its been months and i still don’t know what i did. nights like this i go in a downward spiral remembering everything i could have done better or everything i never did to please you and i end up scooping whats left of my restrain and i open up way too wide and i’m left with nothing but the unsettling feeling of the unknown. you were never just a friend, but a sister and role model to me. and not only that, but there are very few people in my life i have been close enough to to touch with them being on the other side of the world. soulmates aren’t lovers but two stars connected by the same kind of moon dust. too match has happened for me to hold a grudge - i’m just the typical cancer that the whole world has come to know.
i don’t know if you will ever read this, or if you will ever say anything about it. but i’m in a bad place right now and i have too many open wounds and the one that was left by my best friend is the one that stings the most. cheesy, i know. i always take the time to appreciate you when its too late. i always come to you when i’m sad and i always will have you as my first thought when I wake up on my birthday. and that’s just how life is. i’m never finished with someone i care about until i have closure.
i am not trying to woo you with my words and i’m not trying to get you to forgive me for whatever i have done. i don’t blame you. if you hate me, i don’t blame you. i’m always going to be sorry for being the worst person anyone has ever met. but this isn’t for pity, but its completely selfish. i miss creating and writing. i miss my best friend. and there are so many words and stories i have wanted to share but i’ve had no one to share them to. consider this a final goodbye.
this was my first 1x1 blog. amelia was inspired by jade thirlwall’s middle name - the same face that i chose to be the first girl that represented an ounce of me that felt real to me. this is where everything started, where our friendship started and i suppose its where it should end.
i want to share with you what i believe should be the end of our story.
AMELIA & HARRISON ASHER - Parents of 2
[unlike your ending, i will never accept harrison’s death or infinite confinement as the ending of the two characters that opened up my creativity and nitpicked my mind. what could have happened]
medication given to female inmates was severely traumatic to their reproductive organs - it was the only way that the institute can assure that any sexual occurrences that happened in the building will never lead to premature parenthood for patients. when pregnant and taking the medication, a female patient would haemorrhage and miscarry. months before they were set to be released (though they wouldn’t know then), amelia woke up to a pool of blood around her in bed. she didn’t wake up harrison - not wanting to worry him or further her portrayal of vulnerability. she went to the bathroom, cleaned up and proceeded to walk down the halls of the institute in immense pain, using cloths from the bathroom to stop from leaving a blood trail. harrison awoke in a bed of blood and no amelia in site, probably thinking she had been murdered right beside him in bed, he set out to look for her. when finding her in the infirmary, completely broken down with sunken cheeks and dry blood still on her, amelia explained everything to him. this was the rise and fall of their first baby.
it took weeks for amelia to be sexually vulnerable again, and even longer to completely process that she was on the edge of becoming a mother at the age of 20. and months passed - they were release. their first stop was a little diner a block away from the institute where they walked hand in hand, ate real food and just admired life. that diner became a sunday weekly tradition - even after the birth of their daughter. they got their big house - renewing it from head to toe. amelia got her dance studio and harrison got his kitchen where he spent most of his time calming anxiety with cooking. the drawings and plans they did for the house in the institute were framed and hung in the entrance of the house. they got married with a small gathering, just them and a few nurses from the institute that were routing for them this whole time.
they welcomed parenthood with open arms but decided one child was enough after amelia having difficulties during the pregnancy. their daughter never suffered any symptoms of mental illness. they remained madly and crazy in love.
CONNOR & STILES STILINSKI-SYKES - Parents of 2 cubs
connor and stiles were only 19 when paperwork went through and they owned the house across the street from stiles’ childhood home - the same house where connor & her parents would have stayed every summer and the house that brought them together. in the time before hand, connor had been able to finally adjust to being who she was and no longer saw her powers as any form of ability that should be hated. they were only 20 when harper lydia stilinski-sykes was born. it was difficult and tiring having just come out of school and rolled straight into being parents. but the pack were sure to look after the mama and cub. it was determined throughout the pregnancy that harper would possess werewolf abilities which explained why connor never saw a real doctor, why lydia was her midwife and why she gave birth in the back of stiles’ broken down jeep in the middle of no where without her midwife to be seen. stiles of course, was relief that his baby girl didn’t come out with fur and sharp teeth - in fact he was over the moon she was bald and had only gums.
they didn’t get married until their daughter was able to walk - but stiles had proposed only weeks after connor told him that she was pregnant. it was small and rather traditional, but their family was there with them. did i mention that they fixed everything with allison? her and stiles weren’t exactly the best of friends after everything was patched up, but it was okay.
though, what was an big old house without another unplanned baby? wolfe mccall stilinski-sykes was born when harper was 3. another cub without any fur - in fact, without possessing any werewolf abilities. i know, how ironic? but the happy family of 4 lived in beacon hills - and somehow the jeep managed to survive anything that was thrown at it.
