Sophisticated Thoughts Of a Madman

Creative Outlet of A Madman(Apollo Demon). New Posts Every Now & Then

[apollodemon]

STOAMM

Retrospection

...Posts every now and then...

Well THEN has finally arrived if anyone was wondering if I’d ever post again

I’ve been seldomly writing in my journal over this past year but a lot has happened 

So just wanted to take this time to have a free write as I looked over these last posts I made on here

I’ve traded in the emptiness for excitement

Confusion about the meaning of love for experience

And I relish in her unconditional love she has blessed me with

Never saw this coming, wanted it, but figured I was undeserving of it

Desire to see her smile and with her raise our beautiful, still unnamed, child

Fills me with glee and anxiousness

Anxious to get on with it

I want to be finished with my commitments to the world so I can give her my every minute

Those dimming star studded eyes I once spoke of now carry dark bags

I’ll slave in the name of love so we can drift to the sounds of dreamy psychedelia

Stephanie Salamanca I love you unconditionally and I’m happy that I found my ‘one’ 

[apollodemon]

Between Infinities Lies Home & I'm Homeless

No matter how hard I try I can't think these thoughts away I live somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow but it's defiantly not today

[apollodemon]

Our eyes can never gaze upon themselves. And just like the eyes can never look into themselves, rather they can just see reflections of themselves in mirrors, the waters surface, and such, “I” may never be able to see “I”. Where does consciousness exist? And who am “I” beyond this flesh and ego? Have so many repressed emotions and feelings that I don’t know how to deal with them. Maybe I’ll never understand why things are here and the way they are and I’ll never be able to find myself if I keep avoiding and repressing thoughts and emotions that weight heavy on me. Let’s take time and smell the flowers and appreciate how beautiful our existence is. Let's spread as much love as possible If you're reading this I want you to know I love you, bunches ❤️.

[apollodemon]

D E A T H

Been several months that I can't rest Thinking about getting three 6s tatted on my chest Tell me, will that alleviate the stress? I'm just a man and my heads a mess Thinking since I'm alive I should feel blessed Yet if I die then maybe I'll hurt less But then again, what if I die and the pain just intensifies?

[apollodemon]

Lost

No matter how hard I try I can't think these thoughts away I live somewhere between yesterday and tomorrow but it's defiantly not today Purchased rose tinted glasses but still see nothing but shades of grey With splashes of crimson red all over the place

[apollodemon]

Therapeutic Free Verse To Get Something off my Chest

“I’d introduce myself but that doesn’t really matter Just to let you know I’ve seen your dream The one where all the blood splatters I thought you were fragile and I’m surprised you haven’t shattered Look you’re a second away from falling off the ladder And Ive noticed you don’t hear me when you’re looking at her But don’t forget you came here looking for information to gather The more you uncover the more it seems to be making you sadder”

Thats what the rational voice in my head said Once she and I became a thing But even then I felt our love was lead and we’d have to let go soon to avoid filling our lungs with dread I refused to let go though… I held on and attempted to swim back to where we started But at that point she had long ago let go But I made excuses for her I believed things that contradicted what I really felt I shouldn’t have ignored that feeling That’s clear now But I wanted to prove something I wanted to prove that love could live forever My parents weren’t together when I was growing up And my dad never showed respect for my mom Nor did my uncles for my aunts And before you knew it they were gone divorced and all my aunties now single moms And they spoke so badly of men My grandma used to tell my grandpa she was gonna throw a party the day he became dead And I felt ashamed to be a man My dad abandoned three families before I was conceived And I knew this as a kid What was stopping him from doing it again? No positive male role models just stories of unfaithful men It was my biggest fear to one day forget my dad’s scent To forget his voice and his face To forget all the stories he would tell me at night as I used his arm as a pillow Old spice at night gave me comfort as I hugged him tight Hoping I’d wake up if he tried to take off in the middle of the night Would I one day be someone you can’t depend on? Would I too hurt those people that loved me most? No

