freedom

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

It had been a half day for Andi, and Addie had picked her up from school with a smile on her face. As the little girl came running through the doors, Addie picked her up and twirled her around, kissing her face over and over. Andi giggled, demanding to be put down. It was a nice surprise for her to have Addie pick her up from school, because Addie’s parents normally did. But Addie had taken a much needed day off from work to spend time with Andi, and she’d planned to find something fun for the two of them to do. But when they got home, Andi saw the note before Addie did, the note asking the two girls to meet Andrew for lunch, and the small girl practically begged Addie. She sighed, giving in. Yes, she was angry at Andrew. But she knew she couldn’t stop Andi from seeing him just because of how she felt. So, begrudgingly, they made their way to the diner, the one place Addie hadn’t wanted to step foot in today on her day off, and held the door open for the little girl. Andi’s eyes lit up when she saw Andrew and she waved excitedly. “Hi!” She said, sliding into the seat across from him. “I saw your note and so we came!” Addie slid next to her daughter, not saying anything, just watching her speak with such excitement in her voice. “I like the pancakes from here…but it’s lunch time, not breakfast time. So instead, I like the chicken strips. They’re yummy. And sometimes, if I eat all my food, Momma lets me get pie.”

Andrew could feel his face light up at the excitement from the little girl, the smile not even faltering as he noted the silence from Addie. “Pie, huh? Do they still have the best apple pie in town?” he asked, smiling at Andi before looking to Addie. “I have a couple job interviews lined up this week,” he mentioned, “so hopefully they go well and I’ll have my own place sooner rather than later.” It was risky talking about future plans, especially with Andi there, but Andrew wanted Addie to know that he was making an effort, a real effort, to be there for Andi. He slid a few quarters to Andi smiling. “How about you go see what kinda luck you have with the crane game while we wait for the food, and I’m gonna ask your mom a few things, since I have a meeting with Santa soon.” He waited until the little girl had run off, still in their clear view, while Andrew looked at Addie. “I’m sorry about... the way the last conversation ended. I had no idea you hadn’t known... and I’m sorry I couldn’t save him. I wanted you to know that. I wasn’t bringing him up to try and win any ground, I just... I’m sorry, Addie.”

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

His probation officer had slipped him a hundred dollars on their first meeting, before he had even told him about Addie and his encounter. He had entered his address in the system, told his sob story, before scheduling the next weekly meeting, and now, he had left a note for Addie, to meet at the local diner that was somehow still open. He had gotten himself a new outfit, and a much-needed haircut, with enough left over to treat Addie and Andi to lunch. He wasn’t even sure they were going to show, but he got a table near the door, in plain sight. He was nervous, and had been thinking about everything he had said wrong. Andrew had assumed that Addie had known all about her brother, and finding out that he had been wrong... and maybe, if he had said something sooner, he could have prevented what happened. He couldn’t change the past, but he could start changing the future. He wouldn’t get smart. He wouldn’t try and press issues. He’d let Addie lead the conversation. He might have lost every hope of being with Addie again, but he wasn’t about to ruin his chance at a relationship with their daughter, even if it was on a strictly supervised and short time basis.

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

Addie shook her head. “You can give me the sob story all you want, Andrew, but right now, it’s hard to feel sorry for you. Like I said, I’m not letting you stay because of our past. I’m simply doing it for Andi, because she deserves to know her dad. I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, but I’m going to be so guarded, you have no idea. I’m far from a helicopter mom. I let her figure out life on her own. But when it comes to her safety and her well being, I am the fiercest person alive.” She nodded. “She won’t be alone with you. Not for a while. You’re more than welcome in the house to be with her whenever you’d like, as long as someone else is there. …and I mean, someone is always there anyways, because she’s seven. It’s not like we leave her home alone. You want to take her out somewhere? I’m coming with you. And you best your ass you’re never to use the word ‘promise’ with her, unless you’re damn sure you can keep that promise. And if you don’t follow through on that promise, god help you.” Her harsh act faltered a bit and the corner of her lip came up into a smile before she shrugged. “I’m an adult. I can use adult words.” She looked down. “…I want everything for her. I want more for her than what I had. I don’t want her to be stuck here in this town, reliving the same thing day in and day out…”

