The Best of Depressed

30+ | she/her | none of my neurotransmitters work ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[alivehouse]

our virtuous adhd influenced rsd vs their nefarious bpd influenced irrational fear of abandonment

[alivehouse]

well im putting my tags front and center now since ppl liked this post

[anxious-toast]

Sometimes I really do just want to be somebody else.

[anxious-toast]

I wanted to be your friend forever too.

So I'm sorry I tried to change it. I'm sorry I put expectations on you.

I'm not sure we could've made it anyway. I'm thinking of an alternative universe where you loved yourself the way I love you. Because I still love you, in that deep-down way we talked about. But I had to imitate your thick shell to stay safe from the feeling that you were abandoning me.

How can I feel abandoned by someone I gave up? It felt like you were abandoning yourself as well. I couldn't watch. And now I can't go back. And you didn't chase me.

It's always been and will always be you.

Only in my dreams will you reach out and want me back. And only in my dreams will I reject you because I know the hurt it will cause us. Maybe my subconscious is smarter than I am.

I hope... I wish that I could be part of your happiness. I wish I could see you be happy and know it's true. And then I could soak it up and feel it too.

I think about how you wanted that tattoo. I blush. I couldn't permanently mark myself with the you you hid behind a wall, but I would've liked to have seen it.

I couldn't grieve us. We still exist somewhere. And, as usual, I had to put another grief ahead of you. We take turns being selfish. I'm sorry.

Now I'm not sure how to move on. Who will want me when they would have to love you too? I can't gift wrap my baggage for another person to carry. And I can't bring myself to give up this precious cargo.

Will you please do what makes you happy? Even if it's not asking for me. Even if I'm still waiting for you.

I don't trust you to be honest that your happiness is real. You'd never rock the boat by telling me about your pain. I'm sorry you couldn't trust me with your heart.

Maybe I couldn't handle seeing my pain in your reflection. I still have a lot to do, and I'm sorry I'll be doing it without you.

[thearmyofgrunge]

[headspace-hotel]

why are schoolchildren so much better at detecting autism in girls than legit doctors

after seeing a knowledgeable pediatrician ur whole life you’ll finally get evaluated as a teenager and they’ll be like “I am forced to concede...that you may have a slight case of the Ass Burgers”

when Melissa, Kelsey and Sophie from the third grade will look at you for .5 seconds, simultaneously be like “this other small girl has something wrong with her” and give you lifelong trauma without even referring you to a psychologist

[anxious-toast]

I hate working under capitalism because every time I get a message pointing out a mistake I've made, I have to pretend I'm not sitting at my desk crying about it thinking that I'm a failure who can't do anything right, and I have to act like I'm actually so glad they pointed this out to me so I can learn from it.

[owlet]

you need to get it out of your mind that psychosomatic illness is just “making up symptoms” when it’s actually much more like your body is being actively poisoned by chemicals released from your brain

[owlet]

if you’re so stressed that you’re puking your guts up every morning, are unable to eat or keep anything down, you can’t look at light without feeling infinitely worse and feel exhausted and in pain all the time (or whatever your particular stress induced symptom set is) you’re not just feeling like that because you’ve willed it into being. your body is begging for relief from the constant barrage of stress hormones and it requires the fundamental source of stress to go away, not just distracting yourself from the symptoms

just because the root is psychological doesn’t mean the result isn’t an entirely physical process.

[fourlokototallandscaping]

A few months back, I read about a study that found that people who were told to regularly think about things they’re grateful for reported significantly improved physical and mental well-being at the end of the study. So I started going for a walk every day before work and making myself come up with 5 things that I’m grateful for. And I know it sounds like the most cornball shit ever, but it has fundamentally changed my brain chemistry.

I was aware that I was becoming a little bit too much of a sarcastic little hater before I started this experiment. Now I am almost startled to catch myself saying shit like, “Wow, look at the flowers on that tree, I am so grateful I decided to walk this way,” unironically, completely unprompted, and outside of the specific time in the day when I do the gratitude practice. I’ve rewired my brain to look for things to be grateful for, and so I look around me more and find more of them, which makes me feel happier, which makes me find even more good things.

For the record, I’m not saying, “Only think positive thoughts! No bad vibes!” Toxic positivity is probably about as unhealthy as only thinking negative thoughts. Sometimes shit does just suck. I’m not telling you to be grateful for the bad things around you. Being a sarcastic little hater definitely has its place. But setting aside like 2 minutes per day to come up with 5 things you’re grateful for will genuinely improve your outlook. It doesn’t have to be big stuff—sometimes the best I can manage is simple shit like, “I’m grateful that zippers were invented,” but even that forces me to be in the present moment and deepens my appreciation of the world around me. Try it, even if you have to do it badly or sarcastically at first. Even if you only do it so that you can come back and tell me I’m wrong in 3 months. Set a daily alarm on your phone and give it a try.

[flyingpurplepizzaeater]

when you go from a bad situation into a better one you may collapse exhausted and unsure what to do and full of grief, you may need time to regain the ability to do things as yourself or motivated by anything other than terror, you may need time to process or mourn or fall apart in ways you could not before,

and people may use this as proof that the old situation was better for you, proof that you need to go back, and it is not proof that it was better for you or proof that you need to go back

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

!!!

It’s so incredibly common to “fall apart” when you’re finally safe. You no longer need to stay so tightly coiled in on yourself, you can finally leave survival mode and process your trauma. You’re not holding yourself up by sheer terror anymore and suddenly the damage that terror has done to you becomes immediate and obvious. 

[kipplekipple]

This is so important. Don’t go back. Things are already getting better, even if it doesn’t feel that way.

