off at our middler class retreat. we were asked tonight two questions: "what is your spiritual practice?" and "what is your spiritual desire for this year?"
I wasn't sure what I was going to answer, and where I was seated, I was the fourth to share. but as my turn came around, as I heard my classmates and dear friends and their responses, these were my answers:
that recently, I've been showing up imperfectly. that I'm a not-so-recovering perfectionist, but I have been learning that showing up not perfect (which is impossible anyway) means trusting that God will still show up. that God's grace meets me exactly there, and makes it enough. that it bridges the gap between me and other people.
and that my deepest spiritual desire this year is to be less afraid of my own religious authority and identity.
I've been thinking so much about how much fear I carry around, and did not or do not name it. but below the anxiety, or when some longed-for peace is disturbed, it's because I am deeply afraid. afraid of being loved, being supported, of loving myself, of letting myself be loved. and of accepting other's love and support. of feeling like, though I can never earn it, that I am deserving of being okay. that good things are allowed to happen to me, and that I am allowed to be happy.
anyway. lots to pray about tonight.
