Oh wow, how lovely

not really sure what this is anymore.

[anahs1995]

the things i wish i could say to you right now

but i obviously won’t

more like... i obviously can’t. 

hey, i know i shouldn’t be reaching out but i just have so many questions. i feel like my response to your news was simply out of shock, you must understand. and you have every right not to answer or respond, but i have nothing to really lose here. 

first and foremost, i truly do appreciate you telling me. i’m not anyone special to you, really. just some girl you see on some nights on some weeks for a few hours and have sex with, drink with, smoke with and talk with in your room. i am no girlfriend of yours or anything special. so it means a lot to me that you chose not to just completely ghost me or disappear on me with no explanation. as much as it might not mean anything to you, it means a lot to me to know that you at least respect me or at least care about me enough to be open & honest.

i feel like my “congratulations!” was a little too much considering, i don’t actually know how you’re feeling about it. from what i picked up from our hangouts, i don’t think children were in your plans any time soon. hell, we toasted the last time i saw you to the fact that i had gotten my period and that i thankfully wasn’t pregnant. i took plan b that one time because we both agreed it was the right thing to do since neither of us obviously wanted a little baby on the way, and little do you know, i took it two weeks before that time too because of you again, just to be safe. and now, here you are: entering into fatherhood sometime this year. 

i don’t know how you’re feeling and i apologize if my “congratulations!” was too much and inconsiderate about how you must be feeling and if you’re still processing the news that you revealed to me too. and there’s the other perspective where you were so adamant that we get plan b because you knew about the baby the entire time. 

truth is, since you told me the news, i realized that i don’t know a lot of things about you at all. which terrifies me because i thought i was developing a pretty good understanding about who you were as a person and it makes me wonder who it was i was going over to see all those late nights these past several weeks. and i’m not the type of person to do all the things we did or spend as much time as i did hanging with someone i barely even know. but since the news that you revealed, i feel like you’re just a complete stranger to me. and its the complete opposite of how i felt when i’d actually be in your presence. 

i have so many questions. so many. and the first one is just to ask how you’re feeling about becoming a father. to me, parenthood sounds extremely terrifying. to be responsible for an entire person besides yourself is scary. i don’t know if you’re feeling super excited or if you’re scared shitless. you said you were “reluctant” in sharing the news but felt it was necessary to tell me. i don’t know if the reluctance comes from having to share that news with me or if the reluctance comes from the news itself. 

second question. how long have you known about the baby? it’s been eating me up inside to know whether this was something you just recently found out or if you had known that you were going to have a child this entire time but continued to do the things we did. and i guess it goes hand-in-hand with my third question. were you and are you in a committed relationship with the mother of your child? it makes me sick to my stomach to think that i possibly was sleeping with you while you were in a relationship with someone who is carrying your child. i look down upon women who do that and to think that i possibly was a home-wrecker without knowing it makes me feel like absolute and complete shit, which is absolutely not fair to me or your baby mama. i don’t know what the relationship is between you and the mother of your child and i know have no right to pry or even know any of the information. it would just puzzle me so much if you only, just recently, found out about the baby from her and why it would take so long for her to tell you such huge news. 

as you can see, i’m in a weird dilemma trying to piece these puzzle pieces together because everything is so dependent on information that you have every right to keep to yourself. 

it sucks because a part of me feels like you’re lying. 20% of me believes you’re lying and that this is just some sick, twisted tactic to get me to stop talking to you completely without you having to ghost me. you couldn’t have picked a better time to reveal all of this than the day before April 1st. such bad timing. but the other 80% of me that feels like it knows you well enough, believes you’re telling the whole damn truth. that part of me doesn’t believe you’d ever lie about anything as serious as this because you’re just not that type of person.

despite all of this, i want to honestly say that i care about you. you’re cool. it is extremely rare to find someone who provides great sex, conversations with genuine substance and isn’t actually a complete asshole towards me. you’re a rarity and i’m grateful have experienced and gotten all three of those aspects from and with you. my friends would say i’m completely insane but even if we don’t continue having the “great sex” aspect because i obviously would not want to get involved in your future family in that way, i would, however, honestly love to keep you around in my life as a friend for the “conversations with genuine substance” and the “isn’t actually a complete asshole” parts. there are a good handful of people that i feel so naturally comfortable with and enjoy the presence of, and, believe it or not, you’re one of those few. i feel like that’s why us ending this thing we had has been hurting me a hell of a lot more than i imagined. 