I refused to be like them While I didn’t have any examples of good men in my life I had strong women that I looked up to And I had plenty of examples of what not to be And I also had a fear for love and building emotional connections with people I can’t tell you how many friends I made that became brothers to me But I moved so much and it always hurt having to start over So many therapist I saw as a kid that manipulated me into trusting them But then just like everyone else disappeared from my life And I won’t lie, it hurt every time I’d opened myself up to people but they all just became people I knew So around a certain age I gave up I became a loner and my heart became isolated That is until I decided it was no way to live And she happened to come around this time And I didn’t want to let go Because it hurts I remember the pain from my childhood So I didn’t want to let go of our love because she had become such a big part of my life I wanted this relationship to last forever Even if it just became a friendship But it’s over now and it’s exactly what I feared Hope she ends up being happy and I’m glad she realized it wasn’t gonna work because I would’ve tried to overcome any obstacle I even overlooked things I didn’t like about her But I do miss my friend, and hope she’s doing fine And I don’t know what’s in store for me in life But this experience taught me something I’ll carry till I die I shouldn’t settle for something just because I can’t find what I’m looking for I tried to make her into the girl living in my dreams But they were completely different people

[apollodemon]

Keep Darkness Running Through Me

Fiction addiction? Naw I'm addicted to depression Like an Edgar Allan Poe loving adolescent And this computer is my burnt spoon IV in my bloodstream putting me in a dark mood Fall in love with this heroine Just Like a feminist Dream of floating forever Maybe I will after I OD There is no saving me

[apollodemon]

Reflection

I get an urge to kill a fucking blood lust Time stands still as I get a blood rush

[apollodemon]

Chasing a Feeling & Death

I just want to remember what its like to feel While I discover what its like to be dead I distorted my perception of what's real When I rearranged the furniture in my head

[apollodemon]

Change of Identity Prescription

Maybe the worlds not broken Maybe I'm just a broken man Doctor Doctor Doctor please Fix me if you can

[apollodemon]

Where To Next

Heart fills with desire desire to be gone Been driving on this road For god knows how long may be reaching my mental limits Everything's falling to pieces

[apollodemon]

Lying to Avoid Dimming the Light in Their Eyes

This world can be so ugly Don't know why you trust me But you put your faith in me Make believe that we'll be happy So I say these things Things that make you smile Even if I don't believe them, if you do, then it's worth the while So I cling on to your optimism Which feeds off my lies If you only knew that I was dying on the inside Then you'd stay away It's best that you stay away Keep so far away Distance yourself from those that are insane

[stevenluce]

2016 Space Odyssey

Out the sewers Through the trees Fireworks above Without words Without words

2016 internet fantasies By your side singing sweet lullabies Vomiting mega-pixels all over your new pre-owned certified vehicle Throwing pizza parties in your honor Who art thou in heaven Forever and ever Amen

2016 failed poets Sulking through the streets while you lay fast asleep Drawing abstract self portraits Rationalizing whatever they have to Soft dandelion dream Sweet unconscious scream

2016 bridges to burn Colors to cry Cats to catch Flowers to destroy

2016 slim-fit-pant-pageant Kings And Queens Buy some face wash Buy some face lotion Buy some cover up Buy some deodorant Don’t forget hair-product And for Christ sake stand up straight

2016 cigarettes to paradise My voice charred My throat sore My lungs exhausted My hands covered with imaginary ash Whatever Here goes nothing

2016 space odyssey The stars are tired of having to spell everything out The clouds are tired of having to remember to water your plants The people are painting in caves The people are pissing in spaceships

And it all seemed so important at the time

[apollodemon]

Random Thought

Apollo Demon That's a resurrection I've died Didn't go to heaven Searching for God Never learn my lesson You better pray For divine intervention

[apollodemon]

Sympathy For Sensui

Tragedy befolds it's wings around me Tells me its my destiny Buries me deep within As it shows me all the sin Flashbacks to chapter black Flashbacks to chapter black All just a click away Click it & you'll go insane Click it & you'll see the truth Click it & go warn the youth But they'll all belittle you Even if what you say is true So click & shut your mouth Click it & then head south Click it & close your eyes Click it & then deny Click it & say you never saw it But you'll never stop the Flashbacks to chapter black Flashbacks to chapter black

[wordsnquotes]

So tell me, where do you run to when every monster you meet is a reflection of the darkness inside of you.

Nikita Gill (via wordsnquotes) Thank you @wordsnquotes! You guys are wonderful! <3 (via untamedunwanted)

[apollodemon]

Chances are you're going to find something you weren't expecting.