the stars will witness your empyreal ballet

ao3 // carrd // icon ————-　➴　————- anni // 24 // self-indulgent writer (occasionally) and chuuya lover extraordinaire

[angelssdecay]

✲  a collection of my works and fics for genshin impact & other fandoms

✲ favorites of mine will be marked with a ☂ 

✲ total word count: 200.243

✲ last updated: 22/05/22

1) series: chilumi brainrot

1. no more games

Childe finds himself losing to Lumine in more than one way, but is he really losing though? - a short one-shot of Childe and Lumine after their weekly battle where she asks him about his ring and revelations and more happen

one-shot, finished, word count: 2.054

2. pinkie promise

Lumine babysits Teucer for the day and learns some really interesting things about Childe and their relationship, or: Teucer unknowingly becomes Cupid for his big brother

one-shot, finished, word count: 2.808

3. tales of love and jealousy

when you fall in love with someone, dealing with jealousy can’t be avoided - two different stories about love and jealousy, from childe’s and lumine’s pov

multi-chapter, 2/2 Chapters - finished, word count: 4.621

4. the brightest star - ☂   

'There is no journey that does not end. No meetings without partings.' Zhongli's last words held more truth now than ever now that Lumine finally made her way to her last destination: Snezhnaya, the realm of merciless Everwinter where she will have to face the Queen of Ice and Snow, her complicated relationship with Childe and ultimately herself

- My pride and joy ✨ and a rather personal project ; mainly Chilumi content of course but also some Aether/Lumine siblings dynamics at the end

multi-chapter, 6/6 Chapters - finished, word count: 33.653

5. appetence

appetence - (n.) - an eager desire. an instinctive inclination; an attraction or natural bond

Or: an AU where Lumine and Childe are nothing but roommates and friends - except they aren't because chemistry between two people can only be ignored for that long.

multi-chapter, 2/2 Chapters finished, word count: 11.673

6. the good in goodbye

After Childe sends Teucer home it's time for him to leave Liyue behind and go back as well and despite her doubts about the true nature of their relationship Lumine decides to send him off properly.

After all, that's what friends do, right?

one-shot, finished, word count: 3.599

7. it always takes two fools (or three) - ☂ 

Lumine was everything Childe could have ever asked for in a girl: strong, honest and kind. And unfortunately so oblivious that light bent around her.

No matter how much he flirts with her it completely flies over her head and to complete his suffering, Scaramouche has joined Lumine's party to make Childe's life even worse.

multi-chapter, 2/2 chapters finished, word count: 6.079

8. a sure win

“Big brother Childe, can you please help Klee then? I already troubled Lumine too often…”

Large crimson eyes looked up at him and Childe found himself melting even more.

“Of course. Who do you want me to kill?”

- or how Childe accompanies Lumine to Mondstadt to cause trouble and win the traveller's heart, while Lumine tries her best to deny her feelings but running into Klee kind of bombs both of their plans to pieces (that, and the poor fish of Starfell Lake)

one-shot, finished, word count: 4.154

2) series: butterfly’s dream (xiaolumi)

1. the first dream - ☂ 

He’d convinced himself that Lumine was a dream he didn’t deserve to dream. 

Not after all the blood he’d shed and would continue to shed until the soil beneath his feet was stained a dark crimson. So why did she long to be touched by him, by hands that were tainted with blood and death? Why did she seek for him to kiss her, her lips warm and soft against his, when he’d fought demons for so long he feared he’d become one himself?

He didn't understand her nor his own feelings and yet he couldn't fight dreaming about her.

multi-chapter, 4/4 Chapters finished, word count: 31.810

- honestly the fic i’m most proud of hehe; i loved writing for it and i hope you’ll enjoy reading it 

2. dream of ruination

he thought that leaving lumine to suffer on his own would protect her from his karmic curse - but instead it only made his worst nightmare come true when they meet again years later - at the night's end.

or: the alternate ending to the first dream.

one-shot, finished, word count: 5.278

3. under the stars - ☂ 

Weak for Love AU: Lumine and Aether feed off of affection...literally. Without love and attention, they will wither away. In order to stay healthy and strong, they have a string of people they’re not-quite dating so that they can cuddle on a regular basis, but they make sure not to develop serious feelings for any of them. It’s been working pretty well until Aether starts dating Ganyu.

And Lumine falls in love with Ganyu's brother who is the least affectionate person ever: Xiao.

multi-chapter, 5/5 chapters finished, current word count: 26.182

4. just for today

Birthdays are meant to be celebrated, especially if it's the birthday of someone you love and so Lumine tries her best to get him to smile tonight.

one-shot, finished, word count: 2.393

5. butterfly’s wings

"butterflies can't see their wings. they can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. people are like that too." - naya rivera

or: various short fics for xiaolumi week 2021, i hope you enjoy ♡

day 1: hurt/comfort day 2: nightmare day 4: warmth day 5: first date -- other days: tbd

multi-chapter, ongoing 4/? chapters, word count: 9.866

6. between hello and goodbye

life has been hard for her ever since waking up in this world, a never-breaking series of meetings and partings.

but thanks to a certain yaksha lumine realized that between hello and goodbye, there's always so much love.

multi-chapter, 1/2 chapters finished, current word count: 3.135

7. empyrean

“…but she is smiling. So I suppose.. it isn’t half bad to spend time like this. As long as she is happy… it is strange though, that my heart could feel so light just by watching her smile. If only…”

- or how Lumine stumbles over an echoing conch that carries the oddly familiar voice of someone she hadn't expected to hear from on the Golden Apple Archipelago.

one-shot, finished, word count: 4.254

8. not so secret santa

christmas is all about spending time with your loved ones, that much is clear to xiao after verr goldet's explanation. but lumine is not his loved one.

(at least not yet.)

one-shot, word count: 2.193

3) series: scarlet leaves & stardust light (kazulumi)

1. respite

it's just them and the ocean shimmering in a dream of green and blue below, a moment's pause before the storm will come.

multi-chapter. 2/2 chapters finished. word count: 4.846

2. love and grief conjoined  ☂

all she wanted was to comfort him, but love and grief will always go conjoined – you don't get one without the other.

one-shot, finished, word count: 4.396

3. basorexia

(n.) the overwhelming desire to kiss

one-shot, finished, word count: 3.043

4) series: the conundrum of love (albelumi)

1. adorned

Day 3 of Albelumiweek 2021 - Flustered

—

(...) And when he leaned closer until the pale curve of her mouth was close to his, he could see how her cheeks became adorned with hints of red and rose as she halted next to him. 

Her eyes were bright as stars and he couldn’t help but feel earnest adoration for her spread through him.

How fascinating.

one-shot, word count: 3.176

2. a painter’s love immortalized (in the stars)  ☂

Day 4 of Albelumiweek 2021 - Fantasy/Greek Mythology AU —

“Then, do whichever you wish for", Lumine said and turned away from him. "If you can keep up with me, that is."

Because what did it matter to her if a mortal admired her? Humans had feared her, prayed to her and begged for their lives in front of her.

It was all the same to her.

But this human, with those sea-green eyes and the empty smile. He was a curious one indeed and besides, what harm could he do to her anyway?

or: a goddess like her has no need for love but that doesn't render her immune against its thorns

multi-chapter, 4/4 chapters completed, current word count: 9.567

5) others

1. an interlude with a goddess

pairing: raiden ei x lumine

if only she was as skilled at cooking as she was at fighting enemies, raiden thinks to herself when she accidentally burns the traveller's teapot down to the ground.

luckily, lumine only smiles at her but the fluttering the shogun feels in her chest at that may be more lethal than her cooking.

1/2 chapters, current word count: 2.854

2. and therein lies the greatest tragedy

fandom: fate/grand order // pairing: oberon x fujimaru ritsuka

“I really hate that about you, you know?”

“I know”, she simply replies.

And though there is no crack in her smile or her voice, he can hear it. The ugly sound of something tearing apart in front of him, inside of him.

2/2 chapters completed, current word count: 6.228

[prettyboykatsuki-moved]

the itoshi brothers (and how bluelock handles betrayal as character motivation)

✦ or why i don't think sae hates rin afterall.