ATHENA & TREVOR - Parents of 3
everything that we ever spoke about happened. trevor joined athena’s crew as a rookie for a few years, she was shot and in hospital claimed that her best friend and lover was her husband, they fucked everywhere, they were completely and utterly in love and struggled for almost a year to speak up about it. their wedding even went as we planned - running late to their own high-class wedding that athena’s parents paid for only to return home, undo her corset, get drunk and both fall asleep on the couch. not to mention, athena hated her hens night that was planned for her, ditched it and ended up sitting beside trevor and his friends at a strip club - only to get drunk and start working the pole themselves.
their first baby was very unexpected - they seemed to have been doing everything right. there was panic because their apartments were both too small so instead of getting a big house like our other ships, they just got a bigger apartment. their first baby was a boy. and their next two (twins) were boys as well. did athena complain? of course not. they were all her boys. and she always smirked when people would point out that they never saw either trevor or herself having any children - though they would point out that if it was inevitable that they weren’t surprised they’d end up having kids together.
ANDY & BRAD PIERCE - Parents of 1
everything. happened. we know our angels ended up having their rowan blanchard baby girl and that they were nothing but soulmates living in brads apartment who got married spontaneously where brad piggy backed andy all the way there and they stopped to get burgers on the way. brad got higher in his ranks and andy assisted him in making changes in the system at the prison. she pursued art and would never stop doodling brad in the margins when she attended college for a major in the arts - which was noted many times by her professors. they spent their life living and brad showed andy the world even though she saw him as her world. unlike the others, their baby wasn’t unplanned but expected. as she was growing up, their little girl would call brad “pierce” just as andy always would. andy never stole again because she was grateful for what she was given. always.
none of our ships ever stopped loving each other. never. and in my mind, they never died and never will.
amelia vs. the sleepless night, an unfinished verse.
Sometimes you’re just tired, and that basically was what Amelia was after she got out of the shower. She was sure to get dressed in the bathroom, shielding herself from Harrison because even though she should have been completely fine with having her naked body exposed to him, it wasn’t exactly something that was coming to her by nature, so she decided that it would be best to stay with something she was comfortable with. Since the first time she’d done so, Amelia had made wearing Harrison’s clothes a habit. Without even realizing she had picked up one of his shirts and one of his boxers on her way to the shower, it was only until she’d started getting dressed she realized who the items of clothing belonged to.
She hadn’t bother with a bra, instead just slipping his rather large sized shirt over her torso, then slipping his boxers up that acted like shorts for her short legs. She stood in front of the mirror for a few moments, slowly patting her hair dry as she looked emotionless at her reflection, with no expression.. No nothing. She felt like there was something missing, she didn’t know why. Something was just up with her and the longer she stared at herself the more she thought, to the point her head was starting to hurt.
She shook her head, shaking off the weird feeling she’d been getting before she threw her towel into the dirty clothes basket. She rubbed the back of her neck, staring at herself again for a few moments before she had to move her gaze away, quite literally having to rip it away as she walked out of the small bathroom, turning the light off behind her. It was dark in the room, Harrison had fallen asleep just as she decided she was going to get out and have a shower without him, needing a little bit of a time out.
It wasn’t that she didn’t want to be in his arms, because she wanted to be with him in every second of every day. But she broke out into a sweat and her heart was pumping too fast for her liking, so she had no choice but to get out before it got too much and she started to wake Harrison up from her tossing and turning. She was actually scared as hell. Why? Because those were mostly the symptoms she got before having delusions, the kind that would be really bad and she had no idea how to stop it from happening or what she should do.
She hadn’t had a delusion since the one she had the day she was sent to the institution, the one that was so severe that it got Amelia to the point of holding a nice to her mother. It was not like she had control over herself, she honestly didn’t. She didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t, and it was hard to tell when you were having an episode.
She didn’t know what to do, should she tell Harrison? No, she shouldn’t. All she would be doing is worrying him and she didn’t want to do that. Does she tell the nurses? No, she knew what they would do. They’d take her away from Harrison and freak him out if he wakes up. And she didn’t want to be left alone. In anything were to happen she needed Harrison with her. Whether it harmed her or not. What she was more afraid of was the fact that if she were to get into bed and crawl into Harrison, she might hurt him if she sunk into a delusion. She didn’t want to do that, she didn’t want to hurt anyone like she hurt her mum. Even if she just scratched Harrison she would feel bad. But maybe before it got really bad he would wake up and have a tight hold on her, being sure she doesn’t move and hurt herself. Maybe he could bring her back before it got bad, she was praying that he could.
Harrison was more than thankful when Wendy walked away and left them alone. He shook his head, “I’m fine,” He ran a hand through his unkempt hair and continued to shake his head, “We should stay,” If he hadn’t known Amelia wanted to take this class so badly, if he knew she hadn’t been looking forward to it since they were both cleared to take it, he would have said hell yes to the idea of ditching it. His agreement had been a reluctant one from the start and the whole situation just seemed to be going downhill rather quickly.
