ArcadeGannonInHouseMD

In the words of Socrates, "Go fornicate yourself."

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Arcade: Do you even realise that this unnecessary test has an 80% chance of KILLING OUR PATIENT?

House: And you have a hundred per cent chance of harshing my vibe

Arcade: [moving between House and the sleeping patient] She’s gonna be in excruciating pain if she ever wakes up!

House: [picking up the needle] Well, at least there’s a 4/5ths chance of her not being in pain.

Arcade: Great! You're either unimaginably cruel or profoundly insane!

House: MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Arcade: I won’t let you do this.

House: Bouncer! [to Cameron] Got a difficult customer here I need you to throw onto the street.

Cameron: [Battling conflicting feeling until] No! Arcade’s right, you’ve lost your mind. Cuddy will fire you! Talk to her first!

House: You’re telling me not to do this because you’re caring and compassionate, Cuddy will tell me not to do this because she’s a moron. Throw the math workings out in the trash because the answer’s the same, you both would let this woman DIE.

(Cameron moves next to Gannon as if forming a defensive testudo around the patient)

House: Goody four-shoes to the rescue. Look at you two, brimming with hopes and dreams, moral compasses… reminds me of when I was… well, ok it doesn’t remind me of-

Wilson: (Opening the door) Fußball at lun?-

House: GET OUT. NO DON-

Wilson: (Joins the testudo) *sigh* I don’t know what’s going on here but I know which side of the conflict I’m on.

House: It’s just the same obnoxious judgemental brain three times, one in the body of someone I want to have sex with and the two others… in the bodies of people I want to have sex with. Where’s Amber when I need someone I don’t want to have sex with and has the brain of a velociraptor?

Wilson: Who the hell is Amber?

House: What? What do you mean ‘who’s Amber?’

Wilson: I have never met an Amber!

Arcadegannoninhousemd tumblr account: Oh, is this taking place in one of the first few seasons? I’ve lost track to be honest.

Coworker: I think you’re overthinking this internet shitpost.

Dad: Shouldn’t you think about moving out sometime soon?

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Arcade: I don’t get it, (flicking through the patient file) alcoholic woman is chronically tired and nauseous, develops pain in torso. ‘Quick get this case to DxM! We’ll need our best minds on this one!’

Chase: Correction, (flicking the file back to the first page) alcoholic smokeshow is chronically tired and nauseous, develops pain in torso.

Cameron: I don’t buy it, we’re missing something here, House wouldn’t seriously waste his team’s time like this just because he wants his limp straightened out by some.. cowgirl.

Foreman: He hired you.

[Chase bursts out laughing but quickly catches into a cough, Cameron’s ensuing glare is pitched solely at him. Her expression is supposed to hide her genuine offence and wounded trust. It betrays both.]

Arcade: Porci. Well, if we’re done here, I’m gonna bounce this back to the clinic, we’re not needed here. Hmph, maybe I’m not needed here at all. Things were bad at the Fort but we actually had jobs to do most of the time. I should check in with Dr Ortal sometime.

Chase: Ortal… That the name of your old boss? Chick with the mohawk? You still have her number?

Arcade: No, no and yes but you’re not having it.

[Cameron slumps into her chair as House swings the door open]

House: 🎵 ‘There’s a Yellow Rose of Texas,

I’m goin’ there to see

No other feller knows her-‘🎵

Arcade: The patient is New Californian.

House: (sighs)

‘🎵 There’s a Yellow Rose of New California..🎵’

See Arcade? Doesn’t fit the meter, this is exactly why you’re not in the running for my new bluegrass band’s auditions.

Still coming up with a name for it by the way, I’m thinking something along the lines of ‘Kentucky Greg and the doctors who failed to notice that Cass has a congenital heart condition’

Chase: Ah, hell. (flipping back through the case file)

House: Imagine the Hoover Dam with a congenital condition, water comes in from the lake, passes through the turbines. But some sloppy builder manages to leave a small hole near the bottom of it. Every day a little bit of Colorado river flows back into the turbine.

Chase: (pointing at file) left-right VS shunt, but minor. She’s coped fine so far, whole life she hasn’t touched any hard chems that could suddenly change that.

