you are made of ocean

You are boundless. Your waves crash the shore as if to say, "Tell me not to go any farther. I dare you." ZOSIA SOLOMON 29. Painter. Activist. Reader. Writer. "As for me, I am a watercolor. I wash off."

[archivezosia]

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[archivezosia]

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[archivezosia]

March 11th, 2018 Dearest Annika,

I hope this letter finds you well. Do tell me, everything, how have you been?

Forgive the delay in this correspondence, I haven’t been still much lately. It’s been too tempting to spend as many hours possible outside soaking up the last of the chill and crisp before the leaves change and there will be neither to be found for a while. Where writing’s failed me, there’s been plenty of reading to be had with several new paper cuts and worn spines to prove it. The closest town to here is small and full of businesses that have been pinned to the same family name for decades. Their library’s no different, but has provided some rare gems nonetheless. It is strange to call this place history when my memories are so few and far between of it truly being so, but it certainly feels familiar to the senses. It’s like a language I learned as a child and then abandoned furthermore. My comprehension is fragmentary, but there are certain accents to the environment that I can’t help but recognize. There is one long road that cuts down the middle of Cave Junction, but just a little ways to the right there’s a stretch of forest so dense, anything in a rush coming or going fades away. Here, especially, where I am on the land closest to the riverside there’s an ongoing sound of silence in the air, devoid of city sirens or busied manmade interruption, as if I’ve caught the world off guard at 5 in the morning. The air smells of cedar needles and woodsmoke. Though it feels like the first time I’ve been in this part of Oregon, part of me has embraced this land like a long overdue reacquaintance. I could get used to it long term if it didn’t lack quite an important component that doesn’t exist here.

I was tempted to try and call you over the phone, but couldn’t risk the chance of waking you up at the wrong time. Sleep is precious ( though I must confess I have not been any better at ending my late evenings with the moon at a reasonable early hour ). Besides, I must admit a partiality to this style of communication —- writing you. It falls a close second place to the alternative. Too rare are physically sent letters and gifts these days. Mind, I’ve never had an address worthy enough for it to make sense to send or receive such things before. On the outside of this envelope I chose the stamp with a picture of the coastline here on it because it reminded me of you. The rocky cliffs and the waves, the ebb and flow of wise and falls; infinite beginnings and endings. At the very least, I suppose in sending this I’m giving the people at the empty post office a reason to get up in the morning. Or maybe that’s not something to be celebrated, if it means I’ve interrupted their rest and forced them head to work and deal with a girl’s sentimental flyaway heart. But I digress…

It’s strange to to think about how many miles there are between us now again. In a way, it feels as though we never parted from visit in December. I have taken care of the gifts you’ve given me, all of them tucked close by. Records are played often in your honor. Table tops have been spared tea ring stains, much to the delight of artisanal reclaimed wood carpenters everywhere. In another way, absence is all I feel. Still. The quiet, the coolness of solitary. It’s peculiarly noticeable. This is how it has been these past couple of years yet, in beginning this recovery again, it doesn’t feel like a sustainable rhythm. I think it might have to do with how full this house is. There’s always someone around, voices calling up and down stairs, different people’s belongings strung about. It’s organized chaos, to say the least. I cannot complain, even though is feels I’m on the outskirts of an inside joke much of the time I do linger in the communal living room or kitchen with these various distant relatives I’ve never met before. Intriguing as this new chapter of rediscovering old roots is, I am grateful for the personal space they’ve allocated me —- it’s away from the crowded hubbub and nestled at the fringe of the garden ( a real one! no plastic impostors here, you’ll be happy to know ) at the back of the property, about half a mile from the main house. I believe you’d love it —- it’s a cottage overflowing with charming personality and character. Though the structure’s been renovated into a lovely self-sufficient studio space in the inside, it’s been beautifully preserved on the outside. Almost all original brick. Various lengths of fallen cedar branches, from a storm that blew through here years ago, were sanded down and glazed to embellish the outer edges of the door frame and stained glass window panes. Small and particularly gnarled pieces were turned into handles for the drawers in the kitchenette. A wall of windows faces east, where I can watch the sunrise from bed. Dawn is always brings about a spike of icy coldness, no amount of layers is enough to hide from it all too well. By most afternoons it’s mild again; the skies wonderfully clear. As soon as the first rays of golden light filter into this makeshift cottage ‘home’ of mine, the world is colored warmed and honeyed again and I can feel the cusp of spring has arrived.