He pulled the hair tie from his pocket and pulled his hair back into a mini bun towards the back of his head. A haircut was something he’d been meaning to talk to his doctors about but hadn’t had the chance. It was longer than he liked to keep it at this point, although it would have been a lie to say that he didn’t kind of like the way it looked when he pulled it up.
After leaning over and placing a firm kiss on the top of Amelia’s head, he looked down at the utensils and ingredients on the table in front of them, “What’s first?”
Amelia couldn’t help but smile like an idiot when Harrison agreed in staying. She didn’t actually want to leave, she was dying to cook and have something good to eat - unless they burnt the food but she was going to try her best not to. She wanted it to be a positive experience, but she definitely wasn’t getting there at all quite yet. They just really needed to ignore and avoid Wendy at all costs. ‘This is why I love you.’ She chimed softly with a small smile.
‘You really need to get your hair cut, Tarzan.’ She teased softly, gently nudging her hip against his, more like the side of his thigh than anything. After following suit and tying her own hair up, Amelia was feeling better now that Wendy wasn’t hanging around them like a grey cloud.
‘Alright, first it says here to melt the chocolate and butter in a bowl over the stove sorta thing. That’s not too hard for you, is it?’ She inquired, winking at him before she moved and grabbed a pot, filling it with water. ‘Do you want me to talk you through this since the teacher doesn’t seem to be doing that well of a job?’
He was too frustrated to really take note of the fact that Amelia had sworn, which was definitely out of her nature. Harrison’s brow was furrowed so hard that his muscles were almost cramping. She patted him on the shoulder and he moved his shoulder so that her hand fell off of it, “I know. I’m not embarrassed. This is just fucking dumb and stupid.” He grumbled before he crossed his arms over his chest, looking down at the surface of the table. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Wendy have a concerned look on her face– or at least, that’s what he thought it was supposed to be– but that only made him more frustrated. He didn’t need her pity.
Amelia’s anger was soon dismissed when she noticed how Harrison was behaving, which wasn’t in a way that was best for the first day of cooking class. She blinked a few times, looking between Harrison and Wendy before politely suggesting that she check on another one of the patients who was trying to eat the baking paper - forcing the fakest and sweetest smile she had ever done when doing so. Then when Wendy had left, Amelia turned to Harrison, putting her hand on the side of his arm and gently rubbing it in the best comforting way that she could. ‘Are you alright, gorgeous?’ She inquired, her voice soft and low, genuinely concerned unlike Wendy who seemed concerned just for show - which bothered Amelia like mad. ‘We can ditch this if you want. Take brownies from the kitchens?’
He nodded at her words and smiled a little at her. She made him feel better about things, as always, and he tried to get his muscles to relax. Then Harrison laughed quietly. Obviously marijuana wasn’t something he’d ever had his hands on. It wasn’t accessible in the hospital to anyone except for a few elderly patients who had it for pain relief, and even then they were heavily supervised while they smoked it. Harrison knew just by knowing what it was, however, that Amelia was 100% correct.
Harrison heard Amelia mutter something, although he didn’t understand what it was that she was saying. He was trying to decipher it when he got called on and nearly jumped out of his skin, caught off guard by the sudden call of his name. In the times before Amelia came into his life, he would have scoffed and refused, maybe flipped her off in his older years. But now he was different and he was here because he was trying to be normal and trying to learn how to function properly in society, so he did his best to comply to her wishes.
He’d never really been a super genius, and reading out loud wasn’t his strong point, so he himself cringed when he started to read and tripped over his own words just a few sentences in. He stopped and held his breath for some reason that even he himself didn’t understand. He’d read about a quarter of the way through the recipe and, although she asked him to do the whole thing, he was very much done now. Harrison shook his head and went quiet, his brow furrowing in a mix of irritation and frustration and some other bad feeling in his throat and chest. Wendy asked if he was okay and he didn’t look up at her, not embarrassed but just frustrated, “I’m fine. I’m just done reading.” He shrugged his shoulders and bit down on the inside of his bottom lip.
Amelia had glared when Wendy had called on Harrison like she did. Not only was she treating them like elementary school kids, but she was treating Harrison like one. And she knew first hand that for Harrison having to do something like read out in front of people was something he’d struggled with. And for the first time ever since being in the institute, Amelia felt her stomach burn with anger towards a woman she knew nothing about, just a name and the fact she was getting on her nerves.
‘You have got to be fucking kidding me.’ She muttered under her breath, visibly rolling her eyes when Wendy called on Harrison, which was probably the first time in a long time that Amelia had sworn out in a context that wasn’t at least slightly sexual to say the least. She was actually mad, and if Harrison wasn’t beating someone up today it was going to be her. She frowned a little as Harrison read at loud over her shoulder, it being bluntly obvious that he was frustrated, and this wasn’t a class that she wanted to lead him out of - because if she did they would take him out of it and replace him with a new partner for her.
