Do you ever sit there and fully believe that you are not allowed to be happy?
I fucking do. I’ve spent my whole day crippled with depression, I’ve not even been able to make myself a drink or even a snack. I’ve napped just to get rid of time and to stop the really dark thoughts.
I’ve never realised how traumatic my life has been until recently. I’ve blocked out memories, feelings and just accepted that shit has happened, oh well there are people worse off. But having this way of thinking has just encouraged more trauma because I couldn’t care less about myself. It’s hard living in a world full of hate for each and everyone of us. How are we expected to move forward and love who we are?
Self care for instance, it’s a very new topic for me and I’ve only learnt the true meaning through therapy. But I’m stuck in a house full of hatred and negativity. Some days I can do a little self care and it’ll lift my mood but some days not even self care can pull me away from this internal battle. I may be healthy and alive and people would say that that it’s something to appreciate but I simply can’t.
Surrounding yourself with positivity doesn’t always work. I’m riddled with intrusive thoughts, panic attacks and fear of the world. I don’t trust anyone not even myself.
How do you unbreak yourself if you don’t have the facilities? I don’t have the money or support to live alone. I work full time so I can’t get government help. If I do overtime for extra money then majority of the time I am exhausted. So I’m stuck in a house that is just making me worse and not having the security because the house will be sold at any point and I’ll be homeless.
Bottom line is I could rant all day. But surely this isn’t living? My generation is brought up to survive and quite frankly I can’t continue surviving and I could easily find thousands of people in the same boat. Easy enough saying “that’s life” but I don’t want to live if this is life. Where is the time for happiness and love? When you retire? When you’re on a pension that will barely pay for you to live unless you have a good job that’s rare to come by?
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