the things i wish i could say to you right now
but i obviously won’t
more like... i obviously can’t.
hey, i know i shouldn’t be reaching out but i just have so many questions. i feel like my response to your news was simply out of shock, you must understand. and you have every right not to answer or respond, but i have nothing to really lose here.
first and foremost, i truly do appreciate you telling me. i’m not anyone special to you, really. just some girl you see on some nights on some weeks for a few hours and have sex with, drink with, smoke with and talk with in your room. i am no girlfriend of yours or anything special. so it means a lot to me that you chose not to just completely ghost me or disappear on me with no explanation. as much as it might not mean anything to you, it means a lot to me to know that you at least respect me or at least care about me enough to be open & honest.
i feel like my “congratulations!” was a little too much considering, i don’t actually know how you’re feeling about it. from what i picked up from our hangouts, i don’t think children were in your plans any time soon. hell, we toasted the last time i saw you to the fact that i had gotten my period and that i thankfully wasn’t pregnant. i took plan b that one time because we both agreed it was the right thing to do since neither of us obviously wanted a little baby on the way, and little do you know, i took it two weeks before that time too because of you again, just to be safe. and now, here you are: entering into fatherhood sometime this year.
i don’t know how you’re feeling and i apologize if my “congratulations!” was too much and inconsiderate about how you must be feeling and if you’re still processing the news that you revealed to me too. and there’s the other perspective where you were so adamant that we get plan b because you knew about the baby the entire time.
truth is, since you told me the news, i realized that i don’t know a lot of things about you at all. which terrifies me because i thought i was developing a pretty good understanding about who you were as a person and it makes me wonder who it was i was going over to see all those late nights these past several weeks. and i’m not the type of person to do all the things we did or spend as much time as i did hanging with someone i barely even know. but since the news that you revealed, i feel like you’re just a complete stranger to me. and its the complete opposite of how i felt when i’d actually be in your presence.
i have so many questions. so many. and the first one is just to ask how you’re feeling about becoming a father. to me, parenthood sounds extremely terrifying. to be responsible for an entire person besides yourself is scary. i don’t know if you’re feeling super excited or if you’re scared shitless. you said you were “reluctant” in sharing the news but felt it was necessary to tell me. i don’t know if the reluctance comes from having to share that news with me or if the reluctance comes from the news itself.
second question. how long have you known about the baby? it’s been eating me up inside to know whether this was something you just recently found out or if you had known that you were going to have a child this entire time but continued to do the things we did. and i guess it goes hand-in-hand with my third question. were you and are you in a committed relationship with the mother of your child? it makes me sick to my stomach to think that i possibly was sleeping with you while you were in a relationship with someone who is carrying your child. i look down upon women who do that and to think that i possibly was a home-wrecker without knowing it makes me feel like absolute and complete shit, which is absolutely not fair to me or your baby mama. i don’t know what the relationship is between you and the mother of your child and i know have no right to pry or even know any of the information. it would just puzzle me so much if you only, just recently, found out about the baby from her and why it would take so long for her to tell you such huge news.
as you can see, i’m in a weird dilemma trying to piece these puzzle pieces together because everything is so dependent on information that you have every right to keep to yourself.
it sucks because a part of me feels like you’re lying. 20% of me believes you’re lying and that this is just some sick, twisted tactic to get me to stop talking to you completely without you having to ghost me. you couldn’t have picked a better time to reveal all of this than the day before April 1st. such bad timing. but the other 80% of me that feels like it knows you well enough, believes you’re telling the whole damn truth. that part of me doesn’t believe you’d ever lie about anything as serious as this because you’re just not that type of person.
despite all of this, i want to honestly say that i care about you. you’re cool. it is extremely rare to find someone who provides great sex, conversations with genuine substance and isn’t actually a complete asshole towards me. you’re a rarity and i’m grateful have experienced and gotten all three of those aspects from and with you. my friends would say i’m completely insane but even if we don’t continue having the “great sex” aspect because i obviously would not want to get involved in your future family in that way, i would, however, honestly love to keep you around in my life as a friend for the “conversations with genuine substance” and the “isn’t actually a complete asshole” parts. there are a good handful of people that i feel so naturally comfortable with and enjoy the presence of, and, believe it or not, you’re one of those few. i feel like that’s why us ending this thing we had has been hurting me a hell of a lot more than i imagined.














