The Despondent

I could not love except where Death Was mingling his with Beauty’s breath Andrew Rose. 20. Napoleon. Psychology major. Painter.

[andidrewrose]

kingstonoverstreet​:

What Kingston finds the most interesting about chess, and all its complicated components, is that you never really know where the game will go. One can believe they have won, but then one simple move, even if it is not a misstep, can lead to an alternate ending, that one he did not even see. Maybe replying with truc was a misstep. Mentioning his name, however, in an attempt to appear kind was definitely a mistake, the wrong move, but sadly, he cannot turn back time and change it. 

The truc about chess, in all its glory, is that one always has to find a way to untangle themselves from the mess they’ve walked into, correct a miscalculation they’ve made, or plainly navigate through a sudden event they haven’t expected to occur. Kingston adores that about chess, even if, at the moment, it leads to a major annoyance and inconvenience. 

“It would be,” he chuckles, looking up at Andrew. His eyes quickly scan around him in order to see who is watching, and Kingston makes quick note about each person around them before focusing his attention back to Andrew, armed with one less bishop than he had before. Its space is now taken up by a queen he has failed to recognize. “Et toi? Andrew du rose? C’est pas intéressant, ça? Ou, est-ce qu’il y a un autre nom que je peux t’appeler?” 

One thing Kingston observed about Andrew is that, overall, he was friendly, a people’s person, so being cold and distant is futile. Instead of deterring him, it would only raise suspicion. The ones who seem the most friendly, or naive, are usually the ones who are the most observant, analytical, and Kingston has no doubt that Andrew is one of these individuals. “Cela pourrait être tout ce que tu veux, Andrew.” He leans his head against the wall, looking up at Andrew with a soft look, and waits for him to make his next move. 

If it ends up being unexpected, that’s even better. 

The joke-offense met a more receptive response than Andrew would’ve expected. He wanted to caught the freshman off guards, but this one here reacted pretty well, not disturbed a bit, so it seemed, and even chuckling. That was enlightening. 

And when he replied to him in the same language, Andrew felt a little overtaken. “Woow, easy there... The last time i spoke french was in my french class in high school, like, four years ago...” That was a lie, he could remember a time he tried having a conversation in french with his french friend Florian. He wasn’t ashamed though admitting that he didn’t have Kingston’s level in french. Neither did he have his accent. Andrew had got to admit he never made an effort at the frog prononciation. 

He took his hand to his forehead for a few seconds, thinking about what Kingston just said to him, trying to dismantle the sentence to make sense of it, and gathering the french words, long lost in his mind, needed to answer it. 

He would throw little looks at Kingston, looking satisfied leaning against the wall. What was this kid trying to do —or to prove ? 

When he got the question, it confirmed his first guess. The question, he couldn’t help it, but seemed a little sexually tense to Andrew. He would’ve never imagine the conversation to turn out this way. “Tu peux m’appeler... comment tu veux...” he said finally, smooth voice with a wink and a little smirk. He didn’t want to make Kingston uncomfortable, so he chuckled a little to let him know this was purely a joke. He couldn’t tell if this knew acquaintance was hitting on him, if he was into boys, but Andrew wasn’t the type of bringing someone he just met into his bed. And he wanted the message to be clear without having to actually mention it.

“Or is it “comme” ? I’ve never quite got the difference between the two." Florian has explained it to him more than once, but Andrew just couldn't register it. "Anyway, how come you’re good at french ?" he asked, genuinely intrigued. 

[andidrewrose]

To found a lost innocence...

Le sang lui va si bien.

Another terrible nightmare. Andrew wakes up, sweaty and caught up in his sheets. His jaws and teeth hurt. His eyes are wet. His lungs are barely filled with air ( there’s a force on top of him that is compressing his chest ). Breathing is hard. He makes this guttural noise that he always do trying to catch his breath. Like a dying animal. In his head, it’s so loud. But in reality, it is not, and in the middle of the night, nobody hears him. Nobody knows.

