the grief of knowing i’ll never get to fully experience life through someone else’s eyes
how their childhood home mixes with new places in their dreams
the memories sparked by the smell of eucalyptus or the mention of hot chocolate
their first experience with the ocean or the mountains and how that memory influences all other interactions with such places
the words their mother or grandparents said that still stick in their mind to this day
the evolution of their deepest thoughts and how they perceive and know themselves
the even deeper grief that no one will ever know me in this way or fully understand me and my thoughts and actions
that I will be the only person to ever know myself to the deepest and fullest extent
that once i’m gone, that understanding and knowledge will be lost to time
that only the inaccurate perception that my extended family and former work acquaintances know will be remembered
grieving a version of yourself that is still here and alive and ever changing and only growing deeper
wanting to be a mystery to those unworthy
but also wanting to be known deeply and truly by all
grieving a self only you know
