I...

A long list of things I wish I could say to the person I’m in a relationship with

[anudelever]

I can’t believe how much sexual frustration can really get to me.

When I fantasize about sex all I want is to leave you but when I’m not fantasizing I feel like there is no one else in the world I’d rather be with.

I don’t get it.

[anudelever]

Sometimes, I wonder if you think about these things?

I can’t even ask you without you feeling like the world is going to end...

Sigh...

I feel like the list of things that are wrong in this relationship seem to be longer than the list of things that are right.

[anudelever]

Today, I woke up feeling: thank god I didn’t break up with you. This constant back and forth is tiring.

A few months ago, I would have happily married you with no regrets but now my resolve is weak...

I don’t get it.

I keep saying sex isn’t an important factor but it would be nice to have.

To some that’s such a small thing and yet that small thing can make or break this relationship, for me, at least.

[anudelever]

You’re so dependent on me... I hate it... at first I loved that I meant so much to you and now it feels like a burden.

I wonder will these feelings of resentment subside since expressing honest and dark feelings isn’t something I have the luxery of expressing.

Well, it is why I started this blog.

I wonder will I go back to fooling myself into happiness, ignoring these feelings. I hate that I’m the bad guy in this and here you are, still clinging on to me, begging me to stay when I try to break up with you and my heart feels like it’s being slowly being ripped apart, every time.

How is it that you stayed in love and I’m the one who fell out of it? Am I the one with the problem? Incapable of loving anyone? Always running away to the next best thing thing?

If only it was you who felt this way. I would have gladly let you go; in relief. I want to be good to you but it is so hard to do so, feeling the way I feel.

[anudelever]

I should’ve gotten over you first before jumping into a relationship but I was so sure that I had... now I’m neither here or there. Fuck... how much longer can I drag this out until I’ve completely lost myself.

[anudelever]

It hurts thinking about you, I should be over you, we were never together; so why? Why is it so hard to just be friends with you? Why can’t I just see you as my friend? I want to let you go but knowing that you’ll never be with me, hurts. I wish you wanted me the way I want you. I want to give you everything but I know I can’t. It was just supposed to be a crush that fades. You’re very presence turns me on. Is it only me that feels the sexual tension? Why won’t it go away? Why does my mind wander to you when I should be thinking about the person I’m with. Is it greed? Is it ego? Is it because I saw you as someone I can’t have so makes me want you more? What is it about you? Is it my delusions? A fantasy I want to enact? Why can’t I let you go when I’ve never had you?

I was happy when I heard you were having relationship problems. Secretly, I wish to convince you to break up. I thought I’d be happy for you. Finally you’re with someone and now I can stop thinking about you because now there’s no chance, so I have no choice but to move on. But it didn’t go the way I hoped, we are both committed, but years passed and I’m still thinking of you.

[anudelever]

Last night I was so consumed with feelings of not wanting to be with you and then I woke up from sleep, regretting those feelings. I’m glad those emotions weren’t impulsively acted upon. I don’t know what happens to me sometimes. I guess maybe we just have days where our minds just wanders and you have this obsession on acting on it or at least I did. Last night, everything was bothering me. I’m sorry for thinking the things I did last night.

[anudelever]

I wish you would let me go, please just let me go.

[anudelever]

I wish we could just break up. I’m feeling so suffocated. I want to be held and yet, I’m here, awake, next to you and I’m too concerned about you then I am about myself.

I miss who I used to be when you weren’t in my life. Able to do whatever the fuck I wanted with whomever the fuck I wanted to. I feel a strong sense of resentment towards you. I hate that I’ve taken care of you and supported you more times than you ever have and yet here I am still with you because I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to want to be in this relationship.

I wish I could find a way out of this trap.

[anudelever]

You know, the reason why I agreed to dating you was because I knew you’d love me more than I’d love you. I knew you’d be loyal, and faithful. You were ambitious and attractive and i figured If I stayed with you long enough I’d fall in love too. Yet you fell for me hard and I was still waiting to fall in love also. I care for you deeply and I do love you but not in the same way as you feel for me. I am so comfortable with you... too comfortable.

I was told to always go for the one that loves you more than you love them. I did that but I wish I didn’t feel so guilty and empty when I’m with you. I keep thinking it’s going to get better and some days I really am happy but on other days... not so much.

