A Pilgrim's Journal

life entries of a Christian woman on journey to behold the beauties of Christ

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"Christ is the crown of crowns, the glory of glories, and the heaven of heavens."

-Thomas Brooks

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Blessings from the Father of Light

I have not been writing here because I got caught up in several important events in my life.

Starting last year, I left my job and moved to a different company that offers remote work privileges and a higher salary. I got married on January 7 of this year, and in March we found out that we were expecting a child. I worried a lot about how we would pay for our wedding, yet God carried us through that season. Now, He has blessed us with a child in my womb. He has also answered our daily prayers for provision and helped us with the construction of our house, which we thought would be put on hold for a long time.

I honestly cannot begin to understand why God would bless me so abundantly that my cup overflows. No wonder David sang psalms and worshiped the Lord with a grateful heart, for when God blesses His people, He does not withhold His goodness from them.

Admittedly, I am learning a great deal about God through both marriage and pregnancy. There was a time when even these good gifts He had given me became weapons that cultivated unbelief in my heart. My unbelief stemmed from the fear that perhaps God was blessing me so much because He intended to send a trial so great that all these blessings would be remembered no more—a death in the family, deprivation, or debilitating debt that would leave us practically begging.

How shameful it was of me to think of God that way, as though He were severe and calculating, when He is tender and full of steadfast love and mercy. I did not realize this myself. My husband, without even knowing it, had the wisdom to correct my thinking. When I asked him if he was afraid of suffering in the future after receiving such blessings, he simply said that he did not think that way because God is not like that. And he was absolutely right.

I take pride in knowing and studying theology, but when it comes to the basic and fundamental truth of who God is, I stumble.

I praise You, Lord, for not turning me away because of such folly. I understand now why You want us to have childlike faith: to believe You with all my heart, not dwelling on every other possibility, but waiting confidently for what You have said You will do.

So here I am expressing my gratitude to You with no qualms as to why but with all the hope of Your Word as true and everlasting.

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"We count as blessed those who have endured."

A person going to a surgeon will bear sharp pain when he is convinced he will be cured by such pain. If a man proposes to cut me, I decline his offer. But if I know that I will die unless the incision is made, I welcome the knife. Let him cut without mercy if he intends mercy by it. It might be unmerciful to hold back his hand in such a case. Such knowledge should make us patient under divine chastisement. The Lord never grieves us because He likes to grieve us. He is full of pity and will only rid you of what would harm you.

"The Lord is compassionate and merciful."

Let us not be persuaded by man or devil to think ill of our God. He has a father's heart even when he makes us fear the strokes of His hand. Our God cannot be unkind to us; He cannot forsake us. If we would see His goodness and His justice blended, we must look at the Son of God on the cross, dying in our place. Let us not doubt the tenderness of Him who gave His one and only Son.

-Charles Haddon Spurgeon

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6th of July

On July 6 of this year, I got engaged.

I believe I have not mentioned that I am now in a relationship. Much to my gratefulness to the LORD, I have been given a man who wants to be with me and, eventually, marry me. A lot of things are happening in a flash, and I did not have time to process each event that occurred. But what I can confidently say is that God has always been so gracious to me, and lately, I have been seeing more of it.

Honestly, I do not think that I deserve everything I have right now. I will even attest that there are far more worthy ladies to experience all the blessings I have been getting. There are purer, humbler, more dedicated, and more passionate women to Christ and His ordinances than I could ever be. And yet, I am still allowed, by His unfailing providence, to enjoy such beautiful gifts. That fact alone reminds me of what a compassionate and generous God we have.

My fiancé and I are planning to get married first thing next year. Our relationship is not a smooth-sailing ride, especially with the wedding planning and scarce finances, but I am blessed to have a man who wants to serve God as much as I do, if not more. Our spiritual gifts are vastly different from each other, but I praise God for not giving me someone like me, since it would be a nightmare to be married to someone exactly like me: no strength to be honed and no weakness to be conquered, just comfort and ease with familiarity in marriage. I have yet to know where the Lord is leading us to serve and worship Him through this relationship, but I am looking forward to His manifested grace when they come. I pray that Migo and I will always love Him above all, die to ourselves, walk humbly, and serve the church as long as we live.

I used to think that maybe blessed singleness would be my portion, but the LORD gave me my desired lot.