I dearly hope to see you again sometime in the future. I did promise myself I’d travel back to Europe and Sweden one day, and I do intend to make good on that claim ( and now it’s officially been written down —- so you can be my witness hold me to it! ) Certainly your presence alone is quite the fine excuse to do so, more than any Eiffel or canal or mountainous venture attracts me to revisit.

Tell me what you’ve been doing with your time over there —- or anything whatsoever. You could write out the instructions to a recipe for toast or the stages of a grass seed’s growth and I would indulgently peruse your penmanship for hours. Though the sound of your voice is most definitely still the most preferred and refreshing expression you convey. Tied with that smile.

Missing you my dear friend. May we reunite soon.

With love, Zosia

[archivezosia]

caleb cartwright,

Caleb, it’s a pleasure.

I think the home is the perfect place to not have to follow what “good taste” is. It’s a place for you, after all, so why not have it be a reflection of exactly what it is you represent? Though I see the appeal trendy decor and such, but it’d be hypocritical of me to say that one should leave the task to an actual designer when my home is littered with trinkets that I’ve collected over the years. They’re special to me, though I don’t think many people would be as quick to place a tacky Swedish gnome on their mantle.

A bit of both, I suppose. I’m sure I could scrape up a photo somewhere.

A tacky Swedish gnome? I might have one or two Swedish Tomte Dolls myself —- things received from my grandmother. Though the mantle isn’t where they’re kept in my home. I agree with your opinions on home decor though, and I think my tastes for design right now are reflected as such in my home. Ever since moving out to California I’ve been in admiration of Colonial Spanish interiors and exteriors, and that’s my current design and decor. So your’s is eclectic? Do you pick up things when you see something you like and fit it in?

Don’t trouble yourself. I’m just curious, I like to see the before and afters.

[thane-watson]

Zosia & Thane

[archivezosia]

thane watson,

Honestly, I’ll be happy to get back into it. I just find it funny how before this long break, I’d been praying for more time with my friends and family and yet during this break I’ve never felt more separated from those I considered my closest friends. However, as a benefit I feel as though our friendship has grown leaps and bounds in this time, I feel like. I just feel like losing myself in all of that has been a hindrance to the relationships I’d created previously, and I feel that I’ve changed drastically, and perhaps not for the better. So, in turn getting back into the thick of it will both take me away from Los Angeles, and allow me not to focus so much on the negative aspects of what I see in everything.

I can’t say that I’m not entirely at fault. I’ve been told in one way, or another, that I’ve been lacking in the supportive aspects of a friendship. I’m in no way perfect, and apparently quite selfish as it turns out. Although, I’d never considered myself a very selfish sort of man, I suppose I am. It’s so strange feeling as though I’ve lost sight of the man I was, or even wanted to be. I feel almost like I did when I’d gotten out of uni, moved to New York City, and had no concept of the person I was trying to become. I was still finding myself at that time, and I thought I’d gotten well past all of that, but now I find myself in that position again. I don’t know who I am. I wonder if I’m not a good person at all, and it scares me to think that I’ve become something I wouldn’t like in another human being. I can’t quite come to terms with any of it.