✦ a / n ; this absurdly long and absurdly extensive. my bad. also sorry if this is obvious to some people, sometimes it takes me a few reads fdfksj

i want to preface this by saying - i'm not really very invested in the itoshi brothers. or at least i wasn't originally. the character im usually most taken with is isagi, but i've sort of been wanting to dissect sae because i can't fully wrap my head around his character. and when i want to understand a character, i usually end up going through a re-read of their chapters and arcs - to get a feel for them and all.

sorry for the thick paragraph, but tl;dr this is the first time im really analyzing these two so if this is obvious to everyone else please ignore me asjdskjds

anyway. the analysis.

there's two things that need to be examined when taking a look at the itoshi brothers. the first being their relationship before sae took off to spain, the second being how bluelock sets up concepts like betrayal for the sake of improvement.

firstly - i think we need to address saes character on a base level. sae is shown to be relatively detached in general. whereas rin has forever been more of sensitive character - sae is critical and level-headed. i suspect this is partially accredited to his role as older brother.

but you'll notice that sae is significantly more gentle to rin. he's a good older brother, both encouraing rin to do well and play soccer with him. even if he lacks that sort of finesse with teammates.

from the beginning, rin idolizes his older brothers character. every goal he has is in some way relating to pleasing or impressing sae. it's not unusual for him to do as a younger brother, especially one who was obviously doted on by rin. it's very clear that rin loves his brother deeply and feels a need to earn his favor nearly always.

there's this conversation they have in ch.124 that really drew me to this conclusion and sort of shifted my perspective on this relationship. i had always figure that sae had experienced something in spain that we, the audience don't know. it's very bluelock for characters to change drastically due to some crushing defeat (case and point kunigami)

but i hadn't take into consideration what that event would've changed in these twos relationship where maybe i should've. the thing is that sae is always concerned about how rin will fare without him.

in this chapter, sae asks rin what he thinks about or considers with playing soccer and rin responds with something along the lines of - he's not really thinking. he uses instinct and has confidence his brothers passes to him. sae is of course critical of this.

aside from the very obvious affection that this two share - sae goes onto tell rin that he's going off to spain soon. he once again, encourages rin to do his best and not fall behind while he's gone. rin responds with of course, and promises to become best in japan while sae goes onto become best in the world.

from there, we see rins life as he continues to grow up while his brother is in spain for several years. rin is shown to feel a little bit lonely, but keeps his promise of dedicating his entire life to football. not only is he a good team-player, he spends his free time practicing alone because he has full faith in the promise that he made with sae when they were young.

whats noticeable to me is the way rin describes playing without sae as constricting or inconvenient. the sport doesn't quite feel the same without sae around, but rin continues to practice because he values his relationship to his brother.

it's coming directly off of a win that sae returns home and sees rin practicing, and it's here i had a realization about the nature of their relationship and their driving force.

and it's here where i really put together what the actual consequence of saes spain trip was.

but before i get to that, i want to touch on the way bluelock as a series handles the concept of failure and motivation. because there are two seperate instances where a character has some sort of major event happen to them - whether that be a kind of betrayal or a massive failure and that drives their character to improve farther.

the first one being kunigami and his transformation as the hyena. the second and imo - the more important one, the relationship between reo and nagi.

to keep it brief - nagi essentially 'betrays' reo by choosing to go with isagi and separate himself from reo in order to improve. while nagi doesn't entirely understand it as a betrayal (because he still considers reo a close friend) it is indeed a crushing moment for reo - who makes it his goal and his ego to be a player that nagi can play with.

in laymans terms - it's betrayal of a pairing that provides character development and is often used to highlight the intense bonds between two people. to be motivated by someone instead of something can only speak to how much you value that person, and want to play with them, right?

and that's where i want to pick up with rin and sae.

there are so many details about this scene to nitpick. so many things i want to shed light on because i just find it so interesting when i look carefully. sae returns home while rin is practicing on the field, and rin is incredibly excited to see his brother.

but it's obvious both to us as the audience and to rin that sae has changed somehow.

you can just tell that sae looks exhausted, where as rin has the same same expression as he did four years ago.

there are so many things in this panel that i think are worth analyzing. the fact that rin notices that sae has lost weight as a marker of just how much sae has changed. what he's been through.

and more specifically what sae says in order to summarize his experiences in spain.

"turns out the world is huge. there're players way better than me out there. i..i've changed my dream."

now, my understanding of japanese is none so i can't compare this to the raws. but i want to discuss the phrasing here with a little more nuance - specifically, i want to talk about the way sae has phrased the sentence.

you'll notice that sae does not say "my dream has changed". he instead says "i've changed my dream." and i think this is a testament to what happened to him in the fours years he was abroad. sae wants it to seem like its a choice he's made, if only to convince rin that he's fine with it. it's obvious that sae likely experienced whats very common for characters in bluelock - which is the mortifying realization that he was practically nothing in comparison to his peers.

we know what the means for sae as individual, in that he was deeply discouraged by what he understood as reality. but what does that mean for sae as an older brother? particularly an older brother who dotes on his younger brother.

rin is very against the idea of sae playing as a midfielder, and tells sae to his face that he doesn't want to see sae like this. he recognizes that saes change is actually stemming from a sense of defeat, and is against the idea of sae giving up his dream. and you can see in saes expression that he's saddened at rins reaction - thought he might've predicted it to some extent.

he's insistent on the fact rin doesn't understand, but hearing rin say "you're not the same brother i shared a dream with...!" causes the façade to crack momentarily. in the minute that sae is covered in shadow, we see his approach to rin changing.

and i think it's here i realized what the sudden attitude change was about.

sae goes onto to challenge rin to a one on one duel. he tells rin, that if you're able to win against me here then ill continue to believe in that dream. he absolutely crushes rin in the match, and when that match is over - rin finally confesses it outright.

its this moment where it all finally clicked for me that saes response here was entirely intentional. and the reason i know that to be true, and that the way he talks to rin here is insincere is because of the way he hesitates.

we get an entire panel where sae simply stares at rin and is silent. this isn't a gut reaction. we intentionally get to see the briefest moment where sae is hesitating to say all of this cruel shit to rin. because he knows rin will never stop idolizing sae or hoping for that dream.

and you'll notice the way he's using this moment to drill something in rins head for later on. he says something explicitly i want to talk to about

"don't use me as your reason to play football ever again."

its this moment that confirms it for me. this, on top of the fact we don't get to see saes expression when he says the last part. he's turned away from rin entirely - when he had been facing rin for most of this conversation.

that's the thing, though. sae to some extent, is familiar with the cruelty that soccer on the international level has to offer. in the early part of the manga, you see him have a similar reaction to bluelock and egoism as a concept. sae is intrigued by it and supports its core tenets to some extent, because he's seen professional soccer at its most brutal.

when you think about it, what reason does sae have to be so intentionally cruel to rin about not wanting to play football? if he was really so indifferent to rin, what reason would there be to crush him to that extent? wouldn't the appropriate response be just that, indifference?

sae's disposition is never naturally cruel. but his whims and feelings adjust based on input. he plays soccer and thinks very heavily about his moves. so if his experiences is telling him that he is no longer fit to be a striker, then what does that make of the promise he made to the younger brother he adored.

all of that to say, i think sae wants rin to become a striker and wants to continue playing soccer with rin. but he believes that if rin remains attached to him the way he is - he will never reach his full potentional. and in order to bring that full potential out - he's willing to be the catalyst and subsequently the villain rins story.

i think all of it, and the intentional salt in the wound is a mechanism for rins development which sae achieves by the end of u20 almost.

[gunmetallic]

itoshi sae x f!reader tags: afab reader with she/her pronouns, jealous!sae, oliver aiku causes drama, oral f!receiving, hand around throat but not really choking wc: 1.6k

There are very few events you go to with Sae, few that he bothers to attend himself at all. It’s the first thing Oliver notices about you, that out of all the partners to his colleagues, you’re the one he’s seen the least of.

The second thing he notices is that even when you’re there, Sae barely speaks a word to you.

He wouldn’t think you minded if he wasn’t really looking. You’re kind and sweet as you make your rounds to the other players and their partners, much better at small talk and remembering things about people (how’s the new dog? Giving you any trouble? A new house! Let me know your address so we can send you a gift.) than Sae has ever been in his experience. But you’re careful to always keep Sae in your line of sight, like you’re always looking to him for something. Approval, or attention, or something that’s sort of like both.

Sae has his back to you, clearly begrudgingly involved in a conversation with Shidou’s arm resting on his shoulder. This is the first thing Oliver makes sure of before he approaches you when you’re alone at the bar.

“It’s been so long,” he comments as he slides in next to you. He makes it sound casual, smiles sweetly, and you respond so easily in turn.

“Aiku-san! It has, hasn’t it?” you immediately perk up at him, and it’s something he can’t help but find quite adoring. You’re quick to ask him about his life, and he lets you play for a bit until he decides he wants to pay it no mind.

“Sae doesn’t really stay with you at these things, does he?”

His voice almost sounds full of pity, it shocks you with how direct it is.

“Ah! Well- we spend a lot of time together, so it makes sense that he wants to spend time with his friends at these things. They’re a crowd! So he’s busy with them, you know?”

You smile nervously, and it’s that little feeling again that gets to Oliver – like you’re waiting for a validating response.

He could give that to you. But you’d have to give him something first.

Oliver taps the rim of his glass, condensation running down. “Mm. And is he busy a lot?”

“I…”

It’s at this moment that you begin to realize how close he is to you. In the hesitation, he cups one side of your face with his hand, your jaw in his palm and his fingers grazing over your cheek. You’re frozen, staring at him in shock. You’ve been Sae’s for so long, when’s the last time anyone has had the nerve to put their hands on you? His hand moves down to your neck-

Sae is quick to replace Oliver’s hand, wrapping his hand around your neck fully, gently and yet without the constraint or tentativeness Oliver had. You can feel the warm of his body behind you as he pulls you in, so close you can smell his cologne.