To echo the words of a faithful prophet: “From ancient times no one has heard, no one has listened to, no eye has seen any God except you who acts on behalf of the one who waits for him.”

Truly, the LORD has made my waiting bear fruit of gratitude and praise for all who wait in Him will never be put to shame.

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Domine, libera me a malo homine, me ipso

Lord, deliver me from an evil man, myself.

-Augustine

I can never be complacent. There is no resting from the battle in this side of life. Because whenever I try to relax and think that I am so close to You, Lord, the enemy catches me. This is not to mistake that I do not rest and have you as my refuge. I speak of when I think I will not sin for a time, and yet I do. I realized that when I think I am safe, that is when I am most vulnerable. As the Scriptures warn, "Wherefore he that thinkers himself to stand, let him take heed lest he fall", so it is true in my walk with You.

Help me discern between true rest and idleness, Lord. I know resting is also worship but I acknowledge that I frequently get more idle instead of resting in You. This race that You appointed us to run is not for the fainthearted, Lord. We battle with the enemy, the world, and our flesh. Deception and deconstruction of truth are rampant. I am not complaining, Lord, I just really long for it to be over sometimes.

It is no wonder that You always reminded the apostles to abide in You and take heart. Yes, it is an overwhelming land to tread on for us pilgrims, Lord. But we look forward to seeing Your city, whose builder and designer is the Almighty. And there we shall call You, our God, to the glory of Your Name, forever and ever.

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A Vain Liberty

Part I.

Is this it? Is this all?

No, nothing makes sense at all

As another day rolls,

I awake to a persistent question

But just like any other day,

I shrugged it off and went on my way

Doors opened again, faces unmasked

And with cheerful voices, we all hear,

“We are free, we are free at last!”

And so we live, and we live fast

I fled and ran from unceasing cry,

O voice within me, hush,

No, I will not, and not doubt

If path be taken aright

Alas! On one dreary night, I sighted a mirror,

Caught up the call and bellowed to mind

“Is this it? Is this all?

Is this all you’re living for?”

Perplexed hopes, worries rushed in

“It cannot be, it cannot be!”, I cried

I must seek my Purpose, my pride

Yes, I shall venture, but dear, shall I find?

Part II.

Treaded down ways in uncertainty

I sought and looked for what I have not

Journeyed peaks and valleys

My Purpose, where could you be?

I climbed the peak that led to Success

For from others told, Purpose might be on this

Thus I labored and toiled, persisted awhile

Steady and tried, I believed Success’s lie

Feasted in gold and accolade

Only to find that it is as void as I

Sullied dreams paved another road

To present Romance an equal chance

As I was told Purpose could be in its hands

So I admired and cherished the beauty of one

Happiness attained yet it was soon gone

In arms of a lover, I found it not

The more I wanted its warmth, the more it wasn’t enough

Forget love I lost, be numb and unfeeling

wallowed in sadness, in pain, in hurting

escaped to valley of Vices, coaxed, unbecoming

Turned impassive from liquor and substance

But even then, and especially then

Can Vices not tell what I truly aim

In fervid, fleeting feelings, I despaired long

I hunger for what is abiding, lasting, and strong

I thirst, parched from dry and empty lands I took

Oh Purpose, my Purpose, where else could I look?

Part III.

Then I went on and walked still

To unfamiliar faces, welcomed strange voices

Conversed with forced smiles and laughter

And in every passing hour, I admit I falter

Yet I remain to live and try

To strive for hope and fight for life

Amidst insecurities and suffered wounds

I slowly sank and drown in time

I heard men tell of love and joy

They speak to me as if they know

Do they know how hard I try?

Do they know how maddening it is?

To just exist not knowing what for

They tell me I’m free and free at all

But vain this liberty, vain! Vain!

If this be freedom, then why do I feel confined?

Trapped in my question, a prisoner of my own mind

I scream inside in unsettling dismay

Traveled far and wide, to seek and find

Yet in every endeavor and turn decides

My sorrow grew stronger, my misery magnified

No one can know because no one understands

Can anyone help me?

Who shall save me from this agony?

What can be the heart’s remedy?

Abandoned my notions and ideals

In this darkest hour, I hopelessly surrender

Woe, woe to me! For I am torn asunder

And from a distance, a faint voice was heard

“Come, my beloved! I am what you’ve been searching for.”

