Maria Lourdes

Now in a better state. Wakes up each day motivated to reach her dreams because now it is not just for her, but for her family, her two providers, and the society. Constantly aims to be better than yesterday. Will make the world a better place to live. Goodluck to the Summa!

[ariagonzales]

#JustWokeUp Feeling Better

September 14, 2018. A friday. Classes are suspended because Supertyphoon Ompong will landfall tonight. I woke up at 7:30 at my Grandparent’s house because I finished transferring files very late. However, it was all better this morning. Thanks to you, Shareit.

This morning is one of the most special mornings in life. There’s not even a single window here in the small bedroom to make me feel the rays of the sunshine but the fact that I am feeling the greatness of the sun in me is enough to make me feel better. Lots of dreams but this is included in the few that I could never trade for. The joy in your heart just by doing and receiving little things is incomparable. 

Last night, I’ve stumbled upon a questionnaire regarding depression. I remember those nights, the nightmares, the demons. Trying to pull me out of my sleep. Never left me in my high school years, hugging me no matter how force I apply to bug it off me. And now it left because I stopped fighting, I just let it be.

Last June, I think I was better. I think I really am. I’m feeling empty, not the sad empty. I am not sad but I am not sad either. And it doesn’t matter. As long as I will not be an outcast, as long as I’ll find a group who will see my worth, as long as there are people who will appreciate my personality despite its flaws, I will be all right.

Last year, was sad. Last last year was even more saddest. Grade 9 was worst because it was the start. I remember asking two classmates about what am I feeling, I am feeling extreme sadness, pain, emptiness, insecurity, and all except positivity at the same time. I remember asking why even though I almost overdosed myself in multi-vitamin, I could not find an energy. I was lost but found by you. I love You but some days were off and the blackness started again.

Maybe it was the school, maybe I just needed a new environment, maybe it was the state of neutrality that transformed the bitterness into small joys. That and small victories and small everything that I accepted. Prides that I ate in order to avoid conflict. The bravery to stand again not thinking about taking my life no matter how pain am I feeling. That let you tears fall on your pillow and things will be alright in time therapy that worked for me.

Honestly, I did not expect it. I wasn’t aware of the progress. I just know that now I am not feeling any single melancholy nor any situation would make me feel bad about myself. I just know that I could smile now because I am already stable. That no matter how much the world tries to break you, people who makes you feel bad for being you, rejections, failures, and conflicts that will stand along the way of success, as long as your soul is ready, your heart is kind, and your mind is stable, nothing could shatter your inner peace.

It is you, it is within you, it will be your weapon from now on.

Helping the underprivileged is another matter. The empathy we feel for them is nonsense because all of us feels it. Not just everyone are courageous enough to make a change. It is good that you have a soft heart but the days of just feeling pity towards them are over. Now that you are healed, it is your chance to heal others. To make them see the beauty of this world, no matter how dented it becomes. 

[ariagonzales]

Science and Technology in Society

Scientists were portrayed in media as a cool and brainy set of humans who can change the world through inventions and experiments. In reality, developing countries such as Philippines may not be the ideal world for this type of dream since scientists here are not well-supported. Luckily, there are still government agencies who are working to produce more competitive Filipinos like the Department of Science and Technology. This month of July, they gathered the champions of the well-known schools and organization to launch their annual fair entitling the “National Science and Technology Week 2018”.

I could not hide my amazement upon eyeing each inventions. Scattered are well-thought out creations that are deemed beneficial in society. What held me in was Salinlahi Evolution App which is an online application game about the Filipino scientists and their inventions. They tackled local inventions, scientific trivias, contributions of each scientists and more through a form of a game. I simply chose this because it is interconnected with my past academic lessons.

First, a lot of kids love playing games. So if we are to hook them up with science at a very young age, their interests in their youth might include science in their aspirations.

Second, since technology is often considered necessary especially in urban areas, detecting the challenges that the Filipino scientists have solved through this application could increase our potential to become useful for our countrymen even to those who belong in rural areas.

Third, if a lot of people will download this app, then the fund of the team will increase tremendously giving them opportunities to provide more essential applications.