Halloween party at Kelly’s house, said the text, as if Andrew wasn’t already at Kelly’s house. Kelly lived two blocks down the street. And she didn’t like being alone. She would often ask him to come to hers. Today, he was helping her with the preparations of her party, along with two other of her friends. Though he was more interested in the alcohol than the decorations.  Drinking his beer while the three other girls were dressing him up for the Halloween costume party, after they’ve finished with the house. Andrew wasn’t very into dressing up, so Kelly choose for him his costume.  “You will be...” she said while going to the closet and getting a proper navy business costume. “Patrick Bateman ! right after he killed Paul Allen in American Psycho.” Andrew froze. Then let a little fake laugh came out with his embarrassed grin. This was making him uncomfortable. Did she knew ? Any idea of him being a cold blooded murderer, blood thirsty maniac, was hurtful and would start giving him anxiety. It would bring back memories of the day he lost his innocence, the day he became guilty. The one day that fucked all his life up. His heart started to run faster, and his palms against his beer became sweaty. But he said nothing and let them dress him up. And do his hair. And put his make up on.  That was the worst part. Watching himself in the mirror was heartbreaking. Because he despited what he saw as much as he adored it. They had put fake blood all over the right side of his face.  “Blood looks so nice on him.” commented Kelly. 

“Fuck you. I don’t know how to live, I just know how to die.” was Andrew’s response to what he thought was an unnecessary comment. He was too concerned about having lost the weed he’d brought in for the party. He was asking every guest, pushing people to let him come through the humain wave. Searching under every fourniture, in every room. Fuck. It costed him a good amount of money, because he wanted to be nice and bring enough weed for his friends at the party, and for himself. He needed quite a few blunts at parties for him to have a good time. Before that, he would not be right. And that’s what Jamie told him. “Come on, mate! Have fun ! Try to live the moment !” But Andrew couldn’t. He needed the drug. And he couldn’t find it. And it felt like it was the end of the world. It felt like dying.  It felt like that day was coming back, was coming back to get him, right here, right now, on Halloween Day, when the world of the dead and the one of the living were merging. That day he ran between the trees, like he ran between the guests. But then, he was running away from something he did.  Was his father here ? Trying to punish him, to play with him, messing him up, for what he did years ago ? Andrew didn’t believe in ghosts or spirits. ( The only ghost he’s ever seen to this day was himself, and he only could see it as reflections in mirrors. ) Without thinking much, he went straight to the bathroom. He opened the door and slammed it after him. He went directly to the sink, his head, too heavy,  looking down at his feet; his hands clutching the sides of the sink to prevent him from falling. He was shaking. Every time, right before he gazes at a mirror, he hopes to find the eyes of the boy he was before he lost everything. He had to make a real effort to raise his head and confront what was looking right back at him in the mirror. 

[andidrewrose]

atomiicas‌:

“You might be friends with the fuzz for all I know,” Kellan joked, laughing as he produced the fox origami from his jacket pocket and setting it down in the middle console, near the spare tin of wintergreen mints. “It’s not some sci-fi inspired character, is it?” He remarked, keeping his eyes on the road, looking to the side before making a turn. “What’s a sexy nun?” It was for context, he’s seen a variant of the ‘sexy nun’ costume throughout the years. “Going to show some legs, fishnets, and all that?” He was teasing, briefly looking at Andrew and smirking. “Fishnets’ sexy, I’ll give you that.” If done and worn correctly, Kellan’s all for it. “You might need to shave or wax, Andy.”

When Dancing Queen blasted from the speakers, Kellan laughed some more. “ABBA,” he remarked, playfully drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “Cool, yeah. I dig it.” It was true enough. At one point during his childhood, his older brother was obsessed with the Swedish group. “I’m partial to Gimme Gimme Gimme,” he contributed, “and Mamma Mia.” As for his possible Halloween costume, “I might go for an Egyptian Pharoah look—wear a Nemes,” Kellan thought out loud, “maybe pull a Darth Vader or Jareth, King of the Goblins. His ball outfit was badass.”

His head resting against his hand, looking through the window, Andrew was observing the streets, trying to guess where Kellan was driving them to. But for now the possibilities where infinite and he had no clue where they were going. “I don’t think it is.” he said about the sci-fi character. Andrew wasn’t much of a sci-fi amateur. On the other hand, he was a sexy nun amateur. “Yeah, fishnets and all ! You bet they are sexy ! Everyone’s sexy in fishnets.” He truly believed fishnets could make anyone sexy. He defended his body from Kellan’s comment. “Not if I make it furry ! That’s the whole point. Plus, you don’t get to tell me what to do with my body, Kellan !” he turned to the chauffeur, playfully grinning. 