I made this poem for our Worship Night in church some years ago. I am posting it because I might forget my copy and where I can read it again. I recently read John Milton's Paradise Lost and I agree with him that to think poems must rhyme all the time is a form of modern bondage to its creation. It may not be in iambic pentameter and as glorious Milton's works, but I enjoyed writing it and I praise the LORD for giving me a desire to use my hobby to His glory.

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But God gave us one such costly gift that he could never give us another equal to it-the great gift of the Lord Jesus Christ. God had but one only begotten and well-beloved Son, yet he gave him to us. Now, if all heaven and earth were put together, and all that God has anywhere in the universe were added thereto, it could not equal in value that first majestic and unspeakable gift. How came the great God ever to think of making such a wondrous present as this to poor worms such as we are? No one could have suggested the thought to him. I can well believe that when the holy angels heard that the Son of God was to be incarnate, and when it was revealed that in human flesh he was to die, even they could scarcely believe such a thing was possible. The thought of Calvary's sacrifice could never by any possibility have originated in their mind. O God, you did give your Son to us and for us because your heart was your heart, and there is nothing like it even in your heaven of glory! His infinite heart, in inconceivable compassion, suggested to itself the giving up of its greatest treasure, and it gave up for us, poor sinners, the heart of Christ to bleed and die on our behalf. It must be because of the love of the heart of God that this unique gift was given there could be no other reason for its bestowal.

Charles Haddon Spurgeon

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The Everlasting LORD

“The Lord is the strength of his people;  he is a stronghold of salvation for his anointed. 

Save your people, bless your possession, shepherd them, and carry them forever. ”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭28‬:‭8‬-‭9‬ ‭CSB‬

I do not know if how many people understand the gravity of God being everlasting. I, for one, do not. I just recently pondered on this and there are so many things I realized. The LORD, being everlasting means so many things but there are few I know and shall write about. First of all, He has communicated to us that He is everlasting. It was not the characters in the Scriptures who claimed that He is, He claimed this Himself. And as His children who has been enlightened by Him to the truth, we understand that this is indeed true and reliable claim. Now, I have the faintest idea of what this means according to my Lord’s divinity but from what I perceived from studying and meditating on His Word, and other biblical and reliable sources. In the dictionary, it means “abiding and existing through all time”, but in the Scriptures, it is plain to see that the LORD Almighty is outside time. He was there from the beginning and creation of the world. He also said in Revelation that He is the Alpha and Omega, beginning and end of all things. However, these do not and could not mean that He had a beginning and an end, for being able to create a beginning, one must have existed before and outside of that point of time. Therefore, our Creator is surely out of the bounds of time which also means that He is existing in perpetual present, outside the sequential flow of moments. What happened years ago to us, God knows and experiences it as if it is happening today. He pervades time so that He can genuinely promise that He is with us and will never leave us because His infinitude and everlastingness cannot do otherwise.

And now, how are we to benefit from this? How can we rejoice in this magnificent truth? We can take His word, the Scriptures, as the ultimate truth and nothing else. We can rely on it with utmost assurance that it will be fulfilled, may it be in our own lifetime or not. Let me take the Bible verses I started with as an example. David, the great king who lived and was called by God Himself as a man after His own heart, asked the LORD through a psalm that He saves His people, bless them, shepherd them, and carry them forever. The LORD fulfilled it all through Christ Jesus. He has become our Savior, the greatest blessing, the Good Shepherd, and the One who carried us and bore our sins by His life, death, and resurrection. David prayed this not knowing it will come to pass not in his lifetime but hundreds of years later. He was heard by God and honored his request by preserving a remnant from David’s lineage, from which the Messiah came. The LORD promised in 2 Samuel 7:16, ‘Your house and kingdom will endure before me forever, and your throne will be established forever.’ And because, Christ has risen and is alive and reigning, David’s house and kingdom endures forever.

It is truly a blessed comfort to have His promises as the anchor of our souls, Him as the Rock which we can build our lives on, the Cornerstone and foundation of our faith, our Living Hope, and our High Priest to ever mediate for us before the Father.

How I desire to tell you more but I am far from beholding all His glories. Whatever I can write about our Lord is but a drop in an ocean of His beauty and majesty. For now, are we not just glad that we have the Everlasting LORD to depend on anything and anytime?

