sweet delusions.

HARRISON ASHER — Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slither wildly as they slip away, across the universe.

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

She climbed out of the tub just after Harrison with ease, though took his hand to somehow comfort him. He looked exhausted and all she wanted to do was kiss the tears away and make sure he was feeling okay. Amelia followed him into the room, closing the bathroom door behind them as she chewed on her bottom lip, watching Harrison carefully. ‘Let me..’ She murmured, but didn’t finish as she stepped forward and took hold of Harrison’s arm ever so gently, as if she would bruise him if she was any rougher. With that she moved around and stood in front of him, looking up so her eyes met his. Letting out a shaky breath, Amelia wiped tears off Harrison’s cheeks with the pads of her thumbs and moved his hair out of his eyes, offering him a small smile. 

Looking down, Amelia sniffled. Her hands had met his that were working on unbuttoning his jeans, taking them in her hands and bringing them up to her lips in order to spread a few kisses along his knuckles, almost murmuring into them as she turned his hands over and kissed his palms. ‘Let me make everything go away.’ Was all she said, just loud enough for Harrison to hear. She then carefully placed his hands by his sides and left them there as her own hands moved to where he already unbuttoned his jeans. Amelia then unzipped them, glancing up at Harrison as she did, then gently tugging the denim down until it pulled around his ankles. And then it was with that she had leaned up, nuzzling her nose into the base of Harrison’s neck, pressing a kiss to his warm skin before pulling away. 

It was then she moved a hand up to the back of Harrison’s neck in order to pull him down ever so gently to her height, resting her forehead on his when he was the right height and closing her eyes for a few moments and them opening them. ‘You’re so special to me, Harrison. I wish I could fix this. Make it go away. At least for now. Do you think I could do that?’ She said, speaking in barely a whisper. 

[mentalharrison-blog]

Harrison let out a very small, very quiet gasp when she went to unbutton his jeans. It wasn’t a negative gasp. He wouldn’t know how to explain what it was if someone had asked him to. It was something deep inside him that pushed up through his lungs. His toes curled slightly against the carpeting in their room. He bit his lip as she pressed a kiss at the base of his neck, his breath coming out quiet and shaky. Suddenly he was feeling quiet and needy and submissive. His hands tingled where she’d kissed his knuckles and he could feel a deep red creeping down his neck and onto his shirt covered chest. He leaned down when she pulled him gently and pressed his own forehead against hers. A tiny, shaky breath left his lips and he nodded his head, not saying anything for a bit before letting out a small and slightly whiny, “Mhm.” His head tilted a bit and his lips found hers, a tiny whimper coming out of him at the tentative kiss he gave her. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

‘We’ll figure it out. I promise.’ She whispered to him softly, moving a little in order to kiss his forehead, then continuing to nuzzling her nose into the top of her hair as she felt him calm down after awhile, which calmed her a little more. ‘There’s no rush. You’ll get there. I promise.’ She said, her words so soft that they couldn’t barely be heard. She closed her eyes for a few moments, breathing out through her nose as she held onto him just as tightly, then moving a hand to rub his back yet again, this time slipping under this shirt to rub his bare back and her other hand pushing back his hair a little as she rested against the tiled wall of the bath. 

‘How about we get you into bed, yeah?’ She suggested softly, pressing another kiss to his skin, this time to his temple. ‘We’ll talk about it in the morning.’ She said, deciding that she wasn’t going to get up until he did, that way she knew he was okay enough to get into bed. If not, she’d sit in the bathtub and hold him for however much longer it took for him to feel better. It was almost incoherent when she said something along the lines of “I love you and I promise I’ll make everything go away. Just for now.” 

[mentalharrison-blog]

He was enjoying the closeness with her. The therapists told him it was probably because of some subconscious memory he’d buried away in his mind, but he always felt safest and most comfortable in bathtubs regardless of it they were filled with water or not. Harrison had tried to figure it out over the years but had given up after failing time and time again. It didn’t matter why he felt safest there. As long as he knew of a place he could go that would make him feel safe, it didn’t matter why it made him feel that way. 