Before he could stop himself, the words were leaving his lips without any control over them. “Tyler made sure I only stayed dealing pot, and he made sure I never even smoked,” he blurted, his words flowing fast, and once that had started, it was like a flood and there was no hope of stopping them. “I knew he was using when he suggested I start dealing, because the income was steady and it was so low-level and I had a clean record. You know why that judge gave me ten years? He was fucking grumpy that his own kid was buying from me. That’s the only fucking reason I didn’t just walk away with a slap on the wrist. I made a dumb choice but I wanted to get you out of this stupid little town. I wasn’t thinking about what was going to happen or how you would even feel knowing our life together started with money I got from dealing. I know you’re telling me that I can stay here because that’s just the kind of person you are, and I’m not going to use it as a chance to get back into your good graces to try and pick up some teenage romance again. I’m gonna be here until I have a job and can get my own place, that’s that. And even then, I’ll still only come see her here, and when you say I can.”

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

Addie sat down on the front steps and gave a small shrug. “…I’m not going to keep you from her. …there’s going to be ground rules, but I’m not going to say you can’t see her. I won’t lie, Andrew. I don’t trust you right now. And that trust needs to be earned back. Andi is everything to me, and I can’t risk anything happening to her. You can spend time with her, but we need to come up with an agreement, first.” She looked up at the man in front of her, a stranger compared to the man she was once in love with, and pulled her cell phone out, about to hand it over to him. …but her bleeding heart stopped her and she pulled it back, taking a deep breath. “…my parents aren’t going to be thrilled with the idea, but when have I ever really cared what they thought?” She motioned her head towards the back. “…you can stay in the in-law apartment until you get on your feet. I’m not going to make you stay in a shelter. …especially if you’re going to be around Andi. …we found Tyler in half-way houses all the time before he died. Sure, not all people there have problems, but there are still some that aren’t the healthiest, and I don’t want her seeing that. …but the second you step out of line, you’re out, and you won’t see her again. Got it?” She narrowed her eyes. She knew he just wanted to know about their daughter, and she took a deep breath. “…she was a lazy baby. She didn’t take her first steps until she was almost a year and a half old. We thought something was wrong with her, but she was honestly just lazy. She was carried everywhere and knew if she started walking, that was it. And one day, she saw a bowl of popcorn across the room, and boom. She was practically running for it. Her first word was dog, but it sounded more like ‘duh’. But she was pointing to Fredo, so we know it was dog. She never slept, and was always awful at taking naps. She still sucks to get to bed. She claims she’ll miss something if she closes her eyes. She could count to five when she was three, ten when she was four, and a hundred when she was five. As for her ABCs, she could say them forwards and backwards by the time she was four. God help the cop that ever stops her for a sobriety test.”

He couldn’t even get himself to be excited about the apartment in the back, because his heart shattered all over again at the mention of her brother. Something came to his lips, but he shoved it down for right now. It wasn’t the time. “I swear, the second I step out of line, if I step out of line, I’m gone. I don’t talk to anyone from my time... I don’t... Addie, I don’t have anyone. All I had before this was you, and now... it’s just me again and it’s so hard to live with myself. I understand that there needs to be rules, and I’ll follow any that you lay down.” Andrew wiped at his eyes, shaking his head. “I won’t even think of using the word promise when I tell her something, and if you only feel comfortable with supervised visits, then that’s what they’ll be. I’m her dad, but she’s your child... I can’t even call her that because I wasn’t here... I don’t know her enough for that.” He snorted out of nowhere, looking up at her with a lopsided smile. “You said a bad work, don’t you know you can’t say suck?” he joked, before fully smiling. “She’ll miss the world if she closes her eyes, Addie. She’s gotta see everything, doesn’t she? That’s why you work so hard, isn’t it? So she can see everything. So she... can see everything that we never got to.”

