[cherryandsisters-deactivated202]

[idleminds]

[anactualpedophile]

i am 25 and realizing mayb i should finally get some help for my fucking mental health. like how long does a person need to be sad for until they realize that maybe something is actually wrong?? dumbass. really took me actively thinking about wanting to die for over a month to then think “maybe there’s some medicine to help w dat.” i hate myself but i kind of want to live still

[anactualpedophile]

after your third message left unanswered and a call from auntie that exposes that i am in fact at home, you call me and i pick up. we have an 8 minute conversation. you ask lots of questions. my answers are short. you pretend everything is normal but you know it’s not. you pretend like i am not angry and i am not hurt. after we hang up, i let out a breath i didn’t know i was holding. i cry a little. i don’t feel as grown up as i thought i was. but i still think i’m more grown-up than you think i am. 

[anactualpedophile]

on friday, while the boys waited for their parents to pick them up after class i went out to say hello. roy, hugo and max bugged me relentlessly in chinese, which is nothing new. i ducked behind taylor and told him to help me. 50/50 on whether he’d join in and taunt me in chinese or ignore us entirely. he got up and laughingly pushed one of the boys away and started trying to tell them to quit it. how do i say this? he is my sweetest boy and my little protector and he grows taller every day and one day all his teeth will fall out and be replaced by adult teeth. one day he will be taller than me and he will know english teachers other than me. i think i only write here when my kids do something that make me think about how much i will miss them when i leave. 

i think a lot about mom and dad getting older, about how paralyzing my fear of the future and of getting older is. i didn’t realize how much it would hurt to watch my kids grow up too. looking at old videos and pictures of them dancing around a sunny, bright classroom and then seeing them in the fluorescent lighting of our first grade classroom and writing quizzes and homework and homework and homework. how big they are now. how tall max and emma and william are. the way they ask me if i know who hugo is (i do now, anyway) and knowing that their worlds will just keep getting bigger. one day i won’t be their teacher. and i know i can’t be their teacher forever but wouldn’t it be nice? just to keep teaching them to be good to each other and read environment books together and talk about saving the world. wouldn’t that be nice? 

[narttebyo]

[anactualpedophile]

i just want to be happy. god. it’s all i want.

[dumini]

[anactualpedophile]

yesterday i had my last exercise time, my last day of games and colouring and pictures and laughter, my last big big doggie pile with my kids. in the next month they’ll go to elementary school. isaac caught me on my way out to tell me, in fast words, that he will miss me. he cried when i left. i looked inside the room when i passed it to remember the last time they would sit in the tiny chairs and eat snack time buns. the last time they existed together as a class. i cried on my walk home.

last night janelle and i left the apartment for the last time together, her with her suitcases and me with my last few things. we hugged goodbye and i wished her a safe trip. when she comes back she’ll find another place to live. after that i went for drinks with two friends who will leave taiwan to go travelling and home to the states on monday.

today i handed back the keys to the old apartment. sat down on my old mattress in the living room and said thank you and goodbye to the house. i came back to a new home. a lot smaller. the first floor smells like cigarette smoke when you walk in. i’ve killed two spiders and chased out a cockroach in the few days i’ve spent in it. it makes me feel too big and too alone. i’m not trying to be dramatic. it just makes me sad to say goodbye to things and people.

[moviecapss]

[unchildhood]

[anactualpedophile]

mom put her hand on my head and said, “i used to want you to grow up and become responsible quickly, but lately i have been wondering if you can just slow down and be little a while longer. maybe if i press your head down you will become small again.”

i think i like being here and being this age and doing what i’m doing. but the whole time they were here i held mom’s hand and felt like a little girl showing her my world. and then i remembered that she is getting older and one day her fingers won’t be nimble enough to braid my hair anymore. how do i stop time? how do i help you live forever?

[anactualpedophile]

maybe it was just bc u were hammered and i was stoned but we held hands n it was good. i looked up at the stars with blurry eyes and smelled campfire and everyone sounded like they were light years away.

[anactualpedophile]

just wanna use you to feel something. isn’t that why u want me??

...maybe it’s not the same

[anactualpedophile]

when i was on the phone with mom the other night, she asked if i was happy. i don’t think she’s ever asked that before. i said yes and i think she felt it. and i am. i think i am. but just when i get there it slips thru my fingers. i don’t know why i’m programmed to be so fucking sad. 

[unchildhood]

NELSON MANDELA X NGUAN

(more of Nguan’s photography here)

[anactualpedophile]

i’m realizing now that maybe i thought that if i slept with u i would be less empty inside. i mean.. i technically was but it didn’t fix shit. it’s been months and i haven’t thought of u much since and u probably haven’t thought of me much but i guess this is for me to remember. that other people aren’t medicine.