The Anxiety Monologues

We're all a little unhinged, so let's just remove the doors. My name is Randi. This is an exploration of my own anxiety and quirks. My goal is to learn about myself, connect with others who are similar, and maybe make this world a bit more bearable.

[traumaticbackstory]

[anxietymonologues]

I guess my immediate and guttural laughter is a sign that I identify with this on a visceral level. 

[whatisthiswitchcraft]

it be like that sometimes

[anxietymonologues]

Time flies when you’re anxious...

I miss posting about my anxiety and recovery process. It’s been over two years since I’ve actively journaled or shared thoughts here. And a lot has changed. 

My relationship has reached 2.5 years. I FINISHED my Master’s degree. I’m entering a PhD program, moving, and buying a home with my SO. 

So much good is happening. And so much growth has occurred. I certainly have not handled the last two years with as much grace, patience, and understanding as I would have liked. There have been some very dark times, difficult relationships and moments, and a lot of lost sleep and breakdowns. I would have thought that all of it would have been related to graduate school, but surprisingly it seems that the older I get the closer my emotions are to the surface. Or maybe that’s all of the recovery? Who knows. 

Anyways, I hope to update this account more regularly now and continue to share things that help me get through my issues. 

[anxietymonologues]

Is ones of my greatest fears coming true?

Well, it has been an incredible and trying couple of months. I’m not sure I have ever been this mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. Or at least, I’m not sure I have had the awareness of feeling like this while it is occurring. Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m crumbling… I finally know what a healthy perspective and routine feels like so now that I’m overwhelmed and overextended it’s that much more painful and worrying.

There are only 6 weeks left in my first year of grad school. I’m so proud of myself for how much I’ve learned and accomplished in such a brief time. The upcoming finals and then comprehensive exams seem daunting, but I’ve already proved I can handle such stress in the past. I’m just trying to remind myself that this is nothing beyond my capabilities.

I have not been very healthy the last few months. My stress eating is out of control and I have to force myself to work out and go to bed at a decent hour. My poor boyfriend has experienced the brunt of my anxiety and I feel terrible about that. He can usually talk me down or point out when I’m being irrational. I may not always listen the first time, but it will usually sink in the next day. This is the first time I’ve truly journaled since August and that is also alarming. I’m not checking in with myself or taking time to assess how I feel. And that is a slippery slope leading to anxiety attacks and burnout.

And that brings me to one of my big fears: falling back into the “school me.” I wrote about this the last few years while I was working through it with my therapists. I realized that my perfectionism takes over when I’m in school and fuels my anxiety to the point that school is all I see and care about. Not only does it become obsessive, it becomes my identity. I am my performance. I am my progress. I am my grades. I am my successes. I am my failures. And let me tell you, in that state… no amount of success can overcome the negativity that surrounds any perceived failure or missed expectation, which is ludicrous considering how high my perfectionist expectations are. It’s this endless negative cycle of self-deprecation. I am never good enough because my work is never good enough. The stress of it all makes me overeat, fries my brain to the point that I’m more exhausted, but keeps me up at night so that I can’t sleep. Even if I do sleep, I have stress-filled lucid dreams that leave me more tired than when I went to bed. I’m so frazzled that I can’t care for myself. Eating healthy, cooking, cleaning, staying hydrated, working out, and hygiene… all of it takes a back seat to the erratic and intense energy that bounces back and forth between despair and panic-driven, manic work.

This is exactly the cycle I did not want to fall back into when I began grad school. It was my number one reservation for entering a program. I truly feared if I could “handle” it. And by that, I mean if I could hold my obsessive anxiety at bay and still be able to perform well in school. Part of me says that I’m doing okay. I mean, I made it this far, right? But looking back at the last few months, I have clearly struggled to stay afloat. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and pushed myself too far several times. I’ve had 2 anxiety attacks and a more recent emotional/physical breakdown in which I overextended myself to the point that I had to be forced to take a mental health day to sleep. That’s clearly not healthy. But am I just doing what my “school me” does anyways? Am I defining myself by my failures? I am here. I am alive. I am succeeding overall. Doesn’t that matter at all? Of course I have not been perfect. And that’s okay. This entire experience (aka life) is a process. I think I’ve lost sight of that. In fact, I know I have. I am not my successes and failures. I am me. I am good. I am loved and lovable. I am worthy. And I need to remind myself of that once again.

[introvertunites]

If you’re an introvert, follow us @introvertunites​

[anxietymonologues]

It's been a long time, Tumblr. Like 4 or 5 months, probably. Grad school is a time warp, in case anyone wondered. I was expecting to be busy and overwhelmed, but wow. It's constant time and anxiety management around here. 

I haven't been journaling or even taking care of myself all that well. Just trying to get by, really. It's been difficult, but I'm doing it. Over Christmas break I hope to have some time to myself to reflect on all that has happened emotionally and mentally. Despite not focusing on my recovery, I've made some progress. Baby steps, right? 

