I'M THE DADDY HERE

a containment chamber for all my shitposts

[apocalypsesimp]

Viktor: God, I had such a bisexual night last night.

Klaus: No way! You had a threesome?

Viktor: No, I just saw a pretty man and a pretty woman and I was too nervous to talk to either of them.

[apocalypsesimp]

Klaus: [panicking] I have to call 911, but the nine button isn't working!

Diego: [also panicking] Just turn the phone upside down and use six!

Klaus: Oh, you're a genius!

Five:

Five: I really saved the world for these people.

[apocalypsesimp]

Klaus: You'll never get me to talk! I ain't no snitch!

Eudora Patch: All right. Let's forget about it. Let's play a game instead. Tag a friend with whom you recently engaged in criminal activity.

Klaus: LMAOOOOO @ DIEGO

Klaus:

Klaus: oh fuck

[apocalypsesimp]

Luther: How on earth do you function when you never sleep?

Five: Well, when the caffeine inevitably runs out, the anxiety and panic attacks kick in, so I never feel tired. I'm always buzzing with energy!

Luther:

Luther: Five, are you okay?

Five: No.

[apocalypsesimp]

Luther: Stop asking our father if he's killed children!

Diego: I'll stop asking him when he stops killing children!

Reginald:

Reginald: You know, that seems pretty fair.

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Klaus: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

Klaus: In all the coolest and most glamorous ways possible.

[apocalypsesimp]

Allison: What would you say is your life motto?

Diego: Single and ready to mingle.

Klaus: Gay and ready to play.

Viktor: Bi and ready to die.

[apocalypsesimp]

Five: THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE FINAL STRAW!

Luther: Wait, we're out of straws?

Diego: No, I thought I saw some in the kitchen.

Viktor: You actually use straws?

Diego: No, not usually, but Lila likes them, so if I'm out, I'll pick some up for her.

Viktor: Well, don't get paper straws.

Allison: Oh, they make metal straws now! We can grab some of those!

Luther: What's wrong with just plain plastic straws?

Klaus: The turtles, bro!

Diego: Turtles don't use straws.

Viktor: I-I know, that's not what we're--

Luther: All right, well, first things first -- let's just find out if we even need more straws, okay?

Viktor: Well, Five said he used the last straw.

Klaus: Maybe he was lying.

Allison: Come on, Klaus, be serious. Why would he lie about something like that?

Klaus: Ask him yourself. He's climbing out the window right now.

[apocalypsesimp]

Dave Katz: Did it hurt--

Klaus: Yes.

Dave Katz:

Dave Katz: You--You didn't even wait for the "when you fell from heaven" part.

Klaus: Everything hurts.

Dave Katz:

[apocalypsesimp]

Viktor: I'm going to play you all a song

Viktor: It's called "my life so far"

Viktor: [takes a deep breath]

Viktor: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[apocalypsesimp]

Allison: What do you do when you see a spider in the room?

Luther: Everybody else always panics for some reason, so then I have to start panicking too, or I feel left out.

Five: I sit back and watch. Diego and Klaus running around screaming their heads off over a creature no bigger than their hand is just too hilarious.

Viktor: I gently pick him up and put him outside.

Klaus: I just scream super loud and call for Five or Viktor to handle it.

Diego: [climbing the wall] THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE ROOM?!

[apocalypsesimp]

Five: Now, if the Commission kills me while we're out there, what do you guys do?

Diego: Avenge you.

Five: What??

Allison: Eye for an eye!

Five: NO! The answer is get yourselves to safety and continue on without me!

Luther: WHAT?

Viktor: Why would we do that?!

Klaus: O'hana means family! And family means nobody gets left behind!

Five: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

[apocalypsesimp]

Viktor: Wow, Allison looks so calm and composed. I wonder how she does it?

Allison, internally: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck f

[apocalypsesimp]

Diego: Our father's a douche.

Luther: Our father is dead!

Diego: Dying did not make him any less of a douche.

[apocalypsesimp]

Klaus: The fact that I don't drink water is just a personality trait at this point, and it's one I'm unwilling to give up.

Viktor: Can I--Can I force you to drink water?

Klaus: Can I force you to drink exclusively Coke Zero?

Allison: Klaus, how are you ALIVE?!

Klaus: God isn't finished with me yet and she never will be.

Luther: Don't you ever get thirsty??

Klaus: Coke Zero sate that thirst

Five: [not even looking up from his book] Coke Zero's main ingredient is water, actually.

Klaus:

Klaus: On God?

Five: On God.

Klaus:

Klaus: Won't be drinking Coke Zero again.

Klaus: Much to think about.

[apocalypsesimp]

Luther: All right, let's have a coffee break. Meet me back here after fifteen.

Luther:

Luther: To specify, I meant "after fifteen minutes". Don't drink fifteen coffees.

Five: [vibrating] Too late.

[apocalypsesimp]

Viktor: Some people have instant noodles

Viktor: Some people have instant coffee

Viktor: I have instant sadness :(