[thunder]

via weheartit

[anahs1995]

i just want to be a part of the stars. 

i asked him in Hawaii if he had the chance, would he leave everything behind to travel to and explore another planet. he said no. and asked if i would. 

and i said yes. he looked surprised. so i explained. 

i’ve got nothing to lose. i might die up in space, but at least it would be one hell of an adventure. right? 

when a soul leaves this planet, i like to think that they become a part of the stars. they become some sort of part of the elements in the sky and universe. 

[anahs1995]

anxious

It just feels empty. Everything actually feels numb and all that you can think of are just sad feelings. Kind of like feeling stuck in a hole that doesn’t have any light except for the little bit of light at the very top. But it’s so far away... the light is so far away and you just feel... hopeless. Like you’ll never get out of the hole. 

The worst part is when you want to cry but your body doesn’t allow you to release the tears because you’re just that numb. It’s a choking feeling because along with that intense urge to want to release some sort of emotion, you gotta focus on your breathing too. Because right now, your breaths come in uneven spurts. There’s no rhythm to it and if you don’t focus on breathing, the choking feeling gets stronger and with all the thoughts flowing through your brain, you might forget to inhale and exhale. And you feel like passing out because there’s not enough oxygen reaching your brain. Not enough oxygen. Just thoughts. Dark thoughts. Sad thoughts. They just don’t go away. 

[realifedreamgirl]

[amortizing]

So much of her time spent like this: dreaming up things to say and never quite saying them.

 Colum McCann, Let the Great World Spin (via amortizing)

[anahs1995]

Serendipity

(n): the occurrence and development of events by chance in a happy or beneficial way 

Serendipity is what I would call the string of events that occurred from that weekend weeks ago. Yeah, I’m pretty annoyed with myself too by how much he still has a hold on me. At this point, it’s definitely the idea of him and the manifestations that my imagination create when I’m just missing him. Missing the idea of him. 

But it’s been a while since I had talked about him to anyone really. I was distracted, rightfully so, by the GRE and grad school. And in all honesty, I miss having that distraction and having a reason to not think about him. 

However, just this weekend, I opened up more to Justine about him and about the moments we shared. In addition to that, I also opened up about him again, this time, to Tamara. And there’s something about actually verbalizing your feelings for someone and hearing the words out loud of how you feel and what every moment meant to you that just hits you hard. 

And in the quiet moments I’ve had this weekend -- which have been plenty -- I’ve just been reminiscing on our memories together and my mind is fluttering back to all these “If only’s” and “what if’s” about him again. But this time around, I’m grateful that my mind has been able to also include “I”m glad that...” statements. Which is where serendipity just kicks in. 

I’m glad that I pushed my hesitation aside and agreed to buy a ticket to that island with my friends, despite how expensive they were. I’m glad that he bought a ticket to come to such a random and quiet island alone. But I’m especially glad that we ended up having our vacations align, even if it were for just a few days. 

I think about this often. When Rebecca originally told us about the idea of vacationing in Hawaii, we had two different weeks to choose from to have this vacation. A 50/50 chance. And I’m glad we ended up picking the week that we picked, otherwise, my path and his path would’ve never crossed. 

I’m glad that my friends all ended up with guys early on in the week and that I was feeling left out, because I otherwise wouldn’t have gone back on Tinder again. And I’m glad I redownloaded the app on my phone again after I became hesitant and deleted it shortly after swiping right for him. Because if I hadn’t redownloaded it, I would’ve never seen his message. 

I’m glad he had a car because we were able to explore so many parts of the island and I was able to share some of my favorite places with him too. I’m glad he was still down to hang out and grab a drink on my last night on the island despite him being up so damn early in the day and being sunburnt and exhausted. I’m glad that despite the rain and the storm and the clouds from prior days, the sky was so clear that night on the beach for us to just stargaze for hours. I’m glad that in my last night in Hawaii -- in my last moments spent with him -- it also happened to be a meteor shower. We wouldn’t have been able to make all those wishes on all those shooting stars together, let alone even see any stars and planets, on any other night. 

I mention it all the time, but that last and final night is what kills me each and every time. It sounds almost fake... like something straight out of a movie... but to this day, I’m still shocked at how real it all was. It’s all still so vivid to me and half of me wishes that it can stay this vivid in my memory for as long as possible, but the other half of me wishes it could all just fade away by tomorrow morning so I don’t have to keep yearning for impossible moments like that night. 

It just still rattles my mind: what are the odds that our paths would’ve crossed in this way? I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, but I’m still questioning and wondering what exactly was the universe’s purpose to have our paths cross for just a fleeting, but wonderful, moment? 

I’m just hoping that serendipity works again and that the universe has more plans for our paths to cross once again somewhere down the road. 

[anahs1995]

Thoughts . . .