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

Addie inhaled slowly, weighing the options in her mind. If she went inside and didn’t come back out, would she even be able to find Andrew again when she was ready? …would she even ever really be ready? More than likely, no. She nodded slowly, biting her lip. “…yeah. I’ll be out in a couple minutes.” She looked down at Andi. “Say goodnight to Andrew.” Andi smiled up at the man and gave him a wave. “G’night! I gotta go learn how to spell orange.” She let out a sigh. “When am I ever gonna need that in life?!” Addie rolled her eyes and ushered the girl through the door. “Get in there, brat. Go get your spelling book. I’ll be inside soon to quiz you.” She watched to make sure the little girl was going towards her bedroom instead of the kitchen, and when she heard her going through her backpack, she turned and walked out the door again, just in time to hear Andrew hiss out the expletive. “…if you’re going to be around her, you need to watch your mouth. She picks up everything. I thought I was having a baby, but apparently I had a parrot.”

He jumped at the sound of her voice, trying to shove the bills back into his pocket, instead dropping them on the ground. He bent down, gathering them with shaky hands. “I’m sorry... I’ll watch it if you let me see her again...” he stammered, rubbing his face. He didn’t want to admit to her that he was so on his own, but he had never been able to keep much from her. “Can... do you have a phone I can use? I need to call my PO and see if he knows of any halfway houses that have open beds or something... I need an address to put on my new ID and on job applications, but I... I have about ten dollars to my name.” He’d sit down on the bottom step, his face in his hands, unable to stop the small wave of tears that fought their way through. “When did she start walking? What was her first word? Was she good about taking naps? When did she learn to count? Her ABCs? I... I missed everything... I’m so... I knew I was stupid but I didn’t know I was this stupid...”

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

“Hair, yes. Your ears, however…or your scalp that she takes off..” Addie shrugged. “But, hey. It’s your funeral. Can’t say I didn’t warn you.” She bit her lip, hearing Andrew tell the little girl he could come back tomorrow. She wished he wouldn’t make promises to her, knowing they still needed to talk things over. Addie was still angry at him. And sure, she wouldn’t keep him from their daughter, but there needed to be ground rules laid down. She couldn’t let him just jump in head first. She needed to protect both herself and Andi. Andi shrugged, before her eyes went wide. “You said a bad word!” She spoke with a small whistle due to the lack of the front tooth. “Mom says you can’t say ‘sucked’!” Addie sighed. “No, I said you can’t say that. It’s an adult word, and only adults can use it.”

Andrew noticed with every peek and Addie how much she was watching him, and he knew it wasn’t a good thing. Giving Andi another smile, he stood back up again, shoving his hands into his pockets before sighing. “I know it’s the end of the day but... once you get her inside and working on that homework, can we talk? I... I just wanna talk...” he chanced, before looking back to the little girl. “You go get that homework done, okay? And I’ll see you again, hopefully tomorrow?” He stared at her for another moment, before he stepped off the porch, down to the sidewalk, keeping his face hidden from Addie and Andi, trying to control his breathing as everything finally started sinking in. He had kicked himself for years for his choices costing him Addie, and now, learning that it had also cost him the first seven years of their daughters life weighed heavy on his chest. Unsure if either of them were still outside, or if Addie was even going to come back outside, he started digging through his pockets, counting the remaining crumpled ones he had, hissing fuck under his breath when he realized he didn’t even have enough for a taxi to a hotel, much less a room for however long he would need.

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

Addie bent down to Andi’s height, holding her hand tightly. The little girl looked at the man in front of her, scrunching up her face and studying him. She took a deep breath, before speaking. “…you look different than the pictures Momma gave me.” Addie smiled softly and nodded. “Those are old pictures…of course he looks different now, silly.” Andi shook her head. “Your hair is long. You need a haircut. I can help! I wanna be a hairdresser when I grow up!” Addie shook her head, looking at Andrew. “…I may not be thrilled with you, but I would still highly advise against that. I’ve seen what she does to Barbie and Ken…” Andi threw her hands in the air. “I make them BEAUTIFUL.”

