From the bottom of my hypothalamus, I hate you.
I hate how even we broke up weeks, months ago, I still love you like you were mine.
Every day, every hour - literally every time I doze of into my thoughts even when I’m wide awake in the middle of the day. I go back to your warm embrace.
Just the though of possibly seeing you brightened up my day. I wanted to tell you in person everything that I’m feeling. I want to let you know that I still cling to you, I still cling to what we have had. And I guess that where the problem lies. I haven't moved-on from you yet. I refuse to move on.
It sucks how I’m starting to get mad at you. You hardly reply to my text and messages. We agreed on becoming friends, but I feel like you treat me less than a friend now.
Did you broke your phone?! Did you block me that’s why you don't get any notification whenever i message you?!?! or are you happy shoving me off and making me wait a whole day before you reply?!?! You enjoy playing with my emotions?!?!
And this anger and hatred that is brewing in my heart is unfair to you. Like what my friends keep on reminding me, “he’s not doing anything wrong, its just his way of moving on - moving forward.” I have to actually admit in this letter that I’m angry and sad on how quickly you can replace me. Well I guess its cuz you’re handsome and all of that that’s why guys can easily be all over you. But anyways, I want to say sorry for this very unfair thought of mine.
I’m sorry for everything.
I’m sorry that in times, you feel like I’ve taken you for granted. I’m sorry that I can’t be the boyfriend that you deserve. I’m sorry that i didn’t have the courage to chose you over my family. I’m sorry that I’m such a stink boyfriend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. Its all my fault.
I’m not strong enough to chose you - my happiness over my responsibility. I deserve to suffer. I am weak.
When you told me that, “you’ve never loved anyone like you loved me.” I was also feeling the same way. I’ve never loved a guy so much that I was actually willing to walkaway from everything - even my own family. I want to give you my all. In my head, I was working towards our relationship to the fullest of my capacity. I want to give you more. I want to give you my everything, but my family still needs me. I want to say yes every time you tell me that you want to marry me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
In this long and very dark tunnel that I’m currently going though right now, that tiny, little spark that I see in the end was still the photo of you hugging me as I was smiling. It always give me hope that one day my parents would understand that I’m gay, and be ok with it. That this is me and I can never change myself. I hope I’m still alive before they realize that.
Thank you for the happiness that you’ve made me feel. thank you for the warm, tight hugs and the kisses that I’ll treasure for the rest of my life. I really hope and pray that one day our lives will cross again. And I promise, I wont waste that second chance that I might get. I hope by that time, I am a better version of myself, capable of loving you with my all.
No matter what the future has for us, you’ll always be my sunshine, my breath of fresh air, my greatest love.
-You’re stupid ex boyfriend that would probably live in the closet 5ever
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