Harrison nodded, taking a few seconds to breathe before he pulled back from where his face was nuzzled against her neck. He pushed himself up off the bathtub floor, offering a hand to help her up before stepping out of the bathtub and walking towards the exit of the bathroom. He felt almost numb now, his eyes stinging from the tears. He knew he must look like hell, but he couldn’t be bothered to worry about it at the moment. He walked towards his bed, working the buttons on his jeans so that he could take them off as he did so. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

Amelia’s voice and words were shaky as she spoke, her own tears streaming down her face every few moments. ‘I know they left you. I know.’ She whispered softly, squeezing her eyes shut before she moved away a little from the top of Harrison’s head, sniffling and wiping her tears away. ‘Harrison. I want you to look at me. Take a deep breath and look at me.’ Was all she had said softly, waiting patiently for him to do so. And when he did look at her, his eyes red and still leaking tears, she felt her heart split in two. Her hands shakily moved up to cup his face for a few moments, using one hand to push some of his hair out of his face and then wipe away from tears with her thumb. She took a deep breath, looking him right in the eye, no matter how much it hurt. 

‘I know they left.’ She said quietly. ‘I know everyone has left. And we’re left on our own here.. But we have each other.’ She assured him quietly. ‘We will always have each other.’ She promised, her words becoming more and more firm, in a way to tell him she was sure of it. ‘I’m never leaving, Harrison. I will never leave you. I never want to leave you. I love you so much and that is the last thing that I would ever do.’ She needed to pause to gather herself, her own words making her tear up. ‘One day we’re going to get a big house and that’s going to be home but right now you’re my home and I hope I’m yours. And.. And.. We’re going to be okay. Even if we aren’t okay now. We’re going to make everything okay. I will make everything okay. That big house is going to be our new start. But it will never, never make me leave you like they did. I will never leave. You have me for as long as you want me, Harrison. You know that.’ She needed to take a moment to wipe her cheeks with the back of her hand. ‘I want you to breathe with me, Harrison. I can feel your anxiety and what we’re going to do is breathe. Together. Okay? We’re doing this together.’ 

[mentalharrison-blog]

He looked at her when she asked him to, his breath coming out ragged and shaky and painful. The words she spoke hit him right in the heart and he felt them physically. He felt every single one of them as they came from her lips. She finished speaking and he nodded his head quickly, “Okay,” He croaked out and wiped his cheeks with his hands, “Okay,” He repeated, sniffling and taking deep breaths, counting to fours in his head as he did so. Harrison wrapped his arms around her, resting them on his shoulders this time, and hugged her tightly, “I love you,” The sound was muffled, “I love you,” He repeated and hugged her a bit tighter, hiccuping again. Tears started to stream down his face against because he couldn’t stop them. He wanted to be okay and he wanted to let it go and he didn’t want to let his past affect him anymore. But that wasn’t something he could just do with a snap of his fingers. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

By the time Harrison had moved into her lap, Amelia had teared up so much that he was just a blur to her. She buried her face in the top of his hair, at the same time bursting the tears in her eyes and causing them to fall down her cheeks. Seeing Harrison hurt made her hurt. More than what she could explain to anyone. She said in silence, arms wrapped tightly around Harrison as she held him, almost rocking back and forth at the time. She didn’t know what she would have done if she didn’t know what was happening. But now that she did, she understood and felt like she knew what to say.

‘Harrison.’ She whispered, her voice cracking as she spoke into his hair. ‘I love you Harrison.’ She said, hiccuping softly as she kept her eyes shut. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She added, shaking her head and burying her face more into his hair. ‘I’ve got you. You’re okay. We’re okay.’ She said still staying quiet as she did, the hand on his back gently rubbing it, as she let out deep breaths. ‘Deep breaths. Can you do that for me right now, Harrison?’ She whispered, sounding more like a worried mother than anything, cooing almost like he was a baby. ‘I know you can take deep breaths, Harrison. I know you’re okay.’ She said in a soothing voice.

