one of those “what would the guys of black butler do for a date” posts, but it’s realistically horrible cause they’re all awful people
i’m excluding all characters who under 18 for obvious reasons
sebastian: takes you on a nice normal date and you end up going back to his place and hooking up. it’s great and you feel like you have a real connection, but when you’re done he asks you what you’re still doing there. he doesn’t even call you a cab.
undertaker: chloroforms you and takes you back to the morgue to run various experiments on you and probably turn you into a zombie.
william t. speares: takes you to a lecture about the stock market and then forgets about you and leaves while you’re in the bathroom. your coat was in his car and you have to stand outside in the freezing rain while you wait for a taxi because he won’t answer your calls.
ronald knox: takes you back to his apartment where he spends five hours shotgunning bud lights and playing call of duty then asks if you want to go to his buddy’s party which ends up just being five 24 year old guys drinking ipas and quoting the office at each other. they start watching rick and morty. you’re trapped in your own personal hell. a week later he hooks up with your friend.
edgar redmond: takes you to a super fancy restaurant where every portion is tiny and overpriced and the food isn’t even good. he flirts with the waitress. you’ve never been more uncomfortable in your entire life.
lawrence bluewer: this would never happen because he’s an incel who’s afraid of women, but if it did: takes you to a library and calls every book you pick up trash. when you tell him he’s being a jerk he calls you intellectually inferior. afterwards he texts you an angry rant about how you’re a 4 without makeup and clearly only want to date assholes. you post it on twitter and it goes viral so at least you got some internet clout out of it.
herman greenhill: suggests that you go on a hike which you think sounds fun, but when you get there you find out it’s brutal 12 mile trek that’s somehow uphill both ways. you almost die of dehydration and have to spend the night in the hospital.
gregory violet: takes you to a creepy old graveyard and asks if he can draw you, but when you ask to see the picture it’s incredibly macabre and you have to pretend not to be freaked out. he tells you he sees dead people. when you get home you find out that he blocked you on everything and to this day you still don’t know why, but it’s a good story.
charles grey: shows up in a mcLaren gt wearing ysl head to toe, but takes you to applebee’s and makes you split the bill 50/50 even though he ordered way more than you. after that you go to a bar and he spends half the time doing coke in the bathroom then starts a fight that gets both of you 86ed.
charles phipps: comes over to your place, but as soon as he sees your room he pulls out a copy of the life-changing magic of tidying up and starts pointing out things that you should get rid of and telling you about how minimalism is the only way to live a truly fulfilling life. his chicken pecks your hand unprovoked and he gets mad at you because your disorganized energy upset it.
snake: you spend the entire date trying to figure out which of his snakes you’re on a date with. you try to ask him and he starts crying. it’s not terrible, but you leave very confused.
bard: takes you to a field to shoot off illegal fireworks. you accidentally start a forest fire and get arrested, but he takes the fall for you which was actually pretty sweet.
lau: spends seven hours smoking weed and watching shows in chinese without subtitles which would be fine if you spoke chinese, but you don’t and then he asks if you’re into threesomes. when you get home you look him up and the first result is his mugshot.
vaporwave
amandla
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
blakekathryn
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
