Ranking the Papas based on who would survive The Ring
Primo hears that this video will kill him, says, "Oh thank Lucifer," and watches it immediately. When Sadako shows up he's been sitting and waiting for hours. Upon seeing this wicked spirit come to end him, he is immediately consumed with lust and she is so thrown off by this that they make out sloppy style until she's confused and starts wandering back into the TV. Primo has to gently remind her to take him with her to the underworld.
Primo dies but is over the moon about it, and excited to finally start his afterlife polycule with Elizabeth Bathory and his new girlfriend.
Secondo shrugs and puts the video on, but almost immediately wanders off to the bathroom and gets distracted when he finds someone drew a dick on his face while he was sleeping. He completely forgets about the video and Sadako doesn't bother to come get him.
Secondo lives, never knowing his hedonism saved him.
Terzo: Are you kidding? A black-and-white silent film that's nothing but symbolism? He watches it so many times Sadako shows up early to kill him just to get him to stop blowing up her notifications. The kazoo man never stood a chance.
Terzo dies asking if there's a director's cut.
Cardi starts having a panic attack within the first ten seconds of the video but, in classic horror movie fashion, can't tear his eyes away. He spends the next seven days McFucking Losing It, but eventually hatches a plan. When Sadako comes for him, he has his camcorder and homemade green screen ready, and offers to help her shoot her film again. Her interest is piqued, and things seem to be going well, but after a day of shooting Sadako finds that Cardi had the camcorder in standby mode the entire time.
Cardi dies pleading for her to let him try again. His directorial debut ends before it begins.
Nihil falls asleep watching it, and when Sadako comes for him, she finds that he died already. She is disappointed and slaps his corpse around a little, then pouts and goes back into the TV.
Nihil escapes Sadako with the classic Old Man Strategy: dying first.
Perpetua watches it out of curiosity, panics, then spends the next week trying and failing to undo the curse. When Sadako arrives he's petrified, and in a moment of sheer terror blurts out, "What conditioner do you use?" Sadako is so happy someone finally acknowledged her hair care routine that the killing is paused for another sloppy makeout sesh. She spares him, and as soon as she goes back into the TV, V watches the video again.
