I have a question for other RAMCOA systems, though this may be a longer post
I have not been around much since we were young
I existed to fulfill a role we never chose. I formed because we were conditioned to believe we wanted the experiences we had to deal with every day. We had to want them. How else would we have survived?
I remember some things from our childhood. Some things from high school. Even a few recent events
But I haven’t been truly active since elementary school. I think I have more memories of that time than any of our active alters
I am what others said we were. I am the child we were expected to be. Or, at least, I did my best to be that child. I don’t particularly wish to be that child anymore. I guess I failed, in a sense. I don’t know how to feel about it
I am no longer around the people who conditioned me. I am not in grade school anymore, nor am I in contact with the person who pushed these ideas. Yet I still feel guilty. I still feel as though I’ve failed them
I want to separate myself from who I was conditioned to be. I want to be a person, separate from those experiences. But it doesn’t feel possible
We were not exactly expected to be this person at all times. But if we weren’t this person when we were expected to, there were consequences
Honestly, I don’t remember a time I even tried to push back. It became automatic and hard to control. At one point I genuinely believed I wanted it even though I know I didn’t
I believe the community term is “programming.” I use “conditioning” as that is my understanding of it, and I lack knowledge of the community’s terminology
Is that the term? Do I qualify as a ‘programmed’ alter even though there wasn’t exactly an intention to separate my identity? I know we have programmed alters but I do not know if I am one
I am unfamiliar with these terms but I wish to understand myself better. Unfortunately, our host and I have very little communication ability, and he’s the only one who is really familiar with them
I am honestly quite confused. I want to build an identity separate from what they made me. But I don’t really know how. Labels might help me understand, at this point I don’t know what else to try
At least I have a name. It’s something I suppose