‘How about we just get on with actually starting instead of standing around like a bunch of dumbasses who apparently haven’t reached a level of decency to be treated like actual human beings.’ Amelia snapped, and with that Wendy had dismissed the class to take on the recipe themselves, noting she would wander around and help where it was needed. And almost immediately she moved to Harrison and patted his shoulder. ‘There is no need to be embarrassed.’ She said, her voice becoming disgustingly sweet.
Wendy said something about looking forward to teaching them all before she asked if they were excited to take the class. Harrison took a deep breath in and let it out slowly before he spoke, “I’ve never cooked or baked anything in my entire life so, I guess I’m a little excited about it,” He shrugged and laughed, not really wanting to share his fears or worries with anyone else but Amelia. Harrison still had issues trusting people with his negative or possibly “embarrassing” emotions. Amelia was the only person he knew definitely wouldn’t laugh at him or tease him about his worries or fears or whatever else was in his bag of deep, dark feelings. While he had this brief thought, he looked down at Amelia and smiled very softly, taking a very small unnoticeable step towards her and taking her tiny hand in his larger one.
“Well I’m sure you’ll do great!” Wendy’s voice was peppy and perky and it seemed like she’d had about twelve cups of whatever kind of fancy coffee drinks Amelia had told Harrison about on the outside, “Let’s get started, shall we?” She smiled brightly at him and he was irritated when he noticed how she barely even looked in Amelia’s direction. The woman headed up towards the large display table in the front, littered with much fancier and high end versions of their own utensils. She started to address the class, introducing herself and talking about the class and what they’d be doing in it.
Harrison could feel his palms starting to sweat and his stomach twist as they got closer and closer to actually making things and using what was on the table in front of him. He swallowed thickly and tried to take another deep breath in. After a little bit he glanced down at Amelia again. before whispering, “I’m really nervous,” There was a hitch in his breath at the end of his sentence.
Amelia didn’t even realize she had tensed up since meeting Wendy until Harrison took her hand, and almost immediately she relaxed and calmed down. It was funny, because usually it was the other way around. Then again, she never really had anything to get worked up about when they weren’t around a charity worker chef who spent way too much money on a horrible manicure.
‘You’re honestly going to do fine, gorgeous. I promise.’ Amelia whispered back to Harrison, squeezing the hand of his that she was holding a little before glancing from him to Wendy. ‘Just don’t get any shell in the eggs.’ She joked with a small smile before listening to the instructions they were being given. In order to actually cook, she had to let go of Harrison’s hand in order to grab the recipe card that was on their bench, holding it up with a frown as she read through it, then looking at Harrison. ‘You would have probably felt better if these were pot brownies.’
She offered him a soft and genuine smile before she had reached across the bench and got one of the mixing bowls that was over to the side, pulling it front of them as well as the ingredients that were already there for them to use. ‘Right, so who here wants to read out the recipe?’ Wendy asked, which made Amelia scoff, glancing over at Harrison before looking down at the card. ‘Honestly, if she’s going to act like we’re five I will attack her face with the electric mixer.’ She muttered under her breath, though perked up a little when Wendy called on Harrison to read the recipe.
He laughed. She usually knew how to make him feel better, or at least settle his nerves a little bit so he wasn’t as worked up. The assortment of both string & beaded bracelets on his wrist was a testament to what she said. When he’d stopped being a dick to everyone and started putting effort into the things he did in the hospital, he’d become determined to learn how to make the goddamn bracelets. Once he got the hang of it, he found it to be one of the most calming activities in the place, and he spent as much time as he could making them, especially when he could feel himself getting upset or angry or anxious.
Some of the nurses joked that there was probably more bracelets on his wrist than there was skin at this point, but he’d laugh with them and just shake his head because he liked them. He’d even almost taught a new patient how to make them once. Almost being the keyword, as halfway through he’d had an involuntary fit of anger and had to be carried out by two larger nurses, “Okay. Okay okay. Okay,” He nodded, “This is fine,” He put his hands the side of his arms and stroked up and down, somehow hoping that it would work to calm him down a little more.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw a woman walk in, her hair tied up in a neat bun & an apron, much fancier than their own, tied around her. She approached them with a smile on her face. “Hi, I’m going to be teaching the class today,” Harrison thought maybe she’d approached them specifically because he’d accidentally made eye contact, although he wasn’t completely sure, “I’ll be introducing myself to everyone in a bit but you can call me Wendy,” She stuck her hand out.
