arcane's life

i don't want to be found

[arcanesdiary]

when I was thirteen my dad gifted me speakers,,

i didn't know what it meant back then but it was start of my biggest passion. You might think you can't do much with a speaker. But music was tattooed on me unknowingly that day. I have never looked back ever since.

headphones are great but a LOUD speaker is something else entirely. you hear every single beat within the walls of your soul. entire world opens up in front of you & it's been 9+ years now. Rave culture has become popular now but I'm glad I've been part of it alone, in the corner of my room, on the other side of the world ever since I got the speaker.

my parents would or maybe wouldn't be bothered by my loud music but they never ever asked me to turn it down.

loud music might bother some but, it's my form of living. Loud, passionate & never missing a beat of emotion.

[arcanesdiary]

...its been forever. and this feels so bittersweet.

A lot has been happening (I feel like I am forgetting myself)

How does one ever forget themselves?

I am struggling so much (I just miss my real friends)

Does the feeling of missing your loved ones ever go away?

I want to run away (I want to be home with my parents)

Didn't you wanna run away from your house at 13? (but I'm 21 now, I was so young)

Has the world treated you better than your parents?

nobody can ever love me more than the people in my hometown when I was 12 and the world felt like it was breaking apart.

I am fine. (it's like I'm 13 all over again)

[arcanesdiary]

"-she's an adventurer at heart"

But why do they not tell us that the wanderer also misses their home almost all the time? Yes, she loves the tingle of new dawns but what about the silent searching of someplace familiar to just exist at? Why is it that they only listen to the talk of heart and not of the soul? How fast do those echoes die?

And how do we find a new home when the comfort of home is left in the past, far far behind.

So, from now on I'll write, "Yes, she is an adventurer at heart, a wanderer constantly searching for the some familiar solace "

wish I never left home... and now its not the same anymore

How privileged I am to be able to experience all the things I always dreamed as a kid. But how privileged was I to exist in that loving home, full of people, memories and happiness.

[arcanesdiary]

We keep forgetting that movies are inspired by life stories and not vice versa. ax

[arcanesdiary]

Second summer

Returning again for summer break, it is emptier. Maybe because it was fuller somewhere else. But why is it that when you are in it, it is always emptier than when you are away and think about it?

Why are feelings so paradoxically empty yet so full?

I miss how it used to be before I left. Yes, there were more wraths and breakdowns but now there is silence. I am not sure which is worse. I am not sure how to compare.

I don't have friends anymore... I am only 20. Not sure I ever had friends honestly. My high school friends have found college friends. Where are my college friends? Scattered somewhere where we might never meet. Sometimes I think it is my fault. But i thought I made good friends... I came back this time and never met anyone. Why is it that everyone has gotten sadder? (Including myself)

Is this what it is to be 20? Not for other people but why me? Is this my fate? Was it always written in my fate to be this lonely constantly. I am not even sure what I am looking for anymore. I am not searching for love. Maybe love of friendship. But where will I find that? Will I ever find a good friendship worthy of me? I am scared. What if I never have a best friend. I am too broken to look for one. I have to stop thinking friends you make stay forever.

I think my ancestral fate might've been passed onto me.

[arcanesdiary]

Sometimes cluttering is love.

I am so sick of everyone constantly wanting a minimalistic home where you should throw out all that is of "no use".

What about the fact that I loved it once. Those things that are of no use anymore used to be my whole universe. It still is, in another universe. Is this the world we live in? Throwing away after it's "useless". No wonder so many hearts stay broken forever. It's because you don't know how to love.

Start with the clutter in your house. Love it again. Remove those handwritten notebook of yours when you were in third grade. See the mistakes, marks and watch yourself still love it all. Those forgotten games on the top of your cupboard, the barbie house, the collection of pencil boxes. They aren't just your past, they are your present and future. Because loving your past existence is still loving yourself today.

my parents never threw it away; they must love me quiet a bit :)

[arcanesdiary]

From the pages of the people I will never know.

I was sitting in cafeteria today, said hi to people and left. I don’t feel the urge to talk to anyone anymore. I like my loneliness until the the memories creep in and I try holding back my tears. In my head, I am alone and on this table, I am lonely. Until I hear the grand piano playing in mist of this sadness. I didn’t feel alone or sad. I felt like I belong to the musical notes, not human conversations. All of a sudden I wanted to thank this stranger because I have promised myself to be kinder. I immediately tore a blank paper out. “thank you for making me feel less lonely. The quietest and the loneliest one always listen to the music that’s being played. I hope you are well and have a nice day.” i thought to myself. Before I could imprint my words, I heard a loud roar of appreciation and I realized the stranger already got admirers. And just like that all I did was stare at the blank torn page and the pen inside my bag never met my finger warmth. And just like that, I failed to be kind today. To everyone and myself.