-F.A.E.G.S

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All praises and honor to the God who loves and sustains all of His children. You are mighty and powerful, too wondrous to behold or understand. How can billions of people exist and yet You know them each by name? You know when they sit or rise up. You know every meaning behind their sighs. LORD, what is man that You are mindful of us? Why bother with such wayward creatures of obstinate will? Surely, Your love transcends all comprehension able to men.

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The God of Wonders

You, O Lord, are the God who does wonders.

I have written so much about my grievances toward my parents' separation. Being an only child with separated parents weighed on me and deeply affected my worldview. It is only You, Lord, who renewed my mind and spirit to acquire wisdom and godliness, but I used to be hopelessly doubtful of marriage and romantic love more than I cared to admit. I was pessimistic that I would be loved as much as I longed for by another human being. Make no mistake, I do not blame my parents' failed marriage but it did contribute to my fear of abandonment.

People used to ask if I wanted my parents to get back together and I would say yes but quickly retort that it was impossible since their hearts were hostile and apathetic toward each other. They used to talk with great disrespect even when we were in public. They would fight in restaurants and cafes we went into and every moment of that felt like a nightmare. I stopped wanting to spend time with both of them because it would just cause me anxiety. That was how unlikely they were to get back together so I ceased including it in my prayers.

But You, Lord, are the only one who knows how to make hearts of stones into beating ones. I know they are yet to be saved but I am surprised that they changed how they view one another. Mama started having dreams of Papa and Papa was talking about how he missed our family. You orchestrated every little thing in such a way that they both wanted to work things out. And now, we are all living in one house and just enjoying being complete again. There are still challenges and trials, like Lolo Elyo dying recently, but I know that it is in Your good will that it is all happening. Our hearts may grieve but we have so much to be thankful for as well.

As a psalmist once said and I resonate, "O Lord, how majestic is Your name in all the Earth!". Words fail as I try to magnify Your power and glory but my heart is Yours, Lord. You have won me over again. I admit that life's trials and disappointments made my heart grew cold and unbelieving lately but You graciously gave me a reminder that my life is hidden in You. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. I praise and thank You for never letting me go out of Your reach and care. You are my good shepherd. And I firmly believe, even if there comes a time that nothing will be worth believing anymore, that I shall dwell in Your house forever because You said so. And Your Word shall never fail.

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Psalm 46:1-3

1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah

Believe this, dear heart. You never walk alone. He promised to be with you. He has bound Himself to be your refuge. Hold on to it and never forget. The LORD Himself said this. Make your ever wandering heart remember.

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Can Anyone Be A Failure?

I feel like one. I think I am a failure.

I do not like waking up at dawn just to go to work and pay the bills I feel so helplessly obliged to pay. I do not like not being able to share the gospel to my colleagues because I fear rejection. I do not like not being able to be of comfort to people God sent me to encourage and support. I do not like not being able to do the tasks I am supposed to be doing because of my selfishness. I do not like sinning against the God I pledge allegiance and devotion to. In a nutshell, I do not like being myself.

And now that I am writing to express this, I can barely tell my feelings with accuracy. What I can write is just the tip of an iceberg but what lies beneath is so much deeper. In processing this, God showed me that it is really unbelief. I do not believe His promises enough to be comforted and strengthened so I wallow in this self deprecation like it is my job to be in it.

The LORD has graciously said in His word,

29 He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.

30 Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted;

31 but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:29-31

and yet, I rely on my own resolve to survive each day. Even when I desire to walk by the Spirit, why does it feel like I just do not?

So Lord, hear me from Your throne. Have mercy on my weary soul. Your servant needs You. You refresh me and I have experienced that several times in my life. But I plead for more. Will it be greed to want more of You? You have made my restless heart so I know You intend to fill it. Show it to me, Lord. Fill me until nothing is left of me, Holy Spirit. No one who abides in You can be a failure.

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O Lord, may the life Thou hast given me never ebb down so as to make it very feeble. But ignite within me the passion for which Christ has died and resurrected for.

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“O Lord, by all your dealings with us, whether of joy or pain, of light or darkness, let us be brought to you.

Let us value no treatment of thy grace simply because it makes us happy or because it makes us sad, because it gives us or denies us what we want; but may all that you send us bring us to you, that knowing your perfectness we may be sure that in every disappointment you are still loving us, and in every darkness you are still enlightening us, and in every enforced idleness you are still using us;

yea, in every death you are giving us life, as in his death you gave life to your Son our Saviour Jesus Christ. Amen.”

