Man...dreams are weird. This morning (while sleeping) I dreamed that I had decided to freeze my eggs bc I was on the fence about having kids (which I am in real life). But when I went to the egg bank to collect, I learned that there had been a mix up and now some B celebrity couple (no idea who they are aupposed to be) had accidentally used my eggs to conceive a child. Next thing I knew, I am stalking these poor poeople and contemplating how to steal their newborn baby. The emotions I felt were so intense that when I awoke I still had all of this rage and baby-envy in me, plus self doubt and confusion. My morning was completely ruined by all this.
Also in my dream, my hands were covered in warts and blisters.
I am led to believe that in my dream I might have been a modern day evil witch who was about to steal someone's baby for my own.
And I don't know what to do with this new info on my subconscious. 🤔😖
um...did tumblr lift the nudity ban. after making my weekly "woe is me" update, I scolled down to see a recommended post of a penis in a chastity cage. And it was under a random tag i follow. wtf?
is relationship permanence a thing with ADHD people or am I just making that up?
Like do you also feel the same way about people when you see them after 3 weeks or 3 years, even after little to no contact? To the point where you come off as overly warm and friendly and make people you used to know uncomfortable?
Guess who committed to monthly counseling and going back on antidepressants (and doubling the dose)?
This bitch!
I am going to try Cerebral since it seems to be low cost and I can pay for it with my HSA funds. I talked to my prescriber today and she was super sweet.
I kust watched an indepth breakdown of the character arc of Rory Gilmore, and not one article or book I have ever read has told me more about myself, my lifeand my current predicament. Apprarently, the answer to my exestential crisis is to actually struggle for a goal, which I, a former gifted millenial, have never had to truly do. Lol. life is truly weird.
One would usually think a mental breakdown is a sign of mental unwellness. But I honestly feel more sane than I have ever have.
For most of my life, life just kind of happened to me. I wasn't an active participant. I went to college and got a degree in accounting because someone else suggested that my mild personality would be best suited for it.
But that sweet and soft personality wasn't really me. I had been affected by parental trauma and emotional abuse. I was scared. All i wanted at that time was to get a good job when I got out. I chose the business route and stuck to it.
Now I am a CPA with supervision over several projects. But I do not feel fulfilled. This is an extremely privleged life. I am very aware of that, and that is what's making this so hard to deal with. Other people would gladly take the job that I have grown weary of, and probably be better at it.
I think what i experienced yesterday, for the first time really, was profound grief. It was as if I just learned someone important to me died. And that person was the little dreamer I was before life happened to me. And I miss her terribly. I don't know what i am going to do yet about it. But i have to do something to honor her memory.
This morning I had an existential breakdown and read my tarot. discussion below.
So I woke up sobbing this morning. Full on ugly crying. This was probably triggered by a night spent staying up late getting hyper focused and creeping on other people’s social media. Not a healthy habit, I know.
Anyways, I cleaned my bathroom (still bawling) and did my morning chores. Then, I collapsed in front of my seldom used and often forgotten altar, where i used to go meditate and do witchy stuff back in the day. I rarely do anything witchy nowadays, so let’s be clear that this is a rare occurrence for me. I hardly ever do anything remotely spiritual here lately.
I lit some candles and I just talked it out. Aired all my troubles to the universe, just so I could get it out of me, instead of keeping those thoughts being trapped in my head. Some would call this praying. Maybe it is I guess.
I woke up with the very unnerving feeling of being dissatisfied with my life. I am sure everyone had been there. I have been there many times, myself, but this was different. I had almost everything a girl could want. A good job, my own house, cool clothes, a loving fiancé, etc. I mean what the hell else could I ask the universe for? How could i expect anymore? What more did I deserve?
As you get older, you think back on your childhood. The good, the bad, the ugly of it. The good, for me, was dreaming up what I would do when I grew up. I remember wanting to be Steve Irwin, Sam Neill from Jurassic Park, Brendan Fraser in the Mummy... And yeh, I realize a lot of my role models were men, and that has it’s own discussion that need to be unpacked. I wanted to be an adventurer and a hero. I would wander for hours outside. I would catch bugs and seek out small creatures like turtles ( probably terrorizing the whole ecosystem).
Somehow, I lost this adventurous part of myself. I am well aware that this is a normal thing that happens to adults, but this morning I really grieved it. It was as if the little girl, that still lived inside of me, finally realized that her life was not going to be like that. She was not going to go on all the adventures that she dreamed about. She made the wrong choices. She let other people chip away all that courageousness, and some of it wasn’t even her fault. She felt the need to hide who she was, so she would not be a target of bullying or abuse. What is left is a shell of an adult, who thoroughly does not like her life anymore.
