I havenāt been able to sleep yet. My mind wouldnāt quiet down. So, I decided the best course of action was to smoke... and then fuck myself.
I pulled my large dildo out of the drawer, rubbed lube on it and slowly pushed it inside me- it was slightly cool and felt fantastic as it slid inside my hot pussy. I took a clit pump, positioned it and started to twist the handle, making me harden as it sucked on me.
I started to fantasize about you fingering me. Vibrating my clit with your fingertips. Circling and stroking. I imagine your hot body, snuggled against me. Whispering to me about how badly you want to make me cum and all the things you want to do to get me there.
I feel you shift and then your mouth is between my legs, hot and wet. Sucking my clit, plunging your tongue and fingers into me, slurping up my juices. I quickly cum, my body quivers and my cunt pulses. I hear you groan, you grab a thick handful of my ass and I cum harder. You come up to kiss me and plunge your cock into me hard. I scream in delight.
But then, an image flashes into my head. Itās you and her. In the hotel room next to mine. You whisper that she needs to be quiet or Iāll hear.
I flash back to the present. My pussy stops quivering and I remove the toys. I hold my breath, attempting to stem the flow of tears.
Is that how it happened? Did you tell her that you told me you wouldnāt have sex?
Did you ask her to be quiet, because you knew Iād be upset if I heard?
Did you even try to push her away? Or was it you that advanced on her?
Did you have even a quarter of an ounce of hesitation?
I hadnāt even cared about you having sex, until you said you wouldnāt and I found out you did anyways. I didnāt care so much that you lied until I realized you put hands on my to try to physically stop me from seeing the evidence.
I stop texting the middle of the night masturbation fantasy message. I think for a moment of deleting it, then remember that I promised to tell my story. I copy the message and paste it here.
Do you realize how it affects me, and still choose to do nothing?
Do you realize how itās affecting our relationship and still choose to do nothing?
Do you realize how many times I have almost walked away from you and still choose to do nothing?
I think you know. I think you know if you read what I have that it would shatter the pedestal youāve placed her on. I think you know that once you read them, you then will have to choose, her or me.
I think if Iām thinking these things about the person that I have so much love for.... well, I think that maybe this isnāt a relationship I should be in, regardless of how much I love you. I should be able to trust you, but you keep showing I canāt. And even if you were to leave her, could I trust you, or would I just be paranoid about the next one?
I feel like youāve cheated on me, even though you havenāt.
I know the question of ācan this be healed?ā is why weāre in counseling together. But you keep making choices where you choose her over me. And until that changes I donāt see a way through at all, the darkness is just too thick. At some point I have to feel like a priority. In some way. Not every way. Just even one. One way.
Please. I donāt want to walk away. I want to run towards you and hold you forever. I want to explore and discuss, go on adventures, and live my life with you. I want you. I want to grow old with you. I want to support you and grow with you.
But I need a lifeline. I need something...