Tales and Traverses of An Ingenious Paradox

Tips, tricks and musings of an American Nerd in England (and also elsewhere sometimes).

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

"You know, this cafe is really quaint, reminds me of this little place in the heart of Monmartre...no more like this bar in Lesser Town in Prague."

Otherwise known as the benefits and disadvantages of study abroad.

EPISODE 1:

I've become one of those people.

I lived in England for half a year.  I scampered about Europe for a month straight, pwned some exams then gave another quick run around Europe and now I get to say "that one time when I stumbled upon the Sacre Coeur at midnight in Monmartre and turned around to see the entirety of Paris light by the stars and the street lights." And "this spaghetti carbonara reminds me of this one time in Italy when I drank wine in a small Italian restaurant with my friend and a stranger til 1am."  

To me, these people, were an elite class of pretentious assholes.  And I wanted to be one of them so bad.  And here I am.  I'm a pretentious asshole! WOO!

Wait...

Ok, hopefully not exactly that but instead of pretending I'm some kind of better person because I've travelled a bit, I just wanna recognize how fuckin lucky I am and who I am has definitely been influenced by all this crazy lucky shit.

I travelled alone, I travelled with people, I met crazy people, crazy-awesome people and straight-up assholes.  I saw amazing things that there are just no words I can find to describe.  I saw bizarre things I can't find words to describe.  And I hope I never forget it.  

MORAL LESSON OF THE BLOG:

Don't take shit for granted and appreciate the good shit you have. Don't be a dick. That's very loose butthole.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

American-ness.

It's weird how much your identity becomes wrapped up in foreignness.  

I'm gonna run through the REACTIONS I'VE GOTTEN TO MY AMERICAN-NESS.

1. 

BRIT: "Alright."

ME: "Hi."

BRIT: LOLOLOL

2.

BRIT: Hiya.

Me: Hello.

BRIT: N-n-no-no. No.

3.

BRIT: 'Ow do?

Me: Hi!

BRIT: That'll be 5 quid.

4: 

BRIT: Yawright?

Me: Hello there.

BRIT: I like America.

Most of the time, it's three.

There's a lot of shit we have to deal with as Americans because...

Well, because people hate us. 

Death penalty, drug war, life begins 2 weeks before conception, ridiculous spending practices, and this guy

Most people experience Americans as loud, drunk, ignorant and arrogant assholes. Like this guy:

  I've simultaneously become more and less patriotic since coming to England. Around the French, Finnish, Hungarians, Canadians, Brits and so on, I felt like I needed to shake 'em and say--NO! WE'RE NOT ALL LIKE THAT! I became a spokesperson for America.  

"Well...we don't have lemon bakewells in America but we have fribbles."

A good 90% of my conversations were comparing cultures with other people.  It was fascinating and weird and amazing.  

FOR INSTANCE:

Me: "Yeah you put the parentheses around there."

Brit: "The what?"

Me: "The...uh...parentheses?" *hand gesture*

Brit: "Oh! The bracket.  I haven't called them that since primary school."

ALSO

Did you know Santa actually lives in Finland, yeah, on EAR MOUNTAIN. and he doesn't bring presents--leave the baby to do that job--

"wake up Baby Jesus, you need to go give future kids presents and shit."

No Finnish santa doles out punishments.  

"Better hope you fuckin kids were good this year. Santa Claus is comin to town. MUAHAHA!"

YOU'VE MADE IT TO THE END OF THIS POST?? Wow. A PRIZE IS IN ORDER THEN: Have funny gif and life-advice.

AMERICANS, Don't be this guy:

Come to terms with the fact that you are a tourist. Embrace it. Live it. LOVE IT. Be nice, don't be ignorant, and listen. You'll undoubtedly hear some crazy-ass stories.

[DISCLAIMER: Different rules apply when travelling short term. Sometimes you gotta lie your ass off and/or be a dick in order to not get ripped off. ...But ya know...generally...don't be a dick.]

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

CULTURE: THE DOUCHES and ACES OF NEWCASTLE

SO WE GONNA BE BREAKIN SOME SIRIUS SHIT DOWN TODAY:

We are talking THE CULTURE OF NEWCASTLE AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF A NERDY AMERICAN

In the clubs you come to expect and tolerate quite a lot:

So in Britain, you've got your CHAVS:

As the chavs grow up and become more interested in LOTS OF SEX, they evolve into a whole new kind of creature, more of a "Lad". That is a technical term.

They have a very distinctive look, these douches.  See figure 2 below

Figure 2:

Observe the obviously fake tan, platinum blonde/otherwise dyed hair, tight/tiny/nonexistent clothing.  

When they give your their card

when they wink at you

when they, unblinking, beckon you with their crooked finger 

They are handsy and pushy, a lot of butt touching. 