Andrew changed from his hunched down position to sitting cross-legged in front of the little girl - in front of his daughter. Smiling, even letting a small bit of laughter slip past his lips, he shook his head. “It’s hair, and hair grows back. I think if she thinks that she can help me, I really do need a haircut. It’s been a while since I’ve had the chance to get one. How about tomorrow I can come see you again, and we can get me that haircut?” he asked, his smile focused on Andi. It was still sinking into his mind still, that he was a father, and he knew it would hit full force by the time he tried to sleep. For now, though, he was coping and he knew his ten minutes were running down. “What kind of homework do you still have to do?” he asked, tilting his head at her. “I was really good at math when I was in school, but I sucked so bad at English.”

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

Addie, feeling overprotective of the little girl, took a deep breath and looked down at Andrew, narrowing her eyes. “You could have given me a chance to explain who you are.” She stood close to Andi, her hand on her shoulder. The little girl looked at Andrew, confusion on her face before looking up at Addie and then back at Andrew. “…Andi. I’m only Andrea when I’m in trouble.” Addie softly played with Andi’s hair, twirling it between her fingers. She looked at Andrew, shaking her head. “…you can see her. But I’m not leaving. …it’s a school night, so she can’t be long. She has homework to finish and then needs to take a shower.” Andi scrunched up her face. “I already finished my homework!” Addie rose her eyebrows and the little girl sighed. “…almost.” Addie gave a small nod. “…ten minutes. That’s my compromise.”

“I’m sorry,” Andrew said, looking up at Addie, realizing that she was right, before he was looking back to the little girl. Her face, hair, and smile were all her mother, but she had his wide-wondering eyes, there was no questioning it, and he had to take a minute to realize how painful it must have been for Addie to have this constant reminder of him around, especially when she was apparently so mad at him. For the first time, there was a wave of regret at coming to the house coursing through him. He would have never known about his daughter, but he also wouldn’t have to live with the look on Addie’s face burnt into his brain. “I’m Andrew... I’m... your dad...” he stammered out, holding his hand out to the little girl.

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

Addie shook her head, her arms still crossed. “My parents had nothing to do with this.” She took a deep breath, trying not to let her emotions get the best of her. “It doesn’t matter whether you used or not, Andrew. You still touched it. You held it in your hands. You contributed to others addictions. What would have happened if you had sold to someone who, as a result, overdosed and died?” She shook her head. “You know how I feel about drugs. You know where I stand on them. So, no. My parents didn’t convince me that you were some monster. But when I found out I was pregnant, it became more than just me being angry for me. Now, I wasn’t just alone. I was alone, and pregnant, and scared. There are plenty of other ways to make money.” She looked as the door opened behind her and Andi stood there, her arms crossed. “I’ll be inside in a few minutes, Andrea. Go.”

Andrew opened his mouth to retaliate, to point out that it wasn’t even heavy drugs he had gotten mixed up in, but then the door was opened and he was looking at the little girl, taking her in and seeing just how much of himself shown through in her. “Can I officially meet my daughter?” he asked, his tone a little more harsh than he intended, but to him it felt like she was trying to keep them apart, despite being told that she had implied that he’d be back one day. “Just... give me fifteen minutes since I had to miss the last seven years. I missed first steps and first word and first day of school, so please, Addie, give me fifteen minutes to meet her...” His tone had switched to a pleading one, kneeling down on the porch so he was at eye level with the child. "Andrea, yeah? Or do you like Andi?"

