s touching her. There are so many variables. The answer to his question is simple. “Of course I do.” The response required no thought. Her eyes search his yet again, and it’s hard to keep her resolve while his thumb brushes across her cheek, but she bites her lip and forces herself to be smart. “It’s just… I need time, Noah. You came into my life, and you flirted—-you made me love you, and you didn’t even tell me you were married. I thought you were gone, and now you’re here, and you’re alone, and—-” She shakes her head, taking a step back from him again. Her life is so complicated, and he’s only going to add to it.

“You can’t just ambush me like that. I need to think, and I can’t do that when you’re here, and you’re saying things, and touching me, and… I just need time to think. Please, give me time to think about it.”

                    he feels her start to slip away, slowly, and he knows that it’s SUDDEN —- hell, he didn’t even expect to run into here. it’s their safe place; the OR, the scrub room, and the hospital. but when he feels the space close, air thicken, her eyes staring into his, he isn’t sure what to feel. she needs space. hell, he had to admit that everything had been rushed. the divorce, the moving out of his house, and the way time flew when he felt like this. he hadn’t felt the same since the first time his lips connected with addison’s. he’d tried to snap himself out of the constant daze he was in, but he would always slip back into the never ending feeling. and he knew the feeling —- he felt it with morgan. but the feeling faded over time, with each and every fight. with the strained hours of his evolving career. eventually it’d just fallen apart, and when he found someone that understood everything ... he let himself connect.

                   ‘ i want to take you out. i want to spend TIME with you other than a scrub room or patient’s room. ‘  noah’s voice is soft, looking down into her eyes with the look of pure want. she’s a woman that has to be charmed; she’s addison forbes montgomery, a double board certified neonatal surgeon. she’s not someone to be won over with a wink, and he knows that. so hands slip to her waist, and he leans in close, almost as if to kiss, but he halts, looking into her eyes.  ‘ i’m giving you TIME TO THINK until tomorrow night, and then i’m gonna take you on a date. if, that’s alright with you, of course, ‘  he asks with lips lingering near hers, holding his small distance from her.  ‘ because i’m looking forward to getting to know you, addison. ‘

                    and with that, he opens the door to the hall, stepping out. if she wanted to say YES, she’d have to see him for details. if she wanted to say NO, she’d still have to see him because he knows that she’s JUST that type of girl. 

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON MONTGOMERY.

She doesn’t want to hear this. She doesn’t want him to justify their actions, explaining consequences away as if they don’t matter. They do matter. To her, they do. He steps closer and she counters with a step back, looking for more free space behind her. She knows he’s seen the vulnerability in her eye, and she’s looking away to avoid an encore presentation, but she can’t keep avoiding him. He’s there, and he’s saying exactly what she needs to hear. He’s perfect at that, and she hates him for it. She’s never realized her desire to do the right thing might just be the one thing that made their little affair real. Made him fall for her. Made him come back after months of trying to make it work with his wife and daughter.

She holds his gaze, albeit a little unwillingly. He surprises her with the sudden bout of emotion and honesty. The redhead is suddenly very aware of the fact that they still know so little about each other; questions how any of this could be real. Can anyone really fall in love that quickly? That deeply? She needs only to look to herself for the answer, because he’s right—-she is in love with him. Against all odds, against her better judgement, against her sanity, she loves him. Addison doesn’t know what to make of the feeling of her hands in his, but she doesn’t pull away from him. Doesn’t blink. Barely breathes. The pain is plainly visible in his eyes, and she wants nothing more than to take it away. Pulling a sympathetic face, she lets out the air she’s been holding in, squeezing his hands in hers and leaning in to kiss him again.

For the first time, it’s tender and thoughtful and brief, and then she pulls away slowly, breathing him in before she dares open her eyes to look up into his. Suddenly, she’s shy and her cheeks flush as she chuckles at herself, pressing her lips together to quell the sensation. “You don’t even know me,” she warns, cocking her head to the side slightly to feign sternness though her eyes are brimming with tears of relief. “And you might not like me once you do… Are you prepared for that?” She’s very serious now; still and quiet as she searches his expression. If she’s going to say yes to even one date, she needs to know he’s not building this up in his head to be some great romance. She needs to know he’s not delusional like she tends to be when things are new and exciting.