But contrary to the picture MTV UK gives of Newcastle (i.e. Geordie Shore, Figure 3) there are a lot of awesome things about Geordie culture.

Figure 3:

Sure people in the UK, hell, in Europe on the whole are generally drinking or drunk, but the Geordies are rarely mean or violent.  All the girls dress like it's 150 degrees outside at all times but guys are actually pretty respectful.  I never saw catcalling in Newcastle. There's a lot of masculinity-proving going on everywhere, but drunk guys are always kissing each other and grabbing each other's balls.  I swear. All the time. People are really secure in their sexuality there and that's really cool.

Newcastle is full of people calling you "love" and "pet" and holding the door and saying please, and thank you and excuse me.  And they're happy to help and just give you a smile. And they're fucking funny.  

(homework: Look up Ross Noble)

I fell in love with Newcastle and I'll never forget it.

MORAL LESSON OF THE BLOG:

Sure, there are douchebags everywhere.  Sometimes they're called douches, sometimes they're called chavs. Sometimes they're called arseholes. But even amongst the lads, there's an endearing sense of camaraderie.  There are aces everywhere. It's easy to forget that. Especially when your covered in the unidentifiable liquid some drunk Geordie who just spilled the contents of his cup on you. 

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

An American in England

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

Did this with a few other marvelous girls for Uni.

Some things I wish I knew.

Enjoy :)

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

WOW MUSICAL COOKIE MONKEYS

WTF British Commercials

NUMBER 2

This one brings us singing, tap-dancing monkeys who are also cookies.  Dammit, jammie dodgers, you've got a brilliant marketing team.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

WTF British Commercials of amazingness :)

NUMBER 3

This one is cats...

with thumbs.

Tim Curry Narrates

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

Excellent WTF British Commercials:

NUMBER 4:

This is a realistic reimagining of the three little pigs' fairy tale in modern times.  Featuring: riot police. Very cool newspaper advert.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

My favorite WTF BRITISH COMMERCIALS: 

NUMBER 5

This one involves a man-woman acting like an heiress with a naked-ass shot.  What it has to do with pot noodle, I...don't..know.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

Fun Things To Do in Britain:

1. Go to a grocery store and pretend to be British.

Grocer: Hullo.

Me: 

Grocer: That's 5.49.

Me: Sorry, I've only got a 20.

Grocer:

Me:

Grocer: Need a bag?

Me: Nope, I've already got one.

And then I Walk away

...With my swag on.

2. Call a Scot British.

On second thought. Don't do this. Don't. 

Don't.

Don't.

3. Ask a Brit to imitate an American accent, 

then laugh and laugh

I'm gonna miss that.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

Are you going to "The Beatles: The Lost Concert" movie premier in a few weeks?

Hm. No. Have not yet heard of this.  Details?

Also, do I know you? Are you a human being? Or a robot.

I'm gonna go with robot. As I understand it, I'm the only human being on the internet.

Right?

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

DAMMIT, HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!

Today, I was told an amazing fact. DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT AN ADVERTISEMENT.

I am poor.  That's not the fact, that's just A fact.  But because I'm poor, I've gotta be careful with spending and guess freakin' what?!

Apparently across Britain, you can get a FREE McFlurry or a FREE cheeseburger with your student card at McDonalds. 

INFINITE FOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDD!!!

My ethics are tellin' me no.

but my body...

MY BODY IS TELLING ME YEA-A-AH!

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

MORE FOOD OBSERVATIONS FROM AN AMERICAN IN BRITAIN

Everybody knows the brits love their fried fish 'n' chips,

but you might not know about their obsession with

1) "BANOFFEE"

Banana. And. Toffee.

It comes in the form of: Coffee, pie, cake, bread, milkshake/milk

At first I was all:

Then I was all:

Except not this:

2. Also MILKSHAKES ARE NOT MILKSHAKES:

DO NOT BE FOOLED. IT IS FLAVOURED MILK.  None of the thick beautiful sugary awesomeness of icecream, creamy milkshakes that normally make up that all-too-delicious drink.  Milkshakes are literally milk that you shake. I think the Brits are just being too literal about this one.   Or maybe the Americans are just being too fat about this one. 

No. It's the brits that are wrong.  MORE ICE-CREAM IN MY MILK PLEASE. ACTUALLY, LET'S JUST LEAVE THE MILK.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

THIS is what Copenhagen sounds like: 

around every corner, on every instrument someone or someones were playing this...

you don't need to understand what he's saying to feel what he's feeling.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

THIS is what Pompeii was like: 

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

Fancy Danish dining.

You can tell it's fancy because of the bowtie. And the mustache.

[aningeniousparadox-blog]

Danish Humour.