‘You know you’re okay.’ She continued, the hand that wasn’t resting on his back and rubbing it moving to his hair to stroke it. ‘I love you, Harrison. More than anything else in the world.’ She said, feeling her heart sink as she felt him shake as he cried. ‘Think of right now. Think of what’s here right now. Don’t let it eat you. Think of us, Harrison. We’re okay. We’re here now. I’m here now. I’m always going to be here. I’ll make this go away, I promise. Just take deep breaths for me.’ She continued to whisper into his hair.

[mentalharrison-blog]

He tried to take a deep breath but it got caught in his throat and he hiccuped painfully. Harrison shook his head, although he didn’t know if he was really disagreeing with anything, or if he was just shaking it out of frustration and sadness and heartache, “They just-” His sentence was interrupted by another hiccup through his tears, “They just left me here,” His face pulled together, scrunching up as he cried more. Harrison focused more on trying to take deep breaths, making a serious effort because Amelia had asked him to. He focused on the sound of her voice, soothing and gentle. He focused intensely on the way her hands felt rubbing his back and moving through his hair. Harrison tried to calm down. 

His arms wrapped a bit tighter around her and he hiccuped and he let out another sound. His eyebrows scrunched together as he tried to force the tears to stop forming in his eyes. Despite her words, he knew he wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay no matter how much he told people he was okay. It had taken him a long time to admit to his therapists that he wasn’t okay, that the memory of his parents hurt him and he felt extreme heartache towards the fact that they’d left him here. He wasn’t okay at all and it was something he was working on but it hadn’t been achieved yet. There were a lot of things that Harrison knew that he was but okay was not one of those things. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

If Amelia knew one thing it would be that the doctors were right when recommending dance as a form of therapy for Amelia, mainly because one of her happier and easier childhood memories was being able to take dance classes. It calmed her body and her mind. And that’s why she went straight to the dance room up until the point she had broken out into a sweat and was panting. Looking at the time and deciding that Harrison would still be awake, Amelia used the change rooms instead for a shower. She hated to do so, but she decided it would be best. And was sure to secure the door so no one came in as she showered for a good hour. She changed into her sweats and a shirt, leaving what she would usually wear to bed in her room because it was too much skin for the halls in her opinion. 

Amelia packed up the studio and closed the light off, folding her arms over her chest and moving out into the hallway as she was on edge for anyone wondering around the halls. But there was no one, she was alone thankfully and made her way to hers and Harrison’s room. She frowned when entering and seeing Harrison not in bed, dropping her bag on her bed she moved to change, taking her pants off and replace her shirt for one of Harrison’s for bed. Then, she decided to wash her face and maybe get a drink before bed as she opened the bathroom door. What she saw nearly made her fall to her knees. 

There Harrison was, the person she loved most, left broken and cold in the empty bathtub crying. She hadn’t seen him cry for so long, and the last time was out of happiness. But from what she saw and heard, he wasn’t happy. He was so much far from it. She remembered seeing the time when leaving the dance room. Today was the anniversary. 

‘Harrison..’ She said, her voice shaky and broken as she pulled the bath curtain to the side a little more as she moved to step into the bathtub, getting on her knees beside him. ‘I know. I know what it is.’ She said weakly, feeling herself tear up. She never wanted to see him like this ever again. It broke her too much. With that she reached out to put her hand on his arm, testing the waters to see if she could do anything. If she could just hold him. Tell him it was okay. ‘Come here.’ She whispered, moving some hair out of his eyes. ‘I’m here Harrison.’ 

[mentalharrison-blog]

Harrison didn’t have the energy to try and push her away. He didn’t have the time or the need to be cold and distant and want to deal with this on his own. Every inch of him ached with the emotional pain of the memories of that day so many years ago. He climbed over into her lap and buried his face into her chest, wrapping his arms around her torso and feeling his shoulders shake as he continued to cry. This was the most vulnerable he’d been in a long time and definitely the most vulnerable he’d been when he was around someone else, maybe in his entire life. 

