[ame-manquante]

i know it's back when i'm here. writing. spilling words that I don't want others to hear. i guess this is my safe space.

after 2 years, i'm back with the restless thoughts. nights are longer and colder, and i'm just here staring upwards asking Him why do i need to go through this again. why am i locked again with endless, flowing thoughts and scenarios.

for 2 straight years i've been the happiest. is this happening in order to compensate for my happiness? yes, i think so.

[ame-manquante]

confession pt.1

Mahirap aminin sa sarili ko pero baka nga.

Baka nga tuluyan na akong natalo sa laro nating dalawa.

Baka nga nandito na naman ako sa lugar na walang kasiguraduhan.

Baka nga nadala na ako sa mga banat mong sapul na sapul ako.

Baka nga nakuha mo ako sa pag kamusta at pangungulit.

Baka nga nakulbit ang puso ko sa kantang inalay mo sa akin.

Baka lang naman..

Pero..

Baka nga nahulog na ako sa'yo.

Gusto ko mang itanggi pero di kaya ng damdamin kong naghuhurmentado pag nakita na ang mukha mo.

Gusto kong sabihing hindi, pero 'di ko na mapigilan ang pagkabog at pagsabog ng kilig.

Mahirap aminin, mas lalong mahirap sabihin.

Kasi hindi nga tayo pwede.

Marami ang kokontra pag nalaman nila.

Marami ang magtataka kung bakit ba ako?

Marami ang mag-iisip ng masama sa'yo.

Basta mas maraming dahilan kung bakit di tayo pwede.. at iisa lang ang dahilan kung bakit naman pwede..

O sige aaminin ko na.

Gusto na nga kita, o baka Mahal na nga kita.

Wala namang makakaalam di ba? Kung hindi ako at ang piyesang ito na hindi mo naman mababasa kailanman.

#

[040819]

[ame-manquante]

11:11

"11:11 na, go wish ka na."

Napatingin ako sa relo ko, tama ka.

Humingang malalim at pumikit, sana totoo na lang lahat ng ito. Sobra na ang nararamdaman ko sana totoo na lang lahat.

Minulat ko ang mga mata ko. 11:12 na.

"Anong winish mo?"

Hingang malalim.

"Ano muna sayo?"

"Wala secret. Baka hindi magkatotoo. Eh yung sa'yo?"

Hingang malalim. Pigilan ang nginig ng mga kamay.

"Wala di ko naabutan. 11:12 na nung nakita ko."

Wala di ko sasabihin kasi baka hindi rin magkatotoo. Mahirap na.

#

[042519]

[ame-manquante]

[042419]

QUESTIONS pt.1

how can I remind myself not to cross the boundary if you crossed it already?

how can I assure myself it wasn't a trap? A trap that will make me fall so deep again

how can I calm myself, knowing the end of all these?

how can I stop asking questions to myself? will this one stay? I'm already attached to him what could I do to stop myself? what if? how could?

questions that you probably won't answer.

what if you're just used to my company? what if you're just used to talking to me? what if you don't feel the same way I feel? what if I'm already in depth but you're still on the surface? that's one of my fears.

what if you found my flaws and suddenly the feeling you feel now disappear? what would I do? what will happen to my heart?

I'm already bruised, I'm already scarred of the past. how can I assure myself that I wouldn't break once again? I'm fucking scared to risk even a small part of me. I'm so scared to give and I'm scared to accept the feelings you give to me.

I need to clear my mind. I need to set things in my head. And by the time I'm already prepared will you still be there for me?

#

[ame-manquante]

I want to be loved by you.

[ame-manquante]

;

If I'm gone. No one will ever notice. No one will even care.

People always choose to push me away. Totally gone from their lives.

Living this kind of life is suffocating. Living a life where your existence is nonsense. Where you doesn't matter.

[051317]

#

[ame-manquante]

dropping some old journal entries. just for me to have records of my writing style. i want to delete them from my phone for me to stop myself and my fucking mind to remember everything again.

I. WANT. TO. FORGET.

[ame-manquante]

You're not everybody's temporary girl. Love is true kaya sa tingin ko you only shower your love with someone not worthy enough to have you. You deserve something, hindi mo man matanggap ngayon I know God will give it to you someday. Kaya kapit lang don't let yourself down madaming nagmamahal sayo. I love you, friend.

Thank you anon. Sorry for this late reply. I really appreciate the words. ❤

[ame-manquante]

He asked me tonight.

"Why do you love sunsets, the moon, the night? Why do you love the sky too much?"

Looking up brings peace unto my inner soul.

Seeing how calm or how rough the sky is, made me realize everyone is vulnerable — in their own special way.

Everyone is specially crafted and so they have their own edges. Some are sharp that can actually do harm, some are circular, some are just the normal edges.

The sunset, the moon, the night, the sky in general, is a sign for me. A sign that could lead me or do the otherwise.

I asked him back.

"Do you know how long it took, for a star be born, shine and die eventually? and then be replaced by some other star?"

He looked closely.

It seems like he knows what I meant.

He answered.

"I don't know exactly. But a long long long time."

I nodded. And he smiled bitterly.