House: As the water runs back in over the years it makes the hole larger. A nuclear winter’s worth of acid rain speeds up the process.

Foreman: Like her whisky, causing all manner of CVD.

House: Eventually the whole inside of the dam floods, the water pressure either side of the turbines even out.

Cameron: Suddenly her left-right shunt reverses, the deoxygenated blood skips the lungs.

Arcade: Eisenmenger syndrome. It’s rare but it explains everything. She’ll need a heart transplant, or lungs, or both. Oh god.

Chase: Umm, Arcade just showed an emotion that wasn’t smugness or annoyance. Do you.. know Cass personally?

Arcade: Yes, I do. We were both involved in a… project in the Mojave a few years ago. I know quite a few people who won’t be happy to hear that she’s dying.

House: She’s not dying yet. Cameron and Chase, go test her lungs. Foreman and Gannon, get her a new dam.

[Cameron leaves the room, not waiting for Chase who is scurrying to catch up behind]

Foreman: She’s an alcoholic, she came into the clinic smelling of mezcal. She won’t make the transplant list.

House: So, lie to the committee.

Foreman: Are you out of your mind? Hell no, I’m not throwing away my medical licence for this, you do it.

House: I… can’t. Cuddy AND Wilson are on the committee. They’re being even more…brittle than usual since the last case.

Foreman: We’ll I’m certainly not doing it!

Arcade: I’ll do it.

[The silence in the room is punctuated by House’s risen eyebrow]

Arcade: Cass saved my life once, I’m going to return the favour.

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Arcade: You’re an addict. You need help.

Courier Six: No way dude! I’ve stopped buying Dixon’s crap. New year new me, this body is a temple.

Thirteen: Your tox screen turned up positive for Med-X, Buffout, Mentats, Rad-X, RadAway, Cateye, Venom, Antivenom, Ethanol, Fire Ant Nectar, Atomic Cocktails, Grape Mentats, just grapes, Methanol, Turbo, FEV, Auto-Inject Super-Stimpacks, Cave Fungus, Nuka-Cola Quantum, Sugar Bombs, Strange meat pie, Abraxo, Nightstalker Squeezin’s, and… an unidentified weapon-binding ritual.

Courier Six: See I told you Cadey, I’m off the jet!

Arcade: …

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Raul: Oh sure, thanks boss. When I was in that Yao Guai cave being mauled to death, the whole time I was hoping my handsome salvador would come back to rescue me and put me up in the most expensive hospital in New Jersey, saddling me with a medical bill that I’ll never be able to pay off thanks to my lack of medical insurance.

Courier:

[Intelligence 2/3] What are magical in-shirts?

Raul: Amigo, you have a real way of healing a wound and bleeding me dry at the same time.

Courier: [stealing several feet of surgical tubing and a blood pack] D’ya think the pharmacy will take miniguns as payment?

Raul: Hang on, what blood type are you?

Courier: Elm Street Piru.

Raul: I- huh. Ok….

Just, what does that bag say, AB+? Hey boss you gotta be careful with that stuff, you can only take that if you’re AB+ as well.

Courier: [Elbowing down the contents of his duffle bag to make room] Ah, no don’t worry, this is for ED-E.

Foreman: [Entering the room] Mr Tejada, hi I’m Dr Foreman, this is Dr Taub and,- YOU AGAIN?

Courier: [pause] Do I know you?

Foreman: You broke our MRI machine?

Courier: [staring vacantly]

Forman: You swiped prescription painkillers out of the clinic.

Courier: I don’t remem-

Taub: When security tried to stop you, you pulled out a morphine syringe, injected it and then started shouting, and I quote here;

“Med-X gon’ give it to ya

Fuck waitin’ for Benny to get it on his own,

6 gon’ deliver to ya”

Courier: Oh yeah, that sounds like me.

Raul: trágame, tierra

Foreman: OUT. NOW.

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

(ER Room)

Boone: No

Cameron: Any allergies?

Boone: No

Cameron: Has anyone in your family had anything similar happen to them?

Boone: I don’t have any family

Cameron: Ok, [a pause] You smoke?

Boone: No

Cameron: Drink?

