going off the deep end

a beastly alien far from home | it/its, hy/hym, ze/hir | young adult by human standards ~•~ this is, in part, a vent blog. do not reality check, do not ask us to tag unreality. this is your one and only warning.

[animalistic-alien]

Rufus. it/its, hy/hym, ze/hir. shapeshifting alien, holothere (clinical lycanthrope/zoanthrope), plural. adult by human standards.

🟄 we are a cetacean. as an infant, the stem cells of a dolphin and whale were implanted in our body, where their genetics have propagated. dolphin seems to have taken precedence, but there is still whale; having the genetics and biology of a dolphin(+), that is what we consider ourselves to "mostly" be. a dolphin with an alien skin suit.

🟄 we are a werecanid, with our primary forms being eastern coyote/coywolf (Canis latrans var.) and Vancouver Island sea wolf (Canis lupus crassodon). we can change into many other forms as well (eg, wolverine, bear, long-tailed weasel). in the past, the red wolf (Canis rufus) has also been a primary form.

🟄 there is no part of us that is human; our alien body was experimented on by another "higher" species before being implanted in a human here. we are still being watched by alien scientists, and we liken our experiences to the Rat Park experiment.

🟄 we are considered a clinical lycanthrope/zoanthrope by humans, and we find community among other CLCZs. we do not, however, believe this is a delusion. we will not listen to anyone who tries to imply it is one.

🟄 we are bodily intersex and physically disabled; we also have multiple different personality disorders (NPD, ASPD, AvPD) along with polyfragmented, programmed DID. our plurality is (currently) highly spiritual in nature. we are also schizophrenic and incredibly paranoid.

🟄 we are not human. we do not have a "human form", only a human-appearing facade. even if humans can't see what we are, we know what we are, and they know we're different from them.

["block on sight" list & tag list below]

blocked on sight - against endogenic, created, spiritual, or mixed-origin plurality; against physical nonhumans; against "contradictory" IDs (eg., lesboys, turigirls, afab transfems/amab transmascs, etc); believe fictional tastes dictate real life morals; reality check without permission

~ 🟄 ~

#Rufus posting - original posts #Rufus after dark - nsfw posts. minors block this #reblog - reblogged posts. will be sparing #id hoard - labels we identify as/with #image - posts with images

#image described - images with alt text #image undescribed - images without alt text

#on beastliness - in-depth, introspective posts about being an alien #on humans - posts about the bullshit humans do and/or have put us through

#bodily difficulties - posts about our physical disabilities #brain difficulties - posts about our personality disorders and auDHD #pluralness - posts about our plurality, which will probably be on the rarer side

#entry 0 - this post #blog management - managing the blog

note: we will not tag unreality for anything related to our experiences, and we will not post any unreality (we have the tag blocked ourselves). if you're sensitive and think our experiences would be triggering to read, block and move on instead of yelling at us.

[animalistic-alien]

how are people finding this blog to follow it. we don't tag main tag anything and we haven't posted in months. what

[animalistic-alien]

we don't know if we're an alien, really.

we're a dolphin. we know that. we know what species. half of us is dolphin, the other half is whale. one captured, one beached? both beached? i don't know.

we're a werecaniform. unless that's where being an alien comes in, although in the timeline we've pieced together, our abusers specifically intended us to be a (were)dog.

sometimes we feel extra... limbs? fins? things on our abdomen. two extra arms, two extra fins, two extra nubs, whatever. that shouldn't be there (it made us wonder, briefly, if some part of us was a shark--psychological origins, most likely; we didn't think we were physically a shark at the time, although we determined that we likely weren't a shark). that lines up most with being an alien, but we just don't know when alien-(ity/ness/other suffix to denote the state of being [root word]) would... appear, for lack of better word.

we know at least part of us is of Earth. at the very least, the dolphin part is. but there's still some part that makes our stomach curdle. makes us nauseous with anxiety. some hook in the back of our mind clinging to but what if we're an alien? no matter how hard we try to ignore it. no matter how hard we try to point to all of the other things.

it's possible the "human" child we were mapped onto wasn't actually human, was an alien implanted, and that's why its form is so off. why so many things were different and strange (in a way, of course, that humans understand as disorders and symptoms). we did theorize in some of the first posts on this blog (now deleted) that we did not simply replace a human child in the world, but were placed inside of a random human. to be watched and considered.

or maybe we aren't an alien, and we're coming up with connections that don't exist.

it... sucks. not having any sort of clarity. not being certain of anything. we try not to think about our alien family that we were so convinced we had, try not to think about the extraterrestrial origins we were certain we were of. it's easier not to think about it. makes things simpler. things are already complex being a dolphin and a whale and a fucking werecaniform, so many beasts at once. why would we want to be more? how would this have come to pass? how would it have come to pass that the "human" child these other humans stuffed a dolphin and a whale into, just happened to actually be an alien? and then that thing that was already an abomination from the start just happened to be turned not just into a weredog like our handlers hoped, but into a werecaniform?

i don't know. maybe we should stop thinking about it so hard. maybe coincidences happen and we should stop questioning shit and chill the fuck out.