She can already see the end of things looming on the distant horizon, and if he can’t stomach that possibility, she knows she’s going to have to turn and leave.

                  the pain is so obvious in her eyes, how she’s fighting everything in her body that’s telling her to be with him. how she’s fighting him for the HAPPINESS that she so desperately needs, but can’t help but think it’s false. how could she think it’s false? to him, their relationship was like coming out from depths of water that’d suffocated him. he hadn’t exactly known when his marriage felt more like drowning than flying, but the first breath of fresh air —- their first KISS was just something that made himself feel alive again. it filled him with purpose and meaning, and not just surgery and fighting with his wife. she was his illusion, being an escape from his life. and when he finds himself at her house, nearing midnight, it’s because his is empty. morgan’s at the hospital and he’s ALONE, and she’s ALONE. and the desperate need to be with her drove him to her beach house. he’s finally catching his first breath of air, looking around and seeing no waves. calm sea ahead, and clear, sunny skies. 

                  losing touch with her had sent him back underwater, dragged down by the anchor that was his wife. but he’s back above the surface, gasping for air. begging for it. the kiss is soft, slow, unlike most of their kisses in the past. his hand leaves hers, brushing hair back and letting fingers touch her porcelain complexion, lips crashing onto one another’s with the sole intention of showing love. the dim room didn’t provide great light, but he still sees the beauty beaming from what is addison montgomery. and when she’s pulling away, it’s slow, unlike before. he lets her because he ALWAYS respects what she wants. he lets her have the command, making sure she’s comfortable and OKAY with everything. and as cerulean hues meet again, he smiles so plainly as she protests that they hardly know each other. it’s true; they hadn’t had the time to get to know one another, but they were drawn like goddamn MAGNETS and needed to be together. and he figures, with attraction like that, they HAVE to be good together. and the more he finds out about her, the deeper he falls in love. the more he gets that FLYING sensation back.

                 ‘ but i want to, ‘  he says with a soft, hushed tone, stroking that stray strand of hair that falls into her face, tucking it behind ears. he leans forward, kissing her jawline; making small, delicate pecks against smooth skin, inhaling her perfume that drew him to her like a bee to a flower. the realization that she’s feeling stage-fright hits; he’s brought her to realization that she could have this, and she’s SECURING everything in place to prepare for take off. the flying sensation is what he feels every time he’s even AROUND her, and he  n e e d s  to feel that way again.  ‘ i want to learn ALL about you, addison ... and i want you to get to know ME. ‘  he pulls away, looking into her doe eyes with a finger gliding across where he’d left kisses. thumb smoothing over where she’s blushing.   ‘ don’t you want to get to know me? ‘ 

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON MONTGOMERY.

Her head is spinning as she turns to leave, trying to slow herself down. To ignore the pull only he seems to have on her. To remove herself from the situation before she does something stupid and hasty. Then she feels his hand around her elbow, and she turns back to look at him, not even bothering to shake it free. How many times has she turned away and been left to leave? How many times has he given her the choice in the past without protest, because he understands that it’s not fair to ask her to commit adultery? But now there’s nothing to stand between them. Nothing as objectionable as that, at least, and so he finally steps up, just like she knew he would if the opportunity should arise, and she gives him the benefit of the doubt.

He’s right. He’s always right–about her desires, at least–and she curses him for it. She wants him. He was the one good thing in her life until reality came crashing down around her ears, and she hasn’t been happy since. Not really, but it’s so complicated, and she looks at him in bewilderment, hoping he can understand what she’s inevitably about to say, because he’s inevitably about to ask her why she’s so scared of this, and she knows she has to be honest this time. So she pauses, drawing in a deep breath and collecting herself, and she tells him.

“How can we do this, really?” Her eyes meet his again, searching the depths of his pleading expression with sorrow. “How am I supposed to live with myself after everything we’ve… what I almost… what I DID do? Nothing’s changed, Noah. Your divorce can’t erase what we did. It wasn’t adultery, but it was cheating. You cheated on your wife with me. Emotionally. Physically.” She lets out a terse bout of mirthless laughter, her hands thrown up in frustration. “Hell, if Morgan hadn’t gone into labor, it probably would have been more. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. I was the one thing I hate most when I was with you. Am I just supposed to forget that because you signed a legal document?” She’s searching his expression, hoping desperately that he understands her. He doesn’t know her history–why the label ‘adulteress’ is so sensitive to her–but she hopes beyond hope that he can understand that it is important to her.

He’s a reminder of the temptation she couldn’t resist. The test she’d failed. The reinforcement that ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ is an accurate statement, and she hates it. The mere admission of guilt–of intent to sleep with him that afternoon in his office–is a truth almost too heavy for her to bear. Add to that a newborn daughter that he’d have joint custody of… she’s barely thought that part through, but it’s more than enough to spook her.

                     he looks down into her eyes that seem to be so vulnerable right now, ready to cry or break down any second because so much has gone on. and he’s sure his eyes are filled with determination, want, sadness, lust, and a mix of several other emotions that are just adding to the cauldron of feelings that he’s going through at the moment. he wants to kiss her. he wants to pin her to the wall, and rip off her scrubs. he wants to slap her. he wants to let his hands roam her body. he wants her hands to roam his body. he wants to make her feel loved. he wants to make her feel what he’s been feeling for the past few months as she’d LEFT him with a marriage that she knew would crash and burn. a daughter that would be limited in his life because her daddy fell in love with the doctor. 