He’s got his characteristic neutral, nonchalant face on, save for one quirked eyebrow in Oliver's direction. But Oliver knows, he’s seen Sae on the field-

This is Sae when he’s pissed.

 “Happy to have you join us.” Oliver smiles, but this time it’s something a little more wicked. He knew he would come fetch you at some point, but he didn’t think it’d be this fast, that he’d notice this soon.

“You think this is some type of game?” If Sae was a lesser man, the sentence would’ve been spat in Oliver's face. It’s a near thing.

“Ha? Women are never a game.” Oliver pushes his weight off the counter, walks past Sae with a shrug. “Just didn’t think you liked her that much.”

Sae clicks his teeth, looking like he swallowed something unpleasant. He squeezes your neck a little tighter.

“Let’s go. I’m sick of this.”

~

“Sae-san, I-”

“Quiet.”

It’s not said aggressively, not like a command, but he still watches the way you go silent immediately in the elevator down. Even though you want so desperately to say something, to make things right. You are good to him. He knows it too.

“Oliver likes to mess around,” he sighs, one hand rifling through his hair, an air of exasperation. You don’t entirely get it, but it’s as close to it’s not your fault as it gets with him.

It’s in the silence of the car, darkness illuminated only by headlights and traffic lights, that Sae finally allows you to speak.

“Do you think I don’t like you enough?”

Your eyes go wide immediately, your hands waving in front of you. “W-well, it’s not- I know you’re really busy! And you barely go to these events, so you should spend time with your friends.”

You’re too nervous to notice it, but he watches, listens to you with full intent. His finger taps against the steering wheel.

When he parks and gets out the car, you don’t wait for him to open the door for you. Something in that irritates him, makes him frown. He throws his keys into the bowl in the entryway with a jangle, and when you turn around from taking your shoes off, he’s already in your space.

His hands are on your waist, pressing you against the wall. You try to protest but he silences it with his lips on yours, his hands on the back of your thighs and hoisting you up. Your purse falls somewhere on the ground. But you don’t care. You can’t care, because Sae is hot and heavy against your mouth and between your legs. He presses you into the wall further, grips your thighs tighter, holds you up easily with one arm as he wraps one hand around your neck and kisses the remaining exposed skin.

It's only for a moment before his hand moves back down to roam under your dress, pulling your panties down fervently, the way the fabric sticks to your slick already is something he doesn’t fail to notice. Makes him wonder if he really has been neglecting you.

He tucks them in his pocket and then he’s falling to his knees. You think you whisper his name but you can’t tell over the shuffling. Your feet never touch the ground, he lifts you until your legs are resting over his shoulders, holds you up like this. You try to tell him, “Sae, we’re gonna fall,” (he wouldn’t drop you, don’t you know?) but he doesn’t say a single goddamn thing. Just bunches your dress up and presses his mouth to your cunt.

The broken moan you let out is nothing short of song to him. There’s nothing to stabilize you except for grasping his hair in your hands. You’re a little scared, but he doesn’t stop you, doesn’t reprimand you. If anything, he presses deeper into your cunt. Swipes his tongue up from bottom to top. Makes you sob with the way he zig-zags his tongue up your slit all the way to your clit. He’s always like this – a tease, in control. He holds your arousal in his hands and on his tongue and he knows how and when to make you drip, in a way that ensures only he’s able to drink.

It's sickening, the way he makes your mind fog immediately, makes nothing exist but him in this moment. He does it a few more times before he relents. This is meant to be a reward, after all. An apology, maybe. He presses his tongue to your clit and kitten licks a few times. Envelops the bud in his mouth and swipes over and over, grips your plush thighs tight. You don’t know how long he does it because you feel like you can’t breathe, breath coming short, gasps that are like drowning. He watches you through it, your chest rising and falling, your hands shaking in his hair.And then he speeds up and your core tightens and your body comes crashing, first up, and then down. He holds you steady against the wall as you whine, your hot cum drooling into his mouth that he swallows up willingly, tight core finally relieving.

You heave as you come to your senses, nails scratching at the nape of Sae’s hair as he laps your oversensitive cunt, making you jolt. He licks you clean before he lets up, taking a deep breath. He kisses each side of your inner thighs, and then once more on your clit for good measure, smiling as he hears your broken whine once again.

He finally lets up. Holds you tight so you don’t slump to the ground. He kisses you deeply, lets you taste yourself on his tongue, makes out with you until you’re out of air.

Don’t think I don’t like you. He wants to tell you, but instead he wraps you in his arms, presses a kiss to your forehead.

“Why don’t you go shower first and get in bed, and I’ll meet you there?” His voice is gentle, actions soft, pressing another kiss to your cheek.

You look up at him doe-eyed. “Don’t you wanna-?”

“Mm. Later. You go first, okay?”

You’re too wobbly and wrung out to protest, so you go when he gently leads you both to the bedroom.

The words get stuck in his throat as he closes the bathroom door for you. I really do love you.  

He hopes you might already know.

author's note: sorry to make oliver a bit of a villain in this LMAO in his head he’s just tryna save you from what looks like a failing relationship! if anything he’s your knight in shining armor <3 too bad that didn’t work out how he wanted it to hm

[mattsundaes]

hi dee, merry christmas eve eve.

if you’re still taking drabble requests, i propose reuniting with famous ex-bf sae at a hometown xmas party

i don’t forgive you (but please don’t hold me to it) 🎀 itoshi sae x f!reader

4k — 18+, exes to lovers, infidelity (not sae x reader’s relationship), fingering, unprotected p in v, creampie, praise kink, oral fixation, finger sucking, angst with a hopeful ending, playing fast and loose with sae’s timeline, timeskip

a/n: i listened to phoebe bridgers - punisher (the album) on repeat nonstop while writing this. recommended for the vibes!

“I knew you hated me. But I didn’t realize just how much until tonight.”

A voice interrupts the silence on the back porch of the Itoshi household, its owner someone that you’ve spent the better part of the night avoiding. Your tongue caresses the back of your teeth, fingers subtly tightening their grip against the wooden railing. 

It feels like it might snow.

“Since when do you come back here for Christmas? Did you need to come sign some hometown autographs to boost your ego?” you ask, voice dripping with sarcasm as you stare out into the dark backyard, rather than turning your gaze to the ghost now standing beside you. 

Itoshi Sae laughs, and the sound cracks against your ribcage like a whip.

It reverberates against the grooves and fissures that still linger there, ones that might as well have been carved by his own hand. It races through you like a cold wind. It makes your lungs burn. 

You find it difficult to breathe for a moment.

And it takes everything in you to appear as unbothered by it all as you wish you were. As you’d like him to believe. 

“I heard from Rin that you’re working on your master’s degree now.”

That’s not any of your goddamn business, you think to yourself. 

“Rin has a big mouth—and since when are you two on speaking terms?”

Sae shrugs, leaving you to stew for a moment as you try to decide whether or not to be annoyed that Rin neglected to share that pertinent bit of information with you.

To be fair, the nearest object usually becomes a projectile weapon by your hand whenever the mention of Rin even having a brother comes up in conversation though. 

At the very least, you’ve stayed close with one of the Itoshi brothers.

And it’s bad enough that you have to dodge Sae’s stupidly famous name like the plague any time you dare to indulge in any piece of football media for Rin’s sake. Fuck him for being so good. 

(At least, that’s what you try to tell yourself. Rather than believing the alternative—that you’re just pathetically hyper aware of Sae in his absence, of all the space he left behind in your life. That five years later, you’re still slowly bleeding out from something that shattered into so many pieces, you don’t think you’ll ever find the last sliver.)

Inhaling sharply, you finally turn to face him. 

It’s not fair, not really—what the sight of him still does to you, even now. Even after all this time. 

Sae’s hair is tousled in a purposeful way, and his eyes are still as sharp as ever. He’s wearing sleek boots and fitted, dark wash jeans, his upper half covered by a jacket that’s likely as expensive as it appears.

He looks far better than he has any right to while you’re standing out here wearing a silly, ugly Christmas sweater that’s an annual staple of Itoshi holiday parties (your parents have been neighbors with them since you were a kid, so you know the drill by now). 

You try not to think about how you fell in love for the first time with the man standing five steps away from you here, between this dark backyard and the one nestled beside it. Beneath the shade of towering oak trees, in the plush grass on warm summer days with sticky popsicle fingers and sweat-slick skin. 

About how terribly you missed him when he left for Spain.

How you didn’t fully understand what you felt until he came back to Japan after you graduated high school. 

How you fell in love with him all over again. 

How he kissed you for the first time in this very spot, with one hand on your waist and the other cupping your cheek. You remember the way this very railing felt as it pressed into your back, the humid summer air and the buzz of the cicadas and the fireflies that winked in and out of sight around you. 

How you fell a little more in love with him every day over the four years that followed.