Harrison looked down at it, “I’m not supposed to touch anyone before asking permission from the nurses,” The woman in front of them widened her eyes in what seemed to be a state of shock and slight fear as she started to lower her hand, “I’m kidding. They leave those kind of patients in the padded rooms away from everyone else,” That had been an attempt at a reassuring statement but the woman pushed out a fake laugh that said it wasn’t too comforting. Harrison wasn’t great at interacting with people who weren’t used to the hospital yet, but he was getting there. He shook her hand, “I’m Harrison. This is Amelia,” He gestured towards the small girl beside him.
‘Damn right, this is fine.’ Amelia agreed, nodding her head along as she spoke with a smile on her face, gently nudging Harrison’s side in a playful way. Her eyes widened a little when she saw the woman approach them. Not because she was a normal person, or the most normal person she’d seen in a long time, but because her eyes were straight on Harrison as she made a beeline to him. Amelia would have liked to think that she wasn’t easily intimidated. But in this moment, she did.
Due to her experiences in the institution, Amelia had grown frail and even smaller than what she was before she’d been admitted. Meanwhile this Wendy woman, she was fuller everywhere. Especially in the hips, thighs and chest, which made Amelia weary of herself. Wendy’s hair was also more healthy looking and looked like she’d gotten her hair done the day before and tossed it in a bun. Amelia’s hair was rough and long with split ends, and hadn’t had a good wash for years. Wendy’s skin was pale, and not in the bad way like Amelia’s, and was completely clear of scars and bruises. The only thing about Wendy that completely threatened her and made her feel more territorial about the institute as well as Harrison was that she was more normal than Amelia. And Amelia was damn close to it.
She was still very shy and withdrawn when it came to meeting new people, so she was very glad that Harrison introduced her to Wendy. And she felt rude because the expression on Amelia’s face wasn’t exactly inviting, but sort of like stone as she took Wendy’s hand when it was offered to her and shook it. ‘Yeah, I’m Amelia.’ She said, her voice monotone and she kept her eyes directly on Wendy. Of course Amelia wasn’t going to pull any “I’m a crazy patient, so beware because I will not hesitate to shit down your throat” bullshit, but she was very much considering it.
He turned around when she finished tying the apron on him, “I don’t think you realize that the most ‘cooking’ I’ve ever done is when they had an ice cream bar here when I was 12 and I put together toppings in my own bowl,” Harrison twisted his lips, “I’m going to end up hurting myself or someone else today I can guarantee it. I’m gonna light something on fire or break something or poison someone on accident. It’s going to be a disaster,” He shook his head, obviously having very little confidence in himself & the results that would come out of the experience if he had any part in it.”
‘Have I ever told you that the first time I ever cooked when I was like 11 I set the oven alight by accident? So sure, you’re probably gonna suck a little at first, but everyone does.’ Amelia tried, she knew that Harrison wasn’t ever really alright with doing something for the first time, especially something like cooking that had a lot of different outcomes, both good and bad. ‘It’s not gonna be a disaster, the worst thing that would happen would be that we burn the brownies or we get food poisoning. We’ll do fine. You’ll do fine.’ She assured him, resting her hands on his sides and looking up at him. ‘Think of it like... Putting together the bracelets we did in the group work activity. You’ll probably get frustrated, and the first time around you might need to leave the room or the bracelet will fall apart as soon as you put it on. But now you’re like the king of bracelet making.’
‘Of course they cleared you, like honestly the people in here are supposed to be alright so I guess everyone decided the chances of you getting grumpy and stabbing someone in the face were pretty low.’ She said, kidding of course because this was probably the first time Harrison actually cooked in his life. She widened her own eyes a little when he turned the hand mixer and used her hand to lower his, then she took it from his hand. ‘How about we stay away from spinning blades of death?’ She suggested, putting the mixer down, then turning to Harrison she held out the second apron that was on the bench when they came in, holding it out. ‘Turn around.’
He let out a small laugh, although at one point or another the concern of him stabbing someone had been a very legitimate one among the staff. Harrison lowered his hand as she guided him to do so and turned around when she asked, “Are you sure that you don’t want me to just like, y’know, supervise or something? I’m really great at supervising,” He helped pull the apron over his head, “I could just stand like a few steps behind you and watch you. I’m sure you’re great at,” He looked towards the table and furrowed his brow, “All of whatever this stuff is..”
‘I really don’t think you wanna sit this one out.’ Amelia hummed as Harrison turned around and once the apron was hanging around his neck she took to straightening it out and tying it behind him securely. ‘I’m not allowing anyone to send you off into the real world if you can’t make an amazing grilled cheese, and I sure as hell am not letting you out of here until you know how to not kill yourself in a kitchen. She then waited for him to turn back around before she kissed his cheek. ‘Anyway, you’ll do fiinnnee. You have to do the cool things like mix things for me and like crack eggs.’