Boone: No

Cameron: Take any chems?

Boone: No

Cameron: *sigh* Ok, I’ll be back shortly, you just wait here.

House: What’s the deal with Louie Spence over there?

Cameron: [Startled] Why are you down here, it’s the afternoon, you still don’t have a case? [She exchanges a curt nod with Arcade stood just behind House]

House: Of course I do, [walking over to grab Boone’s patient charts from the bottom of his bed] 26 year old sniper who lives in a motel and works in a… dinosaur. Got it, Cameron can you page a Dr Eric Foreman for me, he’s a neuro consult on my team. Here, one of the buttons on that should be for him, I’d try the black buttons firs-

Cameron: What do you know about this guy?

House: Well, he’s been working for me for a few years now, and actually, wait, you might know him, because you were also on my team, and then you left me, and Foreman didn’t leave me funnily enough…

Cameron: Smartass. The patient.

House: Oh right, er, I know he’s got rad sickness, he’s scaring all the little children down the hall and you’re practically down on one knee already.

Cameron: I don’t- know what you’re talking about.

House: No. I couldn’t possibly see what someone like you would see in the tall, gruff, chiseled man broken by something mysterious in his past. If he just had a cane, you’d be down on both knees.

Cameron: So this is what’s it’s come to? You’re choosing to come down here instead of taking proper cases based on the opportunity cost of the chance to humiliate me?

House: Actually I was talking to Gannon that whole time but he wouldn’t know because he’s currently DISTRACTED.

Arcade: [Turning away from Boone] Huh, sorry.

Cameron: Well, if you want to get this patient out of ER I’d be more than happy, we’re overcrowded here as it is. He was first recon, that meant mandatory radiation screenings on discharge, he was fine then. He’s been guarding some nowhere trading stop out of a gift shop since, says he’s never been near any serious radiation sources since.

Arcade: If he’s not irradiated, this is a real case. But what would mask as rad poisoning?

Cameron: No, it’s gotta be radiation, we had a similar patient in here a couple weeks ago, a Mr. Vargas. Came in with advanced radiation sickness, needed two and a half bags of Radaway, and we put him on Rad-x for the next couple months. Same background with the military, also worked settlement security out of a gift shop and said he never left town, sounds like the same place, but Craig didn’t say anything about him.

Arcade: If they’re both telling the truth and haven’t left this place, then it’s probably a workplace hazard, could be a public health emergency.

House: You think the gift shop’s selling plutonium dinosaurs?

Arcade: I-uh

House: Well, I guess your best bet is to find out where this guy works and sweep the place. Bring me back a triceratops if they have any!

Cameron: Can I go now?

House: … That was fun!

Cameron: I’m not coming back.

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Benny: What in the goddamn?

House: You have late onset Nephropathic Cystinosis

Benny: I...

House: Your body isn’t storing its cystine correctly, it's damaging your eyes and soon will ring a ding your kidneys to death

Benny: Baby ease of the gas, what exac-

House: *Sighs* While I’m sure the chicks dig your recent increase in girth, you actually have fluid building up in your fingers. You were struggling to properly handle your pistol. That coupled with your arm cramping up when you were lifting your cigarette to your mouth and the fact that you had to urinate three times while your khan mooks dug that plot. Your skin’s itching too? I saw you using hand lotion when I first walked in. That’s the renal damage.

As for your eyes, you were wincing every time you looked at the lantern by the grave, that’s photosensitivity, probably why you scuffed your point blanc shot, and why I’m here now.

Benny: I ain’t sure I’m buying what you’re selling

House: It’s treatable, the clinic in North Vegas should have what you need, I’ll write you a prescription but you’ll need to take pills every day for the rest of your life. Which is actually quite fun once you get used to it.

Or you can be a moron, ignore my advice and die within the year

Oh and it’s genetic, so get your no doubt countless bennylings running around the strip tested. Call this whole thing a 24 karat run of… you get the picture

And lastly,

You suck at being a mob boss. You have all star ambition with minor league smarts. Your plan is going to go flawlessly presuming that plan was to end up on a legion cross.

And thats one ugly suit.