And you remember that you were standing here when Sae called you five years ago and told you that he’d cancelled his flight. That he wouldn’t be home for Christmas. 

That he didn’t think things were working anymore.

You couldn’t have disagreed more, but he didn’t give you a chance to argue. 

“Why are you here, Sae?”

He looks out into the darkness beyond in the yard before turning back to you. “Rin said you’re engaged.”

Self-consciously, you tuck the hand adorned with said diamond ring into your pocket. 

Sae’s eyes track the movement. 

“And?”

“That was quick,” he says calmly. 

The anger that rears up inside of you is so quick and sudden, you hardly have a chance to reign it in. 

“We’ve been together for two years. When you know, you know,” you shrug, ignoring the raw feeling at the back of your throat as you push the words out. 

Sae’s quiet for a moment, taking the subtle jab for what it is. “Where is he tonight?”

This time, you don’t hold back. “What, were you hoping to be politely introduced as the reason why I was a fucking emotionally unstable mess when he met me?”

His facial expression flickers. “I’m not going to apologize for not letting you continue to burn yourself out juggling a long distance relationship and a university degree between time zones. For not letting you choose me over your dream internship.”

“So you broke up with me over the phone three days before Christmas and mailed me all of my shit and went radio silent for five years? To show how much you cared about me?”

Sae takes two steps forward, shortening the distance between the two of you with tangible purpose. 

“You would have tried to talk me out of it, to come up with a solution that wouldn’t have worked.”

You nod, voice bordering on a frantic laugh. “So you made the choice for both of us. Because you know best.”

“Do you think I wasn’t hurting?”

Turning away, you wrap your arms around yourself, the cold finally seeping in past the adrenaline pumping through your veins, sinking into your bones in a way that makes you ache. 

“The only thing that could possibly hurt you is football.”

This time, it’s Sae that laughs, but it’s less amused and more self-deprecating now. And without warning, something heavy and warm settles around your shoulders, the musky scent of cologne enveloping you. 

Sae comes to stand in front of you, leaving you wearing his jacket. 

He’s wearing the goddamn stupid, ugly Christmas sweater with a dog on it that you bought for him years ago. 

“You’re wrong,” he says quietly, breath coming out as a white, whispy cloud of condensation. 

You wish you were. 

Ripping off his jacket, you shove it back into his arms before storming back inside, heart on the verge of pounding its way out of your chest and through the slats on the deck to burrow into the dirt below. 

—

You manage to avoid Sae for the next hour or so, mingling amongst other party guests and pointedly ignoring all of the excited chatter about the footballer’s festive homecoming. 

Rin doesn’t push, not in front of everyone, but you can tell by the concerned way he keeps glancing over at you that he’s aware you and Sae have talked. 

It’s only on your way to use the upstairs bathroom, hoping to glean a moment of quiet after your time out on the porch was so spectacularly ruined, that you find yourself distracted. 

There’s a dim light on in Sae’s childhood bedroom. 

And this is where he finds you again, standing frozen in the doorway and staring at the constellations projected on the walls by the small sphere-shaped lamp sitting on the desk in the corner of his room. 

The two of you used to lie on his bedroom floor for hours staring at the stars on his ceiling. 

“Does he make you happy?”

You’re expecting it this time when you hear Sae’s voice.

“Do you feel that’s any of your business?” you ask tiredly. 

He slowly walks past you into the room, sweater and jacket both seemingly discarded downstairs. He’s stripped down to a white t-shirt now, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans. 

“I made myself let you go so that you could be with someone who would make you as happy as you deserve. I don’t think I deserve your answer, but I’d like to know.”

You curl your toes against the carpet beneath your feet—just like you used to every time a silly teenage confession for him was trembling on the tip of your tongue. 

Your engagement ring feels cool and heavy on your finger. 

You hate him, hate this. Hate this effortless vice grip he still has on your weak heart. 

“You made me happy,” you tell him, voice hardly above a whisper. 

You hate that you know he made the right choice. 

Sae blinks. 

You would have left everything behind for him—school, your career, your future. 

You were content with weekends spent tangled up in hotel rooms between his games, with failed exams and missed assignments and a life spent in suitcases. 

“Aren’t you dating that model?” you blurt out, scrambling for something. Anything. 

He nods but doesn’t offer anything else. 

“Well, why didn’t you bring her here?” It’s a battle to keep your voice steady. 

“I didn’t want to.”

He—

“What, you didn’t want her to see you jealous if I brought my fiancé?” you joke. 

Sae lets out a huff of air—it might be a laugh.

“Something like that,” he responds quietly, gaze shifting to the window.

“Tell me why you’re here,” you say again.

The sound of voices climbing the stairs floats through the open door, and you step further into the room, pushing it closed and locking it behind you before crossing your arms. You’d rather not be interrupted by his drunk aunts. 

“I wanted to know how it would feel.”

You tilt your head. “How what would feel?”

He gestures to your hand, to the new diamond just hardly glinting in the low light. “Seeing a ring on your finger, knowing I didn’t put it there myself.”

The ground beneath your feet feels marginally less solid as your gut churns and your nerves sway. Your teeth sink into your cheek, pain blossoming as you bite down. 

“And?”

Sae runs a hand through his hair. 

“I hate it.” 

It’s blunt and raw, the way the words slide off of his tongue. And he stares at you when it says it, refusing to break eye contact. You take a step toward him, no reasonable explanation for the movement beyond the fucked up magnetism that still pulls you toward this false promise of true north. 

“Why, would you have gotten me something nicer?”

It’s dizzying, this conversation. The way words keep coming out of your mouth unbidden, filling the gaps in years worth of silence. Stroking a bruise, scraping a scar. 

“You hate gold,” he replies evenly, and your hand subconsciously goes to your neck. To where a silver chain sat for years before you finally tore it off and threw it in an envelope marked with Sae’s address. 

His eyes wordlessly track the movement. 

“Do I?”

He steps toward you, closing the dwindling gap further. And you swear you can feel it—a subtle charge in the air. 

Sae nods, reaching out to lightly take your hand in his. He holds it up to inspect. “And this diamond’s too big. Too square. You like small stones, something vintage.”

He’s right. 

You stare at him, all too aware of the familiar feeling of his skin against your own. 

“You sound confident.”

He knows he’s right. 

And he doesn’t falter. “There’s been a ring sitting in a small, velvet box in the back of my closet for five years. I haven’t forgotten what it looks like.”

A—

Words die feebly in your throat as you weakly croak, “—what?”

Sae sits down on the edge of his bed, looking down at his own hands. “I had it all planned out. I was so fucking nervous, it was ridiculous. And then I woke up that morning and realized that I was being selfish trying to tie you down to me permanently.”

He meets your gaze as you stare back at him, dumbfounded. Your knees feel weak.

“You were going to propose?”

Sae nods.

You move to stand in front of him, your socked feet nudging his own. “Did you fly all the way home to finally tell me that?”

He looks up at you. “I don’t know.”

You’re not sure what happens first—the brush of your knees against his own or the spreading of his thighs. But you find yourself between his legs all the same, denim resting against your sheer stockings and the fabric of your skirt.

“What am I supposed to do with this information, Sae?”

His eyes burn through you. 

“Tell me to get rid of the ring. Tell me you want nothing to do with me. Tell me you hate me.”

His words strike like flint against the raw edges of your nerves.

“I hate you,” you tell him, even as you reach out let your fingers ghost along the curve of his jaw.

Sae’s eyes fall shut, and he leans into your touch.

You let your hand slide higher, into the soft locks of his hair. 

His intake of breath is audible.

“I hate that you left me. I hate that you made the choice without me. I hate that you were right, because I never would have come this far in my career, and I never would have gone this far with my education.”

“I’m sorry—” His voice comes out hoarse, and he collapses forward, head pressed against your abdomen.

“I hate that I still love you, even now. Even after all this time.”

Sae’s arms wrap around the backs of your legs even as he mumbles, “Don’t say that.”

You feel like you could catch fire at any moment. 

“Why not?”

He shifts his head, rubbing his face against the bottom edge of your sweater, and the material rides up just enough to expose a sliver of skin. 

“I don’t deserve to hear it.”

You drag your hand to the back of his head, tugging the hair there to tilt his chin upward to meet your gaze once more. Your heart lurches in your chest at the sight before you.

“Probably not, but you decided to kick off honesty hour, so.”

Sae tips his head back downward, his breath hot where his mouth rests against the bare skin above the waist of your skirt.

“I wish you’d tell me not to touch you.”

You shiver. “Should I?”

“Yeah,” he breathes out.

You don’t answer him as every reasonable part of you goes quiet, drowned out by the blood rushing in your ears and the reckless desire that shamelessly shudders its way down your spine.

“And if I don’t?”

It’s pointed this time, the way Sae’s lips press to your stomach in an open-mouthed kiss. 

Logically, you know this isn’t right—standing here between your ex-boyfriend’s legs in the darkness of his childhood bedroom. Not with an engagement ring on your finger. Not when he’s got a girlfriend waiting on him somewhere. Not when this well should be dry, this bridge should be burned.