And lastly, since the rate of Filipino scientists are disappointingly decreasing, appreciating those who have managed to survive it could open our eyes that there are still ways to overcome the deficiency in technology and their eyes, that if the people and the government would be very supportive in supporting the strength of science, then we could train more youth, the hope of the country, to be able to innovate whatever was lacking. To release the world-changing ideas trapped in a Filipino who could not afford basic education. 

True, the support of our country for science is dearth. It is barely breathing. But if everyone of us work together to save it, then it is not impossible to revive it.

[ariagonzales]

Dreamscape

Let’s start at the finale. Where I was alone, restless, and tired. My woe won’t unload and my mind is not giving me a sense of peace. It's almost 3am, the devil’s hour. But I’m not scared at all because I was filled with too much blue. Until, someone came. She poked me at my back so I faced her, where she easily vanished. I’m about to sleep when I saw she left a note saying, "After reading this, go outside your bedroom, walk downstairs, turn right, and you'll see me."  It panged my curiosity so I continued reading.

 "Hello, dear. I am here because I felt your pain. What happened to the brightest star? You’re too busy giving love you don’t receive. From this time I realized, even the most smiling faces feels agony too. You’re filled with forlorn. Grunge pages aren't helping either, for more woebegone just pushes you deeper into the trench. You were in your lowest to even move. But remember, you still have a chance. You cannot take your life. You must not, for it wasn't yours, but the Lord's. If you'd swim in the ocean of the sorrows, you will lose. And you will lose every single time knowing that you'd let yourself be deprived, when you can float. You can still succeed in your journey. Instead of finding someone who will swim with you in melancholy, you'd need someone to pull you up and let your soul survive the raging waves. So at this darkest hour, get up. Have the courage. Seek me and I will help you."

 It touched my heart upon finishing reading because someone boosted me. I felt empowered so I followed the instruction of the note to know whoever encouraged me. So I went outside my bedroom, walked downstairs, turned right, and what I saw, is myself. I saw nothing but a mirror. From that day forward, I knew. I have to change, commit, and dream again.

The next day, I went to church. The following Sunday, I joined a mass. At first, I didn’t feel anything. It doesn’t even felt right. Until I continued and replaced my old habits with anew. Refreshing readings became my breakfast. The lessons became my dinner. I was feeding myself soul food. I need forgiveness to be able to forgive myself, so I did my thing. It was not instant until the next time I checked, it was all lessened especially on the moment I’ll never forget, entering The Feast. It was the best. I felt pure, renewed and delight fills my heart. So I’ve decided to visit my favorite uncle at the cemetery where I witnessed a lot of tombstones. At that moment I realized I am not in fear, but in remorse. For that cemetery, wasn't just filled with dead bodies. But dead hearts, dead feelings, and dead dreams. A desire waiting to happen, a wish waiting to be performed, a love waiting to be felt. Their chances are already gone. But yours is still waiting to be grabbed. Friends, don't let your dreams be dreams.

 Thinking that we have a long life span to live is absurd. Live each day with a question, "If this is the last day I'd live, will I do the things I'm supposed to do today?" Life is short. We only got one shot, one chance. Make the most out of it. If ever you're in your rock bottom, get up! A change of heart, mind, and disposition can make tedious life exciting again! It wasn't easy but it's all worth it. Because in time, all the reason why you still live will soon show up. All the questions will be answered. Don't compare your life to others, for what’s best for them may not be the best for you. Save up for heavenly deeds. If you find someone without a smile, give them yours. Happiness is found, but joy is created.  Knowing that no matter how great the hurricane is, and sometimes we may even be the storm, as long as you’ve made up your mind that you are worthy and precious, nothing can stop you from living your life to the fullest.  And that’s it. I may have started at the finale but finally, I will start.

[ariagonzales]

And so let’s vent it out...

