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$LAYYYTER
blake kathryn
wallacepolsom
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
trying on a metaphor
cherry valley forever
Peter Solarz
Stranger Things
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Claire Keane
romaā
macklin celebrini has autism
ā
Three Goblin Art
we're not kids anymore.
if i look back, i am lost
hello vonnie
Andulka
AnasAbdin
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@ariadnethoni
Empty
Itās hard to describe the feeling
Like a hive of buzzing bees no longer vibrating
The vacuum of space is deep in my chest
A once filled balloon now deflated-
You can tell something used to be there
The elastic stretched and frayed
Skin loose and wrinkled where it was once taut.
At least a black hole is full.
There is no light to escape my event horizon.
Death is such a strange thing. To watch someone that once towered over you weak and struggling to sip water. Seeing them gradually shrink, become gaunt, as their own body fight to conserve energy. The waiting as cancer spreads. Wondering when the process of actively dying will start. Thinking of dying as an active process. Will it be months? Weeks? Only months ago they were walking... now they canāt even sit up. Sleeping most of the time, only waking long enough to push the button on the pain pump.
Day 19 6/23/20
Itās been quite a while. I havenāt forgotten my promise of 40 journal entries. More than halfway through they year and I havenāt quite hit the halfway point.
What a few months. Holy shit.
Filed divorce finally.
Partner (Not future ex husband) and I settled on being monogamous while we work on us.
Corona hit.
We decided to move in together after a month or two āquarantiningā together.
So many home improvement/redecorating projects.
My son decided to go live with his dad.
We protested in DC for BLM.
My nephew was born.
I finally decided to go to the doctor for increasing pain and fatigue. Was immediately told that I would qualify for a cannabis card due to my PTSD. Weāre still investigating the pain issue, but at least I have some assistance with it (and the PTSD) in the meantime.
Weāre heading to Yellowstone in a week. While weāre there it will be three years since I told my soon to be ex husband I was moving to a new state and one year since the rape occurred (not the same person). Iām hoping that Iāll be so busy/exhausted/enamored that I wonāt remember either. Regardless, the trip is gonna kick my ass.
Iāve been daydreaming about building a house lately. Iāve wanted to build an earthship for a long time, but I donāt think Iāve daydreams to this magnitude before. It seems different this time. Actually possible, less dreamy.
1:18 am Saturday Morning Regrets
Sitting on the floor of my bathroom
In a dizzy haze
Trying to remember my last thought
But my brain is a wire mesh screen
And my thoughts flow like... water
...
Toilet. Water.
I worship the Porcelain Goddess
She who is a stable life line
In the swirling spinning world
Of shit and piss and vomit.
Hail the Porcela... the Porce...
...
......
Blergh
Once, Twice, Thrice.
Three! The magical number!
It is the perfect sacrifice to Her!
But still, the mind blurs
I close my eyes and time stops.
My surroundings slip away
I open my eyes and wonder... how did I get to the bathroom?
And in that moment, I realize that I
Was undone by a cupcake.
Day 18, 2/18/20, āRageā
You fucking cunt
You controlling
Possessive
Hypocritical
Amoebic
parasite
Feeding on a lump of shit.
You are a hand
Black, festering, gangrenous
People cling to you
Hold you tight
Even as the skin sloughs off
Instead of cutting away
The toxicity creeping up the limb
Infecting healthy flesh
Leaving your mark every where you go
Unkindly
Fuck off
š±Some helpful tips to keep healthy house plantsš±
Poly Ponderings, Day 17 1/17/20
A few months ago, I was accused by my meta of being bad at poly. At first I was very defensive of the idea. How can I be bad at poly. I have 5 partners, 4 of which Iāve been with for over a year, 3 of them have been over two years. I get along with all but one of my metas. I donāt get it.
But lately Iāve been feeling like I have too many partners. Like Iām stretched thin. Iāve been fantasizing about being a hermit. About having only one partner. Fantasizing about being monogamous again. And I wondered, maybe Iām not cut out for poly. And so I adopted the label ambiamorous.
But thinking about it more, and what the source of that feeling is, is not that there is a restriction on the number of people I can love, but there is a finite amount of time I have to love them and share space with them. My primary love language is quality time. And so if I am not giving enough of that to my partners, I feel like I am doing them a disservice.
So I think the pull toward monogamy is not so much that Iām not ok with loving more than one person, but note that I found one person that I love so incredibly much that I want to spend as much time loving them as I can in however much life I have left on this planet. I donāt want my expression of love to be thin and stretched. I want my love spread on them thick and warm and to leave no doubt as to how deep and eternal it is. I want them going to sleep *knowing* that they are the last thing on my mind as I drift off, and the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes. That my love for them is as big as the universe, and as small as all the spaces in between.