Reminder to self: I’m not in love with him. I’m in love with the idea of him. 

Sure, we spent quality time together during my last few days there, but its that last and final night that I can’t seem to let go of. It was magical -- truly straight out of one of those cheesy rom-com movies. And honestly, I kind of hate it. 

I hate how much it’s put a hold on me. How our conversations and little moments together can’t seem to leave my hectic mind no matter how hard I try and try and try to leave it where it belongs: in the past. 

I’ve been riding on a high these past two weeks on the ideas and possibilities of “if only...” and “what if...” statements. It’s a high that stemmed from just a few hours with him. It eats me up inside because in that moment, I felt at peace; it was a comfort I hadn’t felt in a long while. And it was a really nice feeling. 

But it’s the idea of him that keeps me up at night. Those “if only”s and “what if”s yearning for another place and another time. Truth be told, being a hopeless romantic is my biggest downfall. My imagination runs wild, creating scenarios with this person that will probably never even happen and, in turn, just ends up hurting me. I set my expectations so high up just to always see it come crumbling down. And I don’t have anyone else to blame but myself. 

Cutting him off and really pulling myself back from continuing to reach out to him has taken a lot of out me. Do you ever realize how emotionally draining it is to have to stop yourself from reaching out to the one person your mind and heart has been dying to hear from? I remember doing this before, but it’s been such a long while, that it’s truly shocking to me how exhausted I feel at the end of every day that I don’t hear or speak to him. 

Maybe I need to go out and date more again. But that’s hard to do when I can’t help but compare everyone to him. 

[goodreadss]

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

Oscar Wilde (via goodreadss)

[anahs1995]

How nice, yet odd, is it to change the “lalashanaa” username I’ve had for 8 years? 

I needed more privacy with my posts on this blog. I didn’t want people in my life looking up my blog and reading things from my past and from my present. 

Anyway, here’s a life update:

Post-grad anxiety was really eating me up in the past few weeks. The fear of not knowing where I would be and what I would be doing during my gap year made me feel so helpless. I’m thankful for friends like Tamara who really pushed me and motivated me to just apply and apply and apply to whatever jobs I possibly could land. 

Luckily enough, I scored an interview with a business marketing/programming company located in Santa Monica called Shore. After the initial Skype interview, I was asked to come in for an in-person interview and to meet the rest of the team. The location is so perfect for a beach bum like me and I fell in love with the office and the people that work there. This week, I received a phone call from the CEO of the company saying that they wanted to hire me as their Customer Development Intern on their Sales Team. The internship is for 3 months (something for me to do over the summer) and had a really good monthly pay! 

One of my biggest fears for applying for a job for post-grad was that I had plans to travel to Europe for a little over two weeks and already bought the plane tickets to and from Madrid. I was afraid that I would have to chose between traveling or working. Luckily, this company is letting me get my traveling done and I’d be starting immediately once I arrive back to LA. 

I’m very thankful I got this opportunity, but I’m still applying to a ton of other things, because I ultimately want to get a job in a hospital setting. I do have my volunteering at Ronald Reagan, but I want a paid job that will give me more of an exposure to different areas of specialization in a healthcare setting. 

My classes are going really well. This school year has been incredible. I haven’t received anything less than a B in any of my classes and I don’t think I’ve ever received this many A’s in one college school year. Anything with a B- is already super upsetting to me. This is the first time where I haven’t received a single C or C+ in any of my quarters throughout a school year. I haven’t been this focused and satisfied with my academics since freshman year, before I got involved and distracted by my relationship with Jordan. 

Speaking of boys, I’ve found myself not having any time for them anymore. I’ve been talking to a few guys but none of them are worthy of me pursuing any sort of commitment with any of them and I, honestly, just don’t really have time for guys or a relationship considering everything else I’m excited for and have on my plate in terms of academics and post-grad plans. I have so much going on in my day every day that I’ll pass up these dates or hang outs to fuck just so I can take a nap, watch Netflix and relax.

I’m happy I’ve stopped feeling sad for myself and stopped thinking something was wrong with me whenever I would think about how no one wants to be committed to me. Thinking through it all, commitment isn’t even something that I really want -- if anything, it’s just something that I sometimes miss because it was such an easy crutch for me over the past two years. 

I’ve been blessed with a lot of great networking opportunities as well in the past recent weeks. I was able to meet UCLA’s Chancellor and got an invitation to a very intimate Fireside Chat event at the Chancellor’s Residence with about 12 other graduating seniors. I was able to meet other high UCLA officials and administrators including our Vice Chancellor. A week after the Chancellor’s event, I was able to meet with our Vice Chancellor one-on-one to get some casual career advice from him and then to also talk about the serious campus issues that I care about regarding destigmatizing mental health issues for students. It was a productive conversation and he connected me with the Director of UCLA’s student health services office and the Director of UCLA’s counseling and psychological services office too. 