(note: everything you’re about to read wasn’t proofread and just a result of a tingling frustration amidst all the school works that clings into my head plus the result of coldplay’s album: parachute, injected in my blood) We’re all here to vent, right? Sabi mo eh. Your anger, your frustrations especially your love for him. But all I can say to you was, “Buti ka pa. Buti ka pa, mahal niya.” Let’s start from the bottom. My elementary experience was a zigzag but it was 70% bullshit. I was immature, but who can understand us all students, when even the teacher is. I guess I still am. But I had the trait of a fighter, never giving up. Combined with friendliness, entered 7th grade. I do the things I do, because I am who I really appear to be. No hideous activities, everything is transparent. Like my love for you.  I had a few serious crushes, but they wouldn’t stand a chance. I thought, my first serious crush topped. But nothing can compare to the feelings you give me, to the pain you caused me. Just like her, you just seemed like an airy guy who may be smart but got nothing in his head but his passion, basketball. Not minding your academic excellence. Until we became classmates, we weren’t really close because you were smart in Math, and that being my weakness, we were seats apart. But because some of my friends enjoyed your company, we had a light connection. Everything was ultimately fine. When my first crush graduated, enters second light but serious crush whom I thought the best to be the apple of my eye just because he’s an epitome of an ideal man. And you weren’t, but you became. Because in my eyes--no matter how absurd it may sound--you are lovely. I still don’t like you. I had a very light crush but I had no intentions--back then--to take care of my feelings for you. But how could I forget that day, when two of my friends teased you to me, and you came. All smiling even though you’re tired. From that moment in my third year, I felt scared. What am I feeling? I’m not supposed to feel this way. Because everything about you is gross. But as the saying goes, “love makes the heart grow fonder” and it did when I officially admitted that I liked you, to my friends. Everything went well. You are one hell roller coaster ride, undefined. I am guilty of taking care of the feeling more because of the signs. Like: if you’ll do this, you’re meant for me. Every action you did gave a point to my heart. Because everything turned perfectly just what I was expecting, until my nightmare came. Grade 10, when you were transferred to star section. You became classmates with a typical protagonist: pretty, smart, kind, quiet, nerdy, and doesn’t like you. That’s not our story so to cut it short, you fell for her. Every time it breaks my heart knowing how much joy she fills your blues. But I cannot do a thing, because if being with me will cause your suffering, then I’d set you free. You know when you loves a person too much that you have to let them go? I do, love you. So I did, let you go. So, you can truly be with the woman you deeply love. I’ve never been so jealous all my life. You liked pretty girls. And I don’t mind giving you to prettier than me but you chose her. A daisy in a field of roses. Beautiful and unique. Now, no matter how I may not admit, I choose to become who I am today because of you. Kahit di ko aminin, nagbago ako, para pagbalik ko, baka sakaling magustuhan mo na ako. But you never did, because you were busy loving someone else.  I know she loves you too. I know you know what I feel. So, I did my part, moved on with all my might, even though you’re both next to me, unaware of my agony. I admit, distance helped. Because both of you transferred school. But there’s a part that can never be erased. There’s still a tiny love. That even when I say is gone, just a thought of you will make the feeling ignite. And so it did. When I saw you again on that train station-dashing as ever-I know I wasn’t still fully healed. Thanks to that fashion expert who advised me to look the best as I can be every moment. I equaled your physical type in a woman. I have changed. It was obvious when you can’t take your eyes off me. You now find me attractive, physically and intellectually.  But would that change your feeling? Obviously, no. So just like that ugly girl before, I will still write sad literature about a love that is not granted back. My love for you in words, kept in my tumblr and memo notes. And I stalked you again, and her. Whooo! Let’s dwell more in my melancholy. Thank you, for just existing. Because even though the pain is incomparable, the lesson you gave me remained, even though you are unaware. Now if you ask me if I still love you, the answer is still yes. I don’t want to lie in myself anymore. About all the other guys? They’re attractive, but that’s it. You’re still my prince, even though I am not your princess. But I know I needed a break. I have to move on, to them, especially to you. What we had may be just a spark, compared to your electricity with her but I will treasure it forever. Just like her, it would be embarrassing if you’d read this, but a larger part of me hopes because this includes all the things I want to say, but can’t. Orayt. Di pa ako nakakamove on pero may bagong plano na uli. Me time na ulit before all the boys. Saka na muna kayo hahaha. So thank you ulit sa lahat. Tagal mo na sa puso ko, alis ka na jan uy haha. Pero huling-huli... Sana nga maka-move on na ako sa’yo, Leann.

[ariagonzales]

Tama ka, Ju. ‘Di pa talaga ako nakaka-move on.