Seeing how his friend welcomed his music choice, Andrew smiled a bit more. “Of course you do.” he commented Kellan’s approval. When he continued with his Holloween costume idea as Pharaon, Andrew made a face that suggested that he liked the idea. But the best was probably the King of the Goblins. “Yeah, Jareth’s a pretty good idea! And his hair, man, I definitely want to see you rock that eighties hair style.” The image of Kellan in a Jareth costume dancing to Abba’s Dancing Queen appeared and made him laugh. 

Andrew was still looking at the road, trying to guess what as the destination, but he couldn’t say. “Where are we going, by the way ?” he asked, tilting suddenly his head to Kellan.

[andidrewrose]

What is your worst and best quality?

i’ll let you choose my worst : i’m moody, can be pretty selfish and careless and lazy, impatient, indecisive and often pessimistic.

but i’m funny, i don’t care what you say, i’m funny. not always but sometimes i’m funny. 

[lavendess]

Forevermore

[andidrewrose]

who are the top 3 most attractive people at astor?

Me and Isla, and Arthur Astor my man

[andidrewrose]

atomiicas‌:

Kellan grinned, “Alright,” he praised, making the sign of the horns with his hand. “Oh, you’re making origami.” Noticing now that he’s stepped closer to the table Andrew was occupying. “Can I have that one?” Referring to the little fox, taking it and studying it for a moment. “You make a thousand of this, and you make a wish, right? It’s also for good luck.” It was cute and nicely done. “Cool.” Pocketing it, he motioned at Andrew, “Let’s go.” Andrew didn’t ask where they’re off to, and that was okay. Their shenanigans were always spontaneous, plans were barely made.

“I’ll leave the music to you,” he tells Andrew, both of them sitting comfortably inside his car. “Seatbelt, Andy.” He might be a thrill-seeker. Nonetheless, seatbelt’s mandatory. “They extended the All-Hallow’s fest this year, did you see?” Kellan glanced at his friend, steering them off-campus. “You thought about costumes yet or you’re taking it easy this time?”

When Kellan noticed what was his occupation, he didn’t make some stupid comment and Andrew was glad he didn’t. “No, i’m actually training my fingers for...” he responded with an obvious look but a serious tone. Andrew didn’t know if he had made a thousand yet, but seeing how his life turned up, he would say he didn’t quite get to that number. “I don’t know about chance, but here, take it.” That little fox was rather well done, and he worried about its survival if Kellan would take it with him in their imminent little escape. 

In his friend’s car, Andrew took the passenger seat and his headphones off before being reminded but Kellan to put his seatbelt on. “What do you think I am ? Friends with the cops ? White ?” he joked while fastening his seatbelt. He then proceeded to connect his phone to Kellan’s car radio and go through his Spotify playslits to chose something to listen to. “Yeah, I did...” he was still scrolling. But he found the perfect playlist just right after. “Hum, I think I might dress up as sexy nun, or a furry, or both. I don’t know. You ?” He pressed play on his phone, and Abba’s Dancing Queen started to play loudly in the car. Andrew didn’t flinch nor said anything, acting like this was totally normal. 

[a-chaotic-lesbian-academic]

Excerpts from Cain, A Mystery by Lord Byron and The Secret History by Donna Tartt.

[andidrewrose]

atomiicas·:

When: October, 2019 Where: Napoleon house, main lounge Who: @andidrewrose··

What with everything’s that has happened, and still happening, Kellanrealized that he and Andrew haven’t seen much of one another. Both of themweren’t at fault, of course, there’s schoolwork and other… stuff. For Kellan,at least. Deciding that he’s free on this particular day, now would be a goodstart to look for Andrew and catch up. The fact that they’re both residing inthe Napoleon house made it somewhat easy to find his friend. He asked aroundwhile he was on Andrew’s floor, and was told that the other might be on themain lounge. Thanking the younger student, Kellan opted to use the stairs—it’sgood exercise.

