How I am Doing Now

Among other things.

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An awful potential truth or lie: I really, desperately hate being in love or catching any feelings at all. I’m afraid I don’t trust myself or others.

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I’m tired of wanting, wishing and hoping - I need to fulfill some happiness in my life and take action

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Overwhelming Moment of Realization

Tonight I had a breakthrough, an overwhelming moment of realization. Actually, more like an overwhelming moment of peace.

I have a horrible and toxic habit of not saying what I really mean when I'm upset. I twist the words in a way that, in my head, seems like I'm communicating my hurt. I have no idea if I developed this from my parents, other familial relations or my friends.

But tonight, for the first time in awhile, when presented with a difficult situation where I wanted to act in such a way, by lashing out and hurting him because I was hurt - I controlled myself and said what I actually wanted to say.

Context: There's a guy I'm seeing that I really like right now, and I thought he had wanted to see me tonight. He told me last night we were going to see each other over the weekend and was excited about it, but he had not text me as planned and made other plans.

I was hurt by the notion he had not wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see him. This felt like a direct attack on my person, though most likely in reality, he had not even thought of me and something else came up. Maybe he doesn't care about me? Possibly. But that's not the point.

I had wanted to respond in a way that made it known I was hurt, I wanted to question him and hurt him and make him realize he had been wrong. A response I've most likely given to other men in the past. It was something so stupidly passive aggressive it's not even worth typing out word-for-word.

But instead, I had let him know I wished we were seeing each other tonight and that I missed him. I sent the text. The text was not alarming, not passive aggressive and not hurtful. It was what I actually wanted to say, what I would have meant by that passive aggressive comment I had originally wanted to say. By saying something like, "were you even planning on seeing me?" (not the direct quote), I really wanted to ask "why don't you want to see me?".

Because sometimes, we say things in a certain way in order to defend ourselves, even if it seems like an offensive attack. It's something I've realized for years, and have been attempting to work on time and time again. But when I'm in the situation, sometimes it can be so hard. It's so hard to completely turn around my natural way of thinking.

But everyone... I did it. I broke the cycle. And when I realize what happened in the morning, I will feel no regrets over saying something unnecessarily hurtful.

I communicated how I felt, and it felt good.

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Only for today, I think I’m going to be okay :)

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Grief

Grief presents itself as many perspectives. Grief over things you lose by choice, grief over things lost that are out of your control, and grief over the more vague aspects of life. Grief is not seen in one specific way or another. Grief is not expressed in one way or another either. Grief is a curse, a presense, a revelation and a push. Grief can drive you mad or make you lose yourself completely. Grief is not controllable, but your reaction to grief is.

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I’m really not okay. And I’m tired of pretending to be for the sake of others and the life I built for myself.

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It’s all coming back. I can’t deal with this. I can’t go on. I can’t keep doing this to myself. Get out of my head.

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Everything is about loss and being without.

I embark to forget the loss and being without.

I want to lose the loss and being without.

I’m tired of trying to erase the loss and being without.

I run from the loss and being without.

I embrace the loss and being without.

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When I get drunk, I think of only you.

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I remember him and I don’t want to sleep.

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Today’s one of those days where I’m convinced I’m going to die alone. Online dating makes it worse.

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I’m tired of all the lies.

I’m tired of being gaslighted.

I’m tired of everyone who hurts me that tries to convince me my feelings are my fault when they try to take it back.

I’m tired of being nice and being around people who only want to play nice for civility.

I’m tired of being looked over and ignored.

I’m tired of being second best.

I’m tired of being so sad.

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I’m so tired of the lies. The constant lying. He says he’s telling the truth, but he’s a terrible liar.

I’m so f*cking sick of it.

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I’m tired of being lied to because it’s easier than telling the truth.

I’d rather fight, get it out in the open, and then decide a solution or leave it be.

But that way at least I’d know the truth.

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I always feel on the outside of everything.

No matter what I do, my confidence level is, or who they are, at the end of the day, I feel alone.

Honestly, I wish I was better at connecting with others. I wonder if I would be happier, or is it truly all within.

I wish I was better at talking, and taking chances.

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I wish I had it all together by now

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I’m so tired of making the wrong choices for myself.