I’ve gone through multiple break ups, but none that left me feeling as though I’d lost all my hopes and dreams for a future family until I lost Gia. I can’t imagine going what you have gone through, and it makes me sad to know that you’ve experienced anything like that. I’m happy, though, that you’ve found someone that you can share yourself with again. Do you still miss them, the one that you lost? I’m not saying that you’re not happy in your current relationship, of course, but do you ever think back on your past? I know that thinking that everything is hopeless for me is ridiculous. I know that there has to be a future for me with someone, maybe still with Gia, but I feel so broken at this moment that I don’t even know that I’m capable of happiness, true happiness. I don’t know if it’s fair for me to really try and give myself when I feel so broken now. I know other people might blame the loss of her for me being in this place, and maybe that was the final straw that brought me down, but I don’t blame her for where I am mentally. I don’t think this is her fault. I feel like something’s wrong with me. Did you feel like that after your own loss?

You’re not wrong, I feel as though we’ve grown closer. I think we’ve spent more time talking in depth and getting to the root of persons we are. I hardly have anyone I can talk with in such ways, and while the topics may often be heavy, introspective, and sometimes emotional in admission, it’s a nice and meaningful part of our friendship in my opinion. Sometimes the greatest advantage of travel is getting out of a particular headspace a certain environment can get you stuck in. So a new location and putting your mind and spirit into work again seems like it will be beneficial in drawing you out of where you feel you cannot move properly. I hope you’ll keep in touch while you’re away though.

My opinion is that you’re in a state of flux and you’re evolving. It happens with age and big events in our life, and it causes us to often reflect on the way things were and why they’ve changed. I think we all as people have to be careful not to throw too much harsh judgments on these points in our lives. Think of yourself as a snake shedding its skin —- it’s natural, apart of nature, and you’re not wrong for not being the same person you were at any given point in the past. With growth we sometimes grow out of certain relationships, our likes and dislikes change, and our desires and aspirations evolve with all of that. I feel a connect with you in the place you’re in, it’s somewhere I’ve spent quite a lot of time. I’m sorry you feel such a disconnect with yourself and many of the people in your life, but I can tell you it’s not something that’s going to last forever. You will figure this out.

It’s strange, I do miss Kyle, I do wish he hadn’t taken his life, but our relationship had been dissolving before that happened. Part of my guilt I suppose, I feel responsible for how broken he felt and it’s hard to get the words and images out of my head when the loss happened. I miss the person he was and how he could light up a room with his energy, how no one gets to experience that anymore. He did so much for me and my growth into independence and adulthood, that it’s still hard to reconcile him not being here anymore. I have a certain settlement though when it comes to him. What I miss most and what pains me the most every day is the child I never got to meet —- I cannot seem to find any resolve to that no matter what I do. It’s the one thing that time has not made any easier or better. I definitely have felt broken and I have resided in the abyss, but parts of me have grown and opened up with given time and enrichment. I think it’s smart not to rush a return to Gia, though talking and reconnecting would be great and helpful to you both. Closure on that chapter in your lives would be beneficial, then you can move forward together in whichever way that is. I think you need time and space to feel and resolve with your current state, and I think there’s plenty to get you through it, it’s just about trudging through the thick of your lost and your pain. Don’t ignore anything, feel it and understand it, then you can continue forward. You’re not less of anything for your current position, you’re human and life is very hard.

[archivezosia]

« Clouds rolled in so thick today and I was again forced to reflect on the way the human spirit mimics the weather. I think that maybe I’ve been full of fear. Fear of: why the seeds of the dandelion I wished on didn’t blow away. An unchangeable past. Not doing enough. Not being enough. Not being able to tell my parents the the truth. Not even knowing the truth. And tornadoes. A lot of artists seem to struggle with the concern that their best work is behind them. I worry that my best work is unsayable, rising and falling with my breath, entrapped in a ribcage with my heart whose beating I cannot stand to hear. It takes so much work just to keep someone alive. Sun and sweat then clouds and dusk. Why is dusk taking so long? And why is it so pretty even when it’s making my heart ache? »

[sophie-gardener-blog]

