I am not the same person that I was 68 days ago when I walked out of work thinking it was just a temporary layoff. A few weeks of being at home for health and safety or whatever high risk crap. I’ve been to the grocery store about four(?) times and I’ve seen no one other than my parents and grandparents, mainly to drop off groceries, pick them up, or take care of things at their homes when Grandma had her back surgery or my stepdad had cancer surgery. Neither of them have recovered by the way, something went off with Grandma’s and she is going in for an MRI tomorrow and Mark has gone into the ER a few times now with chest pain, last night being the most recent, and he is home now with a secound round of all new meds for pneumonia.
Along with their surgeries and hospital visits after we have had two birthdays and three holidays, springbreak, I’ve done schooling with the girls for the rest of the school year which is over in just a few days, and if this doesn’t end on June 12th like it is due to we will run into Father’s Day and at least another birthday.
I am not an extroverted person. This has not touched me in the sense that I am not out there in all the places, with all the people, all the time. This has effected me more in the sense that I am an introvert that suffers from both generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. It had been a hard won few years of progress to get to the point where I had a few steady friends at work that I would hang out with, some of which I talk to on a daily basis outside of work, and I would even go out with the office for drinks and dinner a few times a year. Just this ‘short’ time into all of this Covid quarantine/Stay Home Stay Safe crap I have come to the point where I can go days without hearing from anyone other than my mother, (kids of course but I see them most days because I pick them up when he works on his week, thank the Lord!)
I can text or message someone and they’ll read and not respond, at all, for weeks. These people that I was talking to daily and hanging out with weekly outside of work. So I quit. I’ve watched them all sorta fall away like people do, unless they need something, of course. This has by far been a set of the some of the longest and loneliest days of my life. I have sat in my apartment for days at first just trying to figure out why I am so rejectable. Why it is so easy to to just walk away. Then I started to look at all of the bits of my life where I have spent it alone...like all of it, and wonder is this what I want for myself? Of course it is not. So I needed to drag my ass out of this somehow. By the way, social media for what it brings to the world is really a shit thing. It enables us to dwell on all things we have lost and are missing out on. All the things should be, could be, and are not and never will be. It shows us all the memories we’ve posted over the years, the victories and beautiful pictures of nature and poetry, loved ones, and hilarity, but also the loved ones that walked away or passed, the poetry that now leaves a sour taste, the victory that quickly turned to ash in our mouths because of consequences.
I spent so much time thinking and thinking and overthinking. One night right before dark I was ready to cry. Again. I couldn’t do it. I slipped on my shoes and went for a walk. A quarter mile into the walk I started looking over my shoulder because I started worrying about being followed. “What if someone is coming up behind me? What if they grab me? What if someone grabs me from behind and I’mnotstrongenoughtofightback?” You know, the logical though process for someone that has been followed through a grocery store, to a parking lot, to a car, survived sexual assault, or any and all of the above. The logical part of my brain started to talk anxiety brain down and although I was still walking much faster than the relaxing walk I initially went out for I was able to come down a bit and finish the two mile-ish walk and it felt good. But no one should have to feel like that in their home. Especially not their tiny little hometown of like, I don’t know two-thousand or something. It is small. People smile and wave. You can stop and smell their flowers and pet their dogs. (Bear with me, I’m tying this all back in at somepoint, just let me ramble.)
The walk. It really upset me. I came home and cried. Like I said, or maybe I didn’t say but I meant to, this has been incredibly hard for me, mentally and emotionally. I really have been so alone, and not since just this, I mean yes this, so much this, but when I lost my last relationship I really went though that alone because it hurt so deeply. I don’t know how I could have expressed that. Anyway, I was saying, haven’t been so alone....this walk, I came in and found some study on healing from sexual assault. Healing yourself, your soul. Your wellbeing. Something that I always kinda thought I did. Or I did pretty okay with, except obviously not. Between that walk, and I’ve noticed that I go on a date - let’s be real here, I don’t really date anymore because as much as I would love to have that companionship, I’m cursed. - I find that I always end up with a migraine because I get sooooo tense because it is some dude that I just don’t know and that is some scary stuff. Also there are times when I can’t bring myself to go to the grocery, not the tiny one in the neighboring town but the actual half hour away-I mean business-grocery store, because I have to go alone, and maybe I get followed again and have to turn and confront some jack ass and threaten to bash his skull in with a can because the first confrontation wasn’t enough. SO...this study, I looked at at and thought “Eh, it’s on a Christian site and yes, I was raised in the church, but all the Christian people that I knew that had anything to say to me after the rape happened, it was all something like “God works in mysterious ways.” or “Maybe it is a blessing in disguise.”” But I looked into it anyway, and it’s good, the writer that set it up and leads it is a survivor as well and she is also a social worker and instructor and a college in Oklahoma, I think?
How good is it to hear someone speak your own language though? I don’t dismiss the psychologist I went to at all because he was wonderful, but to sit down and “speak” with someone that has gone through it is a whole different thing. The questions she poses and the prompts in the booklet are good. It isn’t super deep or anything but it helps some. And the walk, like I said I finished it. It was so hard. A stupid walk, I was so irritated and upset. And I was proud of myself for finishing it. This was three weeks ago tomorrow. Since then I have worked out 5 days a week, either walking two to five miles or I’ve started running again and I’m so not up to that distance yet but I’ll get there. I’ve also added bicycling to the mix to avoid injury and some strength training. I still get a little weirded out on my outings sometimes. It isn’t all days anymore, just the bad days, and I know when those days are and I know that those are the days that it is the most important to get out and then come home for a little bit of self care like a cup of tea and some video games or crafting or whatever. But I cannot let that take over my life.
This quaratine crap has been one of the hardest times for my mental health. I’m sure that soon enough it will be over and I’ll be back to work and I am dreading that in a way that I never thought I would. Along with having to slow down and learn many hard truths about myself that I was avoiding and learning that some people are not as friendish and I once thought, I’ll now I have to figure out how I fit back into this world that I’ve not been a part of for over two months. In the big scheme of things that really isn’t a long time, but for someone that doesn’t really get social cues or know how to talk to people, but watches them and mimics to get by, it is a real and uncomfortable thing. I am not the same and how do I insert myself back into that world?
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