It’s been almost 3 years since I last snapped a razor and took it to my leg. Feelings and emotions change but scars remain long after. I no longer see them as a reminder of a mental state I’m in, I see them as a reminder of what I suffered through and survived. There was a time when the second I got home no matter how long I would be there for I would take out my little tin that held all my broken razors and I would “remind myself of the piece of shit I was”. But that has changed. My emotions can still go ape shit and I can still lose the plot but somehow I have found myself a man that will take it, I will storm out at 4am to a friends and the next day he will let me cuddle up and cry into his neck. My entire life has changed because of this man, I could not love him any more than I do but yet somehow I still try to push him away. I no longer want to hurt myself yet it seems I still hate myself. But having someone else to love has changed my mental state. I love him more than I could ever explain and I’m so scared of losing him, but are the scars still a reminder of something deeper? Something that still remains and I’m taking out on my man? He has saved me in a way I could never explain to him and I'm so scared I will lose him for that. It would be so... SO GOD DAMN EASY for him to find someone better than me, even I know literally anyone else is better than me. I don't know why he outs up with it. Don’t let me lose him for MY lack of trust in all humanity. He is my world. I want nothing and no one else. I don’t even know if I’m recovering or relapsing anymore.