“Righto, partner. Are you ready to bake some kick ass brownies or what?” Amelia asked, clapping her hands together, obviously excited for the cooking class that she gave him no choice in doing. It was one step closer to being normal and she knew it as going to be a lot of work, but it was cooking and she loved food. She had just wrapped her apron around her body, not sure if there was ketchup or blood on it but whatever it was, she was trying not to think about it too much.
Harrison was looking down at their own personal table in front of them, covered in what he could only assume were cooking utensils. His eyes had been wide since they’d walked into the room full of individual stations for each pair of patients. Almost everything looked foreign to him. He looked up from the table and looked over at Amelia, “I guess so, yeah,” He let out a small laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. She was so excited about this class and he wanted to make her happy. Besides, he had almost zero skills when it came to normal every day living requirements on the outside so he had to start somewhere, “Are you sure they cleared me to take this? I mean, they usually don’t let me touch any kind of utensils other than like, sporks..” He picked up one of the items and put his hand on the metal crank, turning it and watching the two top parts spin in unison, his eyes widening again.
‘Of course they cleared you, like honestly the people in here are supposed to be alright so I guess everyone decided the chances of you getting grumpy and stabbing someone in the face were pretty low.’ She said, kidding of course because this was probably the first time Harrison actually cooked in his life. She widened her own eyes a little when he turned the hand mixer and usd her hand to lower his, then she took it from his hand. ‘How about we stay away from spinning blades of death?’ She suggested, putting the mixer down, then turning to Harrison she held out the second apron that was on the bench when they came in, holding it out. ‘Turn around.’
“Righto, partner. Are you ready to bake some kick ass brownies or what?” Amelia asked, clapping her hands together, obviously excited for the cooking class that she gave him no choice in doing. It was one step closer to being normal and she knew it as going to be a lot of work, but it was cooking and she loved food. She had just wrapped her apron around her body, not sure if there was ketchup or blood on it but whatever it was, she was trying not to think about it too much.
Harrison let out a very small, very quiet gasp when she went to unbutton his jeans. It wasn’t a negative gasp. He wouldn’t know how to explain what it was if someone had asked him to. It was something deep inside him that pushed up through his lungs. His toes curled slightly against the carpeting in their room. He bit his lip as she pressed a kiss at the base of his neck, his breath coming out quiet and shaky. Suddenly he was feeling quiet and needy and submissive. His hands tingled where she’d kissed his knuckles and he could feel a deep red creeping down his neck and onto his shirt covered chest. He leaned down when she pulled him gently and pressed his own forehead against hers. A tiny, shaky breath left his lips and he nodded his head, not saying anything for a bit before letting out a small and slightly whiny, “Mhm.” His head tilted a bit and his lips found hers, a tiny whimper coming out of him at the tentative kiss he gave her.
Amelia’s small and fragile hand had moved around to cup the side of Harrison’s jaw as his lips found hers in the dark. She tilted her head just ever so slightly to the side so their noses didn’t awkwardly press against each other, moving her lips carefully over his. This continued for a few moments, before she had forced herself to pull away. But not entirely. Just with her nose pressed into Harrison’s cheek, her lips just touching his with the feeling of his breath on her skin. The only thing that could be heard for a few moments was their breathing, Amelia’s hands moved down to rest on Harrison’s sides in the dark, her eyes still closed. She allowed them to stay silent for awhile before she spoke again. But it could just barely be heard over their breathing.
‘I want to do that.’ She murmured softly, eyes still sealed shut. ‘And.. I want you to forget everything. And remember this. Remember this.’ Amelia was speaking in barely more than a whisper as she slipped one hand down Harrison’s side, wriggling her fingers carefully under the hem of his shirt, resting it on the curve of Harrison’s hip. ‘Remember me.’ She pressed a soft and quick kiss to Harrison’s lips a single time. ‘Remember every kiss.’ She murmured, nudging her nose softly against Harrison’s as her hand slipped up around his back, fingers carefully brushing along his skin. ‘Every touch. Every word. And every sound.’ She said, her voice just shaking slightly because she was nervous, there was no denying that. But if she had to chose a moment to be ready, to show Harrison how much she cared and loved and trusted him, this was the moment. And she wouldn’t have traded it for anything in the world. Though suppressing the thoughts and the nerves, Amelia leaned forward yet again to press her lips onto Harrisons, carefully and meaningfully and this time not taking them off.
He was enjoying the closeness with her. The therapists told him it was probably because of some subconscious memory he’d buried away in his mind, but he always felt safest and most comfortable in bathtubs regardless of it they were filled with water or not. Harrison had tried to figure it out over the years but had given up after failing time and time again. It didn’t matter why he felt safest there. As long as he knew of a place he could go that would make him feel safe, it didn’t matter why it made him feel that way.