“You’ve been outside?” Kellan said as soon as he‘s spotted Andrew andapproached him. “How long have you been doing,” and gesticulated at whicheverAndrew’s… implementing, “that? Let’sgo for a drive.” He urged, adding, “In the words of E.E. Cummings—listen, there’sa hell of a good universe next door, let’s go.”

Being the Libra he is, Andrew couldn’t make up his mind about spending this day alone, or trying to be more of a normal person and gather some friends, do some things. He wasn’t really feeling like a social butterfly these days, and needed some time to himself. But at the same time, he couldn’t let himself be this useless rag, reading his notes, making origamis and listening to Slint all day. When he decided that his room was too small and dark for his paper birds, he went to the lounge. Good way to have interactions without having to force them into others. Let the people come.

And the people came. Andrew was at his fourth origami, a little fox. Making colourful paper animals was his new hobby, brought to him by a Youtube recommandation. He would probably throw them away at some point, but it occupied his mind and made him calm, nearly in a state of hypnosis. But Kellan got him out of there. He came, as he always did, like a cannonball, the speed and the loudness. Andrew remove one of his headphones to give his friend his attention. He was glad to see the “mister universe”. He was probably the right person Andrew needed right now. “No I haven’t, actually...” Was it so obvious ? “Yeah, ok, sure, whatever, let’s do it.”, he got up, leaving his origamis on the table, for whomever would want to adopt them. Andrew didn’t need to think twice about Kellan’s offer. Whatever crazy shit Kellan would suggest to do, Andrew would go along with it. So he followed him outside their house. 

[andidrewrose]

danielschoi·:

Brows furrowed and his index finger absentmindedly tapping on his folder, Daniel pursed his lips as he thought about what he wanted to focus on. He had a lot of work to catch up on, really, and this was just the second paper out of four he needed to write. Professors were merciless when it came to giving them schoolwork, and perhaps that was one of the things that he liked about Astor; things always felt like a challenge. Though, he would be lying if he said it wasn’t also a welcome distraction from everything else that was going on in his life. It was better to focus on something else– anything else– that he could control, instead of the things he couldn’t. “That’s interesting. I don’t think I have enough understanding of the course to write anything about it, though,” he admitted, words followed by a soft chuckle. 

He flipped through the page of his notes, and found a topic he had underlined in red ink. Daniel figured he must have had so many things in his mind that he couldn’t even remember when he did that. “I’m thinking I’ll write about sensory and perception,” he said, reading the words on his notes. He placed the folder on the table and sat upright on his seat, crossing his legs under the table. “It’s simple enough that I don’t have to spend too much time on research, and it’s also a wide enough topic that I can try and cover a lot of things. Emphasis on try, of course. What do you think?” Daniel thoroughly enjoyed working with Andrew like this; he always looked forward to what the other had to say, and he had also become such a big help ever since Daniel decided to take a psychology class as an elective.

The sounds of their surroundings, coffee-making and name-shouting employees, customers’ conversations and phone calls; it wouldn’t be an ideal environnement in which some students would want to work, to study, to think comfortably. People often like silence. Andrew appreciated silence, mostly to clean his head when headaches would start to come back, and also for the quiet, the little sounds that went unnoticed when there was too much noise and that he could finally focus on. But silence could also be a bitch, it always let him alone with his thoughts, and Andrew hated those thoughts. That’s why he felt safer and more secure in noisy environnements. He was used to working with noise around him. Plus, this meeting with Daniel was a first draft of the work he will be rewriting later in his room. 

Daniel’s comment on their stimulus class made Andrew pout. “I’m sure you do.” he said, tilting his head a little to his side. “Or if you really don’t, I can explain it to you and I’m sure you’ll get it. In reality, it’s quite simple, it follows a pattern.” he told him before sipping from his beverage and listening to Daniel’s idea for his paper. “That’s also a good plan.” he commented. “Though, personally I would feel lost and wouldn’t know what to talk about if the topic were this large...” It was good that the two of them didn’t have the same methods of doing things. Andrew had found himself more than once enlightened by Daniel’s way of thinking about a subject. This could only help them in their work.

[andidrewrose]

Andrew ✉️ Isla

Isla: Somehow, I can't picture that from him.

