In the seconds after it happened,
He’ll kiss your forehead.
And you’ll lock yourself in your bathroom trying to put on every layer of clothing you can find.
You’ll emerge to find him sitting on your couch scrolling on his phone like nothing even happened.
It takes all the courage in you to ask him to leave
And you’re praying to God you’ll never have to see his face again.
In the minutes after it happened,
You’ll call your best friend and walk to her apartment
Rehearsing how you’re going to tell her that everything is broken and your entire world just turned upside down.
She’ll hug you tightly and get you water.
She’ll listen and order you the best Thai food you’ve ever had and you’ll eat every bite while trying to forget all the now disgusting parts of you.
In the hours after it happened,
You’ll be standing in the shower trying to scrub every bit of you clean of his touch and scent.
You’ll scream at yourself, “How could you let this happen?” and “It’s your fault for trusting him.”
You’ll look up definitions for what happened
Trying to make sense of what he did to you.
Trying to ascertain what is not understandable-how someone could do something without consent.
In the days after it happened,
You’ll wonder if the one who invaded your boundaries thinks about you or what he did.
You’ll think you’re overreacting.
You’ll say it wasn’t even that bad
That you lead him on and what else was he supposed to do?
You’ll be scared to be touched by anyone-even the kids at work.
All you want to do is lie in bed and cry.
You’ve never felt more alone.
In the weeks after it happened,
You won’t wake up thinking about it
But it will still be a part of you.
You’re nervous to be alone with a man-
Even the brilliant men you work with
Even one of your closest friends who has loved you through every hardship.
You’re more aware how you talk to your students
Especially while you’re changing their diapers
Praying that no one will hurt them the way someone did to you.
You’re scared to go certain places afraid of the unlikely chance you’ll run into them
And have to relive it all over again.
You realize healing isn’t linear
And there are good days and bad days.
But nothing will change if you don’t say something.
janainaart
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