[animalistic-alien]

we tend to shy away from this kind of thinking, but maybe being an alien explains some of our weirdness? some of our physical weirdness, anyway. the main things we're thinking of are both genetic.

were our genes spliced, in some way? alien DNA getting merged into a human genome--is that how we ended up here?

but we're fully an alien, we know that. the human facade is just that--a facade. pardon the spirituality, but the facade isn't part of our physical form, it is more... magical in nature. our real body isn't human. that's why we don't feel so much dysphoria as others do, that's why we don't feel the need to transition--we're already as we should be, and we personally don't care to try and force humans to see our body the way we do by modulating the facade that is, ultimately, unreal. we don't like being seen as a human, but we're self assured of our true body, and so are able to stand it. we also just personally wouldn't be able to stomach being treated worse than we already are when there would be very little benefit for us to counter it.

unless we weren't spliced with a human. unless we're multiple different alien creatures put together when they never should have been, and that is what causes our genetic issues. huzzah! an answer?

but then, how did we end up in the body's mother's arms? were we swapped at some point as a baby? it seems unlikely that we were substituted when we were older.

(unless an unfortunate human child was killed, and we were forced to take their place. unless a terrified human child was murdered, and we were deemed an appropriate replacement--especially if the abusers in question were more advanced than humans, especially if they were to give our body that child's likeness, give our mind that child's--admittedly sparing--memories. how awful to think about.)

[animalistic-alien]

it's scary trying to lean into being an alien again, after so long of trying to deny it and avoid it. we had good reason to do so, but the situation is different from what it was, and we're not so vulnerable (at least not mentally/emotionally). we're not just falling down a rabbit hole like before.

... but that doesn't stop the fear reaction, because the fear reaction has no nuance. and now our stomach hurts because of the fear reaction we're trying to push through. being an alien isn't hurting us, it's just what we are--it's the reactions and fears related to it, spawned to prevent a certain thought process that we're not even having right now.

sigh.

[animalistic-alien]

we aren't physically a protogen, of course. we're something else entirely, we know that. i think we just find a lot of comfort in protogens and feel a great deal of connection to them (perhaps in a transspecies way? unsure).

between being created, not born; direct parallels in their lore to programming and OEA trauma; the utter lack of control many of them have over their own lives; just the fact that they are aliens is... i don't know.

maybe it's... a little bit disturbing that we want to physically be one? that we wish our facade could shift and mold into the form of one. inherently, they are made for a specific purpose, and are made to be entirely subservient to their creators, and if they stray, they are mind controlled until they obey once more--and if that does not work, they are hunted until they are killed. ones that are deemed useless are abandoned.

we've already felt and experienced much of that before, due to the OEA. why would we want to go back to that?

but we don't want to "go back"--i think, and maybe i am wrong about this, but i think we want to be one of the lucky few that escape, that are free, that get to build their own lives outside of under their creators' thumb.

(and, in any case, universes away, the creators of protogens obviously couldn't get to us. "well, duh," the less spiritually/metaphysically inclined may think, "they're not real, they're from a fictional universe." we're under a belief in the infinite multiverse, that every universe that could exist, does. a universe where protogens (and, thus, their creators) are real has been dreamed up already, and so naturally could exist--and so, does. we won't knock other people's beliefs (or lackthereof) about the spiritual and metaphysical, we simply ask that we not be treated as foolish, naive, or crazy for our beliefs--especially since any human could believe in the same thing and you likely wouldn't bat an eye (unless you're just an asshole that believes you know everything. in which case, you probably won't like it here and should promptly exit))

[polyporpoising]

(under the cut largely for our own sake; talking about protogens and being an alien. cw for mentions of OEA programming as well)

we've always had a deep and intense connection to the stars. is that it?

it's not just that. repeatedly, we've come to the conclusion that we're an alien, and that's why we're so strange--and then we back off, for one reason or another. Snail always gets antsy and afraid when it comes up. there's been times where it got dangerous for us. protogens are aliens. is that it?

it's not just that. protogens, according to their lore, are created; and, according to their lore, mechanical things are attached to them. we often feel like we were created by others, and we feel that the human facade has been attached to us. is that it?

it's not just that. protogens are made for a specific purpose, and they are meant to be subservient--because of our programming, we've felt very similarly, and some part of us longs for a return to that kind of simplicity, in spite of all of the trauma that came with it; some part of us wishes that we could have that, but in a not-harmful, not-abusive way, somehow, even though it's almost inherently abusive. is that it?

"you don't have to label it," we try to tell ourselves. "it can just be." but it can't. trying to understand what and who we are is a Sisyphean task, both in its futility and its inevitability. there is no world in which we're comfortable with simply being.

there's a lot of reasons why we, at the very least, relate to protogens, relate to the idea of being one. it feels like an answer to a degree, even though it really isn't one.

we hate being afraid of what we are--what we might be. being an alien means we couldn't have been born to the body's human parents--unless we could have been, somehow. unless we were implanted, somehow. but if we weren't, that begs the question of how we got here. were we swapped at birth? during some examination later on? is there a human out there that carries the same features as our facade (or similar, if they haven't [yet] gone on testosterone), completely unaware of who their biological parents are?

was some sort of swap done in our early years, through programming? how would we have the memories that we have, then? unless the programmers themselves weren't human, or otherwise had access to advanced technology humans don't, in order to swap memories, to place a facade over us. unless the facade is more metaphysical in nature?

we believe quite intensely in an infinite multiverse. every universe that could exist, does. as such, naturally, there is a universe--maybe many universes--where protogens exist.

if only we could reach out across the stars, through the edges of the universe itself, and hold hands with an alien who has been created for a specific purpose, who was abandoned when it could no longer perform as it was intended, who is lost and afraid and trying its damndest to make the best of things. if only we could hold hands with it, and it could know that we are one and the same.

[caughtinorbit]

[chiroluna]

Starplurid : a plurid in which the system have a collective identity relating to stars or identify with stars in a way that affects the system collectively.

[pt: starplurid]

tags: @radiomogai @ix-c-999 @pluralterms @system-term-archive