His hands took hold of the fabric of the shirt on her back and scrunched it up into his fists as he held her tightly. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t say anything. He thanked god that he didn’t have to explain anything to her right now, that he didn’t have to tell her what day it was or why he was acting the way he was or why she’d found him in a puddle of tears in the bathtub. Harrison let out a noise he hadn’t meant to let out but didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed for it. He was far past feeling any of that. Images and memories were flashing on his eyelids like projections from a lens and it hurt him even more. 

He could see his mother and father’s faces. He could see them signing papers and he could see them talking to doctors and nurses. Their voices were muffled and he didn’t know what they were actually saying because, at the time, he hadn’t thought anything was important enough to listen to. He’d had no idea what was going on. He’d only known where they were by his own observations he’d made coming in, and then when one of the nurses introduced himself to Harrison and gave him the run down of what was happening. Of course the man had been nothing but friendly at the time but Harrison had felt like he was being attacked and it had sent him into a state of shock and panic and confusion. This later turned into the anger that stuck with him until Amelia showed up. 

Everything was coming back to him in a rush as it did every year on that same day. His shoulders lurched a bit and he held her a little tighter, moving to bury his face into her neck now instead of her chest, needing to be held and needing to be taken care of and loved like he hadn’t been before she came into his life. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

She barely had a chance to say anything, so instead  she looked down up until the point Harrison had snapped, her eyes widening as she stared at him in disbelief. As did other patients around them who had some idea of their relationship and how something like this had never happened. Amelia didn’t want to weaken herself, but her eyes did water with the way Harrison had spoken to her, looking her in the eye as well. She was hurt, so much her chest hurt and she continued to stare at where Harrison was sitting for a few moments. Completely and utterly confused and upset. She continued to sit there, desperately staring around at everyone around her, hoping that someone had an explanation for what just happened. Even when Harrison was an asshole when they first met, he didn’t speak like that. And it genuinely felt like he meant it. 

So she pushed herself to her feet, immediately avoiding any eye contact from anyone as she got up and made her way out of the cafeteria, numbed by how Harrison had acted, so much she didn’t even glance at him on her way out. She swallowed hard, genuinely feeling like she was going to cry or throw up before she had moved slowly down the hallway. She walked for a good twenty minutes, not paying attention to anything up until the point where she didn’t know who she was and didn’t even see the nurse until she ran into her. The nurse was a familiar face and asked if Amelia was okay because she looked sick. Amelia wasn’t going to say anything, but blurted out the worry she had for Harrison at the time. Which was when the nurse had explained everything to her. And her heart sank to her stomach. Mainly because Harrison hadn’t told her, and she couldn’t blame him. It hurt her so much. 

The nurse had to leave, and so did Amelia. She needed to stop herself from even thinking about seeking Harrison out again, and what would be better than going to the studio and dancing until it was late enough so she’d sleep. So that’s where she headed after picking up her things from their room. And that was where she stayed until 12:30am.

[mentalharrison-blog]

He took his time walking towards the table where more juice was waiting for him. There were eyes on him and he knew it but he paid no mind to them. Harrison had learned to block out the other patients years and year ago. If he didn’t want them to exist then they didn’t, and he was thankful he’d learned that skill at a young age. He’d been hoping that Amelia would be gone when he got back to the table and she was. He finished off his food slowly. An altercation at the table next to him was almost turned into a full blown fist fight when one of the patients accused the other of stealing their bread roll, or something ridiculous, and he took that as his cue to leave. 

Harrison’s day went exactly as he told Amelia it was going. He laid in the rec room under a window in the sun until two, and then went to the doctor’s office where he gave answers to the regular questions and talked about whether or not his medication was working and if he’d had any strange side effects to the new ones he’d been put on. It had all gone smoothly and from there he’d sat in a chair by the nurses station, somehow comforted by their authoritative company even if they had other things to do and didn’t constantly pay attention to him. After a few hours of just sitting and trying not to think he was on his way to his evening therapy session that lasted a good three, almost four hours. He left feeling conflicted, not knowing if it had helped him or if it had just uncovered a bunch of new feelings and memories that he didn’t want to have. Either way he was thankful for the time all the staff members-- doctors included-- had given him today because it was times like these where he needed their patience and understanding. 

