recovery musings under the cut
im less triggered into a completely dissociative state nowadays (yay for integration work) but i do still find myself feeling Off after a particularly emotional trigger (my nervous system dumping chemicals into my brain and then crashing probably!) which im still not used to because. i was just letting the other guy drive while shoveling all the bad stuff into the closet and shutting the door and now its like. okay yeah i get to like. actually feel stuff now and then process it and then feel the crash and im being a little harsh on myself about how im able to handle it or not and the most helpful thing outside of treating myself like a scared animal (providing myself physical grounding, warmth, comfort, clean, safe, food, water, rest) has been like, whenever i catch myself thinking REALLY judgemental thoughts and i cant meditate about it yet, ive been going, okay, i hear you, i hear that judgement, yeah. wow. 'look at what theyve done to us. ' and that shift has just been so so helpful as an intermediary step to like. accept the reality of the situation and not cast the judgement as invalid or somehow inaccurate of reality but to acknowledge where we're not measuring up to some standard and then just slightly shift the blame to the responsible parties. and allows the breathing room to then follow up with. 'how do we get [target] from here'
ill probably combust this post later but yeah. recovery and improvement is our responsibility but we're done taking all the blame for being injured