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

(Outside, the neon lights of the Atomic Wrangler flicker. Thirteen slowly fingers the brim of her martini)

Thirteen: My mother died when I was young

Veronica: That’s rough, both my parents were killed when I was a child

Thirteen: I’m so sorry

Veronica: Don’t worry. It was a long time ago [trailing off] …. Say I never got your name

Thirteen: People call me Thirteen

Veronica: Well that’s fittingly vague. I’m Veronica, why do people call you Thirteen?

Thirteen: I don’t take to letting people in too close. I’ve lost people before. I’ll lose them again.

Veronica: I understand. I have to wear this shroud incase the government recognise me as a member of an illegal underground military organisation

Thirteen: I was gonna ask about the, [laughs] I mean i like it. *Mysterious*.

(They both laugh before their eyes meet for a moment. Thirteen has found herself leant forward. Veronica, adjusts her hood back, revealing just a fraction more of her self. But Remy drinks in every new percent she can get her eyes on.)

Veronica: This might be a bit random but, have you ever had a boss that gave you a ton of busy work to stop you asking difficult questions about the organisation’s principles?

Thirteen: Every single day actually, but if you think that’s bad, I’m a doctor that got fired from the same job four times

Veronica: Ha, If you think that’s bad, have you ever had to leave your friends behind, because you knew they were heading for their own destruction, and you couldn’t stay to watch anymore?

Thirteen: If you think that’s bad my mother actually died institutionalized, but I never said goodbye to her because I was angry at her for being sick.

(They realise simultaneously how close they have ended up. Have they both leaned forward, or is one of them leaning over way too eagerly, the other sat normally? No way to tell. Neither one cares anyway)

Veronica: If you think that’s bad I fell in love with this girl Christine that my adopted family wouldn’t let me see because I had a ‘duty to procreate’. Then she left and I never saw her again.

Thirteen: You think that’s bad one of my patients was a girl I had a one night stand with, we bonded because we were both chronically ill and dying, I thought we could be more, but once I treated her, only one of us was dying and so I felt more alone than ever and I never saw her again.

Veronica: My adopted father left and came face to face with Christine years later. He strapped a bomb collar round her neck and made her rob a casino for him which led to her being trapped in an auto doc for two weeks having the same operation performed on her vocal chords over and over again with no anaesthetic.

(Their lips almost-)

Veronica: Wait, you’re dying?

Thirteen: I have Huntington's Chorea, that’s what my mother died of. Brother too. I euthanized him in the end. Went to prison for it.

(There is Sudden silence despite the crowded bar and the patrons hollering to be heard over Guy Mitchell on the jukebox.

Thirteen looks around, as if trying to find something to focus on to stop the room spinning, finger still moving around the brim of the glass, faster now. When she looks back at Veronica, she is still staring back)

Veronica: I’m sorry, I have to go.

Thirteen: What, you’re not gonna kiss me because I’ve got Huntingtons?

Veronica: It’s not that. It’s because that guy in the raider outfit showing off his sex bot to the bartender needs me to help him carry 20 fission batteries all around the desert for no reason.

Courier Six: JUST DON’T PRESS THE RED BUTTON BRO, I DID THAT AND I THINK I GOT TESTICULAR TORTION

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Wilson: You know I can do cancer consults on imaginary patients from my office too? It’s not necessary to drag me down the corridor for this.

House: Oh, this is absolutely necessary.

Wilson: Look, I know you don’t have a patient yet today, because none of your team have files in front of them or are arguing over whe-

(Wilson trails off, mouth hanging open as he notices a figure approaching down the corridor)

(Lily the Nightkin lightly presses on the glass door, almost smashing it against the wall)

Lily: Jimmy! [Lily engulfs Wilson]

Adams: Who is that?

House: A little bit Lily, a little bit Leo, but you can call her Mrs Wilson, Senior, Senior.

Lily: [letting go] My last name is Bowen actually, although it’s harder to remember nowadays.

Park: Wilson’s grandmother is a supermutant?

House: A NIGHTKIN. And I wouldn’t be so judgemental while YOUR grandma is waxing Chase’s surfboard.

Lily: What's the matter, Jimmy? Afraid gramma will embarass you in front of your little friends?