Sadly, you can forget memories. The mind can forget things. But the heart can't unlove someone. The heart only finds someone to love again — a greater love. A love that encompasses the first. A greater love.

And to find another person to love, greater than the love I gave you will take me a long long long long time.

Hope to see you smiling always. Eyes don't lie. Remember that.

[030118]

[ame-manquante]

To be loved by someone like you, is one of my greatest experience in this lifetime. You took me to places I’ve never been. You made me felt things I’ve never felt before. You let me knew things you know. Both of us shared ourselves to each other.

I can say that, we both saw ourselves naked.

Naked.

Without word filters.

Without masks.

Naked truth.

Ending such relationship is hard.

Maybe she’ll love you better.

Or maybe she can give you things, I didn’t give you.

All I wish for is your happiness.

If she can give you all the happiness you deserve then so be it. Be happy, Nigga.

#

[021018]

[ame-manquante]

Please don't make me your bridge, just to be with someone.

You chose the wrong person. I'm not that sturdy to guide you to her. I might break in between.

I'm too damaged to be a bridge, boy.

#

[021018]

[ame-manquante]

Everything happened tonight, was fucking too much for me to handle.

I'm so stressed and drained in all aspects.

It took me 3 hours to go home. Unusual.

Its of the same time, place and manner. It seems like I did our breakup scene once again. This time, alone.

Home doesn't feel like one. Nothing new, actually.

Scolded and shouted several times. Just because I'm being myself again.

I took a really short nap because I thought sleeping would help me.

But no.

I was awaken by a really loud voice. Shouting. Asking why am I sleeping in the middle of the night. Why do I look terribly tired. What took me so long to go home.

"Tumatambay ka lang naman eh! Di ka talaga pumapasok!"

But I'm not affected at all.

A little maybe. But I'm used to it.

Since, they said I'm just slacking off. I prepared myself to do, the things that must be done, to only find out I lost everything.

EVERYTHING. ALL. NOTHING LEFT.

I comforted myself.

"Kaya yan. Makakahanap ka ulit ng kopya nyan."

So I checked everything.

At least I've got copies of some. There's just a little more to mend.

Then I saw him liked my post.

Then he liked her post. With their picture together.

And again, scenes play in my mind endlessly.

Then I saw him post.

No feelings at all. Yeah.

Tonight, I realized some things.

1. All my efforts are not appreciated, then considered wasted.

2. I'm everybody's temporary girl. When people got bored of me and my identity. They will throw me away.

3. Being me. Is a sin.

4. I'm not really the "strong independent woman" I always think I am.

5. I hide. My defense mechanism is my own façade.

There you go.

Sad.

#

[020918]

[ame-manquante]

W I S H

Just be happy with her.

Remember that, for me, you deserve all the happiness.

Just be happy in everything you have right now.

Be happy and we’re quits.

#

[012518]

[pre-party]

[lilboreddev-blog]

REBLOG IF YOU LOVE DOGS

[poeticfog]

9 million people fucking love dogs

[tracknumber06]

Here we come 10.

[buttss-and-bluntss]

If you don’t reblog this you’re a horrible person

[jadeitor-art]

FOR THE PUPPIES!!!

[rolanslide]

we have done it, my fellow good boys

[kaelee1340]

LET US CONTINUE THIS JOURNEY

[kumplikado-deactivated20200201]

HELLO?

[ame-manquante]

back. 

[ame-manquante]

K A H A P O N

"Nagsinungaling pa siya sayo, sinabi niyang may problema siya para maghiwalay kayo, tapos ngayon agad-agad may iba na siya."

"Sinabi pa niyang sa lahat ng problema niya ikaw yung pinakamahirap bitawan. Pero bakit parang di naman."

Baka nga mali ako ng akala sa pagmamahal niya.

Baka nga mali ako ng akala na isa ako sa mga dyamante sa buhay niya tulad ng kanyang mga sinambit noon.

Baka nga may problema sa akin.

Baka di pala siya yung mali. Baka nga ako.

Baka mali yung minahal ko siya nang ganoon kalalim at katindi.

Baka mali na sumubok akong pakalmahin ang matagal nang nangangalit na alon ng dagat.

Minsan naiisip ko, ganoon ba talaga ako kawalang-halaga sa mundong ito? Para ganoon na lang din kadali't kabilis isantabi't itapon?

Minsan naisip ko, minahal ba niya talaga ako? Totoo ba talaga lahat ng mga mabubulaklak na salitang lumabas sa bibig niya noon, o wala lang pala yun lahat?

Napaikot lang ba nila talaga ako?

Napaikot mo lang ba talaga ako sa mga salitang "Mahal kita"?

Tama ang anak ko, kung mahirap akong bitawan. Hindi ganun kadaling mapalitan ang pwesto ko sa gitna ng mga braso mo. Kaso hindi. Mukhang planado na. Mula sa pagkakakilala natin hanggang sa kung paano mo dudurugin ang puso ko.

TANGA KO.

Kakawang puso ko. Simula pa lamang pala ay talo na. Pinilit ko pa. Nilaban ko pa. Simula pa lang pala, wala na. Simula pa lang patay na dapat ako.

#

[011118]