Zosia & Sophie

[archivezosia]

sophie gardener,

You’re probably right about that. I couldn’t possibly imagine it. My love for animals is far too big to allow for that. Oh, no worries. I have this idea that I’m going to be single forever and ever, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If that so-called person never appears, I know that I’ll be okay. I’ve been fine this long, haven’t I? As long as I have my adventures, my animals, and my friends I can find happiness in my life. Really?! I would’ve thought that I would still need to pay for travel! That’s incredible. Then I’ll make sure to get together with you once I’m licensed as a vet, and see if we can’t get me along on your next trip over!! That’s so exciting!

That’s so kind of you. It means a lot for people to say that, if they think it’s true. I would like to stay in Los Angeles, I’ve established a bond with my animals there, but if not there I wouldn’t mind the big time zoo in San Diego. That’s my second choice. After that, maybe Washington D.C. I’ve never been, but that’s a lovely zoo, I hear. Then after that, wherever my imagination takes me. I just want to be useful.

It says quite a lot of a person’s heart and spirit of those that have special connections and kinships to animals. Hold on to all your ideals and special qualities, the right person for you will be there in time. I find that’s the way it happens, you live your life and as good as you can and the right people will come into it. Just be open to it when it happens —- not that I particularly think you wouldn’t be. I don’t believe that someone as beautiful as you, inside and out, would be single forever. Do you have any romantic attachments? Someone or someones you’re interested in? Not that I am trying to make that what life is all about, as there’s more ways to love —- it is about relationships in general though. The many types. You’re great as you are, though there’s nothing wrong with sharing yourself with another person, whether that’s friends or a loved one someday. I’ve simply learned to never rule anything out and just live, you’ll find things along the path of life as you do. I think I know of a person interested in you though.

Oh no, I mean that I would pay your cost of travel and make the necessary arrangements for you. It would be a blessing to have someone with your heart and skill set apart of the mission. My graduation gift to you, though really you’ll be a gift to something that means so much to me. Very exciting, indeed! It could be a branch out for you as well, for you could make some incredible contacts.

 You’ll be useful wherever you end up. Your work with the organization could possibly help you on where you land as well. I can’t imagine that Los Angeles wouldn’t want to take you on full-time once you have your degree and licensure. The zoo in Washington DC is beautiful, but I couldn’t imagine you living out there. The California sun is beautiful on you, though perhaps abroad options could be worth something?

[archivezosia]

rosalie harman,

Adventure is where my heart is, I don’t know why I like to wander but I just do. It’s fun though, I like seeing the world and finding places where I wouldn’t have thought to tread. Well, I send her them if I wander off again - it was always a ‘Hey, I’m still alive’ thing and she gets that through phone calls now.

I’ve been published actually! Written a few, though some that I will never let leave my laptop but I keep for prosperity. Ah, it’s a good dream! The last thing I wrote was a retelling of the Little Mermaid, I’m quite proud of it.

Adventure and wanderlust doesn’t need a reason or explanation in my opinion. I think it’s a large part of human nature to seek, and travel and exploration offer answers and resolutions —- sometimes to questions and problems we didn’t know we had. Mostly I believe they offer knowledge and experience. I like, or love the very same in seeing the world and places to tread. Oh, I’m sure she prefers the phone calls and getting to hear your voice.

That’s amazing, congratulations. I would love to read your writing sometime. A retelling of The Little Mermaid sounds interesting. What prompted that endeavor?

[greyson--matthew--sixx]

Oliver & Zosia

[archivezosia]

oliver foley,

Don’t even mention the word beach around him. It’s a trigger for him. Unless you want him running around with the zoomies. He goes nuts for the beach. We frequent hikes on the daily, at least twice a week. It’s nice to meet you, Zosia. Pretty name. St Bernards are definitely lazy but they’re lovable that’s for sure!

We, well I’ve lived in LA for about 8 years I think? Banjo was born here. But he’s definitely not 8.