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

Addie took a deep breath, her arms crossed across her chest. “No…” She shook her head. “The letters stopped because I had more important things to do. I didn’t have time to sit there and write letters.” She took a deep breath. “I worked…I still work…long hours. Every night, waiting tables, to be able to pay my part of the bills. I was changing diapers, making bottles…and she wasn’t an easy baby, Andrew…she cried, so much. I didn’t know how to make it stop. Eventually it got to the point where when she cried, I cried, and I didn’t know how to just…exist like things were the same, when they weren’t. Because you weren’t here, and I had to do everything on my own, and telling you in a letter…it wasn’t going to change anything.” She looked at the step that he patted, but she didn’t move, staying exactly where she was. “…yeah. She did.”

He took a deep breath, before standing up to look at her. “When did you start believing your parents about me? That I’m nothing more than some druggie who got caught?” he said, his voice cracking but still remaining rough. “I was... I have never and I will never use. I was doing that... for us. So we could get our own place. So we could be on our own... I wanted to give you this amazing life...” A hand running through his hair again, before shaking his head. It was pointless, her body language said that she had seven years to see the worst in him, and it was useless to try and change that. “I thought about you every single day. I worked my ass off in there to stay out of trouble, so I could get out of there. I didn’t belong in there.”

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

“The extent of my cooking is macaroni and cheese, and once in a while I’ll make hot dogs or chicken nuggets.” It was a good thing the two girls lived with Addie’s parents…otherwise, they would never have a nice meal. Addie took a deep breath, knowing that the questions that were coming were ones that couldn’t be avoided. She bit her lip before stepping outside and closing the front door so that wandering little ears couldn’t overhear. “…seven.” She leaned on the railing to the front porch. “…her name is Andrea. …Andi. She’s stubborn, and beautiful, and funny, and so full of personality. Her favorite color is blue, but don’t hold me to that since it changes at least once a week, and raccoons are her favorite animal. She’s in the first grade, and lost her first tooth last week. She’s mad she can’t whistle anymore. She can count by twos and do a cartwheel. She was Captain America for Halloween this year.” Addie shrugged. “…I never told her anything bad about you. She had questions, and I answered the best that I could. …all she knows is that you had to go away before she was born, but that you love her, and maybe you would come back someday and get to see how beautiful and amazing she is.”

It was his daughter. He had a daughter. They had a daughter. Andrew rubbed his hands over his face to try and bring himself back to earth before turning his head to look over his shoulder at her. “Is that why the letters stopped? Was it easier to just not write than to lie to me? I thought... I guessed that you had just moved on...” he let out, not taking his eyes off of her face. He was thankful, in a way, that she had kept this image she had built for the little girl a good one. She didn’t turn him into some demon. He shifted over slightly, patting the step next to him for her to come sit, before he was focused on his hands again. “Counting by twos is a pretty big deal,” he finally spoke up, trying to force a smile onto her face. “I didn’t master that until the second grade. She definitely got your brain,” he added, chuckling softly.

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs‌:

It took a moment for Addie to register exactly what was going on. Her heart felt like it was in her throat as it hammered away and she blinked a couple of times. Little Andi, not understanding why her mother wasn’t greeting the man in front of them, looked up in confusion and pulled at her shirt. “Moom!” She hissed and Addie snapped out of it, taking the little girl’s hand and bending down to her level. “Why don’t you go back into the living room and start the movie without me? I’ll be inside in a minute.” She gave the girl a gentle push to get her moving, knowing full well that there was an argument about to start. Andrea was stubborn as could be, a trait she inherited from her mother. “But I-” Addie shook her head and gave a stern look, and the little girl huffed before heading towards the living room. “Fiiiiine.” Addie stood up, looking at Andrew but keeping her distance. “…dinner on the stove?” She tilted her head. “…come on, Andrew. I’d think you would know this house would not be standing if I touched the stove.” She gave a small smile. She didn’t really know what to say, or how to act. Sarcasm was her first method of defense in awkward situations.