And now that it was all done and almost everyone was in their rooms for the night, he was left alone with himself. It was the most dangerous time for him but also the most relaxing as he didn’t have to worry about snapping at anyone or convining them to leave him alone. He didn’t have to talk about his feelings or his past. And, as usual when he was feeling emotional, he couldn’t get comfortable in bed so he’d made his way into the bathroom and climbed into the empty bathtub. Curling himself into a fetal position, he laid there for what must have been an hour or so until his thoughts finally started to break through the brick wall he’d put around them and he started to cry. It started off slow and gentle but soon he was sobbing-- albeit quietly-- so hard that his shoulders were shaking and he was gasping for breath. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

Amelia still remained quiet for most of the time she was sitting across from Harrison. Her face and her heart both sunk when he moved his hand away from hers. A part of her wanted to convince herself he didn’t mean to move his hand, but for the most part she knew he did. Moving her hands into her lap to fidget, Amelia looked down still speaking fairly quietly. ‘Did you want me to take some time out and come with you?’ She inquired, glancing up at him. ‘We could take a nap before dinner.’ But even though she was suggesting it, a part of Amelia knew it would be denied. She sat in silence for a few moments before looking up at Harrison. ‘Can we at least talk about what’s wrong?’ She asked, speaking a little louder now.

[mentalharrison-blog]

He shook his head, “I’m just going to lay in the rec room for awhile and then I’ve got to see my doctor at two,” Harrison was getting more and more on edge. The more she talked to him and the more he had to deny and evade what she was saying, the more irritated he became. He just wanted to be left alone so he could eat his feelings and go to sleep. He let out a deep sigh, “I’m fine,” He said through gritted teeth before taking another bite of his sandwich. Harrison waited a bit again before almost snapping the words at her, “Nothing’s wrong. Jesus Christ, can’t I want some time to myself without something having to be wrong?” His voice had gotten a little louder and he’d actually looked up at her as he spoke before he picked up the Styrofoam cup and down the rest of his apple juice. He pushed the chair back and walked over towards the table by the kitchen door to get more. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

[ame-ellis]

Of course Amelia had noticed something different about Harrison at this time. But she thought that maybe someone had bugged him during one of the group sessions and she’d be able to cheer him up a little or get him to talk about it so he could feel better. Though she frowned when he barely responded to her just as she sat down across from him at the small table, still frowning at the unusual amount of food on his tray and the way he was surely avoiding eye contact with her, which was definitely what she was more concerned about at the moment. ‘I had enough at breakfast.’ She said softly, suddenly feeling the mood of hers turning down. Everything wasn’t okay with Harrison and she didn’t know why. But she spoke the truth, with her meds she wasn’t able to balance a lot of food so she would usually skip a meal during the day because she genuinely felt full. 

‘Anyway, I thought that maybe we could ditch lunch.’ She said, still speaking softly because now she felt with how Harrison was acting, she’d have to step on egg shells around him. It was then that she moved her hand across the table to rest it on his bigger one. That usually made him calm down a little. ‘Maybe go for a walk or something. Take lunch outside. I haven’t seen you all day.’ She said, genuinely sounding upset at this point. ‘You weren’t in the room this morning and I freaked out and thought you’d be at the group sessions. But you weren’t. And you weren’t around for my therapy session.’ It became a custom for Harrison to at least come in to her therapy sessions to hold her hand or just be outside waiting for her so she felt less anxious. But he wasn’t today. She sat through the whole thing but barely spoke, unable to stop worrying about where Harrison was.