[anudelever]

If we were to sleep together, would anything beyond that happen? Could we have maintained feelings or a relationship? If our physical desire dies out, would we be left with regret? Would we fall apart?

You’re so simple and I’m an over thinker... I’m always attracted to a simpleton and then wonder why it turns out this way.

Maybe I just wanted a friend or someone that loved unconditionally. That’s why I’m with you but with the other person I want desire, intimacy, passion.

They say one fades quick while the other lasts a lifetime. Yet an short lived happiness makes me think twice about staying with you...

[anudelever]

All it would have taken is one kiss to my neck and I would have fallen and left you...

What does that make me? Horny? Desperate? A shitty person? Probably all of those things.

But you never asked or wanted to know what makes me aroused, horny. I guess that’s why our relationship turned out the way it did... platonic and comfortable... a routine... a habit.

The longer we stay in this relationship the harder it is to get out. I don’t want to leave you when you can’t even support yourself. Would you hate me if you knew I’m waiting till you’re financially independent to finally walk out on you?

[anudelever]

I replay that moment in the train so many times and masturbate to your name.

Would you be flattered or disgusted if you knew that?

My heart can’t help drift back to feeling that desire for you from time to time. How can one lust for someone for so long, is it lust anymore after so many years?

I wish you felt the same. I know even if you did you’d fear ruining our friendship and honestly I do too... I hate that I can never have you.

Is it an obsession? I can’t help how much I want to sleep with you...

They say it only happens in movies... but that moment in the train felt like a dream... a moment in the train... a memory I secretly hold on to...

How long ago has that happened? it’s been so long I can’t even remember when.. 6? 7? Years ago? But my crush was continuous for... 12 years... I’m so pathetic.. lol... I went into this relationship hoping I’d move on from you, for good, and yet here I am... holding onto a memory that you probably couldn’t even remember if I brought it up. At night it’s you my mind drifts too but when I’m awake and near my S.O you’re not on my mind... sometimes...

[anudelever]

I think about that day where we (my longtime secret crush/friend and I) were on the train.

I forget where we were headed but I could never forget those few minutes we had in the train.

It was hot summer day and it may have been rush hour. We weren’t supposed to be in the train, with just us two. Our friends got separated into the near by cart and we were in another.

Initially when we went in, it wasnt as packed but as the stops kept passing by it kept getting more packed. It was all okay until people kept pushing you closer to me, to the point where we were only inches apart.

I glanced at your face for a second to ask or comment on the situation, maybe make a joke but the moment I turned my face towards yours I couldn’t speak and immediately turned away. You were so close, and the small distance between us made me so conscious of you. I felt your breath near my face and neck. Any more pushing and you would have been completely on me.

At that moment, i wanted you to touch me, kiss me. My heart was beating so fast and all I felt was desire for you. I wish that moment lasted a bit longer.

You were so quiet. We both didn’t speak. I wonder... if you noticed... I wonder if you wanted to touch me? I fantasize about that moment so many times... I wonder if you remember.

[anudelever]

Is the “grass greener on the other side.” But if we never takes risk for something better, we’ll never know if it’s better.

I assume all relationships become stale after a while. So you have to bring back the spark..? However, new relationships usually start off with an spark. Are there relationships where it never loses the “spark?”

Will I ever get to experience such a relationship?... what is the spark? What does it feel like? Is it the butterflies and jittery feeling? The anxiety and nervousness? The strong lust?

After time, doesn’t it all settle down? So you’re left with habit and comfort? There’s nothing wrong with that but I guess it’s really up to the person when they decide this is the time I want to settle down.

Am I just greedy? Sometimes I feel I am ready and other times I feel I have so much more left to experience...

[anudelever]

I’m imaging what sex would be like with different people. In different ways, and maybe with different amount of people. My sexual curiosity is my biggest secret but if this continues will I fall deeper and deeper into a dark pit that has no end?

Why is it that with women I can imagine a life long companion but it’s not sexual. With men it’s amazing sex but never companionship?...

[anudelever]

As I’m writing all of this... I realized you are my first relationship that has lasted this long. I wonder if I’d had more experience being in relationships I’d know what to do with this frustration. I want us to work but I want something more, something I know you can’t give me... something that I don’t want from you... I don’t feel aroused when I’m with you... but I feel this strong platonic love for you... but I want sex.... sigh... what’s wrong with me...

I do love you... am I right for you? I’m sorry I am this way... don’t hate me...