                    ‘ addison —- we’ve been doing this. that day in my office, we were so close —- SO fucking close that if morgan hadn’t gone in labor, we would have committed adultery. and we’d feel bad for a minute because of morgan, but it would FADE because we love each other and it’s just ... NATURAL. ‘  he breathes as he steps closer, lessening his grip on her. he’s waving his hand as he talks, shaking his head and making a squinted face. he’s so filled with emotion that he isn’t sure how to convey it, simply because he’s never had to display such emotion.  ‘ you know what’s funny about cheating? it takes two people to do it. and i chased YOU because you were the one that tried to get me to stop before i did anything stupid. ‘  he looks directly into azure hues, breathing heavy as his voice picks up, glad they were in a surgical suite.  ‘ you THINK you ruined my marriage, but i ruined my marriage. it was over before morgan got pregnant; she tried to put it back together, but i wasn’t there. and you want to know why? for the first time —- in a LONG time, i felt like something could actually work. i felt like something —- something that was full of passion && love, and that feeling that just felt RIGHT, with YOU, addison. and we still have that, addison! you can’t tell me that you could kiss me, or go on a date with me and have it mean NOTHING. i love you —- YOU love me. so why the hell are we doing this? ‘ 

                                          && he stops, breathing in and exhaling slowly, looking down before he lets go of her arm and moves his hands to hers, eyes filled with so many emotions.

                    ‘ i gave you an OPTION before —- you stayed. you wanted us to work. you thought of what we COULD be, and you WANTED it. nothing’s changed, except there’s nothing in the way of us now. i ruined my marriage —- not you. i wanted to love you. i wanted to be with you. now PLEASE —- ‘  he pauses, looking into her eyes with slight tears brewing in his own eyes from the sternness in his voice. tears of frustration.  ‘ don’t make me say i wanted us to work, too. ‘

[ambrcsios]

ELLIS SHEPHERD.

              ‘ well, if my aunt did the same thing you should know how that turns out. because i must be the same person. oh –– wait, i’m not high and i’m not MY FUCKING AUNT! ’ the younger shouted towards the woman before her. her whole existence had been spent being told how much she looks like her father. expecting her to be a surgeon like her parents. how everyone in her life apparently knew the best for her without even asking. when the conversation turned to how she would classify herself, eyes rolled around with annoyance. was this woman ever just going to stop? ‘ i would CLASSIFY myself as annoyed by you, as someone who thinks this is a fucking pointless joke, and not a goddamn ADDICT! ’

               ‘ go ahead. shout. deny. it’s all part of the process, ellis. and quite frankly, i’d be concerned if you weren’t exhibiting these signs. ‘  violet looks into the young woman’s eyes, knowing that she can’t get angry at the girl. she’s a patient, like everyone else. it’s not the worst she’s seen, and it’s not the best. so she flips through her files, sighing.  ‘ they never tell me what people use. what was it?  heroine? cocaine? —- OXY? ‘  violet looks up, as if she were never being yelled at. she uses a calm, collected voice before she does so, and keeps it.  ‘ we can talk as much as i’d like, and i know that at the end of the day, you’re going to be the one who decides if you want to keep this life of pushing people away. pushing family, friends, and colleagues away for a simple high. i can try to direct you in the correct position, but it’s up to you to believe that you can get yourself off of this. and i believe you can. if i didn’t, we wouldn’t be sitting here. ‘  violet clears her throat, taking a sip of the tea.  ‘ so — what was it? ‘

[ambrcsios]

PETE.

                               ‘ no, pete —- ‘

                and she’s looking out the window, knowing that when they get home it’s going to switch back to the same routine. the fighting. the constant bickering. the coldness. she can’t help but wish that there was some other way they could make things work, but dammit —— things WEREN’T working anymore. even with lucas growing up, and their jobs getting more intense. nothing was changing; nothing was WORKING. she wipes a tear from her eye, looking out the car window as they drive down the busy streets of los angeles and she looks over to him with saddened eyes.

                               ‘ i mean that i want a DIVORCE. ‘

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON MONTGOMERY. 