[mentalharrison-blog]

“I’d rather stay inside,” He stabbed some macaroni and brought the fork to his mouth, thankful for the taste. Harrison felt almost starving when he was distraught and he could eat a thousand times his own weight if they gave him enough food to do so, “I had an extra private session this morning so I wasn’t in group,” He only let her hand touch his for a few seconds before he pulled it back and used it to take a sip of the cup of apple juice sitting beside his lunch tray. Part of him said he should apologize for making her panic but then again he wasn’t exactly trying to make her stick around him. If he apologized, he figured that’s exactly what she would do. He took another bite of his sandwich and waited until he swallowed to speak again, “I’m just going to eat lunch and then go lay down for awhile,” Harrison found himself wondering if they’d give him more food if he asked for it, instead of focusing on the conversation or Amelia sitting across from him. 

[ame-ellis]

The Anniversary // Harelia

Something had happened this morning to Amelia that hadn’t happened for well over two years. She woke up alone. Something that was foreign to her. She was never away from Harrison. Almost ever. They were attached by the hip. And she woke up only to have an anxiety attack, rushing around their room to find him, looking in the bathroom and running into the hall where she met a nurse, who she immediately questioned about Harrison’s whereabouts. Of course the nurse had assured Amelia that Harrison was perfect fine and had just gotten up early to go around and get things done and have some to himself. Although it was something Harrison hadn’t done in a long while, Amelia had excepted the fact that he just isolated himself for a few hours. She couldn’t blame him and often she felt the same way. It was always good to have some alone time. But she hated being away from Harrison for too long. It killed her. She felt so unsafe and fragile being in the group activities without some kind of knowledge that Harrison was gonna be around somewhere for her. But today, he wasn’t. And it terrified her and annoyed her so much to think that she didn’t feel safe and secure on her own. 

Though, she managed to wait out the whole day, keeping her head down up until lunch. She moved into the cafeteria with the help of some of the staff, even though she was one of the patients who had the knowledge of where the cafeteria was. She was short. Too short for her liking. So to go onto her toes to find Harrison was difficult over the heads of those who were very much taller than her. But she spotted him, by himself towards the back corner of the room. The small girl had to push her way through the dense crowd of patients to make her way over to Harrison, but soon she was beside Harrison and she had sighed in relief and exhaustion. It was a lot of work to get through the crowd, at least for Amelia. She looked over at Harrison, not quite able to see his face properly, but over the noise of everyone she managed to speak. ‘I missed you.’ 

[mentalharrison-blog]

The night before was when the uncomfortable feelings started. After all these years, he still couldn’t push away the pain and the flashbacks and the anger and heartache of being dumped here. In the past it was easier for him to deal with it, as he didn’t have Amelia. He pushed his feelings down and turned them, instead, into anger and bitterness. Everyone knew that the day of and the days surrounding his anniversary of check in were his worst. Most patients avoided him. They knew he was a force not to be reckoned with and kept their distance from him. The staff was always kinder to him on those days than any other and excused his rudeness and his anger. He had extra therapy sessions the week of and the week after, usually an hour session in the mornings and a two and a half hour session in the evening. Harrison would never admit it but he needed those sessions and depended on them to function properly. 

Now that he had Amelia, people would assume that it would be easier for him, but it wasn’t. It was more difficult. He couldn’t ignore the pain and the memories because she wouldn’t have let him, at least that’s what he believed. It was obvious, by the surprised looks on the staff’s faces, that they’d expected him to handle this year better with Amelia around, now that they’d gotten as close as they had. Everyone had expected him to rid his angry, bitter attitude, even during this time of year, but that wasn’t the case. He’d asked Amelia to let him sleep in his own bed alone and was out of the room before she was even slightly awake. He’d avoided her, and everyone else, all day long and kept him self secluded as much as he possibly could. But lunch time was inevitable and he knew Amelia would come find him, even in his spot hidden towards the corner of the small cafeteria. Instead of looking up or responding with his words, he only let out a small noise of what could have been agreement. Harrison continued to stir around the macaroni on his plate before picking up his sandwich and taking a big bite out of it. While other people lost their appetite in times of emotional trauma, Harrison’s grew about three times his normal appetite and he was almost always hungry during times of turmoil, “Aren’t you gonna go get food,” His voice was quiet and flat and he still didn’t look up at her, the hood of his dark sweater pulled over his head. 

[mentalharrison-blog]

[mentalharrison-blog]