Wilson: House. [gesturing to House’s office]

Lily: [to Wilson as House limps over to his office] Jimmy I’m glad you’ve made such a nice best friend

House: Oh you’re too kind

Lily: [turning to Gannon] Say Sweetie, do I know you from somewhere?

Arcade: Umm I don’t think so. I have a, er, quite generic face.

Wilson: [closing the door] I’m not going to ask you *How* you found her, because, you’re you, I’m going to ask *why* did you bring her here?!

House: I’m going to treat her. Obviously [He opens his Vicodin bottle and swallows several while Wilson responds]

Wilson: She’s an old woman with schizophrenia and dementia. That’s it. What exactly is screwing her around with your usual routine actually going to accomplish? I’m taking her home.

House: Research out of Jacobstown has suggested it may be possible to cure Schizophrenia in Nightkin by modifying stealth boy technology.

Wilson: The stealth boys that caused her schizophrenia in the first place. You want her to keep using them?

House: Absolutely. If by ‘modifying’ I meant ‘not modifying’

Wilson: [Paces briefly] I, I hadn’t seen her since I was a kid. Not since… [trailing off, no desire to relive an early trauma] I was told she was alive a few years ago and what she… was now. We met up a few times and she told me what happened to her, in that- …facility.

House: It’s tragic. Katy Perry never really recovered from getting nickelodeon slimed either.

Wilson: House, she’s vulnerable enough already. If what you’re planning has any chance of making her condition worse, I can’t let that happen. [He looks out of the glass door back at his grandmother]

Lily: [to Park] Leo's very grumpy, pumpkin. He wanted to chop the President!

Park: …

House: [Cut back to the office, where House moves over behind Wilson’s shoulder] She’ll be fine. Jimmy.

Wilson: I’ll let you try as long as you run everything through me first [can tell the futility of the plea as soon as he says it. Then he turns around]. And as long as you agree to never call me Jimmy again. It’s like I’m 5 years old again.

Chase: Lily just went invisible! I think she ran down the corridor!

House: [Complete sincerity] Oh this is gonna be fun

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Cuddy: Sooner you learn you can’t control (rumbling sound) him, you can only (rumble) slow his crazy (rumble) schemes (rumble) so no-one gets (rumble)hu-What the hell is that noise?

Arcade: Sounds like, experience points being gained?

Cuddy: Yeah, but why? Did House just complete a quest? I don’t remem-

Both: [At the exact same time] Boone.

(Camera hard cuts to a dead gecko 2000 miles away)

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

House: Arcade, nice call on the plasma scarring, stay behind while everyone else… [gestures leaving]

(Arcade closes the door behind the exiting team members, but hovers by it, anxious to leave)

House: It was a very nice call, which got me wondering, [approaching Arcade] what type of guy knows so much about REPCONN and pre-war offensive technology, yet whenever he speaks about it, sounds almost guilty rather than fascinated? Get cornered in a bar by most old world blues nerds, you can’t stop them talking about the war effort, the technologies. You don’t usually hear someone regard an X-01 with disgust, unless they’ve seen one used themselves…

Arcade: The followers study all sorts of science and technology so, you kn-

House: Also I hired a private investigator

Arcade: You WHAT?!

Lucas the PI: [lowers and sets aside his newspaper, gets up and crosses the room] Hi, Arcade

Arcade: [distracted briefly, but turning back to House] You had this guy go through my stuff?!

Lucas: God no. Didn’t need to, your friend Cass is quite the chatty barfly.

Arcade: Alright, so what if was born in the Enclave. I LEFT DIDN’T I? What are you gonna do Brutus? Turn me in? Because right now I’m failing to see what good that would do anybody.

House: I’m not going to turn you in. But I want something from you.

Arcade: I don’t have any secret bunker heirlooms from my genocidal grandparents if that’s where this is going.

House: I want you to be truthful.

Arcade: …?

House: You’re good. I want you on my team. But only if I get the real Gannon. Well, semi-real. Too much truth you get Masters, no truth you get Kutner. One of them left and the other’s dead. I need you to not end up like that.

Arcade: ... I… think I get what you mean. Thanks House.