[ariagonzales]

Inspiring thoughts compiled in 16 years

(Note: There’s a friend whose opinions about life are so opposite to mine so I’ve decided to make a twitter thread about my life’s perspective but later decided not to post it in Twitter but in my safe haven instead, aka my sacred shrine, Tumblr.)   Alam mo, sa totoo lang (Seriously, to be very honest), the secret in having a full life is not a secret at all! I often see you asking how to live life so this is gonna be a thread. Life is equally unfair. What's best for others may not be the best for you. It's your choice if you'll live based on society's standards but I don't recommend it. Because real happiness don't lies there. Material things are just part of human pleasure and they're gone after a while. Mabibili mo at pag wala na syang inner value, 'di mo na rin pahahalagahan after some time. (You buy your things, and once the inner value is gone, you won't appreciate it after some time.) Also, you must not depend your happiness on others. Cause what if they chose to walk away? What do you think will happen to you? Goals are great but relationships with Him, others, and to yourself are better. Your character will bring it all in the end. Characters than practices. How to know whats best for you? Step out of your comfort zone and step in to your courage zone. It is not easy but it’s worth it. You'll have questions along your journey, that even science wont be able to ask, and how hard it may be, leave it alone. Mentally write your question in a paper and leave it in a room, along some way in your life, answers will come to you in the least expected times. That are just some of the lessons I've learned as I walk towards my year of legality. Lesson learned, life is imperfect. Even the people who--in their hardest--try to make us laugh, happy, and accompanied, gets sad at times too. But what's important is how you handle it. True, I have a God and I love my God who I think--in any way--is unconditional. But I personally believe that it's always you will create your own life. "Change what you can change, if you can't change it, change your attitude towards it." A change of heart, a change in mind, and a change in disposition can make your tedious life exciting again. As long as you believe yourself and he's with you, who can be against you? So, try it! Live your life to the fullest. May you find what you seek in life. God bless us all!

[ariagonzales]

Para sa paborito kong banda sa loob ng bansa...

[ariagonzales]

how terrible it is to love someone that death can touch

[ariagonzales]

building a building #vsco #vscocam

[ariagonzales]

escalator to #heaven [ #vsco #vscocam ]

[ariagonzales]

"Life is like a game of #cards. The hand you are dealt is determinism; the way you play it is free will." #vsco #vscocam

[ariagonzales]

Black Saturday 2014 [ #tb #bokeh #vsco #vscocam ] (at Mary, Cause of Our Joy Church)

[ariagonzales]

April 08, 2012. Nagdebut ang EXO. Nirelease ang Mama. Sabi ko parang di ko trip, fan na ako ng KPOP since 2009 at akala ko naman di ko na magugustuhan pero mali ako. So, sinuportahan ko na. Una paunti-unti, naging todo-todo. Kasabay ng SNSD. Bumibili ng Merchs, Albums. Lahat ng gadgets ko laman puro sila. Updated ako kahit sa mga di sikat nilang guestings. Pati paglakad nila sa ganito ganyan isa ako sa mga unang nakakaalam. Parang nawalan na ako ng personal life dahil sa kanila. Pero isang araw, May 15, 2014 pumutok ang isang chismis na nag-file ng lawsuit si Wu Yi Fan laban sa SMEnt. Na kinalaunan ay nalamang totoo. Bakasyon non pero iyak ako ng iyak. Sabi ko nalang "life must go on". After kong mabalik sa dati, ayos na sana. Pero nalagas na naman sila. Natanggal si Lu Han, pati na rin si Jessica sa SNSD. Ayoko na. Hindi ako umiyak non at unti-unti kong tinanggap pero may mga araw pa rin na di ko maiwasang malungkot. Nalampasan nyo ang Wolf, Growl, MiD, pero hindi ang Overdose. Maraming beses sa isang araw na hinihiling kong makumpleto ulit kayo. Ngayon nasa CMB Era na kayo, wala na akong ibang hinihiling para sa inyo kundi ang mas marami pang tagumpay. Inalis ko na ang sarili ko sa Fandom pero hindi ang pagmamahal ko sa inyo. A pic of my merchs imbes pic nyo. Haha. Puro kayo eh, char. More anniversaries to come! 만세 엨소 사랑해요! ♡ #exo #vsco #vscocam

[chelaymahalay]

Yung malalaman mong nakikipag-usap siya sa iba, pero ikaw di nya nirereplyan.

[chelaymahalay]

[deatheatrs]

[imanurse]

We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. While there is life, there is hope. 

[chipsprites]