Annamannix

I am Anna. Wife to Mister M, mama to Ronan & Winnie. I write here because I never want to forget what this feels like.

[salmakia]

the asriel/marisa edition

[birthpoetry]

I have mourned lost days When I accomplished nothing of importance. But not lately. Lately under the lunar tide Of a woman’s ocean, I work My own sea-change: Turning grains of sand to human eyes. I daydream after breakfast While the spirit of egg and toast Knits together a length of bone As fine as a wheatstalk. Later, as I postpone weeding the garden I will make two hands That may tend a hundred gardens. I need ten full moons exactly For keeping the animal promise. I offer myself up: unsaintly, but Transmuted anyway By the most ordinary miracle. I am nothing in this world beyond the things one woman does. But here are eyes that once were pearls. And here is a second chance where there was none.

Ordinary Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver (via birthpoetry)

[annamannix]

Flooding your feed #Prettybaby #everettasriel #sorrynotsorry

[annamannix]

Newbie snuggles//porch hangs//it's bright out!

[annamannix]

!!

I have been dutifully ignoring early labour symptoms all day.

I’ve had a bath, I am going to do yoga and go to bed now but if y’all could hope along with me that I wake up at some point in the night with real actual labour happening I would very much appreciate the good vibes.

Tomorrow is my due date and the thirteenth anniversary of our first date. It feels like a good day to be born.

[annamannix]

A memory

I was doing a guided meditation just now, focusing on labour, trying to communicate with my baby & being a general hippie,

And an image popped into my head - a moment while I was in labour with Bronwen, pushing or just about to. I could barely move or open my eyes for al the intensity but when I did, my husband’s face was there very close to mine while he held my hands over the edge of the pool, as tender and loving and raw as I have ever seen him.

And his gaze and his support grounded me and made me strong, and I closed my eyes and birthed my baby and everything was amazing, the end.

[annamannix]

Git out!

I feel like garbage. I have a headache & I want to sleep a zillion years. Bronwen is currently dumping all the pieces of all our puzzles on the ground and I can't be bothered to intervene. R has watched way too much TV today. We will have healthy food for dinner only because hubby is currently picking up our veggie box, otherwise I would be throwing a fruit plate and a bag of popcorn on the table and telling the kids to have at it for dinner. Please baby, vacate my body soon. I am as ready as I can be.

[annamannix]

Posting this before I lose my nerve 🙈 #39weekspregnant #impatientlywaiting

[annamannix]

It's that time again

Hit me with labour playlist songs! If you don't I will probably just listen to 'the dress looks nice on you' by sufjan Stevens on repeat. Which would be okay too.

[annamannix]

New Ritual

Knitting in the bath with iced raspberry leaf tea, listening to the birth hour podcast. Getting my labour face on.

[annamannix]

My bedtime is getting steadily later.

Why i’m awake at 1am tonight:

Due in two weeks. Still trying to jimmy, shuffle and fandangle my way to a 3-across scenario that works for our car.

R’s seat is just plain too wide... the other seats would play nice if we had something narrower for him in the middle. So I’m looking at replacement options - I think a harmony defender would work well but it’s only available in Canada in pink right now. I’ll have to ask R in the morning whether he digs that or not.

[quotes-shape-us]

It’s dark because you are trying too hard. Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. So throw away your baggage and go forward. There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. That’s why you must walk so lightly. Lightly my darling…

Aldous Huxley, Island (via dragonflycup)

[licensetomurse-deactivated20200]

The optimism of ICU and ED nurses

[annamannix]

A friend who is due three weeks ahead of me (she’s due tomorrow) is currently in early/prodromal labour. Her first labour was smooth and quick.

And I am having a holy shit moment because my midwife also made a comment last week about third babies having a mind of their own...

And I have done the prodromal labour thing and it’s not fun. And I think I am just now realizing that I have to go through labour again at all, or realizing that it might not be an exact replica of last time which was fucking idyllic and perfect. Things can happen. I have been lucky twice with no complications and I was feeling cocky but now I am just flipping nervous! there are no guarantees and somehow knowing that my body has rocked this twice feels like an omen - does anyone get that lucky three times?

Also as of saturday I qualify for home birth but I had better get tickin’ on my supply list if that’s what I want. Zero prep done.

[annamannix]

selective nesting

I had a nap today so I stayed up late to cross a thing off my list - I just pulled everything out of most of my cupboards, cleaned inside, and rearranged.