Harrison nodded, taking a few seconds to breathe before he pulled back from where his face was nuzzled against her neck. He pushed himself up off the bathtub floor, offering a hand to help her up before stepping out of the bathtub and walking towards the exit of the bathroom. He felt almost numb now, his eyes stinging from the tears. He knew he must look like hell, but he couldn’t be bothered to worry about it at the moment. He walked towards his bed, working the buttons on his jeans so that he could take them off as he did so.
She climbed out of the tub just after Harrison with ease, though took his hand to somehow comfort him. He looked exhausted and all she wanted to do was kiss the tears away and make sure he was feeling okay. Amelia followed him into the room, closing the bathroom door behind them as she chewed on her bottom lip, watching Harrison carefully. ‘Let me..’ She murmured, but didn’t finish as she stepped forward and took hold of Harrison’s arm ever so gently, as if she would bruise him if she was any rougher. With that she moved around and stood in front of him, looking up so her eyes met his. Letting out a shaky breath, Amelia wiped tears off Harrison’s cheeks with the pads of her thumbs and moved his hair out of his eyes, offering him a small smile.
Looking down, Amelia sniffled. Her hands had met his that were working on unbuttoning his jeans, taking them in her hands and bringing them up to her lips in order to spread a few kisses along his knuckles, almost murmuring into them as she turned his hands over and kissed his palms. ‘Let me make everything go away.’ Was all she said, just loud enough for Harrison to hear. She then carefully placed his hands by his sides and left them there as her own hands moved to where he already unbuttoned his jeans. Amelia then unzipped them, glancing up at Harrison as she did, then gently tugging the denim down until it pulled around his ankles. And then it was with that she had leaned up, nuzzling her nose into the base of Harrison’s neck, pressing a kiss to his warm skin before pulling away.
It was then she moved a hand up to the back of Harrison’s neck in order to pull him down ever so gently to her height, resting her forehead on his when he was the right height and closing her eyes for a few moments and them opening them. ‘You’re so special to me, Harrison. I wish I could fix this. Make it go away. At least for now. Do you think I could do that?’ She said, speaking in barely a whisper.
He looked at her when she asked him to, his breath coming out ragged and shaky and painful. The words she spoke hit him right in the heart and he felt them physically. He felt every single one of them as they came from her lips. She finished speaking and he nodded his head quickly, “Okay,” He croaked out and wiped his cheeks with his hands, “Okay,” He repeated, sniffling and taking deep breaths, counting to fours in his head as he did so. Harrison wrapped his arms around her, resting them on his shoulders this time, and hugged her tightly, “I love you,” The sound was muffled, “I love you,” He repeated and hugged her a bit tighter, hiccuping again. Tears started to stream down his face against because he couldn’t stop them. He wanted to be okay and he wanted to let it go and he didn’t want to let his past affect him anymore. But that wasn’t something he could just do with a snap of his fingers.
‘We’ll figure it out. I promise.’ She whispered to him softly, moving a little in order to kiss his forehead, then continuing to nuzzling her nose into the top of her hair as she felt him calm down after awhile, which calmed her a little more. ‘There’s no rush. You’ll get there. I promise.’ She said, her words so soft that they couldn’t barely be heard. She closed her eyes for a few moments, breathing out through her nose as she held onto him just as tightly, then moving a hand to rub his back yet again, this time slipping under this shirt to rub his bare back and her other hand pushing back his hair a little as she rested against the tiled wall of the bath.
‘How about we get you into bed, yeah?’ She suggested softly, pressing another kiss to his skin, this time to his temple. ‘We’ll talk about it in the morning.’ She said, deciding that she wasn’t going to get up until he did, that way she knew he was okay enough to get into bed. If not, she’d sit in the bathtub and hold him for however much longer it took for him to feel better. It was almost incoherent when she said something along the lines of “I love you and I promise I’ll make everything go away. Just for now.”
He tried to take a deep breath but it got caught in his throat and he hiccuped painfully. Harrison shook his head, although he didn’t know if he was really disagreeing with anything, or if he was just shaking it out of frustration and sadness and heartache, “They just-” His sentence was interrupted by another hiccup through his tears, “They just left me here,” His face pulled together, scrunching up as he cried more. Harrison focused more on trying to take deep breaths, making a serious effort because Amelia had asked him to. He focused on the sound of her voice, soothing and gentle. He focused intensely on the way her hands felt rubbing his back and moving through his hair. Harrison tried to calm down.
His arms wrapped a bit tighter around her and he hiccuped and he let out another sound. His eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to force the tears to stop forming in his eyes. Despite her words, he knew he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay no matter how much he told people he was okay. It had taken him a long time to admit to his therapists that he wasn’t okay, that the memory of his parents hurt him and he felt extreme heartache towards the fact that they’d left him here. He wasn’t okay at all and it was something he was working on but it hadn’t been achieved yet. There were a lot of things that Harrison knew that he was but okay was not one of those things.
