words, like dakimakura, were made to lie with @antihumanism - Tumblr Blog

i respect ppl who think frodo & sam were sucking & fucking constantly when the narrator wasn't looking. but personally i think the furthest they went was an awkward attempt at mutual handjobs one night in mordor which started as sam trying to do something anything that'd make frodo feel good & frodo insisted on doing it for sam too & sam closed his eyes & tried to imagine it was rosie cotton while frodo tried to remember the shire or focus on the texture of sam's rough hand or the unyielding heat in his own grip or think about anything other than the great burning wheel & neither of them succeeded. & frodo never got fully hard & eventually pushed sam's hand away but kept going & sam felt like he had failed & part of him wanted to push frodo's hand away too but instead he came harder than he had ever in his life & they never talked about it again

#yeah

guy who wakes up in a saw trap and the gay little puppet tells him (guy in the saw trap) that there is a big bomb strapped to his (gits (gits = guy in the saw trap) penis, and if he (gits) presses the big button the big bomb will blow up his (gits) penis and also this will trigger the reverse bear trap he (glp (glp = gay little puppet) placed on his (gits) head and also the big bomb isn't armed right now and won't be until this explanation is over so he (gits) can stop pushing it for just a moment and fucking listen, he (glp) has already had like eight people fail this one by pressing the button too fast, and also, if he (gits) can resist the urge to push the big button that detonates the big bomb that will blow up his penis for one hour, the reverse bear trap will release and he (gits) will be free to go, but the big bomb that will blow up his penis will be disarmed and he (gist) will have missed his opportunity to have that happen, and then he (glp) says let the games begin, but a few minutes later he (glp) comes back on, all exasperated, and says the big bomb can't be armed if he (gits) is holding down the big button, you need to take your hand off the button for a minute ... OK, thank ... no, hand back off the button ... a full minute, wait until--wait until I say let the games begin, okay ... okay, let the games beg-- but he (glp) is immediately cut off by the sound of a big bomb blowing up his (gits) penis and then his (gits) laugh of glee cut off by the reverse bear trap ripping his face apart and killing him

#in the drafts since fall

petruchio

im literally always saying this

#we all have to do this

the Phase Connect girls living lives perpetually frought with disaster is a useful reminder of all the things that can go wrong and helps me evade misfortune in some cases, but they never warned me about bats invading my home and biting me, i feel that this is an area Pippa should have been responsible for, because being attacked by a bat and getting rabies shots feels like a Pippa moment more than anything

it is good to see that the fundamentals never change: Miyabi has always had dog shit path finding and she always will, i do miss the "i can't see you" spam though

blizz4rd1203

A Bitch Will Do Ten Over the Limit to Pass You as Though You Weren't Both About to Sit at the Same Stop Light Regardless of Any Input

blizz4rd1203

We're at This Four-Way Together, You Cannot Escape Me.

antihumanism

if you'd been doing at least nine but no more than sixteen over the limit for the past few miles, we'd have both caught the yellow and made it through

kind of annoying that this is all the power of friendship gets you, like, c'mon, man, can't i at least get fifty cents and a swift kick in the dick here? some sort of acknowledgment? i bought out your whole friendship store! does that not deserve some form of acknowledgement?

#arknights

3000s

a lot of other children in the early 2000s probably also went through a phase where they were obsessed with pranks because childrens media at the time was pushing pranks

3000s

they wanted children obsessed with pranks for whatever reason

antihumanism

and the shows were often unclear on what a prank was, or at least not clear enough for a child's comprehension, and so you got "pranks" that were just meaninglessly destructive or annoying behavior like throwing open cans of food down the stairs, "the stairs just got baked beaned" ok why what does that mean?

cottoncandylesbo

the thermostat app i was forced to download due to my apartment complex installing "smart" thermostats just asked me to rate it based on how likely i was to recommend it to a friend. so i called my friend and told her she should download the app. she asked me why. i said it can make things hotter or colder, depending. she said that was stupid. i told her sorry and that she was right.

she did download the app, though she could not use it because she does not have the kind of thermostat it requires. she rated it two stars. i asked why two and she said she liked the colors.

#when the health app i have to use for my work's health insurance asks me to recommend it to people #you're in a hostage situation and the kidnapper says 'how likely are you to recommend being kidnapped by me to a friend? :)'

thegoodmorningman

Good Morning!!! Don't be a liar!!!

thegoodmorningman

Good Morning. Do you drink the blue water?

yorickless

the only thing worse than receiving an email is sending one

antihumanism

writing a reply e-mail and receiving an immediate reply that you have to read and reply to in turn, especially when you waited until like 8 pm to send the first reply in the hope that you wouldn't get a reply that night

yorickless

my yummy tofu sauce:

2 tbsp trader joes soyaki or normal soy sauce

2 tbsp rice vinegar or some other vinegar

some maple syrup

some asian fish sauce (I use this Vietnamese one they sell at target)

some trader joe's red chili sauce (not very important)

some garlic powder

some onion powder

some powdered ginger

about 1 tsp lao gan ma (or more?...)

about a third of the TJ's gochujang container so like 2.3oz apparently. you can make it without gochujang but it's worse and you might want to thicken it with some flour

1 tbsp some neutral oil, I like grapeseed cause it comes in a cute bottle

mix it all together with a little fork. it's best on a proper stir fry with like tofu, onion, bell pepper, broccoli and noodles, but it's fine like I'm making it tonight, which is just tossing it with 1 lb TJ's super firm tofu (70g of protein! soft tofu is for weak beta cucks) and kinda simmering it on mediumish heat for maybe 10-15 minutes while your rice cooks and the sauce thickens as much as you want it

probably you could drop everything but the soy sauce, vinegar, gochujang and oil and you'd have most of the flavor, but I think each additional bit helps

yorickless

specifically I cube up the tofu and cook it a couple minutes first in some more oil, ideally getting it slightly browned

then dump the sauce on

and mix it in and cook, stirring every couple minutes (the sauce likes to stick to the bottom of the pan and you want to scrape those bits off cause they're yummy) for 10-15 until it looks kinda like this:

maybe a bit longer. can do onions and bell pepper in here no problem just toss them in with the tofu. if adding more stuff like broccoli I'd do it in the wok and faster + higher heat. but I'm not eating a vegetable tonight...

#haven't thought about maple syrup in years might need to change that and start using it as a sauce ingredient #definitely needs some steamed broccoli tho but that's true of most meals

mutationgirl

just somewhat hallucinated that eggs were commonly spelled "egges" in the UK for no discernible reason. the thought appeared unbidden and unrelated to anything occurring. and yet, i felt the need to examine it further, and suddenly it became clear to me that this was untrue. moral: none

#the recurring thought that it is strange how no one comments on how it is impossible to move through time and space simultaneously #and then i realize no one comments on that because it isnt true