She can’t think when he’s standing this close to her. In fact, every time he’s managed to come into her personal space, she’s crumbled. And she’s enjoyed it. It was so wrong back then, but she didn’t have control. Not when it was his marriage on the line, and she was the other woman. The temptation that drew him away from his wife. But now he’s standing here, so close to her and with his wife completely out of the picture, and he loves her. More than anything, he wants her. He’s CHOOSING her, and she’s fighting it. God, why is she fighting it?

She’s losing her grip, looking back into his eyes as he speaks. Her breath comes in heavier bursts as he does what he does best–talks the sense back into her. Morgan is gone. Their marriage is over, and still, after months, he wants her. Loves her. Needs her. She’s leaning into him, her thigh bumps his knee, her lower back pressed against the sink, and suddenly she just can’t stop herself. Her hands grasp the sides of his face as he professes his love once again, her lips crashing into his to interrupt his sentence.

She dives in deep, her fingers pushing his scrub cap from his scalp so she can feel the bristle of his short, dark hair on her palms. For a moment, she’s lost, all shallow, open-mouthed breaths and roaming hands, but then her mind catches her up and she’s struggling. Pulling away, a pained expression on her beautiful features as she tries, and fails, not to keep kissing him several times, and then she’s finally pulling away, wiping her lips with the back of her hand and staring anywhere but at him. “I… I’m sorry.” She forces the words out. It’s too much. It’s all too much. “I can’t.” And with that, she turns, headed for the door.

               when her thigh touches his knee, he SWEARS that there’s electricity generated between them. and when her breathing becomes heavier, filled with anticipation and want, he feels his heart race —- and her lips are on his, kissing him  &&  he’s gripping the sides of her hips, pulling her to him as her hands explore his head, ripping off his scrub cap to reveal coffee-colored hair. he’s lost in her, grinding himself against her as their kiss INTENSIFIES, before he feels her do it —- she’s pulling away. she’s hesitating. and he knows that she’s reminding herself of the variables in his life; what’s prevented them from being together in the first place. the same VARIABLES that have no power in his life anymore. after months of loneliness, he’s felt this bliss for a few seconds, and she’s pushing herself away, stumbling back and heading for the door.

               and he’s going to let her go. but when he gets an instant memory jogger, of months of sleeping alone in his bed. months of lonely nights because any girl in a bar is NOT addison. any girl in this hospital is not addison, except for the neonatal surgeon herself. and if he wasn’t ever going to be with addison, he would still want the divorce with morgan. their marriage had sunk long before she arrived, and maybe THAT’S what ended up making him mindlessly flirt. all this —- it flashes through his mind, before he realizes that he let addison walk out last time. and it was MONTHS until he even saw her again. so it’s almost instinct when he grabs her arm, making sure it wasn’t TOO tight, but just enough to stop her so she couldn’t WALK AWAY this time. 

                             ‘ you can, ‘  he emphasizes as he looks into her oceanic hues with a look of determination and sadness all mixed into one. some would call it melancholy, but he isn’t sure if there’s even a word for it.  ‘ we’ve been taking things FAST. i get that. and if you’re willing to TRY this ... then we can start off slow, addison. we can give this a SHOT and you  k n o w  it.  you —- you WANT this, and don’t deny it. ‘  his tone is stern, and serious. he’s waited long enough —- and i can’t isn’t an answer that will satisfy him any more. if there was someone else, if there was something going on in her life, if there was just SOMETHING else preventing them, he wanted to know.  he pauses, but never loses grip of her hand.  ‘ tell me WHY you can’t. you’re not the other woman. and if we did date —- you’re not in the wrong. you’d be dating a SINGLE guy, who’s one hell of a catch in my opinion, ‘  he cracks a smile for a brief second before he’s back staring into her hues.  ‘ tell me WHY addison ... because i’m still in LOVE with you and falling out of it is going to be the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life, and i never want to do it. ‘ 

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON MONTGOMERY.

With distance, she feels safe. He’s still on the other side of the room, and she can block out the memories of him–the way he made her feel wanted when nobody else seemed to want anything to do with her. The innocent flirting that naturally progressed to genuine interest. The way he complimented her figure, her talent, with his words–with his HANDS. His lips. His chest against hers, breathing heavily in pure anticipation and desire. She’s never felt that way about someone before, and even now that she’s falling into Sam’s carefully constructed trap, she doesn’t feel that spark–that electricity that came with Noah and everything he’d been to her before she knew the ugly truth.

