Guidelines for Burroughskowski-Hemingway Monthly: A Hypermasculine Lit Mag
The following was performed and recorded live at Hopleaf by Cassandra, a comedy collective that seamlessly weaves outrageous characters, storytelling, live lit, and music into one hilarious live show.
DUDE 1: Hey there my man. If you’ve wandered on over to this little web portal, you must be interested in submitting a dark, rugged piece of prose to our humble little magazine, Burroughskowski-Hemingway Monthly.
DUDE 2: But before you start banging on that typerwriter you keep in your grandma’s kitchen, you oughta know a few things.
DUDE 3: We have some very specific guidelines for dudes and broads who want to submit their shit to our magazine
DUDE 2: Yeah. And before you submit, you better make sure you know how we like to party around here.
DUDE 1: We’re not your typical namby-pamby pussy-wussy realist lit mag.
DUDE 2: This ain’t no Ploughshares or McSweeny’s dude.
DUDE 1: We are a PULP FUSION ALT WORD ZINE.
DUDE 3: We don’t believe in labels, genres, adjectives, clauses, human motivations, or cause and effect relationships.
DUDE 2: We want your ass to dazzle us. Tear our fucking nuts off with your narrative-shattering grimy slimy gritty roadkill trash garbage sewage art.
DUDE 1: We don’t like Victorian lady tea and crumpets stories, okay.
DUDE 3: we’re POST POSTMODERN OKAY WE’RE EDGY
DUDE 2: …also if you can work in some noirish elements and have the main character bang a hooker that dies before the story is out, that would be cool too.
DUDE 3: NO WORD LIMITS JUST WRITE FOREVER DON’T EAT AND DEFINITELY DON’T SHOWER. NO COMIC SANS. NO GRAMMAR.
DUDE 1: Narrative arcs and multi-dimensional characters are for nerd-ass squares, okay, make all your characters fucking talking bricks with bad attitudes, alright.
DUDE 2: No growing no learning no feelings.
DUDE 1: Also, We’re a non-paying market, the fuck you expect.
DUDE 3: YOUR PAYMENT IS EXPOSURE. WE WILL EXPOSE THIS AWFUL EARTH TO YOUR DAMN DIRTY PROSE. ALSO WE WILL EXPOSE OURSELVES TO YOU AND/OR YOUR GIRLFRIEND
DUDE 2: Also, don’t write anything that will make us feel guilty about being MEN’S MEN, okay? Don’t talk about gross things like feelings or periods or historical contexts of oppression that have led to a general over-valuing of writing that is perceived to be individualistic and aggressive in an anti-social, hyper-masculinized way…
DUDE 3: OUR WRITERS ARE MEN. AND BROADS WHO LIKE FUCKING MEN. WITH BALLS. OKAY!
DUDE 1: We accept all types of work and writers as long as it’s just FILTHY with grit.
DUDE 3: HERE’S A PROCESS TIP! WRITE AT THE BAR WHILE GIVING OFF AN AIR OF BROODING MYSTERY AND NINE DOLLAR GROCERY STORE WHISKEY THAT IS NOT AT ALL DISCONCERTING TO BE SITTING NEXT TO!
DUDE 1: Things we like in a story:
DUDE 3: BITCHES WITH LEGS. BROWN BOOZE. CIGARETTES. CIGARETTE SMOKE. GUN SMOKE. GUNS. MURDER. INTRIGUE. BULL RIDING. MEN FIGHTING AS THEIR ONLY WAY OF SHOWING HUMAN AFFECTION. NOT USING QUOTATION MARKS FOR DIALOGUE
DUDE 1: Things we fucking hate include:
DUDE 2: Women talking to other women about something other than a man, black characters that don’t use some weird affectation of jive talk, people that don’t wear fedoras, blind characters who aren’t magical and wise, lesbian characters that don’t become straight when they meet our rugged, square jawed protagonist
DUDE 3: AND TINY DOGS THAT DON’T MOTHERFUCKING HUNT
DUDE 2: DON’T WRITE ABOUT THAT SHIT
DUDE 3: Don’t you dare write about that shit.
DUDE 1: Send us your werewolf police detective screenplays. Send us your cowboy that fucks three-pussied aliens stories. Send us your haikus about chasing beaver in Logan Square.
DUDE 3: SEND US YOUR SHIT.
DUDE 1: If you think your work meets these guidelines, just scrawl it on the back of a postcard with a buffalo on the front of it and drop it into the postbox
DUDE 2: We use a PO box because we don’t want THE MAN to track us down, MAN
DUDE 1: Also our moms got tired of piles and piles of short stories about wrestling zombie Teddy Rosevelt ending up on our doorsteps and shit.
DUDE 1: Anyway, thanks for checkin out this dank dark corner of the web, man and or lady person. And thanks for reading Burroughskowski-Hemingway Monthly. Party on…
DUDE 3: Party the FUCK on!