Amelia’s voice and words were shaky as she spoke, her own tears streaming down her face every few moments. ‘I know they left you. I know.’ She whispered softly, squeezing her eyes shut before she moved away a little from the top of Harrison’s head, sniffling and wiping her tears away. ‘Harrison. I want you to look at me. Take a deep breath and look at me.’ Was all she had said softly, waiting patiently for him to do so. And when he did look at her, his eyes red and still leaking tears, she felt her heart split in two. Her hands shakily moved up to cup his face for a few moments, using one hand to push some of his hair out of his face and then wipe away from tears with her thumb. She took a deep breath, looking him right in the eye, no matter how much it hurt.
‘I know they left.’ She said quietly. ‘I know everyone has left. And we’re left on our own here.. But we have each other.’ She assured him quietly. ‘We will always have each other.’ She promised, her words becoming more and more firm, in a way to tell him she was sure of it. ‘I’m never leaving, Harrison. I will never leave you. I never want to leave you. I love you so much and that is the last thing that I would ever do.’ She needed to pause to gather herself, her own words making her tear up. ‘One day we’re going to get a big house and that’s going to be home but right now you’re my home and I hope I’m yours. And.. And.. We’re going to be okay. Even if we aren’t okay now. We’re going to make everything okay. I will make everything okay. That big house is going to be our new start. But it will never, never make me leave you like they did. I will never leave. You have me for as long as you want me, Harrison. You know that.’ She needed to take a moment to wipe her cheeks with the back of her hand. ‘I want you to breathe with me, Harrison. I can feel your anxiety and what we’re going to do is breathe. Together. Okay? We’re doing this together.’
Harrison didn’t have the energy to try and push her away. He didn’t have the time or the need to be cold and distant and want to deal with this on his own. Every inch of him ached with the emotional pain of the memories of that day so many years ago. He climbed over into her lap and buried his face into her chest, wrapping his arms around her torso and feeling his shoulders shake as he continued to cry. This was the most vulnerable he’d been in a long time and definitely the most vulnerable he’d been when he was around someone else, maybe in his entire life.
His hands took hold of the fabric of the shirt on her back and scrunched it up into his fists as he held her tightly. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say anything. He thanked god that he didn’t have to explain anything to her right now, that he didn’t have to tell her what day it was or why he was acting the way he was or why she’d found him in a puddle of tears in the bathtub. Harrison let out a noise he hadn’t meant to let out but didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed for it. He was far past feeling any of that. Images and memories were flashing on his eyelids like projections from a lens and it hurt him even more.
He could see his mother and father’s faces. He could see them signing papers and he could see them talking to doctors and nurses. Their voices were muffled and he didn’t know what they were actually saying because, at the time, he hadn’t thought anything was important enough to listen to. He’d had no idea what was going on. He’d only known where they were by his own observations he’d made coming in, and then when one of the nurses introduced himself to Harrison and gave him the run down of what was happening. Of course the man had been nothing but friendly at the time but Harrison had felt like he was being attacked and it had sent him into a state of shock and panic and confusion. This later turned into the anger that stuck with him until Amelia showed up.
Everything was coming back to him in a rush as it did every year on that same day. His shoulders lurched a bit and he held her a little tighter, moving to bury his face into her neck now instead of her chest, needing to be held and needing to be taken care of and loved like he hadn’t been before she came into his life.
By the time Harrison had moved into her lap, Amelia had teared up so much that he was just a blur to her. She buried her face in the top of his hair, at the same time bursting the tears in her eyes and causing them to fall down her cheeks. Seeing Harrison hurt made her hurt. More than what she could explain to anyone. She said in silence, arms wrapped tightly around Harrison as she held him, almost rocking back and forth at the time. She didn’t know what she would have done if she didn’t know what was happening. But now that she did, she understood and felt like she knew what to say.
‘Harrison.’ She whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke into his hair. ‘I love you Harrison.’ She said, hiccuping softly as she kept her eyes shut. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She added, shaking her head and burying her face more into his hair. ‘I’ve got you. You’re okay. We’re okay.’ She said still staying quiet as she did, the hand on his back gently rubbing it, as she let out deep breaths. ‘Deep breaths. Can you do that for me right now, Harrison?’ She whispered, sounding more like a worried mother than anything, cooing almost like he was a baby. ‘I know you can take deep breaths, Harrison. I know you’re okay.’ She said in a soothing voice.
‘You know you’re okay.’ She continued, the hand that wasn’t resting on his back and rubbing it moving to his hair to stroke it. ‘I love you, Harrison. More than anything else in the world.’ She said, feeling her heart sink as she felt him shake as he cried. ‘Think of right now. Think of what’s here right now. Don’t let it eat you. Think of us, Harrison. We’re okay. We’re here now. I’m here now. I’m always going to be here. I’ll make this go away, I promise. Just take deep breaths for me.’ She continued to whisper into his hair.