“Noah—-” she protests, looking away from him as he starts to speak. Her eyes burn holes in the floor as she tries to block out his words, but they’re still caressing her ears the way she’s only dreamed about these past few months. She glances up at him for a moment, knowing her face is once again betraying her, and he calls her on it. She is seeing someone. Sort of seeing someone. Okay, no, there’s nothing official yet, but the intent is there. And she’s already ready to throw it away at the mere sight of him, and she hates herself for it. Addison bites her lip as he comes closer, and the heat between them is already building. She can smell him now–those familiar surgical scents that came with their flirty greetings. She feels the heat of his skin when he just doesn’t stop his approach, and it makes her knees weak.

Instinctively, her hand reaches out, connecting squarely with the center of his chest and for a moment, she doesn’t know if it’s to pull him in or push him away. She wants him. After all of this time, through all of this turmoil, she still wants him so badly that it physically hurts when she touches him with every intention of restraint. “I, uh…” Her mouth feels dry and she drags her teeth over her bottom lip, clearing her throat and swallowing down nothing but nervous air. Squeezing her eyes shut, she forces the words out. “We can’t.” Finally, her oceanic hues meet his again, and she’s trembling with self-restraint. “You’re standing here and saying all these wonderful things, and… and a few months ago, I might have said yes, but,” She pauses, struggling to find words. Her hand is still burning an imprint in his chest. “I can’t. I can’t be that person.” It takes everything in her to pull her hand away, but she manages, turning her face to the side to avoid the proximity of his lips to hers. “I can’t.”

               she’s so eager to call it off, and move on to WHATEVER she has. he doesn’t know her history, but he’s willing to love her —- more than willing, and he WANTS to have her in his life. scooping her up on a bad day from her practice when he’s on break, bringing her a coffee or something sweet. surprising her with dinners, and date nights. and just from the physique of her body, he can already tell they’d be great workout partners. everyone needs a workout partner, right? and god, he already knows that they would connect so well. be so in SYNC that they doubt it’s even real. and is it awful that he wants her to meet his daughter? to be a part of her life, because he thinks she’s so GRACIOUS that she would be a great person to be in his daughter’s life? that’s how he knows this isn’t a fling —- a bump in his previous marriage, or some mid-life crisis. he pictures them in SO many scenarios, and he wants every one of them.

              ‘ you say that we CAN’T like you physically couldn’t, ‘  he says so softly that if someone were outside, listening to them, they wouldn’t be able to listen. the space between them is limited, and her hand on his chest —- he looks down at her palm that presses against his purple scrubs.  ‘ but the look in your eyes ... the way you’re talking ... and the way you’re holding me back as if you couldn’t TRUST yourself to have this conversation with me ... ‘  he can hardly even keep himself away, as there is nothing stopping them. he’s single; divorced. she’s  ( presumably )  single. and their chemistry is so fucking strong that he isn’t sure what is left keeping her away from him. feeling her hand pull away, cheek turning and looking away, he looks down at the tiled floor, screaming in his mind because they were  S O  close to doing this, that he’s had to hold off yet again. 

                             ‘ that night in the rain —- you and i, we ... that wasn’t nothing, addison, and you KNOW it. and when i told you that we could be together ... that, that we could be SOMETHING without morgan being in the way, you seemed thrilled to realize that. and i have offered to WALK AWAY but you pull me back in, and now i’m here. you’re not the other woman anymore —- the damage was done, addison! and everything ... all for nothing? i LOVE you, addison. i’ve BEEN in love with you. and you’re in love with me too, i know it, but i can’t figure out what’s stopping you now. ‘  &&  he’s taking steps closer to her, leaning in because GOD he needs to feel her lips against his like they were months before. and he doesn’t know if she’ll shove or if she’ll allow, but either way, he needs to KNOW.

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON MONTGOMERY.

She hits her intended target, pleased by his hesitation. With months of silence, she has to be sure he’s thinking things through–not simply jumping back in blindly. Before she’ll even entertain the idea of a conversation, let alone a relationship, she needs to be sure. He’s dragged her–albeit willingly–through dangerous territory before, and she’s not taking the bait a second time. She’s stronger than that. That much, she knows. Her eyebrows rise in surprise as he divulges the fact that he and his wife are no longer a couple. It shouldn’t shock her, but somehow it still does. Having children changes things, she knows, but it doesn’t fix things. Not everything, at least.

“Oh,” she responds, nodding and allowing her eyes to slowly regain focus on his face. “I’m sorry.” It’s sincere, as are most of her words on a daily basis. Gone is the vindictive tone she took with him mere moments before. Regardless of the circumstance, she knows just how cruel a divorce can be. In fact, she’s never seen an amicable split in her life. Not a real one, anyway. All the while, she’s pushing memories of him from her mind’s eye. She doesn’t want to reflect on the things they’d done or almost did. She doesn’t want to remember feeling so wanted. It will only make it harder not to fall back into his trap, and she’s determined to be strong.