āThe past year has been infinitively tough, you know? The kind of tough that latches to your heart and forces you to carry it wherever you go. The kind that tugs you awake at three in the morning, refusing to let you go back to sleep. The kind that has you doubting your true dreams and whether all the work to get there is worth it considering how fast approaching climate change is and how life does not seem to hold an overall definitive purpose. This year has taught me a lot about myself and other people. I have learnt that no amount of love or tears spilled for another person can make them want to help themselves and that there is never going to be anyone more in need of the love you have to offer than you. I have learnt to stand up for myself in times of pain, frustration and injustice. I have learnt to hold my own hair back after drinking a little too much. I have learnt to wipe my makeup off before bed and to regularly give my skin the hydration it so very much desires because it deserves nothing but the best- as do both you and I. I have learnt how to enjoy food guiltlessly and to stop correlating what I eat with exercise. I have learnt the art of vulnerability and to let myself be sheltered amidst a storm. I have learnt persistence and patience which allowed me to fall back in love with creating art and reading books. I have learnt that a soul mate means so much more than romance and that this life will grant you no greater love than the form you receive from your best friend. I have danced. I have laughed. I have picked myself up and talked myself down, tucked myself in when my world has burned down. I have loved, I have lost, I am yet to be found but I am determined for next year to be nothing but profound. I am worthy. I am kind. I no longer want to die. I am excited to continue a journey of self discovery and love despite those I am leaving behind.ā
ā
Goodbye, 2019.
Seriously.
Day 16, 12/17/19
I love you.
I donāt ever want you to think that I donāt.
I still love you when I hurt. I still love you when Iām angry. I still love you when I question myself. I still love you when Iām depressed beyond comprehension. I still love you when I question your feelings. I still love you in the worst moments.Ā
I truly love you, biggest and smallest. To the furthest stretches of the universe, down to the spaces in between that which makes us what we are. I love you. I donāt ever want you to forget that, no matter what the future brings.
I donāt want you to let me go, but if you have to, you need to know that I will always love you, of that I have no doubt.Ā
Yāall almost beat my ass when I said this awhile ago but itās true!
this is actually the primary reason me and my ex broke up. as an only child Iām very used to being alone and he didnāt grow up that way so it reqlly bothered him. whenever I wanted alone time he worried that that really meant I wanted time with other people and Iām just like what????? people need space. period. a relationship is not a contract for ownership. your partner is a whole person with their own shit before, after, and during your relationship.
The tags killed me
This is an ongoing issue in my relationship. I dont understand this. Iām like āwe need to be together ALL THE TIME ā and hes like āI need time aloneā
Why?
Because your partner is still their own person who deserves basic respect and that includes space. Yāall donāt need to be around each other 24-7.
Youāre probably suffocating them.
Can we please also establish that wanting to spend time with people other than your partner without them there is totally legitimate and doesnāt mean you are cheating or love them any less
12/13/19, Day 15, Yellow
I havenāt been able to sleep yet. My mind wouldnāt quiet down. So, I decided the best course of action was to smoke... and then fuck myself.
I pulled my large dildo out of the drawer, rubbed lube on it and slowly pushed it inside me- it was slightly cool and felt fantastic as it slid inside my hot pussy. I took a clit pump, positioned it and started to twist the handle, making me harden as it sucked on me.
I started to fantasize about you fingering me. Vibrating my clit with your fingertips. Circling and stroking. I imagine your hot body, snuggled against me. Whispering to me about how badly you want to make me cum and all the things you want to do to get me there.
I feel you shift and then your mouth is between my legs, hot and wet. Sucking my clit, plunging your tongue and fingers into me, slurping up my juices. I quickly cum, my body quivers and my cunt pulses. I hear you groan, you grab a thick handful of my ass and I cum harder. You come up to kiss me and plunge your cock into me hard. I scream in delight.
But then, an image flashes into my head. Itās you and her. In the hotel room next to mine. You whisper that she needs to be quiet or Iāll hear.
I flash back to the present. My pussy stops quivering and I remove the toys. I hold my breath, attempting to stem the flow of tears.
Is that how it happened? Did you tell her that you told me you wouldnāt have sex?
Did you ask her to be quiet, because you knew Iād be upset if I heard?
Did you even try to push her away? Or was it you that advanced on her?
Did you have even a quarter of an ounce of hesitation?
I hadnāt even cared about you having sex, until you said you wouldnāt and I found out you did anyways. I didnāt care so much that you lied until I realized you put hands on my to try to physically stop me from seeing the evidence.
I stop texting the middle of the night masturbation fantasy message. I think for a moment of deleting it, then remember that I promised to tell my story. I copy the message and paste it here.
Do you realize how it affects me, and still choose to do nothing?
Do you realize how itās affecting our relationship and still choose to do nothing?
Do you realize how many times I have almost walked away from you and still choose to do nothing?
I think you know. I think you know if you read what I have that it would shatter the pedestal youāve placed her on. I think you know that once you read them, you then will have to choose, her or me.
I think if Iām thinking these things about the person that I have so much love for.... well, I think that maybe this isnāt a relationship I should be in, regardless of how much I love you. I should be able to trust you, but you keep showing I canāt. And even if you were to leave her, could I trust you, or would I just be paranoid about the next one?
I feel like youāve cheated on me, even though you havenāt.
I know the question of ācan this be healed?ā is why weāre in counseling together. But you keep making choices where you choose her over me. And until that changes I donāt see a way through at all, the darkness is just too thick. At some point I have to feel like a priority. In some way. Not every way. Just even one. One way.
Please. I donāt want to walk away. I want to run towards you and hold you forever. I want to explore and discuss, go on adventures, and live my life with you. I want you. I want to grow old with you. I want to support you and grow with you.
But I need a lifeline. I need something...
Iām calling yellow.