The joke was a funny one, a crooked smile appearing on his lips. “Seven years is a long time, maybe a small miracle could have happened and you learnt to cook,” he teased, the laughter slipping easily from his lips as he took in her face. It fell just as fast when he thought about the little girl, the little girl that had confirmed Adde was her mother. She was the right age... he was guessing... before he sat down on the bottom step, his back to Addie. “Is she... how old is she...?” he finally asked, unable to bring himself to turn his gaze back to the woman. He was terrified of the answer, for more reasons than he understood. If that little girl was his kid, how much did she know? Did she know that he had been in jail? Did she know why? Did Addie even understand why he had been dealing? Did she believe he was nothing more than a druggie? Did her parents believe that? His breath continued to catch in his throat, trying to compose himself long enough to hear her answer, not wanting to overthink until he knew for sure if it was even his little girl in there watching a movie.

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

adelejacobs·:

It had been a long night working a double shift at the diner down the road, but Addie had finally made her way home and just snuggled in with Andi to watch The Incredibles 2. Her parents were a huge help with watching the little girl while she worked, but she felt bad missing out on any time with her daughter. Right from the beginning, she made sure she was there for every milestone. Andi’s first smile, her first tooth, her first words, first steps…Addie didn’t want to miss anything. It got a little easier as the girl got older and she went off to school, but often Addie was called in for extra shifts, and she couldn’t say no to the money. It wasn’t easy being a single mother, but she made do with what she could. Sure, they didn’t live a lavish life, and yeah, she hadn’t had the opportunity to move out of her parents’ house yet, but that was okay. They were happy and healthy, and that was what mattered. Just as the movie started, they heard a knock on the door, and Addie groaned as Andi jumped up and accidentally elbowed her in the forehead. “Thanks, Andi…” She mumbled as the little girl called out her apologies and ran to the door to answer it. As it swung open, she looked up and tilted her head, offering the man there a smile, showing off that one of her top front teeth was missing. “Hi!” She gave a small wave. Addie came up behind her, still rubbing her forehead. “Andi, who’s at the-” She stopped, eyes wide as she saw who stood there. “…oh.”

Her voice registered in his mind before he looked up to see her face, his heart racing at the sight of her face, her voice now ringing in his ears. “Hi...” he managed to get out, running a hand through his unruly hair. She still looked just as beautiful as she had the last time he had seen her. She had come to his trial, but there had been only one instance of visitation, then even the letters tapered off and he was sure she had moved on. She had to have moved on, and despite his mind now racing with the small child between them, he tried to convince himself that she had moved on. “I... how have you been? I’m sorry I’m just... showing up...” he stammered finally, his hand nervously going through his hair again. “I didn’t know where else I could go... I don’t... I didn’t have anyone else...” he continued, before taking a few steps back. “I’m sorry. I can go. I should go, right? This... you probably have dinner on the stove and everything. I don’t wanna impose. It... it was good seeing you again, Addie... you look good...”

[andrewjbenson-blog1]

A beat up pair of sneakers that he hadn’t gotten to wear in seven years. A pair of jeans that were looser than they had been seven years ago. A ragged t-shirt that hung off his now slightly more toned shoulders. A haircut wouldn’t have hurt, either, but he had his small bag of personal belongings, an address in his hand, and just enough money for the taxi to the house. He hadn’t had any family before the seven years, just her. Andrew didn’t even know if Addie still lived at the same address she had, but it was his only hope at finding a way to get back on his feet. Seven years in prison, because a deal had gone bad. He had never used himself, he had a completely clean record, but the judge had been in a bad mood and he had found himself with a ten year sentence. Keeping his head down and working hard, he found himself released three years early, and if he stayed out of trouble for the first year, he could appeal to have the time removed from his record, a slim chance but one he planned to take. He hadn’t expected his teenage sweetheart to wait for him, but he hoped that he could at least use her couch. The house still looked welcoming. It looked lived in. Stepping up to the door, he knocked twice, expecting some older woman or man to ask if they could help him. What Andrew didn’t expect, however, was the little girl with Addie’s hair and his eyes to open the door, looking up at him with wonder.