His gratitude genuinely surprises her, and for a moment she simply stands there with the faintest hint of a smile on her lips, mouth slightly agape. Shaking her head slightly, her gaze drops to the floor in disbelief. “I… I was just doing my job.” And damn, had it been hard to do. She hesitates, weighing her options. Was it wise to accept an invitation from him? Her thoughts wandered back to her family, the saga that just kept taking one bizarre twist after another, and to Sam, who had silently supported her through it even though he couldn’t begin to understand how the Forbes Montgomery household worked. She shouldn’t say yes. “I’m… Noah, I don’t think it’s wise…”

                i was just doing my job, she says as she holds the medal for making sure his daughter was alive. noah owed her the WORLD —- he knows that, as a surgeon, and her talents had just made him more blindly in love. sure, the OR scrub rooms was flirting. it was harmless, innocent, even. he hadn’t even meant for things to happen, but when he saw addison as ... ADDISON, he could hardly recognize her. he couldn’t dare match such beauty to talent and tell himself that it actually existed, until he saw her. and then the drinks at the bar, where he was so blind —- OH SO blind that he couldn’t see what he was doing. how FAR he was falling in love. and when he hears who she is, his heart quite literally drops. and shaking her hand as if he hadn’t gotten the chance to meet such a woman, trying to play it off as FAKE in front of his  w i f e .  the constant lust that swirls in his stomach when she’s around, and when she’s not around, it all but disappears. 

                but he’s still feeling his love MONTHS after everything. after driving his wife home from the hospital with their newborn, and going to bed that night beside his wife. sleeping every night beside the woman who he’s betrayed; and most people would feel guilt  ( not that he didn’t  )  and teach themselves NOT to love the other woman, but here he is, stuck in the endless loop of addison. he goes to bed thinking of her, he wakes up thinking of her, and with the strain in his marriage, he’s had to take certain things into his own hands —- quite literally —- while thinking of her. and his wife KNOWS. that’s what made it all worse. when she’s asking what he wants for dinner, and he’s scrolling through something on his iPad mindlessly thinking about her, and he’s not answering, she KNOWS. when she asks him to collect the laundry, and he’s staring at the counter in the kitchen, she KNOWS. seeing his wife in bed, putting lotion on her body, wishing it was ADDISON in his bed rubbing lotion over her body, and he just stares at her blankly, she KNOWS. and he’s debated with himself, sneaking off one night —- claiming he’s going to put the baby back to sleep, but walk down those steps to the front door to get into his car. but a reaction is what’s scaring him. the last time he did, she shoved him away, slamming the door in his face, leaving him in the rain. 

                               ‘ —- i uh, i haven’t STOPPED thinking about you, addison. you’re all i think about. i haven’t been with anyone since morgan, and i can’t bring myself to be with anyone else. and i can understand if you’re with someone ELSE but ... judging by the look on your face, you’re not with anyone else. because you wouldn’t be giving me that look ... ‘  he pauses, closing space between them. she smells like antiseptic and surgery, but he doesn’t care.  ‘ you look like you’re just as lost as me. like you NEED someone, and there’s nothing in the way between us, now. not like  b e f o r e . ‘  and he’s close to her; closer than one would probably allow if they were just acquaintances, but he needs to KNOW.  ‘ so i’m asking —- coffee? dinner? movie? you name it —- i want it with you. ‘

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON MONTGOMERY.

Again, she’s struck with hesitation as he speaks. She’s analyzing every syllable as it falls from his lips, taking in every detail of his body language though she tries to keep it subtle. It’s been months since she’s seen him. Since she had to drop his wife as one of her patients. Since Morgan had approached her, asking point blank if the two were involved. Cheater, the words still echo in her memory; sinister and bitter in flavor, sending a sting through her veins. They’d never consummated their twisted little affair, but they’d cheated. He’d come on strong, and she’d been just vulnerable enough to take the bait. To fall for him. A married man.

Addison was convinced he’d moved to another hospital for all this time. Seeing him here now shakes her more than she’s prepared for–more than she’d dare admit. She gathers her composure beneath a blank facade, calculating exactly how long to remain silent before she speaks. She chooses her words with extreme care.

“I thought you’d left.” Her words are icy, her eyes dropping back to her hands as she finishes rinsing the acerbic suds from her wrists. She dries them with care, taking time with each finger. She withholds the warmth she’s so accustomed to with him. It’s been too long, the circumstances too close to a sin she swears she’ll never again commit. His compliment is ignored. It’s worthless to her, because where there’s Noah, there’s Morgan and baby Barnes. There’s a marriage. A family. It makes her sick that he’d even entertain the idea of a conversation.