The bruise should be gone and the scar should be healed.

But—

But you’ve known him more than half of your life.

And for as much as the past five years have hurt—

For as much as you’ve missed him.

For as much as you’ve wanted to forget him.

For as much as you want to hate him.

—you’ve never regretted anything when it comes to Itoshi Sae.

Not once.

You climb onto the bed, straddling Sae’s lap. He reaches up, pointer finger curling beneath your chin as his thumb presses against the edge of your bottom lip.

“I can’t promise I’ll be a good man if you don’t tell me to stop,” he murmurs.

Your pulse quickens, and you part your lips slightly, heat flooding your gut as Sae slides his thumb into your mouth. 

This is a terrible idea.

You flick your tongue against the tip of the digit, and he holds your gaze as he slowly pulls his thumb back out.

“I want you to touch me,” you finally say.

Sae’s other hand, now resting at the base of your spine, slides up your back, stopping once he’s cupping the back of your head. He leans in, forehead resting against your own.

You’re maddeningly aware of every single spot his body is touching yours.

“Say it again.”

You let your nose brush against the side of his as you murmur, “Touch me, Sae.”

It drags all of the air from your lungs—the feeling of Sae’s lips crashing into yours.

His mouth greets you like a long-lost lover, like a dog-eared page. Like worn in soles and the perpetual creak in the step at the bottom of the stairs. 

His lips move with the purpose of car tires down a street you’ve known most of your life. With the muscle memory of feet across a childhood home in the dark. 

Tongue dancing against the seam of your mouth, your lips part for him, desire and longing cresting in equal measure as he grasps your hips and pulls you impossibly closer.

Sae kisses you like he hasn’t kissed you in five years.

He kisses you like no time has passed at all.

He kisses you like he wants to tell you something more between tongues and teeth, between slick saliva and gasping breaths. 

You don’t mean for it to come out so desperate, so needy—the way you breathe out his name when he takes your bottom lip between his teeth and bites and sucks his way to the edge before letting go.

“Sae.”

You hardly have time to register the way the room spins when Sae’s grip on you shifts, your back softly colliding with the mattress as you find him staring down at you. 

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks.

You shake your head, and he moves backward, pushing up your skirt, spreading your legs and settling down between your thighs. In the meantime, you slip off your sweater and toss it aside. Sae watches you do it, watches the way the tight black tank top you’re wearing underneath clings to your body, the way your peaked nipples sit on display through the fabric of your thin bralette. 

The heat that licks within your abdomen flares white-hot when he drags a thumb against your mound, your stockings already damp from the arousal soaking through your underwear.

There’s a slight tug in the material, followed by a ripping sound.

“Really?”

“There was already a hole.”

“You’re lying.”

Sae shrugs, but he doesn’t look sorry about it. “Yeah.”

You don’t have a chance to give him a hard time about ripping your stockings, not when you’re suddenly met with the feeling of two of his fingers sliding through the slick, creamy folds of your bare, soaked slit. 

“Sae,” you whine.

The bed creaks when you buck your hips upward while he circles his middle finger around the outer edges of your fluttering hole.

“You have to be quiet,” he murmurs, staring at you intently as he slowly slides a finger into your tight channel. 

You try to swallow it down, the moan that dangles at the edges of your lips while the slender digit slips deeper into your cunt. But as you tightly grasp the sheets on either side of you, it’s a lost cause when he pulls it out, only to stuff it back in up to the last knuckle. 

Sae’s mouth closes over yours, tongue sliding in past your lips in a messy, spit soaked kiss. You moan into it as he slowly finger fucks you, one digit becoming two, his thumb stroking your swollen, aching clit with each stroke, with every thrust. 

“Always loved how wet you get for me,” he rasps before capturing your tongue between his lips and sucking on it, the sounds nearly as filthy as the slick, creamy squelch of your cunt around his fingers.

You gasp, spine arching, thighs spreading wider as you rock into his touch, hands stretching downward until they brush the stiff press of Sae’s erection against the zipper of his jeans.

He groans into your mouth before pulling back, murmuring against your lips. “Are you sure—”

You squeeze his cock through his pants in return, kissing him again. 

Sae’s exhale is labored as he extricates his drenched fingers from your pussy just long enough to kick off his jeans and boxer briefs, leaving both in a discarded pile on the floor as he climbs back on top of you.

Your soaked panties and stockings are a lost cause by now, not worth the battle of peeling off, not when the torn hole allows him to rub the leaking head of his cock against your slit all the same. Tears of pleasure prick at the corners of your eyes as stares down at you while he eases his shaft into the grip of your cunt inch by inch, until he’s balls deep and your legs are wrapped around his waist tugging him impossibly deeper. 

“Fuck,” he gasps, one hand splayed at the back of your head, the other sliding up your shirt and beneath your bra to palm at your breasts.

Just the sensation of his thumb stroking its way across one of your pebbled nipples alone has you twitching beneath him, cunt grinding against the base of his shaft. Your muscles tremble with pleasure as Sae pulls out of you, only to rock back in. The room echoes with the wet sounds of your pussy swallowing his cock, the accompanying little moans begging to trickle out past your lips silenced by the two fingers he slides into your mouth in turn.

Because Sae hasn’t forgotten any of the little ways to take you apart, not at all.

There’s no apprehension in the way you shamelessly suck on his fingers, a trail of drool spilling out past your lips and dripping down your chin, the arousal churning between your legs going molten. 

“Good girl,” he murmurs—if for no reason other than the fact that he knows what it’ll do to you.

And the way your pussy clenches down on his cock makes it abundantly clear.

The corner of Sae’s mouth lifts, caught somewhere between a smirk and a rueful smile. It’s the satisfaction that he still knows you, that this is more than just muscle memory. 

He knows you like the stars know the night sky.

Like the shore knows the tide.

He kisses you again, languid and deep. Like this means so much more than a quick fuck on a cold December night caught in the throes of the liminal space of his childhood bedroom.

Like this means so much more than finally ending it where it all began.

“I love you,” Sae gasps against your lips as he thrusts into you.

The coil wrapped tightly in your gut unfurls, rapid and quick, and a scorching wave of pleasure washes over you as your cunt spasms and contracts around his length.

“I love you, too,” you choke out, bordering on a sob, and Sae’s fingers brush away the tear that slips down your cheek as he fucks you through your climax.

You can feel when he’s on the verge of pulling out, and you shake your head. His lips crash back into yours with a rough groan as his cock pulses inside of you, spilling rope after rope of thick, hot cum deep in your cunt.

Sae eventually collapses beside you, rather than climbing off of the bed, and he pulls you to his chest. You lie there like that for a moment before slowly sitting up, and he watches you quietly as you raise both hands, grasping your occupied ring finger. The sound of metal clinking against wood echoes in the silence of Sae’s bedroom as you turn to the nightstand before laying back down beside him.

He takes your now-empty hand in his, pressing his lips to the heel of your palm. 

Like the shore knows the tide.

[angelssdecay]

some low effort hsr memes because i can

[noose-lion]

How can Chuuya, beloved by the fandom, be so misunderstood by the fandom?

[petitesmafia]

“How many are attacking?”

“One.”

[angelssdecay]

love lies bleeding

sometimes love lies bleeding, after cutting like the edge of a blade ( but it always heals the cuts it made)

a/n: i swear that chuuya is the love of my life - and this is precisely why i have to put him through a little pain even on his birthday <3 please don’t pull out the pitchforks ok there’s gonna be happiness at the end of course

word count: 2.027

warning: light angst, mentions of the nasty but sadly enough i’m completely incaplable far too lazy to write full-out smut

sometimes love lies bleeding, after cutting like the edge of a blade.

“you could have died,” chuuya says, his voice so guttural you almost flinch.

“and yet i didn’t,” you say instead and simply brush right past him into the darkness of his apartment.

you don’t even have to turn around to know that chuuya is gritting his teeth to bite back the words he was about to hurl at you. the way he’s slamming the door with force is more than enough to tell.

it was an old argument both of you know neither of you is going to win yet neither party could will themselves to bury it.

“all i’m saying is that you should have been more careful,” chuuya mutters through gnashed teeth but frowns when his eyes meet your furious ones as you turn around to face him.

“i will once you start honouring your own advice,” you snap, annoyed with how bitter your voice sounds.

annoyed, with how visible it is to him because without another word chuuya simply closes his eyes and leans back against the door.

“i just don’t want you to get hurt like this.”

the cord tightly strung around your hear all day finally snaps despite knowing how childish it is.