Twice a week is more my speed for the hikes, though that’s also due to my dog’s fitness levels. I can’t blame that on their laziness though, as Linden’s joints aren’t the best and Queen Chandelle is an older lady these days. We do walk the beach every morning though if Banjo mixes well with others. Definitely lovable, the biggest mushes and best cuddlers around. Thank you, I have to say you’re the first Oliver I’ve met I think.

Chandelle is eight, and it worries me a bit. So if you’re not from Los Angeles, where are you from?

[archivezosia]

connor byrne,

Me too. Sounds like this was meant to be. You wanna make a regular hangout of this, I won’t say no. I’m not saying no to a new, regular friend, and some good food. Don’t worry, it takes a whole hell of a lot to scare me off from a solid request. You’ve got yourself a new friend. You might regret this later.

From Boston. Miss it already, or most of it. I’m the bane of everyone’s existence. No use in denying it. I can own up to what I am, and I don’t mind. I’m a troublemaker/pain in the ass. Just ask around. They’ll all confirm it.

Oh, I doubt this would be something to regret at any point —- even if you are attempting to point to the possibility that you’re trouble of some sort. Everyone has a story, and most everyone is worth getting to know. There’s nothing for you to be afraid of though, I can’t seem to hold friends or connections as it is showing itself to me like trying to hold water in my hands but I don’t think I do anything in particular to scare anyone off. I will try harder, especially since we have to eat good food right?

That’s not true. For people to be upset with you they have to care about you. Watch out for the ones that are indifferent. If I ask around I’ll ask what good memories people have of you, I’m sure there’s more of those than the other. What do you miss about Boston, aside from everything? Anything specific you could let me imagine? 

[yennefahs]

[limitlessplaylist]

Visit Original Link

When inner scars show on your face, And darkness hides your sense of place, Well I won’t speak, I will refrain and be the song, Just be the song…

[archivezosia]

damien rath,

Wait a sec… you crashed a Ferrari? I know there’s gotta be a helluva a reason or story behind that… I hadn’t heard about that sorta thing but it’s best we didn’t know each other back then. I’d call it wild tho dependin’ on the reason. I go to car meets every now then here if ya ever wanna come and relive any of that a bit. Are ya missin’ ya father a bit? You’re mentionin’ him much more than ever before. Well that right there is why you’re the perfect girl… cars, real food… so let’s run on and get a bite and go for a drive.

You’re right, I’m sure it was for the best —- you had a difficult life of survival while my struggles were very different. I was raised in a materialistic world, much more intense than the consumerism that plagues our nation, and people could and often were bought by things and/or money. I hated it and it bothered me so much that others saw me as something for purchase, in one way or another. A friend or colleague of my fathers bought the sports car and gifted it to me as a push to date him. I’ll remind you that I was sixteen. So I totaled it to let him know how I felt about that, and looking back I see the teenage rebel but I could’ve handled that better. I think I’ve done far wilder things in my adult life.

I would enjoy going to some car meets with you. Are they a cars and coffee type of deal? I think I’m always missing my family to some degree, but yes, my father and I were close, I just don’t know how to reconcile.

Since I’m driving I’ll stop by and pick you up?

[greyson--matthew--sixx]

Oliver & Zosia

[archivezosia]

oliver foley,

His been my baby for a few years now. He definitely appreciates the compliment and I appreciate the welcome. What’s your name, pretty lady? I’m asking for Banjo.

He’s such a cute dog and looks like he’s full of energy. Do you go on hikes together or anything? Enjoy the beach? Well tell Banjo my name is Zosia, and I have two furry friends of my own named Chandelle and Linden. They’re St Bernards, so a bit on the big and lazy side. 

Have you and Banjo lived in Los Angeles long?

