𝖜𝖍𝖆𝖙 𝖜𝖊 𝖉𝖔 𝖎𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖘𝖍𝖆𝖉𝖔𝖜𝖘 𝖕𝖗𝖔𝖒𝖕𝖙𝖘.
these are taken from the show with the same title, may have triggering mentions, please read and reblog with caution, feel free to adjust any that you deem necessary.
tonight is a good night for the other guy, not me, to die.
they would call me the relentless because i would never relent.
being a vampire’s familiar is like being a best friend.
i would like us to get a colorful dust that sparkles.
i want to do something special for the immortal one’s arrival.
i am going to sprinkle it on my face and on my body. like twilight.
do you remember that first time we made love?
it was so passionate, i accidentally cut off your head.
all secret meetings take place in the fancy room.
you know what i’ve always wanted to try?
you’re protecting a vast empire.
we’ve been very careful not to stand out.
am i a morning person? that would be an enthusiastic yes.
we all know that sounds cool.
from panera bread you came, and to panera bread you shall return.
what is “arise” again? control-alt-seven?
my friends have noticed mood swings, unusual cravings -
it’s become pretty clear to me that i’m becoming a vampire.
i have this urge to turn my roommate to shreds…
the smell of beef and sulphur is overwhelming.
i could smell it on him, it comes from the groin.
i could sense he was getting more and more sad recently.
vampires have huge respect for owls.
they don’t give a “hoot” where they dump their scat.
vampires love virgins. it’s their favorite food.
fuck that guy for making me think i need to act more aloof!
vampire roommates… they’re forever.
what kind of goat sorcery is this?
i’m not really sure what my deal is.
i’m not going to do this if he’s pissing on the wall.
we were so poor we used to used donkey dong for fuel.
i can’t stand up, if you know what i mean.
what the fuck would anyone want with canada?
i would like us to get a colorful dust that sparkles.
we should feast on virgin blood.
you might bite someone, and then you think ‘ooh, those are some nice pants!’.
vampires don’t like nuns.
when you become a vampire, you become very…sexy.
this is what happens when you’re a vampire. you have to watch everyone die.
we’re vampires. we don’t put down towels.
at first i wanted to kill him, but now i’m glad i spent time to get to know him.
just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet!
at the start i was like 'oh no, like i'm– i’m dead’.
it’s kinda affected my friendship with normal people and my family and stuff.
the movie ’twilight’. have you seen it?
what, i can’t sunbathe? i can’t watch daytime TV?
i’m over being a vampire. it’s shit, so don't…don’t believe the hype.
you have not done the dishes for five years!
it’s unacceptable to have so many bloody dishes all over this bench like there.
i’m so embarrassed when people come over here.
you bring them over, you kill them!
i think we drink virgin blood because it sounds cool.
the neighbors can see you flying around the house.
do you want to draw attention to this house, hmm?
you’ve got a whole documentary group following you around.
we’re werewolves, not swear-wolves.
shut up! you’re not twilight!
you can’t go to the ball as blade. he’s a vampire hunter.
you will not eat the camera guy!
you ruined it. i was in the zone.
what are you doing tonight? are you going to kill some perverts?
i go for a look which i call dead but delicious.
get away from the sunlight!
why don’t you go smell your own crotches, huh?
more police will come. possibly even christains, which is totally the last thing we need.
we drank the blood of some people but the people were on drugs.
we drank – – we’ve done some drug blood.
you are supposed to support me when i want to kill someone!
someday they will all be dead.
how many more women have you slept with that just have long, dark hair?
this is horse piss. we are vampires.
you are a lying piece of old cabbage!
i mean, how old are you, nine – ninety?
do you have long left, do you think?
but a ghost? that’s where we draw the line.
maybe i should just bring a broom down here for you.
you have a very, very special power.
i’m sorry, vampires are real but ghosts are not?
i just want to make sure we’re on the same page.
the witches have been toying with our rugs again.
please get some witch-proof carpet tape and tape that rug down!
i am a little disappointed i didn’t get to be a american citizen.
i was really looking forward to buying a gun.
oh, you don’t need to be a citizen to get a gun. they’ll give those to anyone.
get up and stand on this ceiling like a man.