“well i’m sorry i’m not a god like you but i can handle myself perfectly fine,” you laugh at him devoid of any humour”, and that’s rich coming from you anyway, mr reckless! this isn’t your battle alone you know?”

of course, this is what sets him off once more and for the next few minutes the silence between you two drips from all the poison you can see he’s trying to hold back.

you know that the sensible thing would be to simply let go of all the anger you’re feeling. but every time the two of you argue about each other’s safety having lost its meaning in the face of your field of work you can’t help but feel yet another paper cut on your soul when he once again worries too much for you and too little for himself.

you understand it; both love and hate how he always cares for you more than himself, especially in the heat of battle. love, how devoted and caring he is with anything that holds his heart. hate, how he fights without any regard to himself if it keeps everyone safe. worry, that he will save everyone - except for himself.

and yet you can’t fault him for it when you do the same out there.

‘every time you almost die, i almost die myself.’

the words he said last time he had to carry you home still cut through you.

you understand him, really.

after all it hurts you no less having to imagine a life without him.

but that doesn’t stop you from getting bleak with despair it drives you insane whenever he comes home battered and bruised; it doesn’t stop his heart to fill with worry he doesn’t know any other way to express other than with rage cascading over his face when it is his turn to tend to your wounds. 

you always make up with each other anyway, no matter how deep the cuts are. 

you know you’re going to make up this time too. 

you could make up this instant if you simply stepped forward and over your stupid pride preventing you from doing so. but right now you’re so tired and your heart still stiff with hurt, even more so because this is not how either of you has envisioned his birthday to be.

you remember this morning when you woke up in chuuya’s arms, his eyes bright and blue against the dimming light shining through the curtains. a lazy smile was curled on his lips as you wished him a happy birthday before pulling him for a sloppy kiss.

it should have been a perfect day for him. but of course life never spared anyone and much sooner than later you two found yourselves twisted into yet another battle instead of the lazy brunch you had planned for him. 

you can feel your anger over the ruin of your plans burning in the back of your throat, wondering how longer both of you would have to endure days like these so you wouldn’t have to endure in the future. 

but neither of you would win this argument, so you simply swallow it down and turn away from him. 

—

it’s amazing how a simple shower can shift the way you view the world, you think as you walk back into the living room to find chuuya staring out the window just where you expected him to be. his back is turned to you but even so you know his gaze is fixed on the city he devotes his very being to protect. 

you could see the choices ahead of you very clearly, whether it was punishing the both of you by choosing to leave him alone and go to the bedroom to be just as alone and miserable.

to leave him to another night where everything reminded him of the ways life kept wounding him. perhaps even leave him for good, so he would have one less liability - because in your darkest moments that’s exactly how you think about yourself.

or you could take his hand and stop him from breaking himself trying to make everyone happy, and remind him that you’ll be by his side and someone he can come home to - regardless of how often you two will cut each other.

after all, you also heal each other’s wounds.

it’s hardly a choice at all when you gaze at him standing all alone, outlined against the silver-coloured sky.

because as hard as it had been to earn his love, it was even harder to let go of once earned.

noticing the shift in air next to him as you take your place at his side, chuuya chances a sideways glance at you. and even though he turns away immediately you don’t miss the wave of relief breaking over his face when he notices the shirt you’re wearing that was undoubtedly his, and is now your favourite to wear.

it’s a peace offer he silently accepts when your fingers twine with his and you follow his gaze over the skyline.

“i used to hate this city with every fiber of my being.”

it startles you how soft his voice sounds despite the brittleness of his words, though it’s not as if you can blame him. yokohama’s decay runs much deeper than both of you thought after all, and no matter how much you both fight or sacrifice - some things might never change.

but –

“but this is our home,” you finish the sentence for him.

‘and we’ll protect it no matter the prize. because if there’s something you have to protect, you’ll find that the world is still beautiful.’

the way he squeezes your hand back, pulse against pulse, closes the wound when chuuya finally looks at you. the silver moonlight casting its light down outlines his features, softening them despite the harsh edges on his face.

“yeah, this is our home,” he quietly says and you know he’s no longer talking about yokohama alone.

it’s at this point that you can no longer take the space separating the both of you, arms reaching forward and around to pull him into you. it’s hard not to feel relieved when he almost buries himself in your embrace, face soft against the sensitive skin of your neck.

“i’m sorry for earlier,” you mutter against his skin, impulsively delighted at the way he shivers almost unnoticeably.

“i’m the one who was wrong and yet you come to apologise first and comfort me. you’re such an idiot,” he says but it’s muffled by the way he tightens his arms around you to pull you even closer.

“well, “sorry” isn’t exactly an integral part of your vocabulary so i thought i’d take the bullet here,” you can’t help but tease him a little, fully expecting chuuya to give you the scowl you’ve come to love so much 

- but instead he only chuckles before skimming his lips along the edge of your jaw and then to the soft spot behind your ear.

“i know other ways of apologizing that would be way more convincing anyway,” he husks lowly.

it’s almost a little pathetic how quickly you react to him as your fingers clench against his back when he bites your neck and presses you flush against the window. his hand is now gripping your jaw, devoid of any gentleness and immediately you fail at trying to hide how much he wrecks you.

but well, you do owe him the rest of his birthday after all, you grin to yourself as your free hand roughly pulls his hair.

the groan he gives is more than satisfying.

—

the two of you never even made it to the bedroom, instead curling up against each other between pillows carelessly thrown on the couch. through the window you can see the first traces of sunlight breaking through the sky before trying to peek at chuuya who’s snuggly curved into you.

there’s just something about his sleeping face, lashes dusting over his cheeks and even breath that always wrecks your heart with the timeless pleasure of being the only one to see him like this.

of course, chuuya catches you staring immediately when all of a sudden you feel his arm warm and heavy against your back.

“you should get some more sleep,” he grins at you, slowly opening his eyes that are just a little too bright and blue for someone who you though to be asleep. “you can stare at me later all you want, i’m not running away.”

childish as it may be, you can’t help but pout, try to wiggle away and fail terribly - much to chuuya’s delight as he holds you even closer. part of you is more than embarassed at being caught but truthfully you doubt you’ve been doing a great job at veiling your yearning looks in the first place.

“i was only staring because i didn’t know how to tell you that you were drooling,” you mutter with as much dignity as you can for someone that most probably looks awfully flush.

the poke of his fingers against your ribs driving a groan out of you is more than a fair response before chuuya suddenly rolls you on your back and pushes into you without warning. you’re more than sore, but pull him in anyway with a laugh that stops him in his tracks.

“what?” 

“i just remembered something,” you say as you brush your nose against his, slow and gentle like the pace he sets. “the day we met.” 

it’s to no one’s surprise that the grin on chuuya’s face only widens at that, his eyes sparkling blue and bright.

“i bet you thought i was really handsome,” he hums, moving his hips in a way that makes you gasp before you slightly shove his shoulder for that, though it only serves to make him laugh again. 

you don’t think you’ll ever tire from hearing him laugh. 

“actually i was wondering if you lost your mommy somewhere and i should call the-”

you don’t get the finish your sentence because just as expected chuuya growls in a way that makes your toes curl as his fingers dip into your hips, and it’s now your turn to laugh.

“ok, yeah. i did”, you finally admit in-between laughter before you lean forward, smiling against his lips. “and i thought to myself what a bad idea this was and that i definitely needed to stay away from you.”

it’s almost impossible not to laugh at the momentary look of insult flashing over chuuya’s face before he’s grinning again.

“seems like that didn’t work out for you,” he says tauntingly, making you chuckle.

“i failed rather spectacularly though i’d say,” you reply before you wrap your arms around his neck, deciding that there are far better ways to spend the morning.

[angelssdecay]

Why Zhongli isn’t just a blockhead (though sometimes he is) – another essay by yours truly

Disclaimer beforehand: I am partly Asian, but I am not Chinese and as such don’t have a complete grasp on the richness of Chinese lore and history although I do try to keep on educating myself about it. If you see I made any mistakes, missed out on something very important or accidentally said something I shouldn’t have please don’t hesitate to point it out for me, I’d really appreciate it. This analysis was mostly for myself and because I wanted to set a few things right about some things I’ve seen and encountered about his character in the fandom, that is all. 

This analysis ended up to be quite long (over 1.3k words oops) despite me keeping some points out of it on purpose to make it more compact, but I hope you’ll enjoy my thoughts nonetheless!

-          Zhongli is not, and has never been, simply a brute without a brain despite his undeniable trail of destruction left in the wake of the Archon war – everything he’s done, as immoral as it may seem to humans, has been done with the image of a more peaceful future in mind and the wish to create a better world for those inhabiting it. 

-          And let’s not forget that he is extremely cunning and always waging decisions carefully considering he has planned out such a grand scheme from faking his death to implementing Childe in this game of his, and using everyone in Liyue for his grand, final test 

- though he did not do so without a thinking about the weight such a final decision would hold, but instead hought long and hard about it through observations of Liyue’s people and how they would fare without his divine intervention from now on.

-          Zhongli is without a doubt not a 110% good character, he is indeed manipulative, irrational and inconsiderate of individual human lives to a certain degree and I won’t say that his objectives erase the way of his methods, after all everyone knows that the path to hell is paved by good intentions-

-          but it’s simply impossible to define any character in Genshin in such black and white/ good and bad ways because each and every of his decisions is very nuanced - he is not only selfish, Zhongli is also incredibly selfless at the same time because all that he did was for the people of Liyue, he gains literally nothing from all this apart from his rest from his immortal duties, and he is not heartless either because despite making just yet seemingly cold decisions it also has to be said that such hard decisions cannot be made and set in stone when one let’s themselves swayed by emotions

-          To come to another point: After living so far off from the mortal world for so long – because watching over humans isn’t the same as wandering amongst and living with them – it is no surprise he is quite detached from them, his heart despite his love for Liyue having petrified little by little and he knows it.

-          Yes, Zhongli definitely knows he can’t escape eventual erosion, petrifying little by little, that he will wear away as a river wears away a mountain - but still he lives on to uphold the memory of those that have faded to dust, had sacrificed their very lives to help pave the way for a peaceful and prosperous Liyue and also to carry the weight of sins he has committed in the war – he thinks and he cares so, so much and to conclude this:

-          I literally cannot stress enough how he carries so much responsibility, so much history on his shoulders – he is living history – even more now that he’s the only one left to carry on the hopes and dreams who have long passed and that this is an incredibly lonely task. It’s just heart-breaking to think about what he’s carrying with him day by day.

-          And to come to one of the most important people from his long life and who helped to shape him into who he is now: Guizhong.

-          She was one of the people who taught him that his heart is capable of more than just living for his duty, that he doesn’t only have to live as the God of Martial Arts – they were not just ‘brawns and brain’ – they were a team that complemented and completed each other

-          and Guizhong (and consequently her death as well) pushed him to embracer the other sides of his personality as well. It doesn’t matter whether people see their relationship as platonic or romantic, because the impact she has left on him is the same – as someone who believed in his gentler, more caring side

-          Zhongli is also incredibly thoughtful and perceptive, seen in the way he talks - a very refined and elegant way with every word laced by the wisdom he has accumulated without it being overbearing or coming across as absolute with no room for doubts - about various important characters in Liyue right now – accurately pinpointing their strengths and weakness and how valuable they are to making the land he has protected for so long continue to prosper

-          for example when he talks about the Yuheng and that despite, no, because of her abrasive attitude towards his deeds as a good she is a gem amongst humans and one of the many people he places their trust in to take care of Liyue’s future in his stead. Or Yanfei, the young half-Adepti who despite never having entered a contract with him, or rather doesn’t even know of his true identity upholds order and contracts within Liyue which he praises and values

-          It shows how deeply he cares about this land and its people, believing in their strength to overcome everything even without him – which is one of his most defining traits – seen in the way he has guided humanity all these years and in the way the people of Liyue have faith in him, a faith that isn’t blind or caused by fear like with Decarabian, but true respect for all he has done for the people of this land.

-          to say he’s a blockhead who doesn’t think nor care about humans is completely wrong because his entire rule for the past millennia was centered around protecting mankind – yes, it has to be said that his methods and morals are outside normal human values but it has to be kept in mind that he is an immortal god and gods neither feel nor live like humans, they understand and perceive the world differently than humans

-          gods stand outside out world and that makes it harder for them to truly connect with the way humans live - and it is only after stepping down from his throne that he actually has the chance now to try and experience the life of mortals for himself, to see and live it for himself and not as the distant overseer that Rex Lapis was.

-          and while he may feel sadness over not being needed anymore, giving up his godhood is the freedom he chose for himself, it’s something he deserves after watching over mankind for so long and trying to keep balance between the world or mortals and supernatural being

-          being free, being allowed to be selfish and think of himself outside of being a god is something he’d never done before being so incredibly bound to duty, contracts and traditions as he is; but by now he truly believes that this is the age of men as the end of the age of gods is coming to its end and it’s a beautiful thing to see him grow beyond the boundaries he had set for himself the past thousands of years

-          though in all fairness, sometimes our beloved Ex-Archon can indeed be a little of a blockhead considering he dumped the entire world of Teyvat into a financial crisis by stopping the production of one of the most important catalysts for everyday life – something that may not unfold its consequences immediately of course

-          – and even forgot to lay aside a private fund of mora but that’s because he isn’t accustomed to normal human life at all, he is still learning and more than willing to expand his horizon despite the vast knowledge he’s already accumulated over years of his life – and in the end that’s what makes him such a brilliantly lovable man, am I right?

[angelssdecay]

respite

even the lord of crime needs some rest and it’s in those rare moments that you get to see a side of him no one else does

i wanna kiss and marry him so badly i mean just look at him, so forgive this heavily self-indulgent garbage

You woke early in the morning, surrounded by warmth and the first rays of sun shining through the curtains, drawing patterns on the wall behind you. Through the door you could hear noisy talk coming from downstairs, a sign that the colonel was already butting heads with Bonde once again. They really were quite the pair, you thought to yourself with amusement before you yawned and tried to stretch - just to went still when you realized why you’d felt so warm.

When you turned your head to the side you were met with the sight of William curled into your side, the sun outlining his face and hair in gold. It was quiet in your room, the silence only broken by his even breathing and you froze in shock when you noticed his arm curved around your body and holding you close to him. 

Though your shock quickly got overtaken by aching tenderness unfolding in you, when you remembered how you crawled into his arms the night before as he was still sat at his desk and working late, as usual. You’d tried everything to get him to rest because god knew the man was working too hard - from poking his sides to nuzzling his cheeks with yours and outright begging him to come to bed with that pout on your lips you knew would have him putty in your hands most of the time 

- but Will had only chuckled good-naturedly at your, as he said, adorable antics before promising that he’d go to sleep with you soon. But this work, as much of a nuisance it was, really needed to be finished first. It left you pouting on his lap but you didn’t want to disturb him and as it seemed that he didn’t mind your company as one of his arms had wrapped itself around you waist you stayed where you were. It had been far too comfortable and so it was no surprise when you drifted to sleep under the sound of his even scribbling on paper and the warmth of him seeping into your skin as you leaned back into him. William must have carried you to bed and fallen asleep soon after.

You couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him carrying you to bed and simply enjoyed the warmth shared between you two. His head was resting on you, moving up and down with the rise and fall of your chest and when you turned your head to get a better look, your heart went over at the sight of his face: that delicate softness of his sleeping expression, long eyelashes dusting over his cheeks, his mouth completely relaxed and unguarded, and golden locks completely tousled, so achingly adorable with the way they were in complete disarray - a stark contrast to his usual, graceful self.

It only made you love him even more.

You knew he needed to get as much rest as possible and so you slowly, very carefully untangled yourself from him - though not without feeling a little regret at having to leave him - and clenched your fists in the sheets loosely draped around your bodies to stop yourself from peppering kisses all over him.

But after a few moments of silently admiring his features the urge to touch him became almost unbearable and so you leaned forwards to brush a loose strand of hair out of his face, followed by a light kiss to his forehead. And before you could stop yourself kisses to his cheeks and down his neck and collarbones followed suit. Fortunately, William was still fast asleep when you finally willed yourself to pull away.

At least that was what you thought because just a moment later when you turned away, you spotted a motion out of the corner of your eyes and before you could even yelp in surprise his hands already came up to your sides to tickle you, making you erupt into a fit of giggles.

“Not fair“, you breathed out in between laughter. “I thought you were still sleeping.“

His lips only curled in amusement as he opened his eyes and his ruby gaze met yours, his trademark smile playing on his face.

“What a delinquent of a darling i have to attack me like that in my sleep.“

You couldn’t help but pout slightly, more in play-pretend than anything though it didn’t fool him. It never did, you knew that all too well but it was a game between you two that both of you loved to play anyways.

“I don’t think the lord of crime has a right to call me a delinquent“, you finally managed to respond and tried to give him your best glare. 

But to your dismay William only laughed, still some remnants of sleepiness left in his voice that made your heart flutter, before he drew you back in to press a soft kiss to your forehead.

“All’s fair in love and war.“

[angelssdecay]

cuddles with the colonel

that’s it, that’s the post tbh. i brainrotted this idea out in @infinitebells discord and will post it here for her because she asked so nicely, please enjoy <3

and bear with me please i only just got back to tumblr after years of hiatus i forgot how this works

while moran seems like a more casual type of man who just wants to get straight to your panties to the point he does enjoy hugging and snuggling you though he hides how warm it makes him feel him inside with that ever-confident smirk playing on his lips

why? because he’s so incredibly weak to innocent affectionate actions - mainly because he’s so used to extremely flirty behaviour and dirty innuendos and jokes from women trying to get into his pants… or him into their theirs that they don’t even faze him anymore

but sweet gestures and genuine affection for him like soft forehead kisses, letting him lay his head in your lap with one hand gently stroking through his hair or a simple hug from behind - all those will have him dead in seconds because he’s never really let anyone close enough to experience it

although it needs to be said that he’s great at hiding the butterflies in his stomach with that shit-eating grin always evident on his face. he knows that it’s kind of ridiculous to hide it from you but his male pride is just too big and he has a reputation to uphold, thus he doesn’t openly shows how warm your affection truly makes him feel.

he’s a moron without a doubt, but he’s your moron so you don’t mind it all too much and he always makes you feel secure in your relationship anyways

that said, moran knows he is an utter pain in the butt not only for the moriarty squad but to anyone who’s actually loving him and despite being utterly unapologetic about it - after all you chose to fall in love with him despite (or maybe even) because of his loud and boisterous demeanour - he really appreciates your unconditional love

but moran being moran doesn’t show it with elaborate love confessions or grand gifts, he’s just not that type of man - instead he shows it through teasing affection like squishing your cheeks and trapping you in his strong arms whenever he feels like it (which is quite often because it’s… moran)

running away from him? fat chance, you’re staying there and gonna endure all his teasing remarks as he wraps his arms around and seats you on his lap with your back pressed against his front and your head against his neck

and while it’s very warm and comfortable and dear god, he never wants to let you go with how right it feels to hold you; he just can’t stop himself from being playful about it - or rather he doesn’t even want to stop himself because well, that’s moran for you

so he’s gonna squeeze you a bit and laugh when you squirm in his grip and try to escape his hold and lets his hands wander around sneakily because it’s fucking moran we’re talking about before he nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck and it’s just blissfully comfortable when he holds you still like that

though that only lasts for mere moments because the next instant he’s slightly biting into your neck and you can literally feel his smirk widen against your skin when you complain about not being able to cuddle him with peacefully for once without him making it suggestive again

not that it fools him though, the way you arch back into his embrace despite the sharpness of your words tells him how much you enjoy his little, teasing ministrations. it’s just his way of showing love and whether this leads to more or not - well that’s up to you two…

“Come on, princess. Just admit that you like it here“, he says with his breath fanning over the shell of your ear and tickling the sensitive skin around.

You have to try your hardest to stifle a gasp but the way your body squirms in his embrace gives you away immediately, and you can’t help but curse him for having that power over you. There’s no need to try and turn around to see the expression he’s making because you just know that he has that all-too satisfied grin on his face.

“I’ll admit to nothing”, you answer with the utmost dignity that you can muster to stop yourself from satisfying his almost cruel curiosity. But you make no more attempts to wriggle your way out of his arms and so it’s no surprise Moran only laughs in response. 

You can feel his whole body rumble with the force of his laughter and while a part of you wants to smack him, it’s just so damn warm and comfortable in his arms you only grumble under your breath and lean back into him, enjoying the comfortable hold he has on you.

It doesn’t last for long because all too sudden you can feel him shift and then his lips are ghosting over the underside of your jaw before they make contact with your neck where they give a quick bite that has you biting down on your lips to stop yourself from gasping. 

“That won’t work on me, Colonel. I still won’t admit to anything”, you hiss between clenched teeth because it feels just so good but you are just too stubborn to give him what he wants that easily.

But unfortunately for you, his lips lingering on your skin are only curling up into a wide grin at your reaction.

“Guess I just have to try a little harder then.”

[angelssdecay]

Why Xiao isn’t just some edgelord, an essay by yours truly (or: I need sleep)

Before you read!! 

This was mainly written because I kind of got tired of Xiao being labelled as ‘edgelord’ a lot of times and while I have nothing against it when it’s jokingly said (after all I call Childe a ‘clown’ all the time or Klee ‘Arson child’ haha, you get what I mean) I also feel like him getting meme’d as that leads to a lot of mischaracterization. I’m not here to attack anyone or anything!! Just sharing my personal thoughts about him influenced by his canon lore in game + headcanons I developed while writing fics for him. I hope you don’t mind my brainrot.

-            I suppose that a lot of Xiao’s characterization as an ‘edgelord’ comes from his wildly dark history and the way he expresses himself (like growling when he’s thinking about his past memories) that is quite different from other characters in Genshin when he’s not like this because he wants to but because he’s been shaped by his trauma that reaches wide into the past and the fact that he doesn’t belong in the human world   -          he is stuck in the mortal world while having to defend it from otherworldly beings and forces that threaten to destroy the fragile balance between both worlds, and it’s a task he fulfils with pride because it was given to him by Rex Lapis, the god who saved him from his former master – 

-          an evil deity who had abused and used him and forced him to commit atrocities that still haunt him to this day; he never wanted to kill, he never wanted to have to take away someone’s dreams but he was helpless to resist and in the end he stained his hands with so much more blood than he ever wanted to   -          taking his trauma and the way he talks about it and labelling it as ‘edgy’ is plain disregarding towards the pain he went through in his early years when his innocence was stolen from him and then utterly destroyed until Rex Lapis saved him and gave him his life back, a duty he can be proud of and the chance to regain a bit of his former gentleness because that’s who he is deep inside: a kind and gentle soul that never wants to hurt anyone

  -          not to mention the trauma he experienced by having to watch the only family he ever had, the other Yakshas, perish one after another – whether it was because they were consumed by the darkness they fought and killed one another or because they died in battle – he wasn’t able to save any of them and while it’s never talked about in-game lore I doubt that their deaths didn’t leave a mark on him that lasts till today. To be heralded as the last Yaksha is surely not a title that Xiao is proud or happy about.   -          to get to his character trait of him usually keeping his sentences curt and to the point (like his good morning line ‘’We're wasting time. Let's go.’’) and him growling when he thinks about his sorrowful past that probably made people label him as edgy – does it really surprise anyone that he doesn’t talk like humans from Teyvat talk when he’s a) not human and b) has spent almost all of his life in solitude?   -          which would obviously lead to him being extremely used to dealing with emotions and humans; despite having such a kind and selfless heart (more to that later) but he’s just not used to conversing with humans - mainly because Adepti need to keep their distance from humans lest their adeptal energy will harm them   -          when Xiao kept his distance from humans all these years, it was for their own good (something he says during the first meeting with the traveller and something I think he firmly believes in because past encounters with humans never went well for them and again, he doesn’t want to hurt anyone and certainly not humans)   -          and while he’s gotten used to living in solitude I don’t think he actually enjoys having to live like this – he’s incredibly lonely and suffers from it - and just like every living being he longs to have someone to talk to and who understands him, even appreciates him although this is something he wouldn’t dare to wish for because it’s something that can’t be fulfilled (Lumine: sikes you thought you can stay alone forever, yeah too bad for you I’m here for you now)   -          it was stated in the article about Xiao and his creation process how curious he is about the human world despite trying to hide it from others (and himself too because longing for something you can’t have or take part in hurts like hell and god knows he’s experienced enough in his life) -  but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t yearn to experience those feelings of warmth and love that most humans as well   -          and when I say love I don’t necessarily mean romantic love although I don’t count it impossible for him (though it would take a long time for him to break down his own walls and find the courage to love and be hurt, and I think abrupt love confessions would frighten him because he simply never experienced it before – a life of bloodshed and battle certainly don’t help with understanding his own or other hearts)   -          no, what I mean are the different kinds of love he’s seen humans share with each other – a mother’s love when she puts her child to bed with a goodnight kiss, a friend’s platonic love when they hug their friend who’s sad or simply out of joy – it’s all things he never got to experience for himself but secretly longs to experience as well (fight me on that because I’ll die on that hill)   -          and this also leads to me firmly believing that he doesn’t hate humans no matter how often he ‘mocks’ traditions and customs – it’s mainly to hide his own curiosity and longing to join them knowing that he doesn’t belong with humans. But he certainly doesn’t hate them no matter his words because you can’t guard and protect someone without loving and caring for them. If he truly despised humans he would have never risked his life and soul for as long as he has to protect them.   -          and he knows that he will never receive any gratitude for the suffering he endures, nor that anyone will pray to him, or even pray for him to come home from battle safely – all he has left by now is himself and his duty he proudly continues to fulfil to honour his fallen comrades and his contract with Zhongli – and yet he keeps fighting such a thankless and seemingly endless battle without any complaints or lamenting his cruel fate; if that isn’t kindness then I really don’t know anymore   -          not to mention that if he truly was an ‘edgelord’ he’d be lamenting his cruel fate or curse at everything for forcing him to live such a life devoid of any warmth and joy – but he doesn’t. Because no one survives thousands of years with a heart full of hatred and no one understands that better than him who has fought against the lingering wrath and hatred of fallen gods.   -          and while Xiao himself doesn’t believe that he is kind (after all both his hands and soul are stained by blood, he’s nothing more but a weapon or so he would say if someone told him he’s kind) it’s his selfless and devoted nature and his love for the simple things in life – a nice dish of Almond Tofu, flowers, the soft tunes of a flute - that make him such a gentle soul – he just doesn’t realize nor acknowledges that part of himself   -          so if someone loves him they have to love all the cracks in his soul and try to pour their light into them, be patient with him because it will take him a very long time to get used to all these feelings, to the reassurance that he is loved and also deserves to be loved, after all this is so foreign to him and very likely to frighten him but in return he will love unconditionally and be forever loyal as he is loyal to the land he continues to protect 

...and what more could anyone ask for, right?

[angelssdecay]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28964484

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