I like the mindset that I’ve had this year in terms of prioritizing myself and making myself as successful as possible -- it’s my best look yet. 

[sachesky]

Chaotic Good brother.

[fangbreaker]

@she-got-the-jazz this is @rorycassie’s child

[invalid0000]

There is something extremely innocent in this that makes me smile and then there is something extremely terrifying in this that makes me hope and pray he uses his powers for good when he gets older!!!

[anahs1995]

dear you, 

i’m sorry i lied to you throughout the past few years. i was in denial about my feelings for that other person, and after this past weekend, i realize that the feelings for that other person never went away... even when i told you that i didn’t care about him at all anymore. 

i lied and i’m sorry. but i can’t change how i feel about people in my life. there are just those individuals who come and go in your life yet your feelings for them can never change no matter how hard you try to shake them off. 

i never felt so relieved and so stress-free and happy knowing that you were no longer tugging on me mentally and emotionally... that you were no longer holding me back from finally expressing how i feel and have felt for him. you held me back so much and i blame myself for getting my feelings mixed up and having my priorities all over the place. understanding and coming to terms with how i’ve felt over the past few years and truly realizing who and what i prioritize in my life lately, has helped to feel like i am completely and utterly over you now. 

i’m not bitter or hurt. i hope you’re moving on well and you’ve found happiness and when you have found that happiness and feeling of content, i will be the first to say “i’m happy for you”. i feel this way in the hopes that you also understand and wish the best for me and where i am in life right now and where i plan on going in the (very) near future. 

i know its not okay to compare, but i just couldn’t help it. my interactions with other people -- family, friends, boys -- show me that i am very well capable of deserving more than what you were able to provide and that i was settling a lot for you and for us. i was unmotivated and got too comfortable and lazy and seeing where i am in life right now, i promise myself that i won’t allow myself to get back to how i was when i was with you.... that if anyone that i choose to allow in my life the same i way i allowed you in my life, makes me feel as unmotivated and settled the way you made me, that person isn’t worth it at all.

[anahs1995]

It would be an understatement to say that I’ve been very overwhelmed lately. 

This past week has been so exhausting and looking at the next two weeks on my calendar makes me just wanna cry from exhaustion and stress. 

Last weekend felt so optimistic: seeing the turnout for Women’s March in LA and going home to see the turnout all over the world. I bought my first car too. Then it turned to shit. 

Trump’s administration has been shitting on my days every single day this past week. I can’t help but feel upset and feel angry from the actions and orders that are coming from the White House. I can’t help but feel the pain and unfairness and cruelty that his administration are putting on families in our country and outside our country. It’s all just so upsetting and it angers me when people just tell me to block it out and stop looking at the news. I can’t help it when it’s been affecting so many people in my life that it’s inevitable for me to be concerned and be in the loop. 

On top of what’s going on in the macrocosm of this country, I’ve been dealing with so many personal troubles. I lost my granduncle so abruptly early Saturday morning. My entire Friday was a whirlwind of emotions being in the hospital. My aunt that I’ve been very close to has been battling cancer and doesn’t have much time left either. My mom got into a car accident two weeks ago, followed by my grandparents getting into a car accident a week later. My car is the only car that’s working for my family and it’s just been hectic trying to manage rent-a-cars and buying cars, especially when we don’t have the money for a brand new car for my mom or grandpa. Finances have been a struggle and I’ve been so overwhelmed trying to pick up a second job doing whatever, just so I can have enough money to just eat and have lunch or dinner. 

Midterms and papers are being thrown left and right and it’s been a non-stop, stressful cycle because with work, trying to find a second job, and family issues, it’s so difficult to find the time to be able to focus on studying. I’m constantly exhausted and angry all the time and I feel like I haven’t been able (and won’t be able) to take a moment to myself and take a break. And when I try to give myself a break, I feel like I’m constantly being let down by boys and by friends. 

I just feel so emotionally drained from my personal life and by the public life too. It feels like there’s no escape from this dark and hollow hole. I haven’t felt genuinely happy in a really long time and I feel like every single time I get my hopes up and start feeling optimistic or happy, something always happens to remind me that I’m on this rollercoaster of negativity that I can’t escape from. 

[confirmance]

attitude is like kanye and feelings are like drake

[mymodernmet]

Starving Stray Dog Is Rescued and Taken to Pet-Friendly Restaurants All Over LA

[stability]

LMAOO 💀💀

[block]