Isla: I've always found him intimidating, but that's not too much of a surprise.

Isla: Keep me updated, okay? Hope this is all solved soon enough. x

Andrew: tbh id be lying if i told he wasn't

Andrew: i will! x

[andidrewrose]

Andrew ✉️ Isla

Isla: Well, thanks for that, Andrew. 😛

Isla: Was he quite severe in the meeting?

Isla: I can't imagine he can go forward with punishing you, though. I mean, you really were with me for the majority of the night.

Andrew: i'm only the servent of truth.

Andrew: No, not really. it was just,, basic questions i gotta say. tho he wasn't really being the "good cop" type neither.

Andrew: yeah i know! so much time wasted it makes me mad

[andidrewrose]

Andrew ✉️ Isla

Isla: I feel like it won't surprise you to know she's said that about you before as well. 😅

Isla: I was going to say- we might not be identical, but...

Isla: Didn't you go confront him about it? Maybe he brought you in for questioning because he was upset about that.

Isla: I could picture him feeling threatened that someone called him out for not addressing things sooner.

Andrew: obv she did...

Andrew: you might be identical (which i don't agree) but you have a sweet face, she has a mean face

Andrew: yes, that's what i was thinking too... I hope you're right

[andidrewrose]

danielschoi‌:

Date: September 28, 2019 Location: Starbucks Availability: @andidrewrose

Daniel liked to think that he was a good student. He kept good grades, and was always on top of schoolwork. It helped that he enjoyed his major immensely, and hoped to become a doctor someday, just like his mother. But with the whole dining hall fiasco, and the interrogation the following week, he’d been preoccupied and, unfortunately, left quite a bit of work piled up on his desk. He decided he would spend the rest of his weekend working on being caught up, and was determined not to let anything distract him. Not the interrogation that happened, or any business related to the Arsonists. He was going to pour all his free time over the weekend on schoolwork, and not think about the Arsonists at all. For the mean time, he felt free of the group. At least, until the next red envelope arrives.

He’d made plans to meet up with Andrew Rose at the Starbucks. They belonged to the same house and department, but while Daniel majored in Anatomy, Andrew’s was Psychology. But Daniel had chosen Physiological Psychology as an elective, and they shared that class together, and he always liked to study and discuss things with Andrew. It helped make studying easier somehow, especially since he just chose the elective because it interested him– not necessarily because it was needed for his major. Daniel grabbed one of his folder of notes from his bag to peruse. “So, chapter two,” he said, clearing his throat. He took a pen from the table and wrote something on the space on the left side of his notes. “Have you decided on what to focus for the paper she wants us to write?”

The thing with the Starbucks was that they had very good coffee. And carrot cake. And the thing with Physiological Psychology was that it was not easy. Very interesting, but not easy. Nothing really was, but in that class, words were even more complicated than the ones you could use in the other classes. It was, in fact, a class psychology students shared with medicine and anatomy students. A class Andrew shared with Daniel. 

Back to Starbucks. The thing when Andrew was doing something rather difficult or that took a lot for him to get into, he’d like to do it with someone, and maybe with a good coffee as a reward. As a stimulus. 

And that was exactly the subject of the paper Andrew and Daniel had to write for this course. Daniel had already opened his very organized folder and was starting to get to work. That was why he liked to work with Daniel, he didn’t loose sight of his goal, and that helped a lot Andrew in his own working process. Andrew liked to work, but if someone started to talk to him about something else, it was complicated to go through it without drifting off, and sometimes irritating. But Daniel and him had a good dynamic. 

“I think” he begin, eyes lost in the horizon, “that I will talk about the experiences that has been made in the past, and exemples of every day applications of stimulus. Or something like that. I don’t know if you had a better idea ?” he asked, eyes back on his mate. 

[andidrewrose]

Andrew ✉️ Isla

Isla: You were interviewed? This is insane, they called Reese and Agata in too. How did they even pick the "suspects"?

Isla: I haven't been called in, but of course I'll let him know you were with me. Thank you for giving me a heads up. Hope the interview wasn't too awful. x

Andrew : i don't know but i can't blame them for picking reese, she always looks pretty suspicious to me.... she has one of this faces, you know

Andrew : i mean, not your face tho, you what i mean lmao

Andrew : well, lucky you, i hope it stays that way.. of course, ur welcome.