[archivezosia]

jeremiah hale,

I’ve been lucky, and I got to travel places with my parents when I was younger, but I would like to go to Australia, and Japan. Those are probably my top two. Maybe I’ll get to see what you find beautiful about your location too, though. I’m really up for going anywhere and seeing anything. I’m still hoping that some day we’ll be able to really officially change the game with all of that. Then maybe we won’t be seeing entire species fade away.

I’m self aware of that bit of me at the very least. My parents and I don’t have the best relationship, but I have to try. I’m their last living child, so there’s no use in shutting them out when we are where we are because they don’t know how to cope with the same loss that I also haven’t found a way to deal with. It’s been over ten years and I’m still shit at handling it. So if I’m shit at handling my sister’s death, can’t blame them for the same thing. At least I know where I got my inability to cope appropriately. We don’t get up to much, just kind of spending time in the same space, and being really awkward. They always think they want to see my face, then they see me and I think I bring a lot of bad memories along when I’m around. It never goes the way one expects.

Don’t think I’d ever considered cats. Maybe I should. They’re cute, even if they kind of do their own thing.

We share that in common. I, too, was able to travel and explore quite a lot with accompanying my parents on trips. Is there a place you traveled in childhood that stands out to you still to this day? One that you remember more than the others? Australia and Japan, very good choices, though I have hardly spent anytime in Japan but its an incredible and beautiful culture —- very unique. I hope you get a chance to see Kenya, or any part of Africa really. It’s a place and land that needs to be seen and experienced, and I realize that comes from a bias I have given all the time and places I’ve been to within the continent. I’m just never not amazed by something, and it help me to feel alive at times when I couldn’t recognize that on my own. I hope the conservation of species and land grows and improves as well. Definitely a dream of mine I would like to see through.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Grief can take a long time to make our way through, and if I could share my favorite quote regarding it, by Vicki Harrison —-

Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

There’s some losses I don’t think we ever get over, we simply carry them with us through the rest of life. Are the bad memories your appearance brings because you and your sister look so much alike? Looking into your eyes makes them remember looking into hers? At least you’re able to try and be around each other. I’m not sure my parents and I will ever reach that place.

I love cats. I’m just more of a dog person. I think one could make a great companion though.

[james-cartwright-md]

Zosia & James

[archivezosia]

jameson cartwright,

I appreciate your positivity Zosia. I used to be that way. Im working on getting back to being that way. But it really helps me to hear encouragement like that. At the moment moving anywhere is a plan that is a few years away. Im content with solely focusing on finishing my residency. But the pipe dream of a big move is alive and well. When was the last time you made it out to Sweden to spend time with your family?

Thank you. I’m trying to keep people at arms length to protect them. But Ive quickly learned that the people that want to be supportive are. And they also dont appreciate my pushing back. Im lucky. I have more people that care about me than I ever realized.

A favorite between Sonic and Mortal Kombat? Can a person even pick? Theyre 2 very different games. What would you pick?

I understand, as it’s often incredibly difficult to find any light when in darkness. I suppose that’s why I glue to it now that I finally feel the warmth of the sun again. Whatever has troubled you and pulled you into a place where that positivity is hard to reach, if you let me I can be here to remind you and give assistance to you working on it. I’m sure you’re already covered with a great support system, your brother is a good man and has a generous spirit, but I know the pain of facing things alone. How much longer do you have with your residency? I’m glad the dream remains alive and well despite how busy you are and how tied you are to here for now. Just don’t leave it as a pipe dream is all I hope.

I was in Sweden in December of last year, though I didn’t really spend much time with my family. There’s, well —- there’s quite a lot of hurt between us.

I’m happy to know that, as support makes the world of difference. You’re right, it’s definitely true that the people that absolutely care will find whatever way to be apart of your life, whether it’s good times or bad.

I think I would pick Mortal Kombat, but I think I make that choice because I learned all the codes to the game. Plus, whenever I did play, I won quite a lot more at that game than Sonic. Tough choice though, you’re right. So, forcing your hand here —- which would you choose?

[archivezosia]

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