“How’s Morgan? And the baby?”

                    he legitimately freezes in his spot when she asks about morgan, and his daughter. the only sounds in the room are the breaths they take, the water dripping from the faucet in the scrub sink, and suds DIMINISHING into nothing. he glances down, before looking back to her hues, feeling himself getting drawn back in all again. what was he supposed to say? if he did say he was divorced, she’d think it was because of her  ( and most of it WAS because of her )  and that’s why he was back at st. ambrose performing surgery. to see her. but in all honesty, he had thought that their specialties were unrelated for the most part, and she didn’t work at the hospital. she strolled in, and strolled out. and his job here was GOOD, and he didn’t want to give it up. he wasn’t afraid to run into her; in fact, a small portion of him WANTED to run into her. to see those blue eyes, red hair, and get one last scent of her perfume. he smiles FAINTLY —- he’s not exactly sure how to respond, but he figures he can’t keep quiet forever. 

                                       ‘ morgan’s good. she’s —- she’s good. we’re divorced now, ‘  he says before running hands under water, clearing off any remaining suds, trying to break the CRUSHING silence in the small room. he looks over to addison once more, eyes locking yet again.  ‘ we have split-custody. i see her every once in a while, but uh, ‘  he pauses for a second before smiling to himself.  ‘ she doesn’t want me around much so i don’t see her often. i’d rather have it that way anyway. ‘  he leans against the stainless steel, looking into the surgical suite. how was he supposed to tell her that she was still in his thoughts? he’d wake up, shower, go to work, save lives, scrub out  ( half expecting to see her )  and he’d be absolutely OBSESSED with her. and his divorce wasn’t even final, but that didn’t mean anything. he wanted to be with her, still. she was the biggest thrill since — since him and morgan had began seeing each other. no other woman had been attractive to him, except for the long legs, thick thighs, gorgeous chest, red hair and lips that had SCREAMED temptation. he kicks the floor lightly, wishing it was himself as the question presses against his lips.

                   ‘ i don’t think i ever properly THANKED you for what you did for me —- everything you did for me ... and morgan and my daughter, ‘  he looks back to addison.  ‘ if you’re FINISHING then maybe we could get a coffee if you have time? on me, of course. ‘  blue eyes stare into hers, BEGGING for any kind of attention from her. he’s been deprived from her presence for months, and it sounds insane but he wants her more now that he could be with her —- that same FANTASY they had, months ago, realizing they could be together. realizing they could be something more than sneaking around. he was single; and he practically prayed that she was too. and with the faucet making the only sound in the room again, he waits for the answer —- or the rejection that he’s feared for months. 

[ambrcsios]

CHARLOTTE KING.

snort. “i knew you only loved me for my drinks. fine, it’s a deal.” honestly, charlotte needs all the help she can get with the girls.

          ‘ it’s a MAJORITY of the reason why. ‘  violet snickers, feeling herself look forward to a good drink after work, professionally crafted by charlotte king.

[ambrcsios]

ELLIS SHEPHERD.

                 the sassy smile soon dropped quickly at the moment she said NO. did the woman before her really thing she could hold her against her will and make her stay in this cheep rom that looked like a home magazine threw up in it? ‘ i PICKED UP an addiction? ’ ellis mused with a small, pathetic laugh chipping through her less-than-happy expression. ‘ i picked it up when i went to wal-mart. it was on sale so i thought what the fuck, lets go for it! it looks fun! ’ she could not believe once the shit this woman before her was spilling out to her. ‘ oh, and now i am an addict in recovery? god, you sound like you listened to dr. phil’s audiobook on your way over, or is that were you got this stupid degree? a website that you give them $500 and two hours later you print off your own diploma? ’

                 she lays back, crossing her legs as she looks at the girl across from her. it was CLEAR that she had no want to be here, nor did she feel the need to be here. she was using humor and unfiltered words to deflect every word that came out of violet’s mouth. classic amelia, the therapist thought to herself.  ‘ you and I both know that you’re trying to deflect yourself off to me. and i know because your AUNT did the same thing when she was coming off of a high. ‘  violet says, writing a few words down on her notepad before looking back up to her. how was she going to tackle the situation, now?  ‘ what would you classify yourself as? addict, addict in recovery, addict in denial, or an addict in guilt? ‘  violet asks in a soft tone, eyes never leaving ellis’.

[ambrcsios]

ELLIS GREY.