I am not suicidal. I am just highly disappointed and so lost. It may be immature to feel that way, but I can’t suppress it any longer.
So back to the tarot reading above.
From left to right, The first card represents my past. I believe this to be the recent past few years, because it is full of happiness and merriment. That would be a good descriptions. My life went from bad enough to develop stress-based alopecia to not a bad life at all. I had friends again, and someone who made me feel safe. This is a time in my life I will always treasure, even if it came just after something terrible.
The second card represents my current situation. You can look at it and just see how I feel right now. I am having to try to carry around all this baggage and feelings, as well as try to be a functioning adult. And it’s just no use. I can’t carry it all. This isn’t working. Hence this morning’s breakdown.
The third card is the future if nothing changes. This card represents a dutiful and serviceable person. They are utilitarian in nature, and they do what is responsible. This person is not a bad person, and we sure as hell need people like that in the world. But I don’t want that to be me. Yeh, I’m fucking done with being like that.
The fourth (upper one) represents an obstacle to your goal. In this case, (per my notes) its mental alienation. I have been struggling with that for quite sometime. I have tried so hard to open myself up, but where I come from, I am at the mercy of public opinion. My job is based on reputation, and people like me aren’t supposed to have “extreme” views. We are supposed to be moderates. But I feel so strongly about things, so instead I bite my tongue and pretend to be a good little girl who know nothing about politics or social issues. WRONG!
The fifth card represents the tool you will need to overcome the obstacle. It is what we call a major arcana, which means it is very important. It is something pivotal. And if you can’t read the font, it is the Justice card...and it is upside down. In this case I am going to literally going to interpret that as the reverse of justice, which is injustice. Now some of you might wonder, how can injustice help you. And some of you already know that instances of injustice has led to so much change and organizations of like minded people.
The last card is the future if the obstacle is cleared. This particular card reversed represents the promise of a future. It only comes across as vaguely good. There is no overt guarantee that things will be the way I dreamed they would, but it will be something different than the past.
So i am taking this as the universe telling me that I have got to stop hiding and alienating myself. I have got to change the direction of my life if I want to be something more than a worker drone. Not a famous hero, just someone good. And it all has to start with standing up for not only myself but other people and planet as well (I am dirty hippy deep down inside). I need to be a force for good. I don’t just want to donate money to a non-profit (but you definitely still should), I want to give them my labor and my time. I think I want to work for one maybe. I have no fucking clue how to make that happen, but I am putting it out there anyway.
I also want to keep getting healthier and get outside. I feel trapped by my body and this house. But these are things I can change. I can change who I am. Because who I am right now, is not who I am meant to be.
Thank you for reading the processing of my mental breakdown. I am going to go blow my nose and fold my laundry. Be Kind.
to extend the metaphor: when you’re at the beginning of your recover (less kindly known as rock bottom), you have a garden full of moles. you have a mole popping up every 5 seconds, and maybe it’s the same hyperactive mole, maybe it’s a bunch of moles taking turns, but whether they all look the same, you have a garden full of the fuzzy bastards.
so you pick up a mallet and start hitting. maybe you’re bad at using the mallet, maybe you get better over time, but after a while you get tired, bc you’ve been at it for ages and a mole is still popping up every 5, 10 seconds. what you don’t realize is, you’ve actually nerfed a lot of the moles. it’s just now there’s more space for the other ones to come to the surface and start making noise. but if you keep. swinging. the mallet. eventually they’re gonna slow down.
My recovery began when I started treating my depression & moved away from an abusive environment. It took a long time for me to realize I was recovering, bc as soon as one thing improved, another popped up. As my depression improved, I became more alert and active–and discovered that my brain fog & self-isolation had inadvertently been covering up my sensory issues. I had enough energy to start school again–and bc I wasn’t sleeping & lounging all day, I was suddenly aware of my concentration issues. One mole bites the dust, another pops up.
but the secret is: there are a finite number of moles in the universe.
4 years I’ve been wacking away at these fuckers with a mallet. I’ve taken turns wacking depression and its cronies suicidal ideation & self-harm, followed in succession by previous dormant crap related to anxiety, adhd, spd, c-ptsd, and other 👎 acronyms. And behold: progress. (Atm i’ve finally convinced the furry piece of shit called Executive Dysfunction to come out of the ground, which is exciting bc wrangling this bastard means finally getting to work on longterm personal projects again.) Moles still pop up from time to time, but my life has a lot more space for me in it
the moral of this story is: if u hit a mole over the head for long and hard enough eventually it learns to mind its own beeswax. KEEP WACKING
germansingergirl
gummygunk
vaporwave
annaxmalina
jacobvanloon
theartofmadeline
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