-arcanesdiary

[arcanesdiary]

I have this thing that I do, I don't like to sit in the same places I have made good memories in. For example, I don't like to sit on the same table in el fornayo where I was laughing and making jokes to the people passing by or the "usual" table I would meet my friends at or the same route I would take while going back home or the same bus stop I would get off at. There is nothing wrong with these places and the irony is I don't do it because I am broken or it hurts, but because I don't want to change the narrative of those seats or routes. If I start sitting on the same table alone and make it a part of my usual day, it's happiness is lost and it gets laced with that same memory of loneliness.

I like seeing ghosts of myself laughing on those tables. I like seeing myself from far away stuck in a forever loop of happy memory. Sitting on that table or walking down the same street. It's a reminder that what once was is not here anymore, but it once was.

-arcanesdiary

[arcanesdiary]

I think it's interesting how the things a stranger holds can create so much mystery around them. I saw an old man get on the bus today with a basket full of flowers. And I was wondering silently, where is the destination of those flowers? To his beloved pet, his children's birthday, loving wife or to a grave of his loved ones who passed away way before than he could. He has a kind soul.

The other day, I saw a middle-aged man holding an empty coffee cup and a very worn out book. I wanted to ask him, is he so deep into the world he is reading that he has forgotten he is carrying an empty cup? Is his house filled with a library of books? or is he a traveler renting books around the city? It's weird how he gives away that he likes thriller books but nothing else.

What am I supposed to do about these intricate details of the strangers I randomly see but will never get to know.

-arcanesdiary

[arcanesdiary]

For 7 years of my life, I have believed that my parents don’t care about me. But they have always cared, maybe a little too much sometimes. It took me so long to realize that they have failed to loved me gently. and suddenly I became from “the girl who has never known love” to “the girl who has never known soft love”

arcanesdiary

[arcanesdiary]

I feel like two people eating alone on different tables is a lot more comforting than in a room full of two seated tables being the one to sit alone while eating.

“It’s not that I am lonely, I just don’t have my people with me right now or maybe ever.”

arcanesdiary

[arcanesdiary]

But you don't understand love, main characters always find themselves alone and insanely inside their head.

-arcane

[arcanesdiary]

it is a cloudy morning but not too cold. I was sitting alone and eating alone and I noticed this dog was staring at me. I don't know his real name but he looked like a broody. the thing that is similar to me and broody is that we would rather look at people sitting alone. There is just so much that goes on inside the head of a person sitting alone. So much emotion and beauty entangled all together.

arcanesdiary #93023

[arcanesdiary]

When souls die, they are rid of the pain and suffering they say. Do they also get to see the pain they caused other people? I need to know, after they see all the happy moments that filled are inside their head, do they also get to see how lonely they've made other people feel? I wish they could see how I've innocently suffered the wraith of a curse that I never touched.

I hope my parents see it all in the afterlife.

I hope they get gentle love in the next.

[arcanesdiary]

I think missing someone who is little busy is so much better than missing someone you will never talk to. in all aspects, there's an assurance that remains with us. "i know you are busy right now but we'll call at night" is so much better than "I don't know if we'll ever talk again" Like there's an unknown peace which sits in between and says at least even if the world feels against you, your person is beside you.

[arcanesdiary]

why do people not talk about missing the cold much more often?

It's so cold here and I can't stand it but here I am because you are here. That warmth of a feeling that fills your soul because even though I am so cold, you are my warmth. Even though this cold is trying to numb my body, all I can feel is your love. Like when you're cold on a winter beach night and all I can think about is how we're play fighting in the sand. Like when you are cold while sleeping, but I have your body wrapped around me. Like when we both are shivering by the cold, but all that matters is I am watching these beautiful fireworks beside the one I would trade my life for, to the stars.

[arcanesdiary]

Why does nobody talk about how the more number of times you return to your house, the more detached you get from it. It's only been a year since I've come back but I don't belong here anymore and I don't think I will ever belong anywhere else either. Because this was supposed to be my forever home. It was always supposed to feel like home. I feel like I have arrived to my own house in a different universe. Like it is my house because of the physicality of it but I don't think I grew up in this home.