-Phillips Brooks, (1835-1893)

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You love me, Lord. It is overwhelming me right now. Your love overflows and abounds. How can I be so complacent about it most of the time? How dare I forget when I am in pain or inconvenience? How can I not sing of Your glory in the dullness of each day when it is all around me? Poor soul of mine, make me always see, Lord. Cause my soul to never grow cold in this wretched and miserable world I live in. And when I see you, please wipe these tears of satisfied longing at last.

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The One Night I Was Reminded

Oh what a Savior

Isn’t He wonderful?

Sing Hallelujah

Christ is Risen.

It was worship night earlier. A night full of singing praises to God. But I did not get to see it to the end because I went to Bunny then home early.

The brief time I stayed, however, was worthwhile. The first song that was sung is Here I Am To Worship. This flooded me with memories; it is one of the first songs I liked singing when the Lord first called me on high school. Singing it again reminded me how the Lord never changed. I am in different church and situation but He remained the same to me. He made me grow in faith that I can say that I am a different person but He is still the same God whom I first sang that song to, years ago. While I was singing, I was given questions in my head. Say that everyone I was singing with earlier suddenly disappeared and the Lord took them all that I was the only one left, would I have continued singing? Or if I were to be placed with people I do not know, would I still worship Him? These thoughts made me realize that it is only the Lord who would always be with me. He can alter the course of my life in a snap and although, I am to love people, I should not be attached to people to the point that I find satisfaction in their company no matter how godly and purposeful the relationships I intentionally formed are. Church is there to be loved, sharpened with, and shared the joy of living in Him but I believe that they should not be the source of our rest and affection because as lovely as they are, all are still sinners including myself. Everyone can and will disappoint each other in due time. But, this should not dishearten me and indeed, it does not. I am, all the more, overflowing with relief and gratefulness that it is only God that I can trust to be the same before, now, and forever. My brothers and sisters in Christ are still dear to my heart but they do not reign in it; that throne is pretty much occupied by my Lord Jesus alone.

As to further communicate my feelings, let me express it in a hymn:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

let me hide myself in thee;

let the water and the blood,

from thy wounded side which flowed,

be of sin the double cure;

save from wrath and make me pure.

Not the labors of my hands

can fulfill thy law's demands;

could my zeal no respite know,

could my tears forever flow,

all for sin could not atone;

thou must save, and thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,

simply to the cross I cling;

naked, come to thee for dress;

helpless, look to thee for grace;

foul, I to the fountain fly;

wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,

when mine eyes shall close in death,

when I soar to worlds unknown,

see thee on thy judgment throne,

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,

let me hide myself in thee.

You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in your word.

Psalms 119:114

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What Was Once a Haven

Lately, the place I considered as safe and serene is becoming a place I feel so scared to come to. But if I am being honest, it is not even a place, it is its people.

I have loved my church most profoundly. I cherished every sister and brother that I interact with. Each conversation with the congregation used to be a delight; full of hope and thankfulness.

But now, it seems as though I have to be careful of who I talk to or tell of what is going on in my life. Most people are more into information than ministering. Gossips are subtle but destructive in my church and my heart grieves it. From bitter remarks of dejected suitors to friendly ladies who in the guise of comforting them will make them pour out their hearts at the expense of telling all they said to me. I do not know with what intentions have they done it but it is not doing me any good at all. Knowing what they said about me in their pain is something I cannot imagine loving people of God would utter. In fact, if it was not for Christ, I would have been stumbled by these manipulative schemes of “comfort” and “life updates” outside of dgroup confidentiality. Not all people are practicing this in my church, but many are unaware and even defensive of this kind of behavior which I know is tolerated by many as “fellowship”.

I just want to worship the Lord and serve Him quietly and devotedly (1 Thessalonians 4:11) It is important to me where I want to continue serving and eventually raise future children who can look up to commendable leaders and mentors so I am asking the Lord if this inkling of going to a new place and start anew is from Him. I do not want this to be a way of escape from anything but a real desire to be of service to another people as it is called of me.

Until then, I will stay where I am planted now since it is the Lord who beckons where I am supposed to be. I do not expect to find another Haven anymore but just a place where humility and service abounds. And if most people start to become hurtful again, may I remember it is for Christ who died for me that I do all the service to.