Hi... wow. It's been a really long time.
I'm alive and well. This year has been really, really, REALLY hard, in almost all fronts... relationships, house issues (foundation AND roof work in one year, lucky us), work AND personal life
Uhhh Idk if anyone is still around who knew me back when I was active here; if you are, maybe this will be a shock, maybe not
I was diagnosed with autism at the end of August
I first suspected in April... I had to wait that long to get tested just because my preferred office was so busy... so I had that weighing over my head all summer while I planned my first-ever comic con for work... and had to take intermittent medical leave so I was only going in 3 days a week...
I burnt out. Bad. I'm still feeling the effects. Most days are okay. Others I find myself clawing my way to doing the barest minimum.
But the diagnosis itself? Relieving. Freeing. Explained so much. I'm medicated and working with a therapist specializing in late-diagnosed neurodivergence, who is trauma- and polyamory-informed.
I have an additional romantic partner now. I've known him my whole life. Husband knows and enthusiastically consents. We've both done a lot of work on ourselves and our marriage to make it work. I'm so, so proud of him. I feel so lucky to have two men who love me and take care of me - differently, but in ways that I need.
Last week I started my stomach tattoo for scar coverup. Last year I had started a concert sleeve on my right shoulder. I see beauty in my physical appearance now where I only saw imperfection.
I have never felt more connected to myself. Alive. In love. Loved, and BELIEVING 100% wholeheartedly that I AM loved and with my people. My chosen family.
There is a reason I am the way I am - open to going against the grain and living outside societal norms. Drawn to fandom and the occult, tarot, tattoos, kink. Intense interests (Eminem, Batman Forever, Kingdom Hearts, horses). Intense emotions, which I'm working on managing. Feeling like I'm a robot. Not programmed like other people. Anxious and awkward and missing social cues and terrified above all else of being misunderstood. Needing Loops at work, needing Beats and sunglasses to go shopping. Why I hate the holidays - sensory and social overload leading to more meltdowns.
None of this means there's anything wrong with me. My whole life I was led to believe that. It was a lie.
The truth is: now I have all the information about myself that had previously been missing. That information is leading me to deeper understanding of myself. I can take care of myself better. I can communicate my needs better. My trauma care is being informed by the autism care and vice versa. It's all connected and I see the whole picture now.
The truth is: I am whole, enough, just as I am, with the people I'm with. I don't know for sure who I am without the double mask of trauma and autism -
But I think, who I am with my boys, my people, is who she is. And I'm falling in love with her, too, at 33 years old.
Take care <3