[lilbittydragon-deactivated20241]

This is a documented phenomenon with abuse in particular. I’ve had a number of people ask me why they’re falling apart now after they’ve moved into a safer home, or they’re in a less dangerous area, or they’ve left an exploitative job, or they’re in a healthy relationship for the first time. Generally, it’s because they made that positive change. 

When we’re still in the midst of crisis, we’re often too overloaded and physically/emotionally unsafe to really feel or process anything. So for most of us, everything gets pushed down/repressed/dissociated until later, when we’re safe and supported. The threshold of safety at which processing begins to occur varies from person to person. And the mental calculations used to determine “safety” usually happen on an unconscious level. Very few of us have the conscious thought “I’m safe now, so I can process what happened to me.” Instead, the subconscious realizes some level of safety has been achieved, and so it just dumps a load of suppressed stuff. 

Sometimes, it’s contrast to past experiences that makes us realize something was traumatic at all. In such cases, it’s not that we’ve reached a level of safety and can thus begin to process, it’s that we finally have a basis for comparison to know that what went before was unacceptable. 

[vaspider]

Any time I go through a huge period of stress, I invariably get a massive migraine the day after the stress releases. It’s like my body is suddenly “okay, we can deal with this now.”

That’s normal. Take care of yourself now that you can.

[rapidpunches]

"SURVIVING"

[autistic-apple-sauce]

This still blows my mind

[3rdbogwitch2theleft]

I will happily delete this if I’m derailing or taking away from the original message (initially I put this in the tags, but a friend asked me to reblog as text)

If you don't want to pursue an autism or adhd diagnosis and you have access to a doctor or therapist you can get them to write you a note attesting to a symptom of your neurodivergence (rather than naming the condition itself) and stating the need for accommodation. 

It's something my therapist told me about when we were still working in offices. I have sensory processing issues and on multiple occasions the noise in my office was so bad I broke the skin on my hand clenching my fist. 

This work-around of course won't fix structural ableism and relies on you having access to a doctor/therapist who actually gives a crap, so still might only help a couple of folks. 

[khaleesi--daenerys-targaryen-de]

Thats a good add on

[she-waves-at-cats]

I think it needs to become common knowledge that "inability to read social cues" can show up as overcompensating.

You don't know how much misbehaviour is allowed, so you become the perfect child who never tests rules.

You don't know if someone is irritated with you, so you'll be extra generous and self-effacing.

You don't know how much is expected of you at work so you'll kill yourself in a minimum-wage job and not notice that nobody else is working like this.

"Hardworking and quiet" should be as much of an autism red flag as "ignores rules and doesn't know when to stop talking". Or why don't we just start using words to communicate so i can stop tracking everybody's eyebrow twitches, that would be great.

[kosmogrl]

[valtsv]

this is going to sound like such a little sibling ass take but i genuinely believe that being a little bit annoying is actually a greater sign of maturity and self awareness than being universally likeable and on good terms with everyone

[valtsv]

if some people find me annoying and can't stand me because of how i think and act then that means i'm a fully realized human being with my own personality and opinions and free will and not just a reflective surface for other people's desires, which is in fact a good thing despite what people who want you to just be a reflection of their own opinions and desires will tell you, and why being considered "cringe" or whatever doesn't bother me at all

[valtsv]

also it's really funny when you're confident enough in yourself to know that people not liking you isn't always a sign that you're the problem. like there's something undeniably hilarious about being aware your mere existence has the power to piss someone off and ruin their day and i recommend embracing it.

[spice-ghouls]

[adhdxxsdiary]

[axolotlandalite]

[stormclouds-chainmail]

[Image description

Image 1: a tweet by @/RaeOfStarShine "Rae" which says "Autism on TV: I say insulting things to people and when they are upset I argue with their logic instead of apologising. Autism in real life: a friend hasn't spoken to me in a few days so I am analysing everything I have ever said to them in case it was rude and they hate me now".

Image 2

Tumblr tags

#tv characters with autism always seem to carry this unshakeable confidence in themselves #like they've never been truly rejected by people they cared about

#whereas every autistic person i know myself included

#has at some point had to internalise the message 'there is a line at which people will get sick of you.'

#this line is invisible and you don't know which of your natural behaviours push you closer to that line #and which are fine to do and help build relationships

#so you had a childhood of just being constantly surprised when suddenly you find the line

#and it's a bad surprise because now you've lost something or someone you care about and it's your fault #you might not be able to get it back either - you just have to accept that life is like stumbling through a minefield in the dark

#sometimes you'll get to the other end. sometimes you'll lose an arm or a leg. and you have no idea which or when.

#and this means that a lot of us do the logical thing and don't move

#we don't socialise we don't stand out we don't show any sliver of personality in case that's the step that blows us up

#we toe the ground so carefully hoping we'll be able to pick up on the danger before we die from it

#but there'll always be those you don't see coming

#and then you end up lonely and people tell you to make friends you have to be yourself

#being yourself is synonymous with deciding to just start running. you know you *could* in theory do it. #but your body's so aware of the danger it physically won't let you

#so what now?

End description]

[seravph]

I think that in real life…. Relationships r like . Your partner WILL ‘trauma dump’ on you. You will have to perform ‘emotional labor’ for your partner. Your partner will make mistakes. You will also do all of these things. The very nature of love is irrational and problematic and difficult …. To expect a relationship to be free of these things is strange to me…. The point is that your relationship to that person is ultimately worth it, and worth growing with them, helping each other, seeing the worst parts of another person and being able to love them anyway

[anxious-toast]

Damn, I've spent a great portion of my life answering the question "How do I make myself unabusable?" with "I must make myself perfect" instead of "I won't accept abuse." Haha wtf.