Andrew : it wasn't, but i didn't like being suspected when i was like one of the only people to care ??? idk

[andidrewrose]

kingstonoverstreet·:

The man didn’t seem like he was playing chess, and if he was, his moves were passive. 

When he spoke, a quick word thrown most-likely in surprise, Kingston internally cursed at himself with how he came off, because he could see the slight bit of shock on his face, but he quickly recoiled. His name was Andrew, simply, and he took Kingston offer of a handshake, and Kingston made sure to smile somewhat kindly from then, present as polite and friendly. Andrew seemed to elude that naturally, kindness. He was an approachable person–well, frankly, he was a person who also approaches others, it seems. Kingston debated how long he should hold a conversation with him, because it looked as if he continued, Andrew would always have a response, and he would never be able to leave this conversation. Fuck, he couldn’t escape this easily.

When Andrew asked him about his major, Kingston made sure to tilt his body towards the boy, making sure he seemed attentive, engaged. “I am an arts and music major, which is why I decided to come to the art club.” Truly, it was for the supplies, but this reasoning was also understandable. It made logical sense. “What major are you? Are you also an art major?” Kingston asked, voice low, yet loud enough for Andrew to hear. His body was still hidden in the corner, but out enough for Andrew to see him, and in that position, he could see other students look over to them, probably out of curiosity, or maybe out of boredom, but at that moment Kingston realized he now had to play not only Andrew, but others. “There are a lot of people here, in the art club I mean.” He spoke, tilting his head back to Andrew with a small smirk. “From what I’ve seen, this club is pretty popular. And what you’re working on, it looks quite important, of Asian-influence, I assume?” He kept his smile on his face. “I should probably let you go back to your work, with that truc in your hand and all.” He gestured towards the spray bottle in his hand and hoped that it would instigate Andrew to leave him alone. His bishop left his place next to his king and angled directly towards Andrews. It was a possible checkmate, Kingston hoped.

The answers Kingston gave him, the way he articulated the words he seem to carefully choose gave Andrew the feeling that he was calculating everything to the millimeter. He didn’t seemed at ease. Andrew had recognized in the new kid a Dreamer, as the “Process Communcation Model” type. Now Andrew was wondering if he wasn’t also a Thinker. Dreaming and thinking were two actions of the same nature, sometimes they could be complete antonyms. And yet the separation line between the two was still very blurry. That was telling a lot about the energumen he had in front of him, half hiding in the corner. Defensive and offensive attitude. Mister mystery. 

Andrew could tell the questions that the boy send back to him weren’t what he would do naturally. He didn’t asked them, he spoke them. “No, I’m actually a psychology major.” And you sir, I can tell, are an interesting profile ! “I paint since I’m child, though.” (“since I killed my father” would have been also true.) Andrew didn’t add anything, not really knowing what to add, really, but also to see if Kingston would keep the conversation going. He was expecting that he would somehow end it by nodding or something. But he asked again. Or rather avouching. Kingston was observing, stating, and then added a little interrogation for validation to make it seem like he was including him. That was smart. Andrew turned to look back at his incomplete piece. “Yes it is.” he confirmed. “We want to present it at the art exhibit the club organizes next month.” Though he doubted that Kesington would be interested in that last part.

The kid even found a way to get himself out of this conversation. So all that was between the first mumble and this last sentence was probably an act, or an attempt to make a not-so-bad impression. The psychology student wanted to ask him “who hurt you, kid ?”

But instead, a more sudden question popped in Andrew’s head, after earring this french word in his sentence. “ ‘Truc’ ? Oh, so your name really is Kingston ‘Au-Dessus-De-La-Rue’, then ?” he asked, sarcastic, but trying not to be too sassy. 

[andidrewrose]

Andrew ✉️ Isla

Andrew : hey, how are you ? just to let you know: i was being interviewed by Astor earlier, and i told him you were with me the whole evening.

Andrew : i don't know if you've been interviewed too, but in any case, don't worry if you're being called at his office, it's probably to check if i wasn't lying. hope you're okay !x