My perfectionism has been one of the key opponents. My (now long distant) relationship has been a challenge of my vulnerability, fears of abandonment, and codependency. My relationships with my family members continue to grow as I try to accept them for who they are and further express my own emotions. And establishing new relationships in my department and within my cohort has been tiring but also encouraging. 

I actually had a wonderful and deep conversation with my mom today. Discussing some childhood traumas, she apologized for not doing better. I was able to tell her it was okay because she did the best she could with the knowledge and resources she had. She was a good mom. And still is. And she needs to stop beating herself up for things that happened 25+ years ago that she wasn't able to comprehend at the time. She choked up at that and thanked me. 

Recognizing our humanity. That really just seems to be what these last few months have been about for me. Acknowledging my limits, when I need help, and seeing myself as a flawed human. And then looking at someone else, acknowledging their story, needs, and limits. We're all just trying to get by. And that's okay.

[introvertunites]

If you’re an introvert, follow us @introvertunites​

[introvertunites]

If you’re an introvert, follow us @introvertunites. 

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Errors in Thinking that Create Anxiety

1. All-or-nothing thinking: Looking at things in black-or-white categories, with no middle ground (“If I fall short of perfection, I’m a total failure.”)

2. Overgeneralization: Generalizing from a single negative experience, expecting it to hold true forever (“I didn’t get hired for the job. I’ll never get any job.”)

3. The mental filter: Focusing on the negatives while filtering out all the positives. Noticing the one thing that went wrong, rather than all the things that went right.

4. Diminishing the positive: Coming up with reasons why positive events don’t count (“I did well on the presentation, but that was just dumb luck.”)

5. Jumping to conclusions: Making negative interpretations without actual evidence. You act like a mind reader (“I can tell she secretly hates me.”) or a fortune teller (“I just know something terrible is going to happen.”)

6. Catastrophizing: Expecting the worst-case scenario to happen (“The pilot said we’re in for some turbulence. The plane’s going to crash!”)

7. Emotional reasoning: Believing that the way you feel reflects reality (“I feel frightened right now. That must mean I’m in real physical danger.”)

8. ‘Shoulds’ and ‘should-nots’: Holding yourself to a strict list of what you should and shouldn’t do and beating yourself up if you break any of the rule

9. Labeling: Labeling yourself based on mistakes and perceived shortcomings (“I’m a failure; an idiot; a loser.”)

10. Personalization: Assuming responsibility for things that are outside your control (“It’s my fault my son got in an accident. I should have warned him to drive carefully in the rain.”)

Source: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/anxiety_self_help.htm

[anxietymonologues]

If I got paid for avoiding my emotions, I'd be a multi billionaire.

[poems-and-word]

[rubyetc]

[anxietymonologues]

Tattoo outline is done! It's everything I wanted it to be. So bad ass and fun. It makes me smile and feel like I can conquer the world. This is a daily reminder of the day I decided to enter recovery for my anxiety. That day was the first day I stood up for myself. That day is when I took my life back. That day is when I decided I was going to be brave, I was going to be vulnerable, and I was going to win out over darkness. From that day forward it's been a fight. Even when there seem to be no hope, or the horizon was obscured by darkness, or I was faced with a mountain so tall I could not see it's peak, I made a promise to myself on that day that I would not give up on myself that I would do whatever it takes to break free from the worries that consumed me. I have wept. I have screamed. I have laughed. And I have clawed my way back to the light. It's been a long road but it's been worth it. I still have a lot of work to do but I know now that my worth is not measured by how far I have yet to go, but by my existence and how far I have already come. I am so proud to say I'm not the same person I was 4 years ago. And I'm not the same person that I will be tomorrow. You see, the greatest thing about life is that everything changes and we have the power to to make change for ourselves. Now we cannot control the world or people or the things that happen to us, but we can control how we react, how we treat ourselves, how we treat others, and what we put back into this world. No matter what happens I choose to fight. To fight for those that I love, for what I believe in, and most importantly for myself. I am strong and I am worthy. And I am so excited for the journey that lies before me.

[anxietymonologues]

Celebrating my 4 year recovery anniversary with an anxiety warrior tattoo! Pics to come. I'm so excited I'm going to burst!

[michellepsychologist]

@chibird

[anxietymonologues]

Being an INTJ with codependent, obsessive, and perfectionist tendencies in a relationship with an outgoing, spontaneous, procrastinator really shines a harsh light on how controlling and critical I can be. Yikes. I have lots of reflection, work, and growing to do.

[anxietymonologues]

Took the first step to get my recovery celebration tattoo! Sent the references over to the artist today. Hoping he can work his magic (it's a cover up of one I had done when religion was my only coping mechanism). I told him that it's a happy tattoo so I want vibrant colors. Hah. Now I'm so nervous!