So satisfying - but now I have a pile of crap on top of the counters that I need to deal with (recycle, mainly) and... I don’t feel like it.

[annamannix]

36w

- I purged our clothing and the kids’ and holy cow we have nothing left! Time to shop. But no money to shop. Gotta try and buy smart and buy good quality, especially for myself postpartum - Kyle can seemingly make anything last for ages without falling apart and the kids are always growing anyway. But for me, I’m going to try my best to plan and create a capsule wardrobe and look fabulous all the time. Obviously.

**** I tried to put this under a read more and I am too old to be on tumblr so I don’t know how anymore so if you aren’t into useless information about my life scroll on! ******

- Actually R is going to need a crapload of stuff too come fall. He’ll survive summer but boys’ stuff is tough to find used, so we’ll have to spend a bit on him too. Kid has gotten taaaall. Girls are easy to find great consignment stuff - people buy such ridiculously large wardrobes for little girls that nothing gets any wear and is still in awesome shape by the time it’s outgrown, so I’m hopeful for some good deals for Win.

- I have 4 weeks left and have to resist the urge to just go buy clothing now. Wait, Anna. Wait until your body is back to normal-ish before trying to guess what is going to fit.

- We have decided to bunk Winnie with the newbie rather than moving her in with Ro. did I already write this? sorry if I did. I basically just use tumblr now to keep up with a small group of folks and dump all my thoughts somewhere before bed. I think he needs space away from babies where he can keep small toys that he doesn’t want eaten or wrecked, She sleeps so well in her crib that I hesitate to bring her out into a floor bed, and he has been having some fairly jarring nightmares/night terrors that sometimes wake her up in the next room, and would definitely 100% of always wake her up in the same room. So as much as I dreamed of walking in in the mornings to find them snuggling each other... they are better off apart for now.

- so I guess we should set up a second crib in her room soon.

- in four-ish weeks I will have three kids. Three!

- and then I will never be pregnant again ever and right at this moment that sounds fucking divine.

- but I will definitely miss it one day

- tonight like most nights I am supposed to be doing yoga and doing nothing instead. the exhaustion runs deep. I know it would make me feel better and yet I sit here procrastinating until it’s too late and then I have to choose between yoga and sleep and sleep almost usually wins. 

- why does anyone even read this garbage, honestly.

[annamannix]

Pre-bedtime positivity

+ I tend to only come to tumblr to complain, and I swear I do more than complain, so here:

+ My kids are so in love with each other. Bronwen will walk literally anywhere, in a straight line, if she gets to hold her big Brother’s hand. Meanwhile he states that he would like to marry her and is overall, with few exceptions, considerate and kind and just really darn sweet. Every time I am worried about having another I just remember how good it has been for these two to have each other and I know it will aaaallll be okay.

+ I am pretty sure that we will be financially okay for my mat leave. Some payments are wrapping up soon and between that and the new child benefit I think everything will wash out and this year will be no more financially stressful than our current situation - in fact it might be less so.

+ family photos are booked!

+ and the newbie, as long as he/she/it arrives on a similar timeline to the first two, gets to be part of a newborn model call with a local photographer, so we should get a couple of sweet professional newborn images as well... for free!

+ Tomorrow my mom is going to take the kids out for the day and I am going to fulfil some nesting urges/go through baby things and figure out where we need to fill in/purge the kids’ closets of things that are too damaged or small to wear that they insist on wearing anyway. I might even take some photos and list some things for sale! imagine that!

+ the whole family’s wardrobe is pretty small and ratty at this point but with my bod about to go through a whole bunch of changes I just can’t justify shopping for quite a while, and the kids would just rather be naked anyhow.

+ we had planned to move Winnie in with Ro or at least set up a bed for her in his room, but are having second thoughts - if girlfriend sleeps well in a crib I shouldn’t mess with that, right? She also goes to bed very early and sleeps pretty lightly, so I’m not certain that a move of rooms would be good for her at all. Luckily, a friend offered to loan us their unused crib and mattress, so if we have no consensus by the time bb is too big for a bassinet then we can experiment with the two littles in her room, or baby sidecarring to our bed, or... something. I kind of want to throw all three in one bedroom and turn the third into playspace but I don’t know how wise that is, and R is beginning to want to go play on his own without the interference of little people sometimes, so he might not appreciate the lack of privacy. We will just play by ear and try things out all ways I think!