it’s quite amazing to see how far technology can go forward if you’re not paying attention.
i have been very unhappy since you left.
i just want to know what i can do to bring you back home.
it’s very difficult for me to say, so just let me get this out.
oh, that, that’s just my body spray. it’s axe.
you heard what he said. he knows we’re vampires.
we are just talking a nice shit together.
is there something you haven’t been telling us?
don’t care what the fuck your name is.
this was probably the way he wanted to go.
you know, when you care about someone and they just walk out the door.
that’s the tenth vampire i killed this month!
i can’t tell him i’m a vampire killer because then he’d have to kill me.
can you dust more quietly please? i’m trying to sleep.
all we need to do is send that to ten friends or foes by sunrise and the curse will be lifted.
where are we going to get the email addresses, the email address shop?
i’m guessing that’ll be closed this time of night.
i was just checking my emails, i didn’t know it would be full of curses!
i swear i am going to rip that man into shreds and make a dress out of it.
i’ve been watching a lot of shark tank lately.
there’s no such thing as vampire killers, you knob lord.
yes, i suppose i am a little bit stressed.
all i need is myself. i’m my own best friend now.
it’s like their souls are dead or something.
who doesn’t want to be a vampire?
you haven’t had an original idea since 1925.
come over here and put your neck in my mouth.
you have to get up and do it ‘cause i can’t get up.
what is this feeling i am feeling?
grief. i don’t care for it.
would you mind staying with me for a few moments, just until i fall asleep?
i don’t wish to be murdered in my slumber.
that’s very frowned upon in the vampire community.
i want you to know that you are my friend.
okay, you’re getting into some of your personal issues now.
i found out that my own familiar was killing vampires.
we should finish each other off and tell no one?
why is there all this dust on the floor in the shape of a body?
were you trying to make a girlfriend out of dust?
i will kill you! i will absolutely kill you!
the issue here is that i’m an invader and i was invading.
if you’re going to eat a victim on my nice, clean couch put down some newspaper!
well, that didn’t go so great. i hit the main artery, so yeah, it’s a real mess.
don’t look, my sweet darling, it’s too dangerous.
vampires have had a pretty bad rep.
we’re not these mopey old creatures who live in castles- well some.
they’re like one big circle just biting each other’s dicks.
you know they don’t even wear shirts, they were blouses.
i am an excellent crawler.
we will never forget that battle.
well, are you gonna be alright without me?
that is worse than a bible- that burns my eyes.
we are the bait but we’re also the trap.
i became a vampire at sixteen. that is why i always look sixteen.
i have received a message from a slouching beast in the night!
do you think i might have rabies now?
a church. makes me nervous to say the word.
i’m going to check my hotmail.
password? what is my password?
it’s a glitter portrait. it’s a portrait made from glitter.
look, its you! i made you a vampire.
i think he’s going to make me a vampire.
this is always really scary part for me.
so it’s 6pm in the night time… which is when i wake up.
i don’t want to know about that. stop gloating.
what are you doing with your hand? how dare you!
do you have any proof of this wild accusation?
while you were out running your errand, we were in very serious danger.
we could have been killed tonight, did you know that?
this is my office, also known as the hunting ground.
energy vampires drain people’s energy just by talking to them.
i don’t know about you, old chap, but i have raging hard on.
my darling, every time dough boy turns up, you start crying.
i decided to bite her and we’re going to be together forever.
we just thought ‘to hell with it’ you know?
well, don’t appear as a mist on the lawn then, you prick.
you can’t be fighting with werewolves on the lawn.
you’re still angry about that vampire that tried to eat you, aren’t you?
you promised you would turn me into a vampire.
it has been so long, you look the same.
it’s like they’re vampires or something.
to be honest, i don’t really care about being a vampire.
when i turn into a bat, there’s no real skill to it at all, i just shout ‘bat!’
your screaming disturbed me from my slumber.
you wouldn’t like it if a spider came to your house and dusted, would you?
save your confession until after i am dead.
why the hell would you be here for me?
there’s a fucking ghost on the front lawn!
i’ll do this just to show you how dumb you are.
i was being a vapor and i got sucked into an air purifier.
five spits for an enemy, lilith.
i haven’t slept in seventy - two hours.
now we are ready to go into town and party.
