Today was neat. (Not today, drafted this post 6-9 months ago, but I wasn’t actually ready to post it.)
*Saw my doc for blood draws and ‘script refills
*Achieved the “goal” weight I’ve been fighting with myself for…30+ years. The first thoughts I still have when I see myself are those asshole bullies from elementary and high school. Oh, and family.
*Fuck them!!!!! I’ve lived a life I’m proud of and have achieved so much more than an arbitrary number on a scale I thought would shut them up. I hope they burn.
*This is all due to finally, as I pushed up to 50 years old and was screened for, and kindly placed on the spectrum, with an extra heaping serving of ADHD, which eventually led to medication. 🙌🏻🙌🏻
*Any antiv@xxers come in here to be assholes will be muted and reported. This isn’t your story. 😘
*And I learned that when the chaos monkeys in my brain get to take a nap, I suddenly stopped binge eating. I stopped habitually cleaning my plate at meal times, and started taking smaller, more appropriate serving sizes.
*And with the help of my therapist I’ve been learning to talk with the ghost of my younger self. He was…is…so scared. He had to meet the needs of abusive, neglecting, narcissistic parents instead of being a kid. He performed for everyone and couldn’t care for himself out of fear. He escaped to a Bad Place because he thought it was better than where he was. The only solace to be found was in sweet treats, and occasionally dabbling in other potentially addictive behaviors. Thankfully, he found a few friends, and they held him. He found his ‘lilac, pine tree, moonbeam, loose tomato, and hollyhock*.’ And through them, he saw beyond that place, their light shown through the cracks and they guided him to a better place.
*So I say to him. And to those of you who are hurting…whether you know or not…hang in there, find the people who reflect back what you need…want…to see, and hold on to them. The true ones will be there when you ask for help.
*I’ve been on this journey for about 5 years and don’t see the end. The damage is deep and my younger self only shares things with me when he feels safe. The pain is still there. The journey is ongoing. Good days. Bad days. And there are horrible days when the ghosts of that Bad Place show up looking like colleagues, guys we meet at the bar, politicians, and strangers on the street…and we run! But we’re both learning, we are safe, and are feeling like we can help ourselves more and more. We can stand up for ourselves because of the joyful band of misfits who are holding us up, and urging us forward.
If you don’t know, and want to know, about “lilac, pine tree, moonbeam, loose tomato, and hollyhock,” please read “The Fagg*ts and Their Friends Between Revolutions” by Larry Mitchell and illustrated by Ned Asta.
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