House: *groan* Oh brother. See I can lie just like you’re doing.

Arcade: …But I told you the truth?

House: No you didn’t.

Lucas: Ok, so like, I did actually go through your stuff.

Arcade: Luppiter te perdat!

House: For my silence, I demand your father’s power armor.

Lucas: And I’m getting your Plasma Defender!

House: [To Lucas] Yeah yeah, just stay away from Cuddy. [To Arcade] Trust me, this is for the best.

Arcade: Hmmmph, fine. Whatever.

(House puts on the tesla helmet)

House: [Muffled] Everybody lies.

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Arcade: Patient had no outward signs of mental instability and she didn’t seem the sort to be a hoarder, though, I’m not sure *what* all this is.

Cameron: Looks like some sort of re-enactment, or a ritual of soda bottles? Ugh. House will love this. He’ll use this as proof of his theory that it’s all just neurological with this woman.

A booming voice from behind a cinder block wall: Hmm? What was that? The molerat men! They've come for my beard at last!

Cameron: (panicked whispers) Uh, ‘Cade? I think we might have the wrong house.

(A bedraggled figure emerges from the darkness)

No-Bark Noonan: What? How'd you get past No-Bark’s guards? Unless… You’re commie ghosts aint ya?!

Arcade: [clears throat] ummm, apologies sir, we appear to have the wrong house. We were just on ou-

No-Bark Noonan: [Suddenly polite] You’re going without stopping for a hand of caravan?

Arcade: Come on Cameron, let’s go.

Cameron: Wait. What’s ‘caravan’? How do you play that?

Arcade: Cameron, literally nobody fucking knows.

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Robert House: …

Gregory House: …

Robert House: …

Gregory House: I hate you

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

(Taub takes the blood sample from Arcade)

Taub: This is useless, we’re gonna be here all night!

Arcade: I actually do sympathise with you, for me this obviously beats my old job getting shot at by junkies and robots, but for you? This must be torture compared to nip & tucking supermodels.

Taub: Ah I forgot I was paired with the wasteland samaritan.

House: How’s my little angst-ridden, self-hating ray of sunshine?

(Both look up at the door)

House: At ease Taub, I was talking to the follower of the Apocalypse, not the follower of Moses.

Taub: I told you, I’m not-

House: Walk with me Gannon, I need you to help me prank Wilson

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Foreman: [clicking off the MRI room intercom] That’s generally how it goes, he’ll make us run around doing all these tests before basing his diagnosis on a tree he saw or what he had for lunch. And the worst part is; he’s usually right.

Arcade: Working for a person who charges recklessly into every situation before pulling solutions out of their ass at the last minute? Well, Ibi fui, illud fe-

Courier Six (through the intercom): Ayo, my pip-boy’s vibrating like crazy!

Foreman: [click] We told you to take that thing off

Courier Six: Hahaha woah, this is trippy, I think it just dupe glitched my Shishkebab!

Arcade: Stop the machine.

Courier Six: help, I can’t feel my hand

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Caesar: So I finally get to meet the courier who's accomplished so much in so little time. That is why I summoned you here, right?

I mean, a man nearly kills you, and your response is to track him across the breadth of the Mojave? You arrive on the Strip and waltz into the Lucky 38 like someone left you a key under the doormat?Then you visit the Tops and next thing you know, the head of the Chairmen is fleeing the Strip like a whimpering little pup?

When you set your mind to something, you get results. I like that.

House MD: …

So, how long have you had brain cancer?

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Cuddy: Are you being INTENTIONALLY DENSE?!

House: [Intelligence 2/4] Huh??

[arcadegannoninhousemd]

Chase: Once we get close to Dibala, we can strike.

Arcade: Et tu, mi amice? I have to commend you on your sense of historical propriety, but have you given more than a passing thought to how we would escape?

Chase: …We pin it on Cameron, that’ll give us enough time to slip away. We can run away together, we’ll never look back, we’ll-

[Arcade intercepts the words leaving Chase’s lips with his own lips. As they kiss, Arcade begins to push Chase up against the wall]

Dibala: Jesus christ, [picking up a scalpel] I’ll do it myself.