           ‘ well, i can make it easer. my childhood sucked for the most part. my dad is dead. my mom puts her job before me, and my siblings are no help. so there. my whole life story in only five seconds. ’ cocking her bow towards the woman before her, blue eyes rolled. the only reason she had even come to la was because her mother thought it would be a good place to get away, and to, what her mother thought as secret kept from ellis, get help for her addiction. ‘ so, can i GO now?  ’

                    ‘ no, you can’t, ‘  she says calmly before setting her tea mug on the table beside her. it wasn’t the first time a patient had felt they needed to leave, or that they didn’t require therapy. but regardless, violet needed to find a path to the problem.  ‘ somewhere along the way you picked up an ADDICTION. have you accepted the fact that you are an addict in recovery? ‘  asking questions was the best way to figure a patient out, she thought in her head, hearing stories from addison about how WORRIED she was about her niece. determination circles her mind as she looks into ellis’ eyes, readjusting herself on her chair.

[ambrcsios]

ADDISON MONTGOMERY.

Her mind was swimming as she scrubbed furiously at her fingers, watching the   yellow   antiseptic  suds  build  up  and  billow  down   over   her   skin. Everything felt  backwards  in her life.  With the Captain and Bizzy and now Susan  making appearances,  Addison felt like she barely had solid ground to stand on. The only thing keeping her sane was the ritualistic motions her hands  performed  of  their  own volition.  But the  surgery  was  done.  The patient was in recovery. There was nothing else to do.  She drew in a tense breath,  held  it,  and  let it out as the door to the scrub room  swung  open and  closed.  She  was so distracted,  she didn’t even look  up.  She  didn’t have  to,  it  turned out,  because the sound of  his  voice made  her  heart skip a beat.

                                 Noah.

Addison froze, weighing her options. She could just walk out, but then she risked  being  followed.  A  loud conversation in  the  halls.  Rumors  flying through the hospital like wildfire. She’d had more than her fair share of that lately,  so instead she turned slowly to face him,  slack-jawed as her  eyes landed on his face.

     “—What are you doing here?”

                    the previous months had threw him for a wild ride. leaving in such a rush had left his head SPINNING, and he’s still trying to gain traction in his life, finally sending in divorce papers. after addison —- he’s left with a choice. continue his marriage, feel unhappy for 18 years with a child, or leave morgan, try to start over and get split-custody of their daughter. and when he made his decision, morgan wasn’t necessarily SURPRISED as much as she was dull. she’d put their daughter down for the night before coming to bed, and he’d had it on his mind all day. it wasn’t blurted out, but it wasn’t all too explained either. i want a divorce. that’s all it took, before she nodded, grabbing her things for the night to sleep in the guest bedroom. and like that —- he’s off, looking for a studio apartment to live in for the mean time.

                                       ‘ i’m scrubbing out of surgery. ‘  he says, running water over his forearms with suds falling into the stainless steel sink. he wants to blurt out so many things because that’s all his mind’s been doing for the previous few months. one thing after the other; VISIONS of her red hair, or the scent of her perfume. cleaning up lipstick marks from his lips because he kissed her so damn much that he forgot what it was like to kiss his WIFE. the FEELINGS of her hands on him; their contact that drove him wild, and left him with withdrawals. but what could he say to her? these months, he’s ran this through his head so many times JUST IN CASE he runs into her or god forbid gets put on a case with her. 

                    cerulean hues FREEZE as he catches contact with her oceanic toned ones. 

                                       ‘ did you want to TALK? it’s been so long and —- you look beautiful. ‘

[ambrcsios]

                  ‘ if you’re not still breast-feeding —- why don’t you make me some of your famous margaritas and i’ll help you with the triplets tonight? i think we deserve a girls’ night. ‘

                                                                                                                                           charlotte.

[ambrcsios]

                    ‘ did you know that yoplait made a new coconut-flavored yogurt? i’m PRETTY sure it tastes more like ice cream than anything —- but i don’t think that’s something to COMPLAIN about. ‘

                                                                                                                                              carter.

[ambrcsios]

ELLIS.

            ‘ FINE ’ eyes rolled as she sat on the couch across from violet. it was the idea of her aunt ( and addison ) as well as her mother to not only ship her to los angeles but to have her go to a SHRINK none the less. ‘ so is this when i spill out my horrible childhood and waste your tissues as the daddy-issues come to light? because if so i need to get my stories straight. ’

                     ‘ we can talk about ANYTHING you’d like. childhood, your father, your mother, your siblings, ‘  violet’s fingers curl around her tea in her hand, file open on her lap as she looks across to the couch.  ‘ i would be HAPPY to begin anywhere that’s most comfortable for you to start off with. ‘