These past few weeks I have been alternating between just wanting to scream about things and also being stuck with paralyzing silence -- wanting to cower in a corner because to talk about them makes me feel naked. I’m in a screaming mood right now. But no one is under any obligation to read this, and I’ll probably delete it. I just know that typing things out puts order to thoughts and I have a habit of throwing in jokes, and I thought that might help. If “downer” were a prose genre, this post would be it. <<< See? Like that.
My anxiety and panic issues have been in overdrive for the past few weeks, triggered repeatedly by work. There’s no single issue. It’s multi-faceted and derives from stress that I shouldn’t have to deal with and frustration at taking all the right steps to fix the issues and still ending up in the same boat -- only with 1000 times the feelings of frustration and pointlessness. (My boss acts like she “helps” and that any problem I continue to have is mostly my own doing because I don’t ask for help. When I do, she pretends to give it -- or gives me a guilt trip -- and then I end up still having all the same stuff to do because it boomerangs back to me. Plus, I get written off as a workaholic who never asks for help while keeping our department afloat, since it affects the whole system. :D :D :D :D :D I know this isn’t in my head because people who work in the same office space have approached me and acknowledged it.)
The panic is because of worrying that I won’t have time to do everything (I can only work from home so much) and that projects that get dumped on me will implode. It’s complicated, but there is this huge project going on, and not surprisingly it’s fallen on me to make it work. It’s very flawed, though, so issues I expected are arising, and some of the possible solutions may not work. It impacts the whole system and the people we serve, just to show the scale, which most of our work does. That probably makes no sense, but that’s the panic part.
For the past few weeks I’ve been crying at least every 20 minutes at work, often times at home, too. Panic attacks on a nightly basis. Anxiety/stress symptoms that include weakness, fatigue, the occasional (but mild) chest pains, etc. Don’t worry, I’ve seen a doctor and am monitoring things. This isn’t my first rodeo with this, but it is the worst and longest episode I’ve had in quite some time. (Fun fact: even after taking a strong pill, you can immediately have a panic attack the minute you wake up from it. Yay! Mazel tov to my brain for such commitment to panic and crisis mode.) The options I have in terms of therapy aren’t that great, and have been disappointing in the past. I would have better luck remembering things I learned from the only useful therapist I’ve ever seen years ago elsewhere and talking to my cats. (That says a lot, because they tend to be super judgmental.)
It’s affecting my personal life not just because of the aforementioned physical symptoms, which make anything impossible to do, but because any possible stress-inducing situation or event, I have to avoid. This includes talking to my father. He can be toxic, and any interaction with him is stressful/exhausting. I tried to talk to him one day a couple weeks ago and just ended up crying. It was on the phone, so he couldn’t tell. Thank goodness. That would’ve ended badly. The next day, I actually had to leave somewhere (long story) because there was a chance I was going to have to interact with him and the mere thought of it gave me a panic attack and then I later literally cried myself to sleep. Thus, I haven’t talked to him, and I know when I finally do the lack of communication will be a huge point of contention and just makes things more stressful. Yay.
I think the reason I’m here and what has only dragged me down further is that fandom (across platforms) used to be such a great release/distraction from these things. However, in the past several months, despite best efforts -- because it’s an absolute myth that you can completely control your experience -- it’s been the source of negative feelings/experiences. Moreso than usual. Add that to all this other stuff, and just thinking about it makes me depressed because that distraction is gone. And it’s been on and off for a while. That source of fun/distraction is currently gone, and it made me so happy at one time. It feels pointless, primarily because I feel pointless most of the time, and then there are some things that leak onto my dashes and feeds that frustrate/upset/make me feel uncomfortable. I had been debating on doing an exit post, but that desire overlapped with some of these other issues, and it’s hard to tell where that is coming from. So I might. But I might not. It feels like that only beckons validating comments that may or may not be sincere, but I’ll just see people as being nice. (I’ve watched the show sans discussing it before, and I’m sure I can easily get back to that.)
So, yes, that’s where I am. Anxious and panicked and depressed and making no sense and I’m just a huge mess. Naturally, the fact that I’ve been like this for so long is itself making things worse and creating new emotions of frustration. And stress. And sadness.
I’m just really tired of crying. One day, true story, I cried so much and had to keep trying to cover it up that my face felt chapped and sensitive/painful to the touch.
I’m tired. I’m just really tired. And needed to say it. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry. I’m just not fine right now. But I will be. I always am.
