My queer little self was feeling needy for a while and it led me to spend a lot of time over on bdsmlr. I knew there was a potential to get attention from people, and ultimately was right -- but it was all from men. But not enlightened men. No queer people of any variety.
Just...unenlightened straight men.
Men who liked to invalidate my identity by telling me I’m not trying hard enough to “just be a girl.”
Men who wish I’d shave my body so they can see my worth, something found exclusively between my legs.
Men who refuse to not call my underwear ‘panties’ and then get upset if they see the “TOMBOYX” across the band of my briefs.
Men who only think of women who are thin and pale and whose labia barely exist. All breasts and lips and clit plus a few holes -- and they so seldom notice if that woman is wet in the first place.
Men who take the need for lube personally.
I minimized my size and my androgyny as much as I could for them, so touch-starved and lacking some sort of connection. Eventually it’s all just too much and I start to tear myself down, shred myself to ribbons, because I can’t quite fit in -- something I’ve never been able to do without some sort of failure along the way.
“You look like a man in that dress.”
“You need different shoes.”
“You should grow your hair out.”
“You really need makeup.”
I want to see more people like me -- first, for validation, and second because I find androgynous people and butches to be absolutely stunning. So I guess that’s why I’m here. I want someone to find me beautiful without the lens of the male gaze. I want to believe there’s a place for me in this world that doesn’t stop once someone realizes I’m not a stereotype for them to make assumptions about.
The fact that I can search for “butch” and find the types of people who have been making my knees shake for years makes me think I’m in a much better place than before. Here